Moronic Monday – How exactly do you even arrest a goat?

I never thought I would need to ask such a question. I mean, it’s only a goat. What could it possibly do that would actually make someone want to put it under arrest? Since when do we even arrest animals?! Well they do in Nigeria apparently. Real police arrested a local goat and it’s now in custody while the crime it’s charged with is under investigation.

It’s amazing how easy this weekly segment really is. It’s just shocking. It’s like the world tries to create stories made just for this post.

Apparently there are known vigilante groups in Nigeria that just roam the streets looking for crimes. Sort of like batman but totally messed up in the head. And with less cool shit to attack people with. The police actually allow them to fight crime which only makes me wonder what the hell the police are doing. One vigilante group came across a couple ‘hoodlums’ that were trying to steal a car. A Mazda to be specific. So they chased after them because that’s what vigilantes do when they’re out patrolling the streets. Sort of what the cops should have been doing but weren’t. According to the mighty crime fighters one of the guys got away but the other was captured.

And then he turned himself into a goat.

This is the exact story the vigilantes told the police with the black and white goat in tow. So what did the police do? Instead of sending them away or having their psychological state evaluated, they actually took the goat into police custody as if they had a real suspect. For armed robbery. Nigerians firmly believe in witchcraft so I guess they think all sorts of shit can happen but the fact that they think a human can magically transform into a goat is mind-blowing. What’s worse is the police seem to agree that it’s possible; all they admit to is that they just can’t prove it. It’s seriously scary.







A police spokesperson was quoted in saying, “We cannot confirm the witnesses’ story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat.” Why in the hell would they even take the goat into custody if they didn’t take the story even the slightest bit seriously?! He almost sounds like he’s saying he believes it happened but has no scientific proof to make the case. Uh, DUH! So why exactly are they still holding the goat prisoner? It was just wandering around probably eating some grass or tin and then it’s whisked away and kept in jail because people think it’s human. This story actually makes my head hurt.

Apparently the magical goat-man-transformer is a national curiosity as people flock to the police station to see it which they refer to as “the beast.” The police station has basically turned into a petting zoo. All because people are hoping a human will appear out of no where instead of a confused goat staring blankly back at them. Probably the weirdest police agency I’ve ever heard of.

Unfortunately for the goat, there’s no word on when it will be released. My guess is when it turns into a human. Which translates into never. Awesome.

A body farm. Yes, that’s exactly what you don’t want to think it is.

Have you ever had a nightmare where there were dead bodies just fucking everywhere? Yeah, me either but I’m pretty sure this is what Stephen King dreams about all the time. It’s also an actual place that’s just as horrific as it sounds except there’s no killer running around. The entire term ‘body farm’ is probably the worst phrase I’ve ever heard myself say and I can talk about some pretty weird shit. It sounds like a scene straight out of one of the Saw movies but it’s actually exists. Three of them to be exact. Because clearly once you have one body farm, you want more. Like Pringles. Apparently. And yes I know how gross of a comparison that is.

The first one was created in Tennessee because they’re special and has become a trend across the country. A TREND! There are body farms at Western Carolina University, University of Tennessee-Knoxville and University of Texas-San Marcos. They must be so proud. I’m telling you the names in case you have an aversion to dead bodies (you know, like most people) so you can avoid the corpse college campuses of our wonderful country. Except whoever is in charge of this horror show is hoping to have one in every single state because that’s exactly what we all want. Basically they’re franchising. You know what though? I live in tiny Rhode Island and we totally don’t have room for a rotting dead human farm. Sorry. We’re full.

Anyway, the whole concept is so scientists (or necrophiliacs, whatever) can study how the human body decays in different environmental situations. I get it. It’s important for when actual serial killers build their own body farms and it gets repossessed. We have to know how they rot so we can figure out who they are and how long they were rotting. Totally makes sense except the whole dead bodies just lying around in the open part. It’s just creepy. I even watched a video of someone’s grandpa giving a tour of the ‘farm’ and explaining everything. There he was walking around all nonchalant as we pass by bodies just hanging out in the grass or on a rock. Limbs are all mangled and what’s left of the face contorted as if saying, “what the hell kind of shit is this?!" He just kept on talking as if he was explaining why the trees existed. Like it was no big deal.

Then the most horrifying and gag inducing part came up. He started talking about how when we die and are just left laying around outside, the skin on our hands slides off. Slides right fucking off! It's called skin slippage. They even zoomed in on dead hands to prove it. As if I needed a visual. I almost vomited on my laptop right then and there. He called it “degloving.” I will never look at gloves the same way again. He wasn’t done though. He started talking about how they recover finger prints from such a situation which apparently involves putting the dead person’s hand on your hand. Like sliding on glove. I’m not even shitting you. Again, I feel like I’m talking about a Saw movie except they really do this and this guy was giving a re-enactment with a pair of rubber gloves for the camera. I didn’t know if I should vomit or just run away screaming until it stopped.

Instead, I decided to share it with you.



You can thank me later.

Moronic Monday – ‘911, what’s your emergency?’ ‘I need sex.’

Remember when you were a kid and were first learning to dial 911 and totally forgot the whole ‘only when in an emergency’ part and just dialed it at random times for no reason at all except that you could? Well, this guy never grew out of that apparently. He was bored and had zero minutes left on his cell phone so apparently he was broke too, so what’s a guy to do? Call a 911 operator of course. Except he wasn’t calling for a friendly conversation. No, he wanted a booty call. From the 911 operator. Clearly he didn’t think she had anything better to do, you know like helping save people’s lives.

Obviously the 911 operator was freaked out and angry that this man was wasting an important resource so she hung up on him. He then called back again. And again. And again. For a total of five phone calls all because he wanted to have sex with the female operator. He even went as far as asking if he could go to her house which begs the question if he was drunk or high, or even possibly both in order to truly believe it would happen. Or he was so horny all the blood drained from his head and he could no longer grasp reality. I pick all three. Just look at him!







Another important issue he overlooked was that 911 operator’s jobs are to track down where the callers are located. That’s sort of the entire point! Again, he was so distracted by his horniness that he just forgot and was surprised to find police outside his door 15 minutes later. Surprise! He was then arrested and charged for making a false 911 call. Maybe he found a nice jail cell buddy to help his physical problem.

My favorite part of the entire story though was when he was asked why he did this. His answer? That he couldn’t dial any other number on his cell phone AND he didn’t think he would get in trouble for calling 911.

This is totally a guy that would have paid to have sex with the virgin from last week, except he doesn’t have a job or money, so he thought the free version involved the 911 system in Florida. Clearly a winner.

Our remote is going to take over the world.

The actual remote.

Hubby: “I have a mission for you.”

Me: “Um, what happened to the ‘if you so choose to accept it’ part, because I choose not to accept it.”

Hubby: …..

Me: “Okay. What is it?”

Hubby: “I need you to find four AA batteries.”

Me: “For what?”

Hubby: “So that we have a working remote.”

Me: “Oh, well I have a working remote right here.” *I held up our cable remote and even wiggled it a little to prove it.*

Hubby: “Yeah, but a working remote that controls everything.”

Me: “It does control everything. The TV, DVR and DVD player. I’m good.”

Hubby: “It doesn’t control the receiver.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I don’t need that.”

Hubby: “Oh, but you will.”

Me: “Um, that sounds a bit unsettling and I’m still pretty sure I don’t need the receiver thing.”

But I went hunting for batteries anyway and found stamps. Totally just as useful and I know for sure I need those.

Me: “Guess what?”

Hubby: “You found the batteries?”

Me: “What? Oh, no. I found stamps.”

Hubby: “Um good job? I still need the batteries. And a surge protector.”

Me: “I know where one is. Here. Okay, mission complete.”

Hubby: Laughs. “Not really, we still need the batteries.”

Me: “Oh right, the batteries you’re convinced we need and I know we really don’t. Gotcha.”

A few minutes go by and like magic I found the batteries. Ironically they were in the same spot as the stamps but I overlooked them because I was distracted by finding the stamps. I swear I don’t have ADD. Honestly.

The whole thing ended with:

Me: “I found the batteries! I’m totally awesome at this mission.”

Hubby: “Yes babe, totally awesome.”

I’m pretty sure he was mocking me. So as I write this he’s sitting on the edge of our couch programming this massive touch screen universal remote thing that I’m pretty sure could land a plane. Or at least make it crash. I’m going to stick with the cable remote though because I know I can use that thing. And I’m pretty sure I can’t fuck it up. The huge touch screen thing? I could probably kill it just by sitting in the same room.

Anyone who thinks I would be fine with the crazy remote contraption should read this blog about my talent of accidentally killing all things electronic.

I rest my case.

PS: My hubby read this post as I was taking pictures of the remote monster and this conversation happened.

Hubby: “You don’t like my remote?”

Me: …. *Focusing on taking a picture.*

Hubby: “You don’t like my remote?”

Me: …..

Hubby: “You’re not going to answer my question?”

Me: “I don’t know. Why?”

Hubby: “I don’t know why you won’t answer my question.”

Me: “I’m trying to take a picture of it and I don't think the remote likes me.”

Hubby: “You should add this to the blog.”

So I did. You’re welcome.

Why yes, I would like a free in-home estimate and you’re a total douche.

Honestly, this has become our life. Every house on the planet needs repairs and upgrades and the only way to do that is shop around. We would be absolutely insane not to price multiple companies to be sure we’re getting the best price for the product but God it’s annoying. Did you know that every window replacement company does free home estimates? Of course it’s helpful but it’s also annoying when you have four scheduled in a seven day period. Yes, four separate companies will be coming to our house to tell us how bad our windows are and why we should buy from them. As if we don’t know the windows are drafty since it’s the entire reason we want them replaced. The first one comes today and it all begins. I imagine it’s going to be a lot of the same thing. Our windows suck, theirs are awesome and we should spend our money with them, now please sign here.

Plus we’re also shopping for a security system because we’re way too paranoid about the world not to have one. I only wish they came with a large attack dog and a big man with a machine gun plus steel shields that surround the whole house and a panic room in the basement. I may be overreacting. Anyway, we had one company called Safe Home Security (I was going to leave the name out but what the hell) come out last night and he tried to screw us. He wanted us to pay $200 for equipment when the exact package we were buying was being offered completely free on their website. Do I have stupid written on my forehead? No dumbass, now get the hell out! Plus, he boasted that the company has an A+ rating with the Better Business Bureau and haven’t had a complaint since 2001. Oh really? Well that sounds like something to check. Ha! They actually have an F rating which is the lowest you can go AND they have several hundred recent complaints. Top rated my ass. Plus the BBB revoked their accreditation in 2007 because of bad business practices and there’s even a lawsuit against them by the attorney general in the headquarters’ state. Oh hell no! Next please.

It’s the second in-home estimate we’ve had a bad experience with. We had National Floors Direct to give an estimate to replace our hallway carpet. It’s only a hallway so clearly it’s not a big job with tons of commission potential but they knew that from the very beginning. The guy showed up and the first thing out of his mouth was, “you dragged me all the way out here for a hallway?” Uh yeah asshole, it’s your job. We should have kicked him out right then but for whatever reason we let him stay. I think it was because I wanted clean carpet in the worst way. He then measured and had us go out to his car to see the samples in his trunk. What the hell?! It was like we were doing some drug or gun deal in a back alley somewhere. We were both pretty pissed at this point but the topping on the cake was he ignored everything I said and only looked to my hubby for answers. As if I wasn’t standing right in front of him and my opinion didn’t matter. Such an asshat.

The whole thing ended with us telling him to leave our home and him storming out muttering to himself followed by us calling the company number to file a complaint. They tried to get us to allow another salesperson to come out for an estimate after apologizing profusely for his behavior. But at that point we wanted nothing to with the company. A couple days later we purchased carpet from Lowes and are now thrilled with our new clean and soft carpet. Emphasis on clean. We still want to replace the carpet in the finished part of the basement and we clearly won’t be calling that guy again.

So, who will be buying our windows from? No clue. What company will monitor our security system? Beats me. All I know is both things will be happening eventually once we find the right ones. In the mean time we get to have all kinds of people in the house giving their ‘estimates’ while I sanitize basically everything after each visit since I’m still hiding from swine flu. Purell and air/surface sanitizers are currently my best friends.

Moronic Monday – Giving away her virginity wasn’t good enough; instead she put it up for auction.

According to a woman from California, most women wasted an opportunity when they just gave away their virginity. You know, for love. Or fun, depending on your situation. Instead she decided to become a vagina business woman and sell her virginity. I suddenly felt like I was in the middle of ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ when I read her story. In the book the young girls entertain men and then sleep with the highest bidder after being checked out by a doctor to prove their purity. In this woman’s case, she put her virginity up for sale online and will have sex with the highest bidder after being checked out by a doctor if they so wish. It’s like she ripped a page right out of the book.

She claims the idea just came to her when her sister paid her college tuition by being a prostitute for 3 weeks. I guess she wanted to one up her sister and held an online auction instead of walking the streets. Their parents must be oh so proud, don’t you think? I know college is expensive but was this the only way she could think to pay for it? Not to mention she’s trying to earn a masters degree in Family and Marriage therapy. Yup, she’s going to counsel families and couples on how to get through tough times when her only idea was selling her woman parts online. She’s so totally qualified to help you through your problems now.

The scariest part of this whole thing isn’t even that she sees nothing strange about doing this; it’s that people actually want to pay to take her virginity. Not only pay, but bidding the auction up to $3.7million! Yeah, you read that right. Millions of dollars just to sleep with a stupid college student. It’s probably the most insane thing I’ve ever heard of. It also proves we’re in a world full of crazy men that have a very weird obsession with virgins. Proving how naïve she is, she stated that she was surprised to get sexually explicit messages from ‘weirdos’ explaining exactly what they wanted to do to her. Uh, duh! Wouldn’t you consider any man willing to pay lots of money just to have sex with a virgin a weirdo? I would. She also said she gets ‘polite requests from rich businessmen’ because they apparently don’t have any better way to spend their money.

The other scary thing is you know there will be tons of girls who will read her story and turn around to do the same exact thing. Before we know it we’ll have co-ed millionaires all around the country after they sell their virginities to the richest creep online. As long as they can manage to get through high school without becoming cheap sluts. It’s ironic since most of the girls I knew that wouldn’t see anything strange in doing this were the ones sleeping with any guy that looked at them.

Although, all I got when I lost my virginity was a horny boyfriend who is now my hubby.

Moronic Monday – Where should you hide your cell phone? In your butt crack of course!

(Yes I know it’s now Wednesday but I forgot to come back to actually publish it. I thought I had scheduled it for Monday but I never set it. I’m a horrible blogger. So lets just pretend it's the right day and we can all be happy.)

So I never feel the need to hide my cell phone. Being an adult probably has something to do with that but even in school I never really hid it. Unless tossing it in my purses counts as hiding which I don’t since that’s still where it lives to this day.

However rules are a bit stricter now in schools and many try to ban cell phones all together. Except that wasn’t even the case in this story. This school had normal cell phone usage rules. The rule was ‘no talking or text messaging on cell phones during classes’. Can we get anymore simple then that? This was still beyond what a 14 year old girl could comprehend though because she insisted on texting while her teacher was trying to give the lesson. And when I say insisted, I mean she continued to text even after the teacher repeatedly told her to put the phone away. She just did what she wanted and ignored her instructor. Not all that shocking to me and you’re probably wondering why this was even a news story.

After the student continued sending her texts to whoever the teacher sent her to the principal’s office. It was there that the principal demanded her phone be confiscated. The only problem was she now claimed to not have a cell phone at all. Clearly he didn’t believe her so he decided to call her parents to report her misbehavior. It was up until this moment that the school was doing everything right. Then they took a weird turn. The first mistake was asking the student herself for the number to contact her parents. Uh what? Not once, not twice but multiple times the young girl gave incorrect phone numbers yet the principal continued to rely on her for the contact information. Is he stupid or just plain lazy? Since when does a school not have parent/guardian contact information on file for emergencies and situations like this? Doesn’t that happen like the first day of school? Why didn’t he just look the damn numbers up instead of playing the girls game? Idiot!







Anyway, that’s not what this whole thing was about. After failing to get the real phone number for her parents (and never bothering to look them up himself) he then decided to take the whole thing to a new level. He called the police. No, I don’t mean he called the on campus security. He called the actual police in their city. All because she was texting on her phone and refused to tell him what she did with it. Since when is not listening to your teacher about a cell phone an actual crime for the police to handle? Also, since when do police actually respond to such a call?

For a minute I thought perhaps the police thought they were being called for a serious crime and the school failed to mention it was a cell phone text related issue. Then I came across the part where the officers that showed up were just as wacked as the principal. When they arrived they actually decided to search the student. FOR A CELL PHONE! They didn’t just go through her bag and locker; no they actually searched her physical person. That’s when they found the cell phone. Stuffed in her ass crack. Why in the world she decided to hide it there and how she walked around as if everything was normal is beyond me. I guess she assumed they would never look there and honestly I wouldn’t have thought they would either.

Can you guess what they did next? Give her detention? No. Actually call her parents? Nope. They arrested her. A 14 year old girl was arrested for texting in class and refusing to hand the phone over to the teacher or principal. She was charged with disorderly conduct and suspended from school for a week. Can we say huge over-reaction? I get you have to be tough with kids and they need to follow the rules, but come on! She was texting on her phone in class. She was being a brat and didn’t listen to the teacher. How is this different from any other day in any high school in the country? So kick her out of class. Suspend her for a day or two for going against school policy. Having her body searched and then arrested and charged for doing something that never put anyone in any danger is just flat out insane.

A teacher once tried to take my cell phone after she saw it outside of my purse. I wasn’t even using it I just had to take it out to get to something else. I refused to hand it over because I knew most cell phones that were taken away were either lost or damaged. I was sent to the office and still refused to hand the phone over. You know what they did? NOTHING! They just said to put it away and if I was caught with it out again I would be sent home for the day. Most people I knew always refused to allow their phones to be confiscated and the worst they ever got was suspended for a day and that was after swearing up a storm over the situation. Even kids that got in full on brawls in the school halls weren’t arrested.

The girl was later charged with trespassing because she returned to the school two days later during her suspension term.

So many morons in one story.

We should all stick a tea pot up our nose. Apparently.

(I know I missed my Moronic Monday post this week but I’ve been painting and trying to find homes for all our belongings in the house as we officially moved in. I already have a story lined up for next Monday though, so forgive me for this week!)

Have you ever had an urge to warm up some water and then stick the spout of your tea pot up your nose? Yeah, me neither. Apparently people actually do this with a special nose pot thing that they call a Neti Pot. It’s this small little tea pot look-a-like that you put water and table salt (seriously?) into then literally pour up your nose. It’s supposed to clean out your nostrils of basically everything according to the site but to me it just sounds like a fast way to get that horrible water up the nose feeling, and no one likes that. I mean you might as well tip your head back in the shower since you’ll end up with same feeling. It also seems like the messiest way to clean out your nose I’ve ever heard of.

The instructions say to just casually stand over your sink with your head tipped slightly back and pour the whole damn pot up there for EACH nostril. All I picture is water going all over the place including down your shirt. Haven’t they heard of nose spray or a tissue? They also claim it will feel good as you do it and I think they’re completely insane. Never in my life would pouring water directly into my nose feel like a good time. It’s also dishwasher safe because we all want things we stick up our nose mingling with our dinnerware. Next we’ll have washable q-tips and will toss those into the basket with our silverware. The dinner guests will just be oh so thrilled with that. They even make sure to have the picture model grinning like an idiot while she uses this weird little object.







Apparently you’re not only supposed to enjoy how it feels but be absolutely thrilled with the process. You don’t look totally strange at all doing this. It’s completely normal. Right. If I ever saw someone actually using a Neti pot I would think they took or drank too much of something and should seek professional help. I would be calling 911 telling them that my friend made tea for her nose and is now pouring it into her head so send the paramedics and probably a lot of towels. Isn’t it great that they included the water coming out of the other nostril as well? Wonderful picture design. It’s even scarier that someone was probably paid to make it.

I’m sort of lost on the point of this thing though. It says not to use it if your nose is stuffy, but when else would you need to remove mucus from your nose? When you’re not stuffy most people don’t even think about their nose never mind ways to give it a bath. It also makes sure to tell you to breathe through your mouth when using it as if there were any other option and people were actually confused. Is this really an issue for people? If it is then I’m horrified for our world’s future. The site also boasts it’s a great holiday gift and I feel the need to say no, this is a HORRIBLE gift. No one wants one of these things especially as a Christmas gift. Imagine that moment by the tree, “Here’s a thing to drain your nose. Merry Christmas!” This is a perfect example of a gift that you force gratitude through and then immediately think of ways to get rid of it. Toss it in the closet, re-gift, or just flat out throw it away. As my grandmother has always done, in my house it would ‘meet an unfortunate accident’ and be gone. Then the following year I would return the favor and give that person an ear irrigator. So they can feel the same pain.

I showed this to my hubby earlier tonight and his instant reaction was, “what the fuck?!” He then went on a little rant about how freaky it was that she was smiling so much and then he moved into the ‘I’m a little tea pot’ song and mixed the Neti pot into it. I would share it but I missed the words because I was laughing so hard at his reaction.

Next time your nose feels neglected warm up some water and table salt in a tea pot and have at it. It’s the fast track to the crazy house as anyone that sees you will be completely convinced you’ve lost your mind. Whoever invented this clearly lost theirs.

My apartment is trying to make my ears bleed or make my head explode.

I wrote this during the day yesterday but didn’t post it right away. I meant to but kind of forgot to actually publish it. I blame it on the noise. So here it is now. Better late than never I guess.

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As I write this, the fire alarm in our apartment building is going off. No, I’m not an idiot for being inside. This is the 4th time it’s gone off today and this last time has been going for literally an hour and a half. Yes, you read that right. Apparently a hot water heater in one of the apartments leaked (each unit has one) and caused the alarm below it to go off. The fire department came to turn it off and everyone went back inside. Then about 20 minutes later it went off again. The process repeated itself and then it went off a third time for about 10 minutes. All was quiet for about 15 minutes and then the 4th one went off. This time the fire department abandoned us because the alarm won’t stop until it’s replaced. The guy that needs to replace it hasn’t shown up yet. So here I sit with an ear piercing alarm going off for over 90 minutes. It’s amazing there hasn’t been a mass suicide yet.

For the first hour or so I sat outside on the balcony on the damn floor because all our outdoor chairs are at the house already. I even brought the laptop out there at one point because I was bored out of my mind. Then the bugs invaded. These little orangey-red ladybug things were fucking everywhere. They were like little kamikaze bugs because they were dive bombing my head. I swear bugs are attracted to me because they can sense how much I hate them. Then a hornet showed up followed by this massive bug thing I’ve never seen before and really never want to see again. The final straw was a spider that was crawling right for me. I almost lost it. So, I packed everything up and came back inside. Here I sit with huge headphones on and music blasting my eardrums to death to block out the evil ringing. It’s either this or letting my ears bleed from the alarm. I pick this.

The best part of this whole thing is no one from the maintenance staff can do a damn thing about it. Only a licensed alarm person can replace the one that’s setting it all off, so they can’t touch it. The fire department won’t show up anymore to turn it off because they know it’s not a real fire. We’re totally fucked if a real one actually breaks out because they’re completely ignoring us at this point. The staff here can’t silence the alarm without incurring a large fine for messing with the equipment so basically we’re all screwed. Most people left a long time ago to avoid the noise. Besides me, there’s only two other people here and they’re outside. Why haven’t I left, you ask? I haven’t mastered flying on a broom yet and have no car because hubby has it with him at work. So yes I’m stuck here as if I’m in prison. Only I didn’t do anything. This could be used as a form of torture. Anyone stuck in this noise with no form of blocking it would spill every secret they had.

It’s wonderful timing that this is all happening only days before we officially move out. We’re literally leaving this weekend with Saturday being our last night here. Why did this have to happen today? Why couldn’t it be next Tuesday instead when I’m not here to suffer through it? No of course not, because Murphy’s Law hates me and has made me a target. You know what I say to that then? Screw you Murphy. Screw you. I have hundreds and hundreds of songs on my laptop to block out the noise and I’ll do it as long as needed. Let’s just hope I don’t need to pee anytime soon since my laptop battery is special and can’t function without being plugged in. I really should replace that thing. I also can’t eat lunch for the same reason. I would go insane in the time it took to make a sandwich and then it would be wasted. It’s a lose-lose situation. For a split second I felt that I would miss our apartment a little but fuck that. I won’t miss a damn thing now.

It’s been a full 2 hours straight now that the alarm has been ringing. Two very long hours.

The alarm guy was supposed to be here an hour ago. Asshole.

PS. After 2 and a half hours the alarm finally stopped. My head is still ringing.

PSS. That massive bug I had never seen before and didn't want to see again, yeah well one was just walking across my living room carpet!! It's even creepier up close!! A wide but thin body, wings, 6 long legs it uses to walk (not crawl), and 2 long antenna it wiggles around.CREEPY!

Moronic Monday: Forget eye for an eye, it’s goldfish for a diamond now.

It’s a timeless story. You fall in love, you move in together and oh so romantically become common-law married. Then, things fall apart and you break up. Your ex common-law husband (that sounds so weird) decides he wants all the jewelry he’s ever given you. He steals it and refuses to give it back. All you want is your diamonds and since you can’t get your way, you decide to get even. So what do you do? You steal his goldfish of course.

This is exactly what a woman from Pasadena, Texas did. She was angry and apparently thought stealing the 7 goldfish the couple bought together was her best option. The man called police and reported them stolen. I’m sure the police were just thrilled at this call. Anyway, they did their duty and went straight to the woman’s house. After talking with the woman for a few minutes they discovered that not only had the woman stolen her ex husband’s beloved goldfish, but she took the revenge one step further.

She ate them.




Yup, she threw them in a frying pan and ate 3 of the little fishies before the police even arrived. We know this because the officers found 4 of them on a plate sitting on her kitchen table. She was completely unfazed by the whole thing and led them straight to her tiny victims the second they asked where the fish were. When asked where the remaining 3 fish were she simply stated, “I already ate those.” Just another day on the job for those officers, don’t you think?

Best of all, there was nothing the police could do. There’s no law against eating goldfish apparently and since the fish were purchased while the couple lived together they were considered community property. I guess as long as you buy a pet together Texas law doesn’t really care what you do to them afterwards. I get why she wasn’t arrested for stealing the fish because of the whole community property laws but what about animal cruelty? She killed the fish! And then she ate them! That’s not normal behavior you do with your pets. I get that they were fish but they were their pets! They named them and cared for them by feeding and cleaning their tank. She gets mad one day and then decides they’re dinner? What the hell is wrong with people?

The police said if the man wants to pursue the issue then it would be a civil case which he would obviously win since she flat out admitted to eating the fish and the police found some of them fried in her kitchen. I love how she even sat down at her table with a plate and dinnerware to eat the fish.

Because she’s dignified like that.