She thought my vagina would be afraid of the woman’s public bathroom.


Today, people see me as a nice and normal (on the outside, I look just like you) woman, but when I was teenager I was a total bitch! Maybe it was the hormones or the fact that I had an attitude the size of North America, but I was a preppy girl with a serious grudge against the world. That almost makes sense if you don’t think about it too much and kind of smack yourself in the head. Go ahead and try it, I’ll wait. – Please note: I’m not responsible for any concussions so don’t even think about calling that injury attorney on TV at 3am because I’m just a figment of your imagination and it won’t hold up in court. Contemplate THAT.

Anyway, I was kind of crazily overprotective of my younger brother. Think rabid bear protecting her cubs, minus the fur, foaming of the mouth, and flesh tearing claws – that was more or less me. Even if he completely started it and I saw him do it, it didn’t matter and I wouldn’t let anyone get him back. Some girl once decided to hit and push him down after he made fun of her for something. It was stupid because she did it in front of 3 other people who knew me and they came flocking to find me to snitch on what happened. I was like the mafia, someone hurt him and the news came immediately to me.

Just call me Don Juan.

The rabid part came out and I literally chased her around the campground we were in. Her friends ditched her and she eventually tried to hide. Only problem was she picked a WOMAN’S BATHROOM! She didn’t even lock the door and hid inside one of the literally three stalls. My friend and I were outside the door for a minute laughing at how stupid it was and I was all like, “does she think I’m afraid of the toilets?” After almost dying of laughter I went in and lost it laughing again when I realized that instead of using the deadbolt on the heavy outside door she hid behind a thin wooden stall with an eyehook lock. I was even a nice hostage taker/mafia leader and told her I wouldn’t kill her. Eventually she came out when she realized we weren’t leaving and I could just reach over the door and unlock the hook if I wanted to get her that bad. See, I wasn’t all stone, just partially.

She told me that he made fun of her for something she said that I totally don’t remember what it was because I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to her story. It was something about him setting off her trigger or something like that. I was all like, “I really don’t care what he did to you, DON’T EVER TOUCH HIM!” Then I got totally mean and all Sopranos on her and was like, “If you ever do it again, I’m going to make your face a permanent part of the pavement.” I would have never hurt her, but it was just letting her think I would that was enough. She literally avoided me after that. I never actually hurt anyone that went after my brother but I guess I had an awesome ‘I’m going to kill you mob boss face,’ because no one ever pushed it further then that.

Honestly, even if she ran into the men’s room I still would have followed her in. My vagina was a badass and wasn’t afraid of the toilets or urinals, even though they’re very strange things to even think about peeing in.

We should all totally have our meetings in the men’s room next to the urinals. Keeps everyone on their toes.


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