My in-laws were convinced my husband would die because of me.

So I just found a new blog that I instantly loved. It’s called The Devil’s Daughter-in-law and it’s awesome. She shares horribly wonderful stories of her evil mother-in-law and then shares the stories people email her. It’s fantastic because it makes you feel so much better about your own retched in-laws, ya know if you have any. It’s probably still enjoyable even if you adore your in-laws which in that case you should feel special because you’re a minority. Congratulations. For the rest of us, it’s like coming home to our people. I literally read every post on her blog today because I have too much time on my hands and it has inspired me to share stories of my in-laws. Friends seem to get a kick out of them so why not share with the blogging world, or the 3 people that read this blog.

My in-laws hate me. I know this for a fact, it’s not an assumption. They have hated me from day one even before the met me. They basically hate the concept of me existing which is fun because just the fact that I can breathe pisses them off. They have also decided to hate my family just because they can even though no one has ever done anything to insult them; actually it’s more the reverse since they have insulted my family and me several times. There are way too many stories to fit in one post so here are a few gems. They once decided I must have mental issues because my father is an alcoholic (I don’t speak to him) even though my husband’s Mother grew up with an alcoholic father, but “that’s different".

When my husband and I began dating we were long distance. Actually we even met online accidentally on a random site when neither one of us were looking for a relationship. I was even dating someone at the time and our conversations were just when we were bored and online. Anyway, at some point it turned into more then casual chats and we eventually fell in love (after my other lame relationship ended of course). It was hard but we made it work. My family was fine with it but his were not. My now father-in-law actually said “Your online relationship is against God.” I’m not an expert on the bible or anything but I’m pretty sure there isn’t anything in there about not meeting someone online. Maybe I missed that page.

Being long distance, the phone was our major form of communication. Hearing each others voice is important when you can’t be face to face each day, so we would have long conversations everyday. It was important to both of us but his family had a serious problem with that and blamed me for it. They once said to him after we finished a phone call, “Do you really like that she’s so needy and forcing you to talk to her everyday?” It’s safe to say the rest of that conversation didn’t go too well as my now husband was pissed! Another day they told him that my family was just trying to pawn me off on him and that’s why they were being supportive of our relationship. WHO SAYS THAT?! They had never even met my family and decided my Mom was trying to “get rid” of me. They also decided that I must be using him although I have no idea where they got that from. Their ass is my best guess.

As he was graduating college he had a fantastic internship in New York City for a few mouths. That horrified them and they tried to stop him. When his internship was over he moved to my state in New England. I didn’t want him moving just because of me but he had always wanted out of his home state in the Midwest and loved the northeast, especially the Red Sox. As he was preparing to move his parents really pulled out the stops to try to convince him to stay. They hated the idea that he was moving away because they wouldn’t be able to control him anymore. They spouted some really crazy shit to try to scare him into staying as if he was a young child. Some of my favorites are as follows.

“But you can’t swim! They have hurricanes there all the time and if the city floods you’ll die!” – Mother-in-law

Honestly, we haven’t had a real hurricane here in YEARS! We usually get just a tropical storm or two that’s too weak to do any damage. No one has drowned, I assure you. It’s not like we live on the Gulf Coast or something. Besides, if/when a real hurricane hits, he’s not going to go for a leisurely swim.

“All the buildings in the northeast are so old and decrepit!” – Father-in-law

Um, ok? The northeast is old but it’s not like the Midwest is a spring chicken! I really don’t even know what their point was with this comment.

“You can’t work in New York City; you’ll be shot and murdered as soon as you get there!" –Mother-in-law

Okay, I get that New York is kind of scary to people who have never been there, or even for some who have, but it’s not like everyone who goes there dies every second. I mean it’s a city just like anywhere else and it just has a really bad reputation. Besides, he wasn’t even living in New York City, just commuted there to work. Whatever.

“You must leave your car here. You can’t take it to New York! It will be hijacked and stripped when you’re sleeping!” – Both of them.

They firmly believed this even after he explained that he was going to be commuting to NYC by train (like everyone else) and the car would be staying at the train station where he was living, outside of the city. There was no way in hell he was leaving his car, because only the Lord knows what they would do to it while he was gone. I think the real reason they wanted him to leave it because they knew he would be driving to see me on weekends.

“Her family isn’t Godly! They’re not Christian Reformed like we are. They’re Catholic!” – Father-in-law

First you have to picture him saying “Catholic” as if it was some horrid disease or curse. Second, last time I checked Catholic people worshiped God. I’m also pretty sure it’s a religion. My family isn’t devout though so I guess that was part of their problem. Want the kicker though? They hate Catholics because “they’re so judgmental”. Yeah, ponder that shit for a while!

When all of that failed, his mother cried. I don’t mean she shed a few tears and waved goodbye. I mean she bawled her eyes out! In full hysterics that she was never going to see him again and that I was “stealing her son!” Then his father pulled the whole, “see what you’re doing to your Mother just so you can go be with your little girlfriend!” At least they called me little. None of it worked of course. He completed his internship and moved here.

This is probably WAY too long already so I’ll stop my story telling now. I’ll have to share the more of their antics another time.

If you’re actually still reading at this point, bless you!