The first-time homebuyer class was trying to paralyze or infect me with the plague.


Actual Hazmat play set. Every child should have one.

So my husband and I had to go to a first-time homebuyer class seminar thing tonight which I don’t think is how you’re supposed to spend your Cinco de Mayo, so I may have to send an angry letter to whoever scheduled the class. Anyway, about 60 people were there and I swear at least three people were infected with something. Every few minutes at least one of them would hack up a lung and I could feel the swine flu infecting my body. As I type this, I think I’m incubating some type of swine flu/black plague hybrid disease that could kill me by tomorrow afternoon. That or I could just be sick with a cold by the end of the week, either way it’s totally screwed up. Two of the infected people were sitting only two to three chairs away from me so I wasn’t the required 150ft away from them to avoid their cough spreading germs. Gross. As the guy was telling all of us what we should know, I couldn’t help but wish I had a hazmat suit folded up nicely in my purse.

To make it even worse the class was 3 ½ hours long and they set out chairs from hell that made my hips and lower back scream out in pain only about 30 minutes into the lecture. By the time the whole thing was over I was convinced I was never going to be able to walk again. This is how our conversation went on the way home.

Me: I think I’m going to be paralyzed from the waist down because of this damn class.

Husband: Um, you just walked from the building to the car, I think you’re fine.

Me: Yeah but it’s not immediate onset. It’s going to hit when I’m not expecting it like in the middle of the night or when I’m on the toilet.

Husband: Ok, fine. We’ll get you some of those old lady bathroom handle bars. Then you can just power lift yourself off the toilet.

Me: I’ll be too weak from the black plague- swine- bird flu hybrid disease I caught from the lady next to you.

At this point he just laughed his ass off and said that we’re both just crazy. But I survived the class and even though I’ll be dead by Thursday we have our little certificate that says we did the class thing. I may have to attend our closing in a hazmat suit strapped into a wheelchair but hey, we’ll get a house (well, when we find one that our offer is accepted on – whenever the hell that happens).

PS: Did I mention the class was held in a room at our local police station? Seriously. In between the explanations about different programs for first time buyers we heard policemen make announcements requesting someone to go to the main desk.

A homeowner’s class in the same building as the criminals of your city. It’s the American dream.


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