Moronic Monday – Did he steal a donut too? (Hubby as guest writer!)

*My hubby decided he wanted to have some fun and write his own MM post. Which was helpful since my brain decided not to function tonight and basically boycotted the entire post. Bitch. So he’s my guest writer for the day! Enjoy!*

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In yet another shocking incident where people prove that there are new lows that have yet to be explored on Moronic Monday – a man steals from cops…in the police station.

An Ohio man and his girlfriend were brought into the station for a disorderly conduct charge, but were released and free to go. The man had to make a phone call, where he then proceeded to think it’s a good idea to go ahead and start taking things from around him, such as used drug syringes, candy bars and a hat. He left the donuts alone, knowing that it was entirely possible that he would be water boarded and sent to “the hole,” with a mysterious guy named Bruno that would teach him a thing or two about donuts.

So this begs the question – how could anyone possibly think it’s a good idea to steal from cops? I mean, you magically gain a hat and some miscellaneous things in your pockets…any cop is going to pat you down and find it, especially since you just got released from another charge! Does he have some blood disease fetish too? Is that a fetish that people have? Oh baby…yeah, shoot me up with that needle…I want AIDS!

And of all things to steal from the cops…why a couple candy bars? Why a hat? Seriously, a couple used syringes? What the hell was he trying to accomplish? If you’re going to steal from the cops, at least go a little video game style and get a night stick or tazer, or something cool. Used syringes are just sleazy. Stealing candy bars just says, “desperate fat kid.” And the hat…well depends on the hat. If it’s a cool one like a Red Sox hat, then ok, I can see it. If it’s some beaten NASCAR thing that’s been down a port-o-potty and fished out by some redneck…umm…there’s problems. With the track record this guy has going, I’m guessing it’s more towards the “potty hat.”

He actually got caught because of the hat. Not because it stank, but because he was wearing it underneath his own hat, and a part of the police department’s logo was showing. Nobody believed his explanation that he was an honorary police officer. The whole disorderly conduct thing kinda ruined that.

So after initially being released for disorderly conduct and free to leave, this douche from Ohio was booked and locked up for theft. He must not have had enough and wanted to stick around for some more fun. Either that or quality time with Bruno.

-“The Hubby”

Moronic Monday – Is that a lizard in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

The answer to that question is, “actually, it’s a gecko. And a skink.” I don’t even know what a skink is but that’s beside the point. A German tourist was attempting to leave New Zealand when he attracted the attention of the airport security which led to a body search. I’m not really sure of the exact reason they searched him but I assume he must have had a pretty peculiar look on his face.

During the search the officers found a small package. Inside the box were 23 geckos and 20 skinks. In his underwear. Why? Just, why? Who in their right mind puts any kind of animal in their pants let alone their underwear so it’s just hanging out with your man/woman parts? I didn’t just make you a she-male, I promise. Just trying to include everyone. I’m nice like that. Anyway, I guess he happened to have a reject in his group because they also found a single gecko living in a rolled up sock packed into the man’s luggage. Maybe he was on little lizard timeout.





Apparently the entire point to this madness was to sell these little creatures on the black market. Um, I didn’t even think there would be a demand for them. Then again I’m not exactly a black market kind of person so, whatever. In the UK these things actually go for a large amount of money although I’m lost on why. For the 24 geckos the man had in his manly areas he could get close to $36,000. For geckos. Seriously!? As for the skinks, no one knows what they would go for since the ‘experts’ didn’t even know they were being traded on the black market until this guy was found. Basically, they learned something from the man with lizards in his tighty whities. Awesome.

He was an organized freak criminal though, as he made sure to separate the species into different compartments in the lizard box. I guess if you’re going to commit to transporting creatures in your underwear, you might as well go all the way. It won’t help him when it comes to trial though since not only was he trading these creatures and transporting them out of the country but he also basically kidnapped them from the wild. That’s usually frowned upon.

Just imagine what the Geico gecko would think.

Moronic Monday – Some people shouldn’t be allowed in Home Depot. Or near cars. Or really anywhere besides a padded room.

The people in this story are so stupid that I think it just might hit a new level for our little Moronic Monday posts. Which is saying something if you’ve seen the previous entries.

Not everyone who walks into Home Depot or similar stores knows what they’re doing and that's fine. Hell, I walk in there a lot lately since buying the house and I’ve only ever touched a hammer when handing it to someone else. Tools are not my thing. Neither is wood. Or little pieces of hardware. Or anything electrical. Basically I go there to follow the hubby around while he attempts to tell me what we’re buying and trying to keep me out of the Christmas section. However, I accept my lack of knowledge about building and fixing things and just walk around aimlessly until it’s time to leave. This guy though, he jumped in head first and then fucked everything up. Including his car.

How bad do you think something needs to be for Home Depot to require you to sign a waiver before allowing you to take your purchased items? Apparently, the answer is pictured below.





Yup. This is an actual photo. It was taken in an IHOP parking lot by a man working for a lumber company who spotted it while driving by. He pulled over and bought a disposable camera just to capture the stupidity. Probably because he didn’t think anyone would believe him without proof. Then he called the Police which must have been an interesting 911 tape to listen to. How do you even explain such a thing and get the other person to believe the story? I would have hung up. It’s probably a good thing I’m not a 911 operator.

Turns out, along with the tons of plywood are a bunch of 2x4s right below all held down with some twine. As if that wasn’t enough, the entire backseat is filled with 10 bags of concrete weighing in at 80 pounds each! When police arrived they found the man crouched behind his car trying to cut the twine to remove the load. All together the materials weighed in at over 3,000 pounds which caused the back tires to explode, the wheels to bend and the back shocks to be driven through the floorboard. Yet the car was still running (see the exhaust?) as if the guy really expected to simply drive away.

The topping on the cake though, was when the guy admitted he planned to drive from Florida to Clanton, Alabama with his girlfriend and this entire pile of wood and concrete. Why?

To build a house.

Just think, this man is sitting somewhere right now with access to a car and power tools. Frightening.

You ask, I answer. Plus a brand new blog layout!

(The Moronic Monday post for this week has been skipped since I’ve spent the last few days hunting for and fighting with new layouts. The new one is up and running smoothly so far, so I’m back on. Let me know what you think! Please comment or email if you notice any issues/bugs. MM will be back on December 7th.)

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Since many of you have sent me questions in comments and emails, I’ve decided to answer right here. I love reading your questions and I’m more than happy to answer so keep them coming! Either leave them in a comment or send me an email and I’ll keep adding onto this list. Whatever you want to know, just ask!

Here are seven (7) questions I’ve been asked that I can remember off the top of my head right now.

1. How/where do you find the crazy, weird, strange things/people you post about?
I get this a lot. Pretty much anywhere. They sort of just happen. Sometimes it’s something I stumble across reading online or heard about and went looking for the information to write a blog. I’ll post about pretty much anything so it makes for a large supply. Plus, with the number of just plain stupid/weird people in this world it makes my Moronic Monday posts really easy. I actually have issues picking one story out of several quite often.

2. Is that really you in your profile picture?
Nope. It’s just a picture I found online. I keep this blog pretty anonymous. It’s part of the fun for me. I write about my real life plenty but I keep names, pictures and general identities a secret.

3. Are the conversations you post between you and your hubby actually real?
Yes. We really are this weird. We have the most random conversations pretty much every single day. It keeps things fresh.

4. What do you really think about Twilight the movie/books, not Twilight the dildo?
How can I not answer this one? I hate Twilight and everything related to it. Books, movies, posters, dolls, calendars, whatever. I don’t get the love of vampires thing at all. Plus I think the Rob Pattinson dude looks like he needs a shower, a brush and a lot of sleep so I really don’t get why people think he’s ‘hot’.

The dildo, I think is weird and creepy but the post about it is probably my favorite.

5. Why did you start Moronic Mondays?
I get different variations of this one a lot. I wanted something all of you and I could expect on a regular basis besides the random posts about whatever pops in my head. I love the randomness of this blog but I also like some structure so I kind of have the best of both worlds. Except when I’m a horrible blogger and don’t post every Monday, sort of like this week.

6. Do you have a Facebook or Twitter page?
I don’t actually, at least not ones for this blog. I’m thinking about making a Twitter account though so whoever wants to can follow me there and be instantly updated whenever a new post goes up, plus random things that won’t be in posts on here. I’m still deciding but if I do you’ll see a link to follow me in the same section as the email and subscribe icons which can be found on the right side below the search bar.

7. What state are you from?
I forgot I didn’t put this in my profile before I got this question. I think I mentioned it in a post once or twice though. I live in Rhode Island. Yes, the smallest state in the country. And yes we’re a real state for those out there who assume we’re part of Massachusetts or New York. We’re Rhode Island, not Long Island.


That’s all I can remember right now, so if you don’t see your question answered here send it in and I’ll keep answering. From now on I’ll keep track of them so I don’t miss any.

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With the new layout come some new features!

A pink bar is located at the top below the header that contains Home and About buttons to make things a little easier to navigate. There is also a Comment RSS button for anyone that would like to be updated whenever a new comment is posted.

On the right hand side below the search bar are my new Email and Subscribe buttons. I hope their new location and design make it super easy to use for everyone.

At the bottom of each post are three ‘reaction’ boxes you can check off to express what you thought about the post above. Right now they’re labeled as Funny, Interesting, and Weird. Simply click the box you agree with and it will be counted. It’s anonymous so I have no idea who picks what. Feel free to use them. Don’t forget to comment though!

A new link will be added to the pink bar below the header directly linked to these questions and any others that will be added. Hopefully it will make it simpler for people to get to know me a little more.

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I hope you enjoy the new layout! Please let me know if you find anything not working as it’s still so new. Don’t forget to send in your questions!

PS. Hubby is now miffed that I forgot to give him credit for helping with the new layouts. Actually, he did pretty much all of it. I just sat there and said change this or move that. So thank you hunny!

Moronic Monday – How exactly do you arrest a goat?

I never thought I would need to ask such a question. I mean, it’s only a goat. What could it possibly do that would actually make someone want to put it under arrest? Since when do we even arrest animals?! Well they do in Nigeria apparently. Real police arrested a local goat and it’s now in custody while the crime it’s charged with is under investigation.

It’s amazing how easy this weekly segment really is. It’s just shocking. It’s like the world tries to create stories made just for this post.

Apparently there are known vigilante groups in Nigeria that just roam the streets looking for crimes. Sort of like batman but totally messed up in the head. And with less cool shit to attack people with. The police actually allow them to fight crime which only makes me wonder what the hell the police are doing. One vigilante group came across a couple ‘hoodlums’ that were trying to steal a car. A Mazda to be specific. So they chased after them because that’s what vigilantes do when they’re out patrolling the streets. Sort of what the cops should have been doing but weren’t. According to the mighty crime fighters one of the guys got away but the other was captured.

And then he turned himself into a goat.

This is the exact story the vigilantes told the police with the black and white goat in tow. So what did the police do? Instead of sending them away or having their psychological state evaluated, they actually took the goat into police custody as if they had a real suspect. For armed robbery. Nigerians firmly believe in witchcraft so I guess they think all sorts of shit can happen but the fact that they think a human can magically transform into a goat is mind-blowing. What’s worse is the police seem to agree that it’s possible; all they admit to is that they just can’t prove it. It’s seriously scary.







A police spokesperson was quoted in saying, “We cannot confirm the witnesses’ story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat.” Why in the hell would they even take the goat into custody if they didn’t take the story even the slightest bit seriously?! He almost sounds like he’s saying he believes it happened but has no scientific proof to make the case. Uh, DUH! So why exactly are they still holding the goat prisoner? It was just wandering around probably eating some grass or tin and then it’s whisked away and kept in jail because people think it’s human. This story actually makes my head hurt.

Apparently the magical goat-man-transformer is a national curiosity as people flock to the police station to see it which they refer to as “the beast.” The police station has basically turned into a petting zoo. All because people are hoping a human will appear out of no where instead of a confused goat staring blankly back at them. Probably the weirdest police agency I’ve ever heard of.

Unfortunately for the goat, there’s no word on when it will be released. My guess is when it turns into a human. Which translates into never. Awesome.

A body farm. Yes, that’s exactly what you don’t want to think it is.

Have you ever had a nightmare where there were dead bodies just fucking everywhere? Yeah, me either but I’m pretty sure this is what Stephen King dreams about all the time. It’s also an actual place that’s just as horrific as it sounds except there’s no killer running around. The entire term ‘body farm’ is probably the worst phrase I’ve ever heard myself say and I can talk about some pretty weird shit. It sounds like a scene straight out of one of the Saw movies but it’s actually exists. Three of them to be exact. Because clearly once you have one body farm, you want more. Like Pringles. Apparently. And yes I know how gross of a comparison that is.

The first one was created in Tennessee because they’re special and has become a trend across the country. A TREND! There are body farms at Western Carolina University, University of Tennessee-Knoxville and University of Texas-San Marcos. They must be so proud. I’m telling you the names in case you have an aversion to dead bodies (you know, like most people) so you can avoid the corpse college campuses of our wonderful country. Except whoever is in charge of this horror show is hoping to have one in every single state because that’s exactly what we all want. Basically they’re franchising. You know what though? I live in tiny Rhode Island and we totally don’t have room for a rotting dead human farm. Sorry. We’re full.

Anyway, the whole concept is so scientists (or necrophiliacs, whatever) can study how the human body decays in different environmental situations. I get it. It’s important for when actual serial killers build their own body farms and it gets repossessed. We have to know how they rot so we can figure out who they are and how long they were rotting. Totally makes sense except the whole dead bodies just lying around in the open part. It’s just creepy. I even watched a video of someone’s grandpa giving a tour of the ‘farm’ and explaining everything. There he was walking around all nonchalant as we pass by bodies just hanging out in the grass or on a rock. Limbs are all mangled and what’s left of the face contorted as if saying, “what the hell kind of shit is this?!" He just kept on talking as if he was explaining why the trees existed. Like it was no big deal.

Then the most horrifying and gag inducing part came up. He started talking about how when we die and are just left laying around outside, the skin on our hands slides off. Slides right fucking off! It's called skin slippage. They even zoomed in on dead hands to prove it. As if I needed a visual. I almost vomited on my laptop right then and there. He called it “degloving.” I will never look at gloves the same way again. He wasn’t done though. He started talking about how they recover finger prints from such a situation which apparently involves putting the dead person’s hand on your hand. Like sliding on glove. I’m not even shitting you. Again, I feel like I’m talking about a Saw movie except they really do this and this guy was giving a re-enactment with a pair of rubber gloves for the camera. I didn’t know if I should vomit or just run away screaming until it stopped.

Instead, I decided to share it with you.



You can thank me later.

Moronic Monday – ‘911, what’s your emergency?’ ‘I need sex.’

Remember when you were a kid and were first learning to dial 911 and totally forgot the whole ‘only when in an emergency’ part and just dialed it at random times for no reason at all except that you could? Well, this guy never grew out of that apparently. He was bored and had zero minutes left on his cell phone so apparently he was broke too, so what’s a guy to do? Call a 911 operator of course. Except he wasn’t calling for a friendly conversation. No, he wanted a booty call. From the 911 operator. Clearly he didn’t think she had anything better to do, you know like helping save people’s lives.

Obviously the 911 operator was freaked out and angry that this man was wasting an important resource so she hung up on him. He then called back again. And again. And again. For a total of five phone calls all because he wanted to have sex with the female operator. He even went as far as asking if he could go to her house which begs the question if he was drunk or high, or even possibly both in order to truly believe it would happen. Or he was so horny all the blood drained from his head and he could no longer grasp reality. I pick all three. Just look at him!







Another important issue he overlooked was that 911 operator’s jobs are to track down where the callers are located. That’s sort of the entire point! Again, he was so distracted by his horniness that he just forgot and was surprised to find police outside his door 15 minutes later. Surprise! He was then arrested and charged for making a false 911 call. Maybe he found a nice jail cell buddy to help his physical problem.

My favorite part of the entire story though was when he was asked why he did this. His answer? That he couldn’t dial any other number on his cell phone AND he didn’t think he would get in trouble for calling 911.

This is totally a guy that would have paid to have sex with the virgin from last week, except he doesn’t have a job or money, so he thought the free version involved the 911 system in Florida. Clearly a winner.

Our remote is going to take over the world.

The actual remote.

Hubby: “I have a mission for you.”

Me: “Um, what happened to the ‘if you so choose to accept it’ part, because I choose not to accept it.”

Hubby: …..

Me: “Okay. What is it?”

Hubby: “I need you to find four AA batteries.”

Me: “For what?”

Hubby: “So that we have a working remote.”

Me: “Oh, well I have a working remote right here.” *I held up our cable remote and even wiggled it a little to prove it.*

Hubby: “Yeah, but a working remote that controls everything.”

Me: “It does control everything. The TV, DVR and DVD player. I’m good.”

Hubby: “It doesn’t control the receiver.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I don’t need that.”

Hubby: “Oh, but you will.”

Me: “Um, that sounds a bit unsettling and I’m still pretty sure I don’t need the receiver thing.”

But I went hunting for batteries anyway and found stamps. Totally just as useful and I know for sure I need those.

Me: “Guess what?”

Hubby: “You found the batteries?”

Me: “What? Oh, no. I found stamps.”

Hubby: “Um good job? I still need the batteries. And a surge protector.”

Me: “I know where one is. Here. Okay, mission complete.”

Hubby: Laughs. “Not really, we still need the batteries.”

Me: “Oh right, the batteries you’re convinced we need and I know we really don’t. Gotcha.”

A few minutes go by and like magic I found the batteries. Ironically they were in the same spot as the stamps but I overlooked them because I was distracted by finding the stamps. I swear I don’t have ADD. Honestly.

The whole thing ended with:

Me: “I found the batteries! I’m totally awesome at this mission.”

Hubby: “Yes babe, totally awesome.”

I’m pretty sure he was mocking me. So as I write this he’s sitting on the edge of our couch programming this massive touch screen universal remote thing that I’m pretty sure could land a plane. Or at least make it crash. I’m going to stick with the cable remote though because I know I can use that thing. And I’m pretty sure I can’t fuck it up. The huge touch screen thing? I could probably kill it just by sitting in the same room.

Anyone who thinks I would be fine with the crazy remote contraption should read this blog about my talent of accidentally killing all things electronic.

I rest my case.

PS: My hubby read this post as I was taking pictures of the remote monster and this conversation happened.

Hubby: “You don’t like my remote?”

Me: …. *Focusing on taking a picture.*

Hubby: “You don’t like my remote?”

Me: …..

Hubby: “You’re not going to answer my question?”

Me: “I don’t know. Why?”

Hubby: “I don’t know why you won’t answer my question.”

Me: “I’m trying to take a picture of it and I don't think the remote likes me.”

Hubby: “You should add this to the blog.”

So I did. You’re welcome.

Why yes, I would like a free in-home estimate and you’re a total douche.

Honestly, this has become our life. Every house on the planet needs repairs and upgrades and the only way to do that is shop around. We would be absolutely insane not to price multiple companies to be sure we’re getting the best price for the product but God it’s annoying. Did you know that every window replacement company does free home estimates? Of course it’s helpful but it’s also annoying when you have four scheduled in a seven day period. Yes, four separate companies will be coming to our house to tell us how bad our windows are and why we should buy from them. As if we don’t know the windows are drafty since it’s the entire reason we want them replaced. The first one comes today and it all begins. I imagine it’s going to be a lot of the same thing. Our windows suck, theirs are awesome and we should spend our money with them, now please sign here.

Plus we’re also shopping for a security system because we’re way too paranoid about the world not to have one. I only wish they came with a large attack dog and a big man with a machine gun plus steel shields that surround the whole house and a panic room in the basement. I may be overreacting. Anyway, we had one company called Safe Home Security (I was going to leave the name out but what the hell) come out last night and he tried to screw us. He wanted us to pay $200 for equipment when the exact package we were buying was being offered completely free on their website. Do I have stupid written on my forehead? No dumbass, now get the hell out! Plus, he boasted that the company has an A+ rating with the Better Business Bureau and haven’t had a complaint since 2001. Oh really? Well that sounds like something to check. Ha! They actually have an F rating which is the lowest you can go AND they have several hundred recent complaints. Top rated my ass. Plus the BBB revoked their accreditation in 2007 because of bad business practices and there’s even a lawsuit against them by the attorney general in the headquarters’ state. Oh hell no! Next please.

It’s the second in-home estimate we’ve had a bad experience with. We had National Floors Direct to give an estimate to replace our hallway carpet. It’s only a hallway so clearly it’s not a big job with tons of commission potential but they knew that from the very beginning. The guy showed up and the first thing out of his mouth was, “you dragged me all the way out here for a hallway?” Uh yeah asshole, it’s your job. We should have kicked him out right then but for whatever reason we let him stay. I think it was because I wanted clean carpet in the worst way. He then measured and had us go out to his car to see the samples in his trunk. What the hell?! It was like we were doing some drug or gun deal in a back alley somewhere. We were both pretty pissed at this point but the topping on the cake was he ignored everything I said and only looked to my hubby for answers. As if I wasn’t standing right in front of him and my opinion didn’t matter. Such an asshat.

The whole thing ended with us telling him to leave our home and him storming out muttering to himself followed by us calling the company number to file a complaint. They tried to get us to allow another salesperson to come out for an estimate after apologizing profusely for his behavior. But at that point we wanted nothing to with the company. A couple days later we purchased carpet from Lowes and are now thrilled with our new clean and soft carpet. Emphasis on clean. We still want to replace the carpet in the finished part of the basement and we clearly won’t be calling that guy again.

So, who will be buying our windows from? No clue. What company will monitor our security system? Beats me. All I know is both things will be happening eventually once we find the right ones. In the mean time we get to have all kinds of people in the house giving their ‘estimates’ while I sanitize basically everything after each visit since I’m still hiding from swine flu. Purell and air/surface sanitizers are currently my best friends.

Moronic Monday – Giving away her virginity wasn’t good enough; instead she put it up for auction.

According to a woman from California, most women wasted an opportunity when they just gave away their virginity. You know, for love. Or fun, depending on your situation. Instead she decided to become a vagina business woman and sell her virginity. I suddenly felt like I was in the middle of ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ when I read her story. In the book the young girls entertain men and then sleep with the highest bidder after being checked out by a doctor to prove their purity. In this woman’s case, she put her virginity up for sale online and will have sex with the highest bidder after being checked out by a doctor if they so wish. It’s like she ripped a page right out of the book.

She claims the idea just came to her when her sister paid her college tuition by being a prostitute for 3 weeks. I guess she wanted to one up her sister and held an online auction instead of walking the streets. Their parents must be oh so proud, don’t you think? I know college is expensive but was this the only way she could think to pay for it? Not to mention she’s trying to earn a masters degree in Family and Marriage therapy. Yup, she’s going to counsel families and couples on how to get through tough times when her only idea was selling her woman parts online. She’s so totally qualified to help you through your problems now.

The scariest part of this whole thing isn’t even that she sees nothing strange about doing this; it’s that people actually want to pay to take her virginity. Not only pay, but bidding the auction up to $3.7million! Yeah, you read that right. Millions of dollars just to sleep with a stupid college student. It’s probably the most insane thing I’ve ever heard of. It also proves we’re in a world full of crazy men that have a very weird obsession with virgins. Proving how naïve she is, she stated that she was surprised to get sexually explicit messages from ‘weirdos’ explaining exactly what they wanted to do to her. Uh, duh! Wouldn’t you consider any man willing to pay lots of money just to have sex with a virgin a weirdo? I would. She also said she gets ‘polite requests from rich businessmen’ because they apparently don’t have any better way to spend their money.

The other scary thing is you know there will be tons of girls who will read her story and turn around to do the same exact thing. Before we know it we’ll have co-ed millionaires all around the country after they sell their virginities to the richest creep online. As long as they can manage to get through high school without becoming cheap sluts. It’s ironic since most of the girls I knew that wouldn’t see anything strange in doing this were the ones sleeping with any guy that looked at them.

Although, all I got when I lost my virginity was a horny boyfriend who is now my hubby.

Moronic Monday – Where should you hide your cell phone? In your butt crack of course!

(Yes I know it’s now Wednesday but I forgot to come back to actually publish it. I thought I had scheduled it for Monday but I never set it. I’m a horrible blogger. So lets just pretend it's the right day and we can all be happy.)

So I never feel the need to hide my cell phone. Being an adult probably has something to do with that but even in school I never really hid it. Unless tossing it in my purses counts as hiding which I don’t since that’s still where it lives to this day.

However rules are a bit stricter now in schools and many try to ban cell phones all together. Except that wasn’t even the case in this story. This school had normal cell phone usage rules. The rule was ‘no talking or text messaging on cell phones during classes’. Can we get anymore simple then that? This was still beyond what a 14 year old girl could comprehend though because she insisted on texting while her teacher was trying to give the lesson. And when I say insisted, I mean she continued to text even after the teacher repeatedly told her to put the phone away. She just did what she wanted and ignored her instructor. Not all that shocking to me and you’re probably wondering why this was even a news story.

After the student continued sending her texts to whoever the teacher sent her to the principal’s office. It was there that the principal demanded her phone be confiscated. The only problem was she now claimed to not have a cell phone at all. Clearly he didn’t believe her so he decided to call her parents to report her misbehavior. It was up until this moment that the school was doing everything right. Then they took a weird turn. The first mistake was asking the student herself for the number to contact her parents. Uh what? Not once, not twice but multiple times the young girl gave incorrect phone numbers yet the principal continued to rely on her for the contact information. Is he stupid or just plain lazy? Since when does a school not have parent/guardian contact information on file for emergencies and situations like this? Doesn’t that happen like the first day of school? Why didn’t he just look the damn numbers up instead of playing the girls game? Idiot!







Anyway, that’s not what this whole thing was about. After failing to get the real phone number for her parents (and never bothering to look them up himself) he then decided to take the whole thing to a new level. He called the police. No, I don’t mean he called the on campus security. He called the actual police in their city. All because she was texting on her phone and refused to tell him what she did with it. Since when is not listening to your teacher about a cell phone an actual crime for the police to handle? Also, since when do police actually respond to such a call?

For a minute I thought perhaps the police thought they were being called for a serious crime and the school failed to mention it was a cell phone text related issue. Then I came across the part where the officers that showed up were just as wacked as the principal. When they arrived they actually decided to search the student. FOR A CELL PHONE! They didn’t just go through her bag and locker; no they actually searched her physical person. That’s when they found the cell phone. Stuffed in her ass crack. Why in the world she decided to hide it there and how she walked around as if everything was normal is beyond me. I guess she assumed they would never look there and honestly I wouldn’t have thought they would either.

Can you guess what they did next? Give her detention? No. Actually call her parents? Nope. They arrested her. A 14 year old girl was arrested for texting in class and refusing to hand the phone over to the teacher or principal. She was charged with disorderly conduct and suspended from school for a week. Can we say huge over-reaction? I get you have to be tough with kids and they need to follow the rules, but come on! She was texting on her phone in class. She was being a brat and didn’t listen to the teacher. How is this different from any other day in any high school in the country? So kick her out of class. Suspend her for a day or two for going against school policy. Having her body searched and then arrested and charged for doing something that never put anyone in any danger is just flat out insane.

A teacher once tried to take my cell phone after she saw it outside of my purse. I wasn’t even using it I just had to take it out to get to something else. I refused to hand it over because I knew most cell phones that were taken away were either lost or damaged. I was sent to the office and still refused to hand the phone over. You know what they did? NOTHING! They just said to put it away and if I was caught with it out again I would be sent home for the day. Most people I knew always refused to allow their phones to be confiscated and the worst they ever got was suspended for a day and that was after swearing up a storm over the situation. Even kids that got in full on brawls in the school halls weren’t arrested.

The girl was later charged with trespassing because she returned to the school two days later during her suspension term.

So many morons in one story.

We should all stick a tea pot up our nose. Apparently.

(I know I missed my Moronic Monday post this week but I’ve been painting and trying to find homes for all our belongings in the house as we officially moved in. I already have a story lined up for next Monday though, so forgive me for this week!)

Have you ever had an urge to warm up some water and then stick the spout of your tea pot up your nose? Yeah, me neither. Apparently people actually do this with a special nose pot thing that they call a Neti Pot. It’s this small little tea pot look-a-like that you put water and table salt (seriously?) into then literally pour up your nose. It’s supposed to clean out your nostrils of basically everything according to the site but to me it just sounds like a fast way to get that horrible water up the nose feeling, and no one likes that. I mean you might as well tip your head back in the shower since you’ll end up with same feeling. It also seems like the messiest way to clean out your nose I’ve ever heard of.

The instructions say to just casually stand over your sink with your head tipped slightly back and pour the whole damn pot up there for EACH nostril. All I picture is water going all over the place including down your shirt. Haven’t they heard of nose spray or a tissue? They also claim it will feel good as you do it and I think they’re completely insane. Never in my life would pouring water directly into my nose feel like a good time. It’s also dishwasher safe because we all want things we stick up our nose mingling with our dinnerware. Next we’ll have washable q-tips and will toss those into the basket with our silverware. The dinner guests will just be oh so thrilled with that. They even make sure to have the picture model grinning like an idiot while she uses this weird little object.







Apparently you’re not only supposed to enjoy how it feels but be absolutely thrilled with the process. You don’t look totally strange at all doing this. It’s completely normal. Right. If I ever saw someone actually using a Neti pot I would think they took or drank too much of something and should seek professional help. I would be calling 911 telling them that my friend made tea for her nose and is now pouring it into her head so send the paramedics and probably a lot of towels. Isn’t it great that they included the water coming out of the other nostril as well? Wonderful picture design. It’s even scarier that someone was probably paid to make it.

I’m sort of lost on the point of this thing though. It says not to use it if your nose is stuffy, but when else would you need to remove mucus from your nose? When you’re not stuffy most people don’t even think about their nose never mind ways to give it a bath. It also makes sure to tell you to breathe through your mouth when using it as if there were any other option and people were actually confused. Is this really an issue for people? If it is then I’m horrified for our world’s future. The site also boasts it’s a great holiday gift and I feel the need to say no, this is a HORRIBLE gift. No one wants one of these things especially as a Christmas gift. Imagine that moment by the tree, “Here’s a thing to drain your nose. Merry Christmas!” This is a perfect example of a gift that you force gratitude through and then immediately think of ways to get rid of it. Toss it in the closet, re-gift, or just flat out throw it away. As my grandmother has always done, in my house it would ‘meet an unfortunate accident’ and be gone. Then the following year I would return the favor and give that person an ear irrigator. So they can feel the same pain.

I showed this to my hubby earlier tonight and his instant reaction was, “what the fuck?!” He then went on a little rant about how freaky it was that she was smiling so much and then he moved into the ‘I’m a little tea pot’ song and mixed the Neti pot into it. I would share it but I missed the words because I was laughing so hard at his reaction.

Next time your nose feels neglected warm up some water and table salt in a tea pot and have at it. It’s the fast track to the crazy house as anyone that sees you will be completely convinced you’ve lost your mind. Whoever invented this clearly lost theirs.

My apartment is trying to make my ears bleed or make my head explode.

I wrote this during the day yesterday but didn’t post it right away. I meant to but kind of forgot to actually publish it. I blame it on the noise. So here it is now. Better late than never I guess.

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As I write this, the fire alarm in our apartment building is going off. No, I’m not an idiot for being inside. This is the 4th time it’s gone off today and this last time has been going for literally an hour and a half. Yes, you read that right. Apparently a hot water heater in one of the apartments leaked (each unit has one) and caused the alarm below it to go off. The fire department came to turn it off and everyone went back inside. Then about 20 minutes later it went off again. The process repeated itself and then it went off a third time for about 10 minutes. All was quiet for about 15 minutes and then the 4th one went off. This time the fire department abandoned us because the alarm won’t stop until it’s replaced. The guy that needs to replace it hasn’t shown up yet. So here I sit with an ear piercing alarm going off for over 90 minutes. It’s amazing there hasn’t been a mass suicide yet.

For the first hour or so I sat outside on the balcony on the damn floor because all our outdoor chairs are at the house already. I even brought the laptop out there at one point because I was bored out of my mind. Then the bugs invaded. These little orangey-red ladybug things were fucking everywhere. They were like little kamikaze bugs because they were dive bombing my head. I swear bugs are attracted to me because they can sense how much I hate them. Then a hornet showed up followed by this massive bug thing I’ve never seen before and really never want to see again. The final straw was a spider that was crawling right for me. I almost lost it. So, I packed everything up and came back inside. Here I sit with huge headphones on and music blasting my eardrums to death to block out the evil ringing. It’s either this or letting my ears bleed from the alarm. I pick this.

The best part of this whole thing is no one from the maintenance staff can do a damn thing about it. Only a licensed alarm person can replace the one that’s setting it all off, so they can’t touch it. The fire department won’t show up anymore to turn it off because they know it’s not a real fire. We’re totally fucked if a real one actually breaks out because they’re completely ignoring us at this point. The staff here can’t silence the alarm without incurring a large fine for messing with the equipment so basically we’re all screwed. Most people left a long time ago to avoid the noise. Besides me, there’s only two other people here and they’re outside. Why haven’t I left, you ask? I haven’t mastered flying on a broom yet and have no car because hubby has it with him at work. So yes I’m stuck here as if I’m in prison. Only I didn’t do anything. This could be used as a form of torture. Anyone stuck in this noise with no form of blocking it would spill every secret they had.

It’s wonderful timing that this is all happening only days before we officially move out. We’re literally leaving this weekend with Saturday being our last night here. Why did this have to happen today? Why couldn’t it be next Tuesday instead when I’m not here to suffer through it? No of course not, because Murphy’s Law hates me and has made me a target. You know what I say to that then? Screw you Murphy. Screw you. I have hundreds and hundreds of songs on my laptop to block out the noise and I’ll do it as long as needed. Let’s just hope I don’t need to pee anytime soon since my laptop battery is special and can’t function without being plugged in. I really should replace that thing. I also can’t eat lunch for the same reason. I would go insane in the time it took to make a sandwich and then it would be wasted. It’s a lose-lose situation. For a split second I felt that I would miss our apartment a little but fuck that. I won’t miss a damn thing now.

It’s been a full 2 hours straight now that the alarm has been ringing. Two very long hours.

The alarm guy was supposed to be here an hour ago. Asshole.

PS. After 2 and a half hours the alarm finally stopped. My head is still ringing.

PSS. That massive bug I had never seen before and didn't want to see again, yeah well one was just walking across my living room carpet!! It's even creepier up close!! A wide but thin body, wings, 6 long legs it uses to walk (not crawl), and 2 long antenna it wiggles around.CREEPY!

Moronic Monday: Forget eye for an eye, it’s goldfish for a diamond now.

It’s a timeless story. You fall in love, you move in together and oh so romantically become common-law married. Then, things fall apart and you break up. Your ex common-law husband (that sounds so weird) decides he wants all the jewelry he’s ever given you. He steals it and refuses to give it back. All you want is your diamonds and since you can’t get your way, you decide to get even. So what do you do? You steal his goldfish of course.

This is exactly what a woman from Pasadena, Texas did. She was angry and apparently thought stealing the 7 goldfish the couple bought together was her best option. The man called police and reported them stolen. I’m sure the police were just thrilled at this call. Anyway, they did their duty and went straight to the woman’s house. After talking with the woman for a few minutes they discovered that not only had the woman stolen her ex husband’s beloved goldfish, but she took the revenge one step further.

She ate them.




Yup, she threw them in a frying pan and ate 3 of the little fishies before the police even arrived. We know this because the officers found 4 of them on a plate sitting on her kitchen table. She was completely unfazed by the whole thing and led them straight to her tiny victims the second they asked where the fish were. When asked where the remaining 3 fish were she simply stated, “I already ate those.” Just another day on the job for those officers, don’t you think?

Best of all, there was nothing the police could do. There’s no law against eating goldfish apparently and since the fish were purchased while the couple lived together they were considered community property. I guess as long as you buy a pet together Texas law doesn’t really care what you do to them afterwards. I get why she wasn’t arrested for stealing the fish because of the whole community property laws but what about animal cruelty? She killed the fish! And then she ate them! That’s not normal behavior you do with your pets. I get that they were fish but they were their pets! They named them and cared for them by feeding and cleaning their tank. She gets mad one day and then decides they’re dinner? What the hell is wrong with people?

The police said if the man wants to pursue the issue then it would be a civil case which he would obviously win since she flat out admitted to eating the fish and the police found some of them fried in her kitchen. I love how she even sat down at her table with a plate and dinnerware to eat the fish.

Because she’s dignified like that.

I never want to see wallpaper again and I’m apparently doomed to the fire of hell.

Today was a busy and insanely exhausting day. We got so much done that it’s almost painful to think about. From our carpets being cleaned and wallpaper being ripped down to an entire room primed and another sanded. Have I mentioned I HATE wallpaper? It’s probably the most evil thing ever invented for home décor and that says a lot coming from me since I detest wood paneling with every fiber of my being. Not only was the wallpaper a pain in my ass but it was also ugly as hell. I swear it was based off of the uniforms people were forced to wear in concentration camps. I’m not even trying to be funny or mean with that, it’s just true. Two shades of gray in vertical stripes. Seriously. Plus they used about 10 times more glue then they really needed to so we had random small pieces that just refused to come off without beating it and the wall to death. I’m so glad it was only halfway up the wall because if it was floor to ceiling, I would still be in there scrapping my life away. I never ever want to see wallpaper ever again. Ever. It should be banned.

Oh, and I’m apparently doomed to eternal damnation. Isn’t that a ball of fun? I know this because two strange men appeared at the door to the house to tell me this. One was young, probably in his 20s that did most of the talking, but the other was in this floppy hat and basically smiled the entire time. It was one of those creepy smiles too and all I kept thinking was ‘creepy pedophile on my doorstep’ while the other told me how screwed I am. He was all like, “can I ask you a question?” I was about 2 seconds away from responding with ‘well, you already did so you didn’t give me much a choice now did you?’ but I had a feeling it would have been lost on them.

Anyway, his magic question was, “If you had to stand before God today, and he asked you why he should allow you into heaven, what would you say?” What the hell kind of question is that to ask someone at their door? So I just dryly answered, “I have no idea.” This petrified him and it was the funniest thing ever. He just had this horrified look on his face and repeated my statement back to me. I could just see him deciding I was screwed right then and there. Then he started rambling about how we’re all born in sin and God doesn’t like sin and can’t allow it in heaven and blah blah blah. I lost him for a bit because I was honestly bursting trying to hold back my laughter. He quoted the bible in there too but I don’t know what he said, then came the ring of fire in hell part. The funniest part of my day.

By his definition, heaven must be completely empty since he said we’re all born sinners and basically every human sucks, well except them. I want to know what we could possibly do in the womb or within our first minutes of life that automatically make us sinners. Plus it came up today that believing you’re completely without sin is actually a sin in itself, so that means even these religion pushers are going to hell to with the rest of us. Well, I can close a door in their face down there too then. I found the entire thing completely hilarious. They gave me some plastic bag full of flyers and a CD with more “you’re going to hell missy” crap. Which promptly went into the garbage. All this was happening while they were standing in the rain. I guess trying to scare people into converting to whatever they are is a rain or shine event. Kind of like the post office.

So, the gist of my day was that because I exist I’m going to hell in a ball of fire and wallpaper is evil and will be decorating hell, right next to the wood paneling. I also randomly sent a text to my hubby that said “The carpet people are done and I’m going to a ring of fire in hell,” just to confuse the hell out of him.

Moronic Monday: Dumbest. Criminal. Ever.

Isn’t the whole point of committing a crime to actually try to not get caught? I stole something once when I was a kid. It was Halloween season and I stole rubber rats that someone stapled to a little wooden bridge. I honestly have no idea why I did it and I even broke their tales ripping them from the staples. I just liked them for whatever reason and I was a whole 6 years old so really, I was just stupid. Anyway, even at that age I knew not to get caught and I didn’t. My family to this day still doesn’t know it was me. Once I realized that the people were very much attached to their rubber rats and wanted them returned, I brought them back and still didn’t get caught. At the age of 6, I was a better thief then the guy this post is about. A side note, I didn’t become a career criminal and never stole another thing in my life so really it shouldn’t even count. Plus they were rubber rats. Enough said.

Anyway, apparently this guy never had his rubber rat experience and decided he would become a thief but then make it super easy for the police to find him. As in, a blind monkey with no legs could have found him. As creepy as that sounds. His inspiration came from going to a Phillies game dressed as a “Rockies Killer” and I don’t even know what that is. I guess he just wore a mask that he wrote those words on but he should have just saved us all the time and wrote stupid across his forehead instead. I wasn’t even aware there was a team called the Rockies until I read this story but it doesn’t matter. Here’s the guy in his wonderful outfit/costume thing.





His Mom must be so proud.

So, he went to the game, got really loud and obnoxious (what a shocker) and pissed off the people sitting around him so he was kicked out. Instead of just leaving he decided to wander over to a desk in the main office. Some moron left 3 of the World Series rings in an envelope on the counter (can someone say stupid as hell?) and this other moron in the mask picked them up and took them home as a souvenir. Except, before leaving with the rings he filled out a job application, complete with his real name, address and other personal information. He should have just walked straight to the jail with the rings in his hand instead.

Obviously the case was open and shut because not only did he fill out the paperwork but he was also caught on camera at the desk and walking away with the rings. Because no one would notice a grimacing skull with killer written across it. Of course not. He was found later at his home with the three rings. He didn’t even steal the really expensive rings, but the cheaper ones made for team employees. The players get $11,000 rings and he stole the $1,100 versions. I still don’t get why some dumbass left them on the counter to begin with. They said they were going to be mailed to employees that weren’t there but why they were out in the open is beyond me. Someone also must have been talking about them or they were marked “$3,300 rings in here – STEAL ME but please leave your name and number with the clerk.”

Clearly this man isn’t going to become a mastermind criminal. More like easy target practice for the police or frequent flyer for Moronic Mondays. You’re making this too easy Matthew, far too easy.

PS. I didn’t intend for both topics to be crime related but it’s where the really stupid people hang out, so it’s sort of finds me.

The old owners moved out but they left some little friends behind.

I hate people. Have I mentioned that? More specifically I hate the people that owned our home before us. So far, we have learned that they were very dirty people who apparently had no issue living in complete filth. The floors were just plain dirty and require a firm scrubbing in every room. Plus the walls need to be scrubbed and there was mold growing in the refrigerator. They just put tinfoil over it instead of actually cleaning it. I know they sold their house as a short sale so it means they were in trouble financially but there are simple inexpensive ways to do basic cleaning. It doesn’t cost anything to sweep or mop your floor. I know she had a mop because she had it hanging from the basement ceiling as a place to hang clothes to dry. It clearly wasn’t doing much good there. She also left behind a bucket that most would use to mop as well as some spray cleaners and several sponges, which she apparently never used.

They also left several pieces of furniture behind plus tons of random items in the shed. I could handle and get over all that pretty easily but they also left something else for us to deal with. FLEAS! The house has fucking fleas! I nearly flipped my lid when I saw one on my hand. I was about to start cleaning and all of the sudden there it was. I could have screamed I was so mad. I know they had cats but that’s no excuse to have fleas. There are ways to prevent it and then treat it if it happens. But no, instead they just moved out and left it as our problem. So now flea bombs are going off in our house and tomorrow it will have that wonderful chemical smell until it fully airs out. Of course it’s good that we found out before we moved anything in and we haven’t replaced the carpets yet, but still!

It’s like they just completely gave up on taking care of anything. The house was just plain dirty, there’s a flea infestation and they allowed stray cats of the neighborhood to live in their shed since they never bothered to fix a broken window pane. The neighbors we met informed us of this problem and stated the window had been broken for a very long time. I realize they were probably very upset they couldn’t keep their home but what happen to the pride of taking care of your home? Has that completely disappeared? I would never let my home get to even half the state they left it in, whether I was losing it or not. Even if they didn’t care what other people thought what about for their own sake? They actually allowed themselves to live in this level of filth and didn’t do anything about it. There’s no excuse for it especially when you have the proper materials to keep the house at a respectable level. Who lets mold grow in their refrigerator and then just covers it with tin foil? Who just never mops or sweeps their floors, ever? I just don’t understand it. This woman was a mother; she had two kids in their teens, so you would think she would know better.

We also found an empty bottle of Patron Tequila in the teenage boy’s bedroom closet. Seriously! It was just sitting there on the floor in the corner clearly visible. I know for a fact he was underage as we actually saw him one day. He was no older then 18, at the most. I realize that parents can’t know everything their kids are doing and everyone has rebelled at least a little in their lives, but why would they leave it there? We know she had been in the house all throughout the week before closing because she was having non-stop yard sales and even posted ads online about them. Could she really have never bothered to open that closet door? It stood out with its specialty bottle. Wouldn’t most mothers’ double check their kid’s room to make sure everything was packed and removed? At the evidence of how these people lived, I guess anything is possible.

I just hope to God that the flea treatment works so we can move past this problem and get the house clean. It’s such a good thing that we don’t have contact with the previous owners anymore, because I have OH SO MUCH I wish I could say to them. What kills me though, is they moved to an apartment. She will definitely not be getting her cleaning deposit back.

Ugh. Never buy a short sale. Ever.

This is supposed to be a Moronic Monday post but all I can think about is that we closed on our house today!!

Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! It finally happened, after months and months of waiting. We closed on our first house and it was amazing and insane all at the same time. We did a final walkthrough of the house and everything was where it was supposed to be. Then we went to closing and in the matter of 37 minutes, we were homeowners. It was the most whirlwind moment ever. We must be speed signers because even though there was a books worth of paperwork (seriously, why so many damn pages?) we were done before I even blinked my eyes twice. Then the keys were in my hand and we were pulling into our driveway as owners for the first time. Is it our house? Apparently it is but you could have fooled me. I still feel like I’m going to wake up tomorrow and it will all be a dream or something. Someone slap me because I’m in pure disbelief.

The first thing we did (after walking around the house 3 or 30 times) was change the locks because I don’t trust people. After that we started cleaning mostly because we weren’t really sure what else to do. We still don’t feel like we bought a house today but we have moving deadlines now so clean we must. Apparently, the people who owned it before didn’t understand you have to clean up your own filth. I swear, they never cleaned or even swept the floors the entire 3 years they lived there, seriously. It’s DISGUSTING! I did a dry sweep of the kitchen/dining room area with a swifter and the pad was completely black! I gagged a little at the sight of it. The same thing happened in the living room. Then hubby scrubbed the floor with a stiff brush with Lysol and the water was black before we knew it. You could see the dirt line on the floor from where he cleaned and where he hadn’t touched yet. I’m still mortified by it. It will be scrubbed at least 2 more times to get it clean enough to be comfortable. I don’t get what’s wrong with people, honestly. They had two cats but this wasn’t a pet issue, this was just dirty people and absolutely no cleaning happening at all. The cats were the cleanest living thing in the house. Ironically, the bathroom floor was the cleanest floor in the entire house. Go figure.

So we still have plenty of cleaning to do, and carpets to replace (again, disgusting) but the house is worth it. I can’t wait to paint so it will have a fresh new look inside. Just the small cleaning it got today, I swear the house would thank us if it could. We even met one of our neighbors. They saw us in the backyard and came right out to say hello, they seemed really happy to hear the house wouldn’t empty anymore. They even gave us a few tips on a broken window on the shed that apparently stray cats frequent and it made me so glad for perceptive and friendly neighbors since we wouldn’t have known until it happened. That will be stopped, now.

I don’t even know what else to say except I still can’t believe it. I have no idea when it will feel real but when it does I will probably cry again. Yes, I cried a little already. It was right after we closed and I was talking on the phone. Saying it out loud made me cry but yet I don’t believe it’s real. Maybe when we move in and stay the first night it will be cemented in my mind. Lets go with that.

I had a story ready to go for Moronic Monday but couldn’t focus at all. It will be back for next week though. Consider this a little detour!

PS: We already had to kill two spiders in the house and we haven't even owned it for 24 hours yet. And by we, I mean hubby. Spider killer/keep them away spray here we come!

I think I was born in the wrong century or possibly I’m possessed.

Me: “Um, Hun? Something’s wrong with the shredder.”

Husband: (From the other room) “Oh god. What?”

Me: “It won’t do anything. It won’t even go in reverse.”

Husband: Sighs “What did you do?”

Me: “Nothing! I just put the paper in and it stopped halfway through. It’s supposed to be able to shred paper. That’s why they named it a paper shredder.”

He messed with it for a several minutes before dropping it into the garbage.

Husband: “Well, you killed it. Good job.”

Me: “It’s not my fault it couldn’t handle its own job.”

Husband: “You always manage to kill electronics no matter what it is.”

Me: “I don’t kill them. They just break.”

Husband: “Ok, how about the TV a couple months ago? Or the fact that we’ve gone through 3 DVD players in the last year. I won’t even get started on you and computers.”

Me: “The TV just died and I’m pretty sure it was natural causes. The DVD player thing was just a fluke.”

Husband: Laughs “I see you conveniently left out the computers part.”

Me: “Well, technically only one died the rest just went all crazy and I didn’t kill it. It killed itself. I didn’t fry it from the inside out; it did that all on its own!”

I don’t admit it all that often but electronics do tend to mysteriously die/kill themselves around me a lot more often then it seems to happen to other people. I really don’t do stupid things with them, it just happens naturally which is probably even worse. That computer really did fry from the inside out but I wasn’t even touching it. I was actually on the other side of the room when it started growling at me and then it sounded like it was trying to be a helicopter wanting to take off. Seconds later it was dead silent and never functioned again. Not my fault. He gets really nervous when I use his laptop. It sometimes just gives up on me for no reason or flat out refuses to acknowledge I opened it at all. It works perfectly fine for him though. He frequently tells me to just stay away from it claiming it’s innocent and doesn’t deserve to die yet. Whatever. As for the DVD player thing, I have no idea what happened. They died one right after another and before we knew it we had to go buy a new one. I like to think it was just a coincidence that two of the three died when I was the only one home. Our current one is doing just fine though and I use it pretty often, so there.

My husband thought I killed his brand new cell phone last week and I still swear I was totally innocent. He had bought it that day and it had been perfectly fine with him at work. When he got home he handed it to me to look at/play with. It wasn’t in my hand more then a few seconds before it went to a striped blue screen. I hadn’t even touched a single button yet! I made a face at what it was doing and he instantly started to worry. He was like, “What? What did you do?!” I think it just got too excited like when some puppies make a little piddle when they meet someone new. It was totally fine after he shut it off and turned it back on again. He didn’t let me near it for the rest of the night though.

I couldn’t live without most of today’s technology, especially computers but it’s like I was never meant to use them. My family always joked that I kill all things electronic but my hubby never believed it until we started living together. Now he’s just as convinced as they are that they drop like flies around me. Sometimes he says he wishes he could just keep me away from all the electronics in the house plus the knives and stove since I wasn’t meant to be in the kitchen either. Thankfully I’ve never killed a microwave despite it being the kitchen appliance I use the most. We’re getting a brand new washer/dryer set when we move into the house so let’s all hope they don’t die on me too. If they do, my husband just might take me back to the Stone Age because I can’t do much damage there. Actually, I probably could still manage. I can even picture it, “What the hell?! You broke the cave!”

It’s amazing I can even type this without some catastrophic computer malfunction.

Moronic Monday – The Wii is more powerful than drugs.

Florida police recently taught drug dealers around the world an important lesson in case they ever find themselves in the midst of a drug raid. Always have a working Nintendo Wii around. Oh and it helps to have Wii bowling on hand as well, they apparently can’t resist that. It totally renders them useless at their job.

The sad thing is this actually worked and the drug dealer involved didn’t even try. Florida drug enforcement officers had been watching this man for a while and even went undercover. After working on making their case they got their magical warrant and descended on the dealer’s home. I basically picture them going in all SWAT team like, just the way we see it the movies. You know, more or less. I think the thought process went a little something like this, “FREEZE! Keep your hands up. You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. .. Hey, a Wii! Here, hold my gun I gotta try this! Yes! I got a strike man!” Or however they talk. The funniest (and saddest) thing about this was it wasn’t just one cop that had an attention problem, but a whole group of them joined in instead of doing their actual job, you know the find and pack up the drug evidence part. Hello?! It’s like they saw the Wii game and completely forgot why they burst into the house with their guns and vests on in the first place. Maybe this is how they normally dress to go bowling.

Best part of all though, the guy they were supposed to be making a case against was paranoid (well, duh). He had cameras set up inside his house and they were recording the entire time. So not only did this idiotic group of cops play a video came instead of actually doing their little raid but it was all caught on camera. Of course the video made it online and I have it for you to watch below.

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Did you happen to notice one of the officers jumping very excitedly after a good shot? Can you believe this person was doing this inside a wanted drug dealer’s house when they were supposed to be bagging evidence? Did you also happen to hear that the raid took 9 hours to complete because they were so busy bowling? They literally played for hours! Some reports even said some of the officers would be in the middle of cataloging evidence then put it down to take their turn at the game. I heard a saying once, “If both hands are involved in something, then your brain should be too.” Maybe they should have that printed on their t-shirts and vests instead of Florida PD. Oh, did I mention their epic long drug raid/police bowling contest cost the city $4,000 to complete? Yeah, those tax payers are thrilled.

The kicker though is that they never actually found any drugs in the house, instead they confiscated guns, TVs, video cameras and the computer the footage above was stored on. Of course you would expect that the superiors to these officers would have immediately denounced their behavior right? Well, no not exactly. The county sheriff called the bust, “brilliant police work”. Maybe he meant the bowling scores and not the actual raid. I guess we can only hope.

A story that was just too perfect for the new Moronic Mondays. Maybe next week the coast guard will go for a leisurely swim instead of patrolling the waters.

Moronic Mondays are coming!

Even though the completely random nature of this blog is part of what makes it so fun for me, I’ve decided to add a little bit of structure. Like many others, I’m making a new weekly installment that I can count on. So many blogs out there have “wordless Wednesdays” which I don’t quite understand since when I come here to post I usually have plenty to say. It seems like so many blogs use Wednesday in general so I thought it would be better to focus on a totally different day. What better day then Monday? No one seems to have much love for Mondays since they usually feel pretty yucky having to let go of one weekend and being so far from the next. So, instead of dreading Mondays I’m going to make them fun by posting about some crazy idiotic story that I might come across.

My new weekly post is going to be called “Moronic Mondays”, which means no matter what else happens here during the week I will always have this on schedule. Not much else is changing so you’ll still find the random posts about whatever pops in my head like you do now. Those won’t be going anywhere and I hope to post every 3 days or so, on top of the new weekly ones. As for what will be on your screen each Monday, it could be anything from news stories or things people say/do that I happen to find. There seems to be never ending supply of just plain stupid things people do and say, so I should always have something to share.

My first post will be this coming Monday (the 28th) so keep an eye out! I hope everyone has fun with it, I know I will!

See you on the new Moronic Monday!

Men will wish they had a penis like the banana slug, but will quickly change their mind.

Men of the world, do you like your penis? Don’t actually answer that question because I really don’t want to know but you can think it to yourself if you wish. I would be willing to bet that at some point in your life you wished it was bigger because somewhere along the way you became convinced bigger is always better. If you think this, then you are wrong. See, I’m here to fix you and your wives/girlfriends will thank me. Assuming bigger is always better works for a bowl of ice cream or bouquet of roses but not for this particular part of your anatomy (most of the time anyway). After a certain point you might as well try to park a bus inside a one car garage which would just be horrible for everyone. Anyway, I would like you to meet the Banana slug.

Flirting.

This lowly little creature has a pretty shitty life in the grand scheme of things especially since its only 8 inches long. It also happens to have an 8 inch penis which it would probably be pretty happy about although I just foresee back problems but whatever. Before the men get too excited at this (pun, I know – moving on) I should probably tell you that it’s shaped like a corkscrew. They also happen to be hermaphrodites, so they’re male and female at the same time. Apparently they’re against masturbation, just like the bible, so they insist on trading sperm with another Banana slug, which also has a penis. In a nut shell, they leave a smelly streak of slime to attract another slug. Then they eat the slime for a while (uh, ew) before they wrap around each other and trade sperm. After all that fun they then chew each others penis off. Are the men still here or are they on the floor in the fetal position crying?

Since they have a corkscrew of a penis it gets all tangled on the other Banana slug’s penis during their sperm trading party. That’s when they chew them off because they’re problem solvers. After that’s over they go off on their merry way laying eggs all over the place and then abandoning them. They’re horrible parents and even worse sexual partners, clearly. Once they’re done laying eggs they start to grow another penis. They basically look at it the way we do a haircut. They flaunt it, use it and then chop it off only to let it grow back in later except they don’t sit in a chair being pampered and sipping coffee, they instead let their mate rip it off their body. If this is how humans were, we would have died off a long time ago because every man I’ve ever met would rather die then let anyone come near their penis with something sharp. I can see the men cringing from here.

Some researchers also believe that if a Banana slug finds a mate that happens to be smaller then its own penis length, the smaller of the two will chew off some of the large penis until it fits. It would be like a human man having a penis as long as he is tall that would tower over his head and that’s seriously creepy. Then whatever woman he’s with chopping it down to size since he would never find a woman with a 6 foot deep vagina. It’s like an extreme circumcision done on an adult except they would feel everything and then be expected to perform right afterwards. Like I said, humans would have gone extinct.

Of course there’s always that one show off in the group trying to out do all the others. Scientists found a Banana slug that was 6 inches in body length but was sporting a 32.5 inch corkscrew penis. That’s over 5 times its own body length! Chewing that thing off must have taken forever.

So the lesson to all the men of the world is be happy the woman in your life accepted your penis for what it is because the alternative is her coming at you with a meat cleaver in the bedroom. To show your gratitude, go buy a huge bouquet of roses since bigger is always better. ;-)

PS. This is the kind of shit you get when I’m still awake at 6:30am and have access to a computer.

Cosmo magazine thinks we’re all acrobats or gymnasts and I think they’re freaking nuts!

Dear Cosmo Magazine/ Sex Advice Department,

I’ve been reading Cosmo for years and I honestly have no clue why anymore. I’ve never really come away learning anything from your numerous (stupid) articles about how the color of a man’s shirt shows how serious he is about commitment or the way he eats says how he’ll be in bed or some weird shit like that. It makes no damn sense! I think all of your editors and writers sit around saying, “what kind of stupid shit can we convince them of this month?”

What the hell is up with your new “Sex Position of the Day” thing on your site? You copied the word of the day concept but instead of teaching anyone something useful it’s like you’re trying to kill all your readers or at least land them in the ER with a horrible story to tell. I think you do it on purpose so those same people can later write in for the embarrassing story section and it becomes a never-ending cycle. Oh and who the hell came up with your “carnal challenge” ratings? Have you ever actually attempted the stuff you recommend because if you have then you must be an Olympic gymnast that has no business telling us how easy it is. You should just stick with your hurdles or trapeze and stop trying to contort our lives! And if you’re not a circus gymnast then you’re just insane and should smack yourself in the head with 5 copies of your magazine, while you’re in one of your idiotic positions.

The first one I saw was called, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

Description: “Lie facedown on the bed, then scoot your body forward so your head and torso hang over the side, your palms on the floor supporting your weight. Your man crawls over you and enters from behind, his legs between yours. He can hold onto your hips for leverage to allow him to keep his head and shoulders raised high instead of resting on your back. Your bodies will form a sideways Y for Yes!”

I have an answer for you, NO NO and NO! This messed up excuse for pleasure looks like he’s trying to crack her back while pretending to be a performing seal. All you need is a ball on his nose and we’re magically at the circus all over again. I’m half expecting him to clap like a seal except he would then fall and break his face all while the girl is passed out from the massive blood rush to her head and the pain from her now broken spine.

It keeps getting worse though because when I clicked the next button, it told me I should now try the one called, “The Head Over Heels.”

Description: “Start by lowering yourself to your knees and crossing your arms on the ground in front of you, using a pillow to cushion your elbows. Stick your butt in the air and rest your head on your arms, bracing it on the floor if you need to. Tell your man to stand behind you and lift your legs up by your ankles until your body is almost perpendicular to the floor. Keep your knees bent and have him enter from behind.”

Screw you Cosmo. Is this one a joke? Seriously? I want to know because I can’t even almost picture anyone being like, “honey, do you feel like pretending you’re screwing a wheelbarrow tonight?” Have you even noticed how much this resembles a guy having way too much fun with his yard tool? I can’t be the only one that sees it. That’s not mentioning the fact that this has to be one of the most uncomfortable looking positions I think I’ve ever seen. This is freaking insane! Once again you have a girl who has passed out from the blood rush and a concussion from her head being slammed into the floor, plus a guy that look as if he’s playing dirty landscaper.

Your sex advice is just evil. My husband doesn’t find it sexy when I’m contorted like a pretzel because it makes him want to get me to a chiropractor or neurosurgeon. Plus he finds sex with an unconscious person much too close to sex with a dead person and that’s just horrible.

My advice is to stop letting crazy acrobats write your articles that may or may not have ever had sex themselves because if they did they would know how stupid some of these suggestions really are and then they would just smack their head into a wall for even writing. Oh and if you look at the woman in the “Head Over Heels” picture, her boob is actually falling off. Go back and look if you don’t believe me because it’s obvious whoever makes these things has never actually seen a naked woman before.

You should require anatomy classes for all writers and graphic designers before trying to depict, you know, freaking anatomy!

-LB, The non-contortionist

Sex toy makers are now trying to cash in on necrophilia.

I’m creeped out that this even exists for me to write about. The sad part is although I find it beyond creepy I’m not all that surprised. This is the kind of world we live in people, a very weird world. Oh and this is totally not safe for work so consider yourself warned!

Have you heard of Twilight? That was probably a dumb question. Anyway, everyone knows it’s about a vampire and a human girl that fall in love and um that’s basically it. I’ve never read the books or seen the movie so I don’t know the little details but I know enough that makes me never want to know the rest. I do know that teen girls go absolutely gaga over the cast though. Apparently a sex toy company saw the insane obsession with the series and a hole in the market they decided was up to them to fill. Ready for this? They made a vampire inspired dildo. And they named it “The Vamp”. I couldn’t even attempt to make this shit up. Here’s the picture to prove it:

See? It’s a dildo that is supposed to be like what a vampire’s penis would be. Not just any type of vampire though but specifically a Twilight vampire. Apparently the vampires from Twilight sparkle. Yes, they sparkle. I don’t have the faintest idea why but that’s one of the unique things about them, I guess. So this company made their toy sparkle to make it more “real”. I told you this was weird. Did you happen to notice the color? It’s not your computer screen playing tricks on you. They purposely made it look like it could be on a walking dead corpse. Seriously! The company even says, “..a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deadly pale flesh tone..” What the fuck is THAT about? Do people really get off on using a death colored dildo? According to this company they do. WEIRD!

They don’t stop there though. For the people who want this thing, having it look like sparkly death (I can’t believe I even typed that) isn’t enough. No, they had to take it a step further. I couldn’t possibly say it any better then the company did themselves so here is exactly what they wrote in the product description:

“Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.” You should read that at least 3 times to get the full scope of how horrible of a statement it really is.

They literally designed the toy to be placed in the refrigerator so that the customer could get off using a dildo that not only looks dead but FEELS dead. Not only that but they believe it to be an authentic experience as if you could really just walk outside and screw a vampire all in his sparkle glory. What the hell?! It’s screwed up on at least 7 different levels. Probably more. They also go on to say, “..don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking The Vamp out in the sunlight and watch it sparkle.” Not only are they condoning playing with necrophilia dildos but they’re encouraging people to do so in public, in daylight!

This horror of a product can be yours for a mere $40. Apparently sparkly dead sex doesn’t come cheap. The feels like sparkly death penis toy can be found here. (In case you just have to see for yourself.)

PS. I was nominated for an award by a new follower and it’s a total first! I’m supposed to post a whole thing about it and nominate other people but I couldn’t resist writing this post so I’ll do it later. Thanks Zen Mama!

PPS. I had to re-ad the picture of The Vamp since photobucket deleted the other one because they found it just as disturbing as I did. Actually, it violated their terms of service which I think means basically the same thing. All is fine now.

PPPS. Is it really strange that this is probably my favorite post ever?