I don’t know about you but I’ve never really met a doctor that has much of a sense of humor. I actually think they have it removed during medical school like some kind of requirement.
A friend of mine, who wants to remain anonymous that we’ll call Annie, has a cold from hell that is still kicking her ass. She was hacking up phlegm all over the place and basically felt like death. So I went with her to her doctor and witnessed the following scary and fucking hilarious conversation.
Annie: “I’ve been sick for over a week and I can’t stop coughing. I have a constant headache and I cough up green stuff all the time. Sometimes I can’t breathe because I’m coughing so hard. My nose is like a running faucet and my throat feels like it’s trying to rip it’s self apart. *Cough cough hack hack- phlegm* I think I’m dying.”
*Her doctor moves his little wheely stool in front of her and looks her dead in the face with a very serious look.
Doctor: “Annie, listen to me. You are not going to die but if you really think you are then we have a serious problem here. If you truly believe you’re going to die then you need to see a psychiatrist.”
Annie: “What? No. I don’t think I’m going to die I just feel like I’m going to die, it’s just how it feels.”
*At this point she just looked at me like this doctor was crazy which was ironically what the doctor was thinking of her.
Doctor: “I see. You have me very concerned and I may have to go make a few phone calls.”
Annie: “Why? Do you think I have swine flu because I really think I do? I mean I have the symptoms and everything...”
*The doctor cut her off shaking his head.
Doctor: “No, no. You don’t have swine flu. I think you have a sinus infection along with some seasonal allergies. I’m concerned because you believe you’re dying and that’s something a mental health professional needs to evaluate.”
Annie: “Huh? *Cough hacking cough* No, I don’t think I’m dying. Seriously, I was just saying I feel like death. Like, I feel like shit. I don’t need to see anyone; I know I’m not dying. It was kind of a joke, like ha-ha.”
I couldn’t hold it anymore and just died laughing. It was insane that she was just using a figure of speech and a little joke and this doctor was ready to strap on the straight jacket. This also got me a dirty look from her doctor. Annie tried to laugh with me but ended up caught in a coughing fit that lasted a good minute.
The doctor eventually understood what she was trying to say after both Annie and I explained what she really meant. He didn’t even get that the joke went right over his head. Seriously, this guy is like made of stone. She left with a boatload of prescriptions for antibiotics, cough medication, nose spray, and allergy pills. Basically, he doped her up.
By the time I left her house she was flying high on cough syrup and saying she was going to buy a horse. Where she plans to keep the horse in her tiny backyard, I have no idea.
Catching a swine flu look-a-like disease makes you want to start a farm. Apparently.