It’s totally not safe in the middle of nowhere. You can get raped and chopped up like a stir-fry.

My husband and I drove by a house we saw online that’s for sale the other day. He liked that it had like an acre of land and some odd shape that’s a ranch but not at the same time. The closer we got to the house the less cell phone signal we had and I was all like, “Omygod! What if our car dies like right now and we can’t call anyone?! We’re going to die out here.” He kind of looked at me like I was suddenly growing a second head and was like, “We’re not going to die and the car’s fine. Besides, we’re on a street with plenty of houses that we could easily ask to use their phone and its daylight.” I literally almost lost my mind right there and then because how could I love someone so not up on how we could possibly die! So then I’m freaking out and was all like, “What?! We can’t just walk up to a house to use a phone! Have you not seen a single horror movie, like ever? That’s how you’d get chopped up into tiny little pieces and I’d be kept as their baby making slave. Oh, and people get raped in the daylight all the time. I saw it on Oprah.”

He laughed at me for my mini freak out but I think I’m totally justified. I mean, there’s like thick woods everywhere that crazy rapist and cannibals could be hiding out in their tree houses made out of human bones and skin. I mean, it happens all the time, right? Every house we drove by I was thinking about how someone could be breaking in right that second. He really doesn’t get that I think houses that are in the middle of no where are less safe then one in a normal neighborhood because there’s no one around and you could be dead for weeks before anyone smelled you.

So we pull up in front of the house and I opened my cell phone and it said the dreaded ‘searching’ screen. I was like, “Holy shit! The phone doesn’t even know it should be a t-mobile phone! We could be attacked like right now and no one would ever hear us scream!” He laughed at me was like, “Babe. There are plenty of houses on this street; if you screamed about 15 different people would hear you.” I think he’s totally nuts and I’m now more concerned then ever. I was then like, “Yeah but they would totally think it was a fox or fisher cat or something! They sound just like someone dying. So great, in case we weren’t dead already they would come out and shoot us thinking we were some wild screeching animal in heat. I feel SO much better now.” I gave him a huge eye roll with that and he just kept laughing and telling me I’m crazy. Maybe, but I’m not dead and hanging over someone’s fireplace mantel!

We left a few seconds after that and I couldn’t wait to see those magical little bars appear on my screen. When it had two bars I was like, “Look! We’re saved. Ok, new rule. No more houses outside the cell phone range.” He laughed but agreed. Besides, it would have been a hell of a commute since the highway was about 8 miles away from the house alone.

I tend to have a similar reaction when in the mountains.

I could be overreacting.