Cosmo magazine thinks we’re all acrobats or gymnasts and I think they’re freaking nuts!

Dear Cosmo Magazine/ Sex Advice Department,

I’ve been reading Cosmo for years and I honestly have no clue why anymore. I’ve never really come away learning anything from your numerous (stupid) articles about how the color of a man’s shirt shows how serious he is about commitment or the way he eats says how he’ll be in bed or some weird shit like that. It makes no damn sense! I think all of your editors and writers sit around saying, “what kind of stupid shit can we convince them of this month?

What the hell is up with your new “Sex Position of the Day” thing on your site? You copied the word of the day concept but instead of teaching anyone something useful it’s like you’re trying to kill all your readers or at least land them in the ER with a horrible story to tell. I think you do it on purpose so those same people can later write in for the embarrassing story section and it becomes a never-ending cycle. Oh and who the hell came up with your “carnal challenge” ratings? Have you ever actually attempted the stuff you recommend because if you have then you must be an Olympic gymnast that has no business telling us how easy it is. You should just stick with your hurdles or trapeze and stop trying to contort our lives! And if you’re not a circus gymnast then you’re just insane and should smack yourself in the head with 5 copies of your magazine, while you’re in one of your idiotic positions.

The first one I saw was called, “Yes! Yes! Yes!

Description: “Lie facedown on the bed, then scoot your body forward so your head and torso hang over the side, your palms on the floor supporting your weight. Your man crawls over you and enters from behind, his legs between yours. He can hold onto your hips for leverage to allow him to keep his head and shoulders raised high instead of resting on your back. Your bodies will form a sideways Y for Yes!

I have an answer for you, NO NO and NO! This messed up excuse for pleasure looks like he’s trying to crack her back while pretending to be a performing seal. All you need is a ball on his nose and we’re magically at the circus all over again. I’m half expecting him to clap like a seal except he would then fall and break his face all while the girl is passed out from the massive blood rush to her head and the pain from her now broken spine.

It keeps getting worse though because when I clicked the next button, it told me I should now try the one called, “The Head Over Heels.

Description: “Start by lowering yourself to your knees and crossing your arms on the ground in front of you, using a pillow to cushion your elbows. Stick your butt in the air and rest your head on your arms, bracing it on the floor if you need to. Tell your man to stand behind you and lift your legs up by your ankles until your body is almost perpendicular to the floor. Keep your knees bent and have him enter from behind.

Screw you Cosmo. Is this one a joke? Seriously? I want to know because I can’t even almost picture anyone being like, “honey, do you feel like pretending you’re screwing a wheelbarrow tonight?” Have you even noticed how much this resembles a guy having way too much fun with his yard tool? I can’t be the only one that sees it. That’s not mentioning the fact that this has to be one of the most uncomfortable looking positions I think I’ve ever seen. This is freaking insane! Once again you have a girl who has passed out from the blood rush and a concussion from her head being slammed into the floor, plus a guy that look as if he’s playing dirty landscaper.

Your sex advice is just evil. My husband doesn’t find it sexy when I’m contorted like a pretzel because it makes him want to get me to a chiropractor or neurosurgeon. Plus he finds sex with an unconscious person much too close to sex with a dead person and that’s just horrible.

My advice is to stop letting crazy acrobats write your articles that may or may not have ever had sex themselves because if they did they would know how stupid some of these suggestions really are and then they would just smack their head into a wall for even writing. Oh and if you look at the woman in the “Head Over Heels” picture, her boob is actually falling off. Go back and look if you don’t believe me because it’s obvious whoever makes these things has never actually seen a naked woman before.

You should require anatomy classes for all writers and graphic designers before trying to depict, you know, freaking anatomy!

-LB, The non-contortionist


Momma Sunshine said...
September 18, 2009 at 6:05 AM

Love this: “honey, do you feel like pretending you’re screwing a wheelbarrow tonight?”

Um...yeah. WTF Cosmo? Geez.

The Peach Tart said...
September 18, 2009 at 7:37 AM

Why is it also that the female in both positions seems to be the one doing the most contorting and the most uncomfortable? In the first one I'd be concerned that when Mr. Peach Tart starts doing his business, he's gonna drive me right off the edge of the bed.

In the second one first I would probably start laughing trying to get into that position. Second, I wouldn't last too long because all the blood would be running to my head. Third, this position is just begging for a big fart slipping out.

Logical Libby said...
September 18, 2009 at 8:57 AM

Also, why is Cosmo into all of this "from behind" stuff? Are they assuming that if you need to try these positions you are sick of looking at your partner?

Sex Toy Guru said...
September 18, 2009 at 3:19 PM

I think Cosmo enjoys the responses they get back from readers after their awkward sexual experience.

jessicabold said...
September 21, 2009 at 10:59 AM

I was going to say that... How the female is like...the uncomfortable one. All, "did you enjoy that honey?"


"I'm trying to get the carpet fibers out of my teeth. ONE SECOND."

franzi said...
September 26, 2009 at 12:58 PM

oh this post is great! i'm so happy i found your blog - i'm hooked already.

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