I never want to see wallpaper again and I’m apparently doomed to the fire of hell.


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Today was a busy and insanely exhausting day. We got so much done that it’s almost painful to think about. From our carpets being cleaned and wallpaper being ripped down to an entire room primed and another sanded. Have I mentioned I HATE wallpaper? It’s probably the most evil thing ever invented for home décor and that says a lot coming from me since I detest wood paneling with every fiber of my being. Not only was the wallpaper a pain in my ass but it was also ugly as hell. I swear it was based off of the uniforms people were forced to wear in concentration camps. I’m not even trying to be funny or mean with that, it’s just true. Two shades of gray in vertical stripes. Seriously. Plus they used about 10 times more glue then they really needed to so we had random small pieces that just refused to come off without beating it and the wall to death. I’m so glad it was only halfway up the wall because if it was floor to ceiling, I would still be in there scrapping my life away. I never ever want to see wallpaper ever again. Ever. It should be banned.

Oh, and I’m apparently doomed to eternal damnation. Isn’t that a ball of fun? I know this because two strange men appeared at the door to the house to tell me this. One was young, probably in his 20s that did most of the talking, but the other was in this floppy hat and basically smiled the entire time. It was one of those creepy smiles too and all I kept thinking was ‘creepy pedophile on my doorstep’ while the other told me how screwed I am. He was all like, “can I ask you a question?” I was about 2 seconds away from responding with ‘well, you already did so you didn’t give me much a choice now did you?’ but I had a feeling it would have been lost on them.

Anyway, his magic question was, “If you had to stand before God today, and he asked you why he should allow you into heaven, what would you say?” What the hell kind of question is that to ask someone at their door? So I just dryly answered, “I have no idea.” This petrified him and it was the funniest thing ever. He just had this horrified look on his face and repeated my statement back to me. I could just see him deciding I was screwed right then and there. Then he started rambling about how we’re all born in sin and God doesn’t like sin and can’t allow it in heaven and blah blah blah. I lost him for a bit because I was honestly bursting trying to hold back my laughter. He quoted the bible in there too but I don’t know what he said, then came the ring of fire in hell part. The funniest part of my day.

By his definition, heaven must be completely empty since he said we’re all born sinners and basically every human sucks, well except them. I want to know what we could possibly do in the womb or within our first minutes of life that automatically make us sinners. Plus it came up today that believing you’re completely without sin is actually a sin in itself, so that means even these religion pushers are going to hell to with the rest of us. Well, I can close a door in their face down there too then. I found the entire thing completely hilarious. They gave me some plastic bag full of flyers and a CD with more “you’re going to hell missy” crap. Which promptly went into the garbage. All this was happening while they were standing in the rain. I guess trying to scare people into converting to whatever they are is a rain or shine event. Kind of like the post office.

So, the gist of my day was that because I exist I’m going to hell in a ball of fire and wallpaper is evil and will be decorating hell, right next to the wood paneling. I also randomly sent a text to my hubby that said “The carpet people are done and I’m going to a ring of fire in hell,” just to confuse the hell out of him.

3 comments:

The Peach Tart said...
October 16, 2009 at 4:43 AM

Sounds like you're in wallpaper hell.

Logical Libby said...
October 16, 2009 at 9:25 AM

I am pretty sure Jesus hates wallpaper too.

Cathy said...
October 16, 2009 at 9:54 AM

As a designer, I can tell you I am working overtime to get wallpaper banned. Hate it.

It's so much fun to mess with those religious folk that come to your door. Do they really think thats an effective marketing technique?

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