I’m creeped out that this even exists for me to write about. The sad part is although I find it beyond creepy I’m not all that surprised. This is the kind of world we live in people, a very weird world. Oh and this is totally not safe for work so consider yourself warned!
Have you heard of Twilight? That was probably a dumb question. Anyway, everyone knows it’s about a vampire and a human girl that fall in love and um that’s basically it. I’ve never read the books or seen the movie so I don’t know the little details but I know enough that makes me never want to know the rest. I do know that teen girls go absolutely gaga over the cast though. Apparently a sex toy company saw the insane obsession with the series and a hole in the market they decided was up to them to fill. Ready for this? They made a vampire inspired dildo. And they named it “The Vamp”. I couldn’t even attempt to make this shit up. Here’s the picture to prove it:
See? It’s a dildo that is supposed to be like what a vampire’s penis would be. Not just any type of vampire though but specifically a Twilight vampire. Apparently the vampires from Twilight sparkle. Yes, they sparkle. I don’t have the faintest idea why but that’s one of the unique things about them, I guess. So this company made their toy sparkle to make it more “real”. I told you this was weird. Did you happen to notice the color? It’s not your computer screen playing tricks on you. They purposely made it look like it could be on a walking dead corpse. Seriously! The company even says, “..a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deadly pale flesh tone..” What the fuck is THAT about? Do people really get off on using a death colored dildo? According to this company they do. WEIRD!
They don’t stop there though. For the people who want this thing, having it look like sparkly death (I can’t believe I even typed that) isn’t enough. No, they had to take it a step further. I couldn’t possibly say it any better then the company did themselves so here is exactly what they wrote in the product description:
“Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.” You should read that at least 3 times to get the full scope of how horrible of a statement it really is.
They literally designed the toy to be placed in the refrigerator so that the customer could get off using a dildo that not only looks dead but FEELS dead. Not only that but they believe it to be an authentic experience as if you could really just walk outside and screw a vampire all in his sparkle glory. What the hell?! It’s screwed up on at least 7 different levels. Probably more. They also go on to say, “..don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking The Vamp out in the sunlight and watch it sparkle.” Not only are they condoning playing with necrophilia dildos but they’re encouraging people to do so in public, in daylight!
This horror of a product can be yours for a mere $40. Apparently sparkly dead sex doesn’t come cheap. The feels like sparkly death penis toy can be found here. (In case you just have to see for yourself.)
PS. I was nominated for an award by a new follower and it’s a total first! I’m supposed to post a whole thing about it and nominate other people but I couldn’t resist writing this post so I’ll do it later. Thanks Zen Mama!
PPS. I had to re-ad the picture of The Vamp since photobucket deleted the other one because they found it just as disturbing as I did. Actually, it violated their terms of service which I think means basically the same thing. All is fine now.
PPPS. Is it really strange that this is probably my favorite post ever?