A swarm of bees came for my birthday.

It’s that time of year again! No, besides summer. It’s my birthday. Is it weird that I find it slightly strange to be turning 22? Usually I laugh at people when they ask if I feel any different but this year it does seem a little weird. For some reason I never got used to being 21. Not that there’s any special feel to that age either but I very rarely had to even think about how old I was never mind say it, so it still sounds strange to say. Oh well. At least I’m still at the point where I can just be happy with my age instead of where I’ll be 10 years from now and denying it.

Besides the fact that family is coming over tonight and we’re going whale watching this weekend for my birthday (yay whales!) something else came to celebrate. Bees! Yes, those wonderful little creatures decided our house is an awesome place to live. And by wonderful little creatures I really mean evil little pain in the asses. I know our house is nice and we love it, I just had no idea the bees would feel the same way. Specifically about our living room wall. They found a small crevice and moved themselves right in.

As for what kind of bees they are, the collective guess is they’re yellow jackets. Although we’ve gone from yellow jackets to wasps to hornets to carpenter bees back to yellow jackets. Honestly, we really have no idea what they are except that they are living in our wall and are very enthusiastically unwanted. So we decided to be good DIYers and take care of it with store bought spray. When they barely even twitched at the first one my hubby tried again. And again it didn’t work. After a third spray and still the bees were buzzing around we gave in and called a pest control company. We should have just started there.

Besides being bees with good taste (ignore the toot of my own horn) and apparently bionic since they can survive sprays made to kill them, they also have stage fright. When the pest control guy showed up I led him to the hole and we waited. Even though they always flying around especially near my head not a single one was to be found. He then returned to his car to get his little mirror one arrived and entered the hole. It was the one and only bee that surfaced while he was here and it was when he wasn’t looking. Of course! It’s like the little things knew their killer had arrived and stayed away. Stupid bees. So based on my description and where they made their nest he said they were more than likely yellow jackets but he can’t know for sure without seeing them.

So in two days they will be returning with their killer dust that will be blown into the wall and kill the bees. He said the entire nest will be killed off within three days of the dust being deployed. Yay! I’m not a big fan of sharing my home with bees. They can consider this their eviction notice.

I was molested by a spider.

Are spiders supposed to be smart? Can they tell who exactly in the room despises them the most and then decide to attack them? Am I giving them too much credit? I ask because two nights ago I was sitting on our living room couch with the hubby and my brother. I hate, despise and fear spiders. The other two don’t really seem to care about them either way. Then there was the spider. I don’t know where it came from or how long it was there. Probably not long since I kind of sorta have radar for them and usually spot their location even when no one else seemed to notice. All I know was out of the entire house it decided the spot on the ceiling above our couch was a prime location. And it also decided I was the one it was looking for and not the other two warm bodies on the couch.

Before I had a chance to spot it and sick one of the men to kill it, the spider dropped. ON ME! Welcome to my biggest fear. A spider dropping and/or finding a way to touch me is a thought that can send me running from a room from even the tiniest of spiders. It makes my skin crawl and my insides scream just writing this. Anyway, the spider decided to make my fear a reality. Did it land on my head? No. My lap? Nope. It landed on my chest and scurried down my FREAKING shirt. Yes, I was molested by a spider in my very own house and somehow lived to tell about it. It’s a miracle. Or an overreaction but who’s really keeping score?

The second I felt it hit my skin I knew what it was without even seeing it. No I don’t mean I knew it was a bug. I mean I KNEW it was a spider because this is my life and what else would really drop on me of all people? Exactly. I screamed, jumped off the couch and proceeded to claw my own chest to get it off. It’s actually amazing I didn’t rip my shirt off which my brother is very appreciative for. So I guess even in pure panic my brain still had enough sense not to strip. Thank God for that. However what my brain couldn’t do was register pain since I scratched the hell out of my skin to get the spider away as fast as possible and had no idea I was attacking myself. I didn’t draw blood but I was pretty damn close.

The second the spider was out of my shirt and I saw it fly back towards the couch I ran to the opposite side of the room and hyperventilated. My hubby did a little dance to get off the couch since in my panic I sort of threw the spider at him. Sorry babe! He killed it of course and then stared in awe at the scratches on my chest. Honestly? It sort of looked like I was attacked by some poltergeist like in haunting movies except I did it to myself while conscious and still hadn’t even felt anything. That came a few minutes later and it stung like hell. A little while later, after my breathing returned to normal and I convinced myself to sit on the couch again a disturbing realization hit. That evil little pervert of a spider?

It got to second base with me.

Yup. This is my life people. You can’ even almost make this shit up.

When you saw Avatar, did you think of giant Smurfs too?

Think him. Only taller. And no clothes.


So, we just saw Avatar for the first time this weekend. I know. We’re so behind everyone else. But I wasn’t in any big rush to see a movie the whole country was orgasming over just because ‘they’ said I should. It’s a movie, it can wait. Anyway, we eventually watched it mostly because we were able to get it as a free rental. Clearly, we didn’t try very hard to see it but oh well. Not knowing much about the movie going in except that it’s all people talked about at the time and it had something to do with blue people and was in 3D when it came out, we jumped in hoping to love it. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was far too distracted by the movie to really enjoy it.

Granted, the technology they used in the movie was pretty cool. Some of the computers and systems made my hubby come close to drooling but the whole linking ones brain up to something else and living as it is more creepy than cool to me, but whatever. My problem was the Navi people, or however you spell that just reminded me of Smurfs. I know that’s probably a huge jump but I was like “oh. We have giant Smurfs running around mostly naked. Weird.” Then next thing I know they started hissing at each other. So then I was like, “um, they’re part vampire now too?” It was at about that point that my hubby just laughed and said, “I think this movie is a little lost on you if that’s what you’re thinking about.” And honestly? Probably. But they even had little fang teeth and were hissing when they were mad so it was like Smurfs meets Twilight or something.






See? Blue vampire.


Then a bunch of things happened and somehow I was suddenly watching a war action movie in the middle of everything which was sad since one side had machine gun things and the others had wimpy arrows. I thought the weirdness was over until Grace was shot during an escape to go become a fake but sort of real blue person in the mountains. The blue people had to save her. Them and their God spirit person tree thing.

That’s when the orgy happened.

They all sat on the ground around their magical tree and linked to each other through their hair that looked more like tails and then gyrated all together while moaning and chanting. When I said it looked like a big nature orgy my hubby just laughed at me which didn’t really tell me if he agreed or just thought I was crazy. They did it twice actually with only the second one being successful. What makes a successful nature blue people orgy? Out of body experiences where you just move into another body. No really. That’s what they were trying to do. Plus, the human in the middle of it had to be naked and I have no idea why. That’s just how they do it. I guess.

Also? The giant Smurf vampires were also a lot like penguins. The blue people apparently have to mate under the magical tree for their ancestors to watch which to me just sounded like a big voyeur party. But once they did that they were mated for life. Just like penguins. It was a big ball of sweet and creepy all at the same time. But I guess even after you mate for life it’s still totally okay to abandon your for life partner to be blown up by the sky people because you’re having a mood swing. Which means penguins are better.

Going to a fireworks warehouse with two pyros is sort of like going to a crack house with crack addicts. I’m guessing.

What happens in your house when the 4th of July is approaching? Cook out plans? Mega food shopping? Maybe even some decorating? Well, we do all that too. But we also indulge in flaming toys that make a really big boom. Totally normal right? Yeah, didn’t think so. But it happened anyway.

This past Saturday my hubby, brother and I took a 3 hour drive to New Hampshire to a large fireworks warehouse. But we didn’t go there to buy sparklers and little ground spark fountains, the kind that were just recently made legal in my little state. No, we went there to buy 500 gram cakes that shoot full blooms into the air and make a lot of noise. Yes, we’re having full aerials on the 4th and we currently have 3 cakes worth plus some individual shots affectionately called Predator. Basically, we bought the exact opposite of what are now considered legal fireworks. Our pile is pictured below.






Ignore the crap in the background, it was the microwave packaging.

Probably overboard but I can guarantee my hubby would tell you he wants more. This is what he has been thinking about since we started house hunting early last year. He knew right away he wanted to have a cook out and set off what he called ‘real’ fireworks and has been planning this for months. He probably would have bought more if we hadn’t just purchased 4 appliances a couple weeks ago. Personally, I would rather have the appliances but maybe I’m slightly biased since I use the kitchen and won’t be playing with the flaming boxes. Although I did pick out a small box that I don’t even know what it will do, all I know is whatever it shoots out will be pink which was enough for me. They named it Pink Diamonds which is just an adorable name for a firework. Pink isn’t exactly in line with the patriotic red, white and blue but we have plenty of that too.

The sales people there loved them since the prices of the cakes didn’t even faze them and my hubby gave a simple, “sure, throw it in” when they would show us different items. That’s how we ended up with that pile. Most of it was suggested and they just went with it. I assure you hubby doesn’t normally shop this way but a pyro in a fireworks warehouse is sort of like a dog standing in front of a huge plate of bacon. Just can’t help themselves.

Next year? They already plan to go bigger and we haven’t even launched the ones sitting in our basement yet. Also? Our neighbors will probably hate us. Although I know we won’t be the only ones since the entire state including the police department are confused about the new fireworks law. It clearly says only handheld and ground fireworks are now legal but yet it’s still a big mystery to people about what is and is not legal. Several police departments have flat out admitted they don’t know what the law is. Fantastic law enforcement people we have huh? Very impressive.

We also already had a major idiot strike only days after the fireworks law was passed, although it probably would have happened anyway but people are always looking for something to blame. A man from out of state was staying in a local hotel and decided it would be a good idea to set off fireworks in his hotel room including roman candles. The entire hotel was evacuated and his room was completely scorched. Serious dumbass.

You know, I probably shouldn’t tell hubby and my brother that I compared them to dogs and crack addicts. Might not find it quite as funny as I do.

Update on my disaster of a kitchen and our battle with Lowe’s.

I sort of have my kitchen back. More specifically I have a dishwasher that is where it belongs and works. What a concept huh? The plumber was able to do what he was hired to do and after running new water lines and capping off old ones he was able to install the new dishwasher to set us free from washing everything in the sink. All for the same amount we spent on the dishwasher itself. Oh joy.

The microwave still isn’t in yet since we could barely even access part of our kitchen with the mess that was going on and the plumbing issues were more important. Hopefully that will happen pretty soon too since it’s annoying not having it. I never realized how much we rely on our microwave until it’s been just sitting in my dining room in a box. Plus staring at a hole above the stove isn’t exactly appealing. Speaking of the stove, that thing is awesome! Look at my new best friend!







The two ovens make cooking multiple things at different temperatures a breeze. Plus having a flat cook top is now my favorite thing in the world. Our old stove still had those coils that were no longer level so things would gather to one side of the pan and cooking evenly was a serious trick. Now there’s no more pan rocking and everything is even and cooks faster. I’m in love.

As for our battle with Lowe’s, we can officially declare it over. We didn’t hear from a senior manager until after we put in a complaint with the district office. Only three hours later we received two phone calls from a store manager who suddenly seemed very eager to speak with us. He claimed that our report had been marked resolved which was why we never heard from him. He also claimed that there were no notes about a manager we spoke with on the first day who was extremely rude so he had no idea that conversation even happened. Whatever, we would have never heard from him if he hadn’t received a call from his district manager.

Anyway, to try to resolve the situation and leave us with good feelings about their store, they’re sending us a $200 gift card. It’s appreciated and obviously we’ll return to the store and use it, but I can’t guarantee we’ll always turn to Lowe’s for our household purchases in the future. Before this, we automatically went to Lowe’s for everything from seed and stone to appliances and painting items. Now, because of everything that happened and the fact that the store dragged it out for literally a week we probably won’t be as loyal to their company. That might change over time but as of right now that’s how we feel.

We still have two holes in our basement ceiling from where we had to cut to access the leaking water line.







Aren’t they pretty? I literally groan each time I go downstairs for something and have to see them. It’s never fun seeing holes where they don’t belong. I hate them. But they’ll be fixed soon too. Our washing machine is also good to go. The recall fix literally took the GE guy less than 2 minutes. All he had to do was put a cover over the wire so that if it ever broke it wouldn’t come in contact with the metal tub. It’s running as we speak as I attempt to catch up on laundry. I’ll be climbing laundry mountain for the next couple days. If I’m not back in a few days call in the search party.

PS: The things you guys say in the comments just makes me love you all! Saying you'll boycott a store on my behalf or that I should have been able to punch someone in the nuts are the kind of thing that make this blog soooooo worth it! You're awesome.

Shit hit the fan. Then the fan exploded.

Have you ever had just one of those weeks? Of course you have. We’re having one of them. Only it’s lasting longer than a week. And it just keeps on growing. Something that should have been simple and pretty straight forward turned into the biggest cluster fuck that still hasn’t been straightened out. And honestly? I have no idea when it will be. It SHOULD be Tuesday but who really knows. It was supposed to be fine for last Wednesday. Then Thursday. Then Friday would be the magic day. And you get the picture.

First, we decided to buy new appliances. Goodbye old slowly dying white things and hello beautiful stainless steel! I was thrilled especially since we were buying them all at once so I wouldn’t have to stare at mismatched ones for a while. So we went to the store found what we wanted and sort of fell in love with a stove. It has TWO ovens people! Awesome! We ordered the microwave, dishwasher and stove. We planned to order the fridge the following week since we had to remove a cabinet that would be in the way. We placed the order for delivery and installation and went home ready to have an updated kitchen. This is pretty much where the fun ended. Now we enter into a world of stress.

A couple days later the truck showed up with my pretty new toys waiting inside. The delivery men had a surprise for me though. They weren’t going to install anything, just deliver. That’s right; they were just ‘dropping off’ our new appliances. So they put the stove in its spot and left the new microwave and dishwasher sitting in the middle of my kitchen still in the original boxes. Why? Because the sales person we bought from didn’t put in for installation. Even though we told him that was what we wanted and expected. Fucking hell!

We called Lowe’s (where we bought the appliances) and the salesperson claimed we told him we wanted to install them ourselves. HELL NO! Hubby doesn’t do plumbing. It’s not his thing. He is amazing with a lot things but plumbing is not one he even wants to do. Ever. We never had even remotely close to a conversation with this guy where we said we would do anything ourselves. Actually, we told him flat out that we wanted them installed and the old ones hauled away. The guy apparently only half listened. Then he decided to blame us for the whole thing. Asshole.

So what did they say when we said they needed to send someone out for installation? Said the earliest they could do was the following Monday. It was Wednesday! The big problem with that was we had no hot water since the old dishwasher was unhooked. I know that sounds weird but whoever originally hooked up a dishwasher in this house the first time, did it wrong. Big surprise. The hot water line was hooked up separately from the lines under the sink and the only turn off valve to that line had been dry walled over in the basement ceiling. So the only way to turn off that pipe was directly at the hot water heater. Which meant Lowe’s expected us to have no hot water for literally almost a week. So NOT happening.

So we had a plumber come out Friday to install the dishwasher even though it would cost more just so we could have a functioning kitchen and house. Except that didn’t happen. Turns out the hot water line to the dishwasher isn’t only wrong but was leaking. Awesome huh? It was beyond repair and needed to be replaced. Instead we’re having them re-run the line through the cabinets to connect under the sink where they should have been to begin with so it won’t be hidden behind dry wall anymore. Best of all though? In order to have hot water back in the house we had to cut a hole in the dry wall in the basement ceiling to get to the turn off valve for the leaking pipe. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Because of the size of the job the plumber couldn’t do the rerunning of the pipes that day since it was already late afternoon. So the earliest they can come back is Tuesday morning. So we have had hot water all weekend but no dishwasher. It’s still sitting in the kitchen taking up way too much space and getting in the way. Plus there is a huge empty space under the counter where it should be and a hole in the ceiling downstairs. Basically? My house is a fucking mess.

As if that wasn’t enough, something else popped up on Saturday. Turns out our front load washing machine is involved in a recall. What the fuck?! It’s a fire hazard. Apparently some wire inside can break and when it touches the metal tub can cause shocks and catch on fire. It’s happened to 7 different people already. So now we can’t use the washing machine until Tuesday afternoon when GE comes out to repair it. Literally one thing after another.

Lowe’s is being total assholes about the whole thing too. We’ve been told by two different people that we would be hearing from a senior store manager about the problems we had with the sales person and delivery. We were told we would hear from them within 24 hours. That was on Wednesday and we haven’t heard anything. They’re not even trying to right the situation. So when we went out to buy our new fridge, we didn’t go back to Lowe’s. Instead we went to Sears and they even price matched what Lowe’s was offering. We pushed back the delivery date so we could get this mess situated and then remove the cabinet that would be in the way of the new fridge.

It’s safe to say we’ve been pretty stressed. I haven’t even wanted to be in my own house all weekend just so I wouldn’t have to look at the disaster zone that is my kitchen. I know that’s avoidance but hey, whatever works.

Oh and we almost got in an accident last night on our way home from dinner. Some ass in a huge SUV decided he wanted to be in the exact spot of our lane that we were already in. I looked up and there it was within inches of my door. Thankfully my Hubby was able to get us out of it but barely. Scared me so much I actually screamed.

Sigh.

Dear Universe, we could really use a break this week. Thanks.

Scientists are just horny bastards. Or maybe that was just me.

Remember in science class when there were always one or two immature boys in the back laughing about something dirty that they warped from something simple? They were the same kids that looked up the word sex in the dictionary in third grade. Yeah, I just became one of them, at least for the short moment in the car the other day with the hubby. This isn’t exactly what I dreamed I would be those years ago sitting in class while the teacher talked about something literally no one gave a shit about. Oh well.

We were on our way to a mall (yay shopping!) on a nice but partly cloudy day. I suddenly sound like a weather forecast but you get the picture. Anyway, I looked up and made a passing statement that I could no longer remember the names of the clouds that we were all forced to learn back in school that once again no one really cared about it. I don’t even remember what grade we had to learn them in and clearly they didn’t stick well so really, what did we accomplish? My hubby on the other hand did remember a couple of them and stated that he thought the one in front of us was called a “nimbus cloud.” I paused for a few minutes then the following conversation happened.


Me: “Hmm.”

Hubby: “What? Is that the wrong name?”

Me: “I don’t know. It kind of sounds like a sex toy though.”

Hubby: Laughs. “Wow.”

Me: “What? It does. You could totally name a vibrator or a dildo nimbus”

Hubby: Continues laughing. “You just turned a cloud into a sex toy. That’s not normal.” Pauses. “I think cumulus would be a better name. Stratus would work too.”

Me: Laughs. “Cloud names are perfect for sex toys!”

Hubby: “I never knew clouds were so dirty.”

Me: “It’s the scientists. They’re all just horny bastards.”


Welcome to our life. He had to point out how not normal I was for even having that train of thought but then he jumped right in. Then he told me I should blog about it. People tell us we were made for each other mostly because of conversations like this. I’m not really sure what that says about us, but oh well.

Also, I don’t really know if scientists are all horny bastards but I did have a dirty science teacher in high school that would look down all the girl’s shirts. So really the same thing.

Me vs. Our New Printer (a.k.a. me screwing up technology).

Despite being a house that’s always buying new electronic thingies and keeping up with the new and improved equipment, we for some reason never bothered to do so with our printer. It’s not like it was just a little old but still chugging along. No, it actually screwed with my head. You know how you’re supposed to be able to put a stack of paper in the tray and the machine feeds itself whenever you tell it to print? Yeah, well that was a luxury our old printer took away. Instead, we would have to hand feed it one sheet at a time in order for anything to be accomplished. You also had to do it just right or it would ignore the paper completely and claim it was all out. Then at random times it would just flash all its lights and basically throw a temper tantrum in the middle of doing a print job and then be like oh, well I have to start all over again. It was basically the diva of the printing world.

Sadly we put up with this for quite a while. I have no idea why. I think we’re just insane because we’ve been holding onto it for at least 6-8 months with it acting this way. Don’t even ask me why because I have no answer. It’s not like we’re attached to it. Actually, I pretty much would tell anyone that would listen just how much I hate the damn thing. I would talk about throwing it out the window and seeing if it can bounce or smashing it with a sledge hammer each time I needed to print something. We would talk about buying a new one and then I guess suffer amnesia and forget about it until the next time we had to print something in a hurry. My only excuse is we don’t really need to print things all that often.

Its stay here has come to an end though. Finally. Last night we were trying to print 10 pages worth of things which is equal to slamming your own head into a wall with that hell of a printer. After getting 7 pages done feeding it one by one and making sure everything printed in the grayscale since it was out of color ink, it had a tantrum. Then after throwing a fit for a couple minutes and ignoring all commands an innocent looking little box popped up saying the job must now restart. Fucking hell! I was so not doing it all again and the hubby took one look at my face which must have resembled either homicidal thoughts or mental breakdown because he announced we were going to the store to buy a new printer. Yippee! Eat that you piece of shit HP printer!

We bought a new shiny Canon printer/scanner/copier machine that is completely wireless. We can put it anywhere and print from anywhere all while sitting on our asses and letting the machine do all the work. It can hold a crap load of paper and keep it out of sight at all times but best of all it can feed itself. That’s pretty much all I cared about so it wasn’t going to take much to impress me. Apparently it has a lot of other features I haven’t bothered to learn about yet because I’m just enjoying the fact that I can print from the couch and it does its job without me having to coax it into working. Such a wonderful thing.

At least it was for the whole 5 minutes it lasted. Now I keep getting a message that says the “printer is not responding”. You have got to be shitting me. Now I have a printer that’s giving me the silent treatment?! Fucking hell. I have no idea what happened. We printed things last night and it went beautifully. I made sure to ask the hubby what I had to do to print things in the future. I did what he said. And it’s not working. I have no idea why and I didn’t do anything. I just hit print like I’m supposed to and the printer is on and says ‘ready’. Just nothing happens. It’s like this one is taking the old ones side. I’m just never meant to print anything apparently.

So I have to wait until the technology whisperer (a.k.a. my hubby) gets home from work and fixes the issues in point 3 seconds. Because that’s how it always goes. Something won’t work for me and I can’t figure out the problem. He just looks at it and it works again. It’s the story of my life.

On a related note, our TV isn’t working. Well, not the TV itself but the Verizon box/DVR thing. It’s just refusing to work. It can turn on and off and I’m getting sound of the channel it’s stuck on but the screen is frozen. I can’t change the channel or get anything to pop up on the screen. It basically ignores me unless I use the power button. It’s been that way since the first time I turned it on today even though it was fine last night.

I just can’t win. Technology and I were not meant to be. I kill all things electronic and it’s all completely accidental. Actually, I never even do anything to them it just happens. Sometimes with me just being in the same room. It’s why I wrote a post called “I think I was born in the wrong century or possibly I’m possessed.” It’s basically this post, only different electronics are involved.

Lets hope I didn’t kill the new printer. Especially since we’ve had it for less than 24 hours.

PS: Turns out our DVR has a bad hard drive that can cause freezing, according to the dude on the phone. So they're overnighting a new one and we have to ship the old one back to them. At least it's fast. It's functioning right now, they were able to reset it but it will only keep happening so it must be replaced.

As for the printer, it's completely fine and we have no clue why it refused to work earlier. It worked fine when my Hubby came home and tried. I don't know why it ignored me though. Who knows.

Why can’t Mother’s Day be on like a Tuesday instead?

Who decided Mother’s Day should always be on a Sunday? Is there a certain person that decided that for everyone or was it one of those things that just happened? It’s a little inconvenient. It’s a great concept, don’t get me wrong. A day to celebrate the Mom’s of the world, particularly the one(s) in your life. And they deserve it. But why is it on a day when everything is closed, especially florists? Buying flowers is like a massive scavenger hunt around here if you actually want to buy them in person. Of course you can always order online, pay extra fees and have them delivered in a box by some random person. Because who doesn’t enjoy being charged more for the same thing just because they can?

Last year we didn’t really plan ahead which is really unlike me and as a result we almost didn’t get my Mom flowers. Everyone was closed and the ones that weren’t had nothing. We actually found one at the last minute and I had to settle for something I probably wouldn’t have picked if I had a full selection. She loved them of course and they were beautiful. But I wasn’t satisfied. This year will be different! We found a florist that is not only open on Sunday but offered pre-order online to guarantee you would have exactly what you wanted. Perfect! Why don’t more places do that? Seriously?

I guess I just find it surprising that there aren’t more options to buy flowers on Mother’s day somewhere local. Instead you feel almost trapped into using an online service. Have you visited an online flower delivery site lately? I landed on www.Teleflora.com earlier this week and was surprised at how quickly the price shot up. I’ll even show you what happened.

I browsed through the site for a bit and decided that I really liked an arrangement they call “Teleflora’s Sunny Smiles”. I thought my Mom would really like it and clicked the picture which brought up their ‘quick view’ screen. It offered two price options, a standard and a deluxe. The standard was listed at $29.95 and the deluxe at $39.95. All I had to do was provide the delivery zip code and it would be added to my cart. Below is a screen shot of the prices and the one I selected.







I picked the standard for the advertised price and typed in my Mom’s zip code. I clicked continue and was brought to my shopping cart. To my surprise the price had changed. Not only did it increase but without much explanation. I assumed at first it was based on where it’s delivered and for some reason we live in a higher fee area. Then I looked down and found yet another surprise. The picture below is a screen shot of my cart.







What was the first thing you noticed? How about the $14.99 ‘service charge’? Whatever the hell that is. I noticed they took off the $10.00 as part of the sale which brought the arrangement back to the stated $29.95 but they were then tacking on an additional $15. Just like that my order was up to $45.00. How wonderful. They weren’t done yet though. On the next page came the shipping.







It would be an additional $14.99 minimum for shipping unless I wanted it to arrive on the Friday or Saturday (which I would). Then it was $17.99 and $18.99 respectively. Fan-freaking-tastic. In a blink of an eye my $29.95 flowers magically became $63.93. The price literally doubled right before my eyes and I wasn’t getting anything extra. Is this beyond excessive to anyone else besides me? I love my Mom more than I can even say but I think she would want to smack me upside the head for paying that. That is if I didn’t do it first.

In the end I ordered a comparable and equally beautiful arrangement with vase included through someone local for $35.00. I was able to place the order online and choose in-store pickup for Sunday, at the time of my choosing. I will be able to view/inspect the arrangement before paying. Best of all, I will have the joy of seeing my Mom’s face when I hand the flowers to her.

Money can’t buy that kind of moment.

I want to wish a very happy Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s out there! You’re all amazing! I hope you have a beautiful day with the people that you love, especially your children no matter their age.

“A Mother holds her children’s hands for a short while, but will be held in their hearts forever.” – Unknown.

A man fell in love with a dolphin. No, really.

Why do so many of the weirdest stories I write about come out of Florida? It’s not a thing against the state, I happen to love all the time I’ve spent there and it’s still one of my favorite places to visit. I just would love to know why so much weird ass shit happens there. Maybe they just happen to report a lot of it and other states keep it hidden like a dirty little secret. Either way, here we go again.

I’ve managed to find yet another story about a man getting way too intimate with animals. If you don’t remember the other one then go to the post about the man molesting the cows. Caught up? Ok, good. Or not, depending on how you want to look at this. I don’t know how I find them and I most definitely don’t go looking for it, they just seem to find me. I wish I could blame someone else and say it was sent to me but I just manage to stumble upon it in my readings on the internet. Which is obviously a very scary place.

My wanderings this time brought me to a story about a man, who fell in love with a dolphin. I don’t mean he saw it and said, “oh look how cute, I love dolphins!” No. He met one at an amusement park and fell in love as in a relationship kind of love. And then he wrote a book about it. Has your brain exploded yet?

Malcolm Brenner from Sarasota apparently had (what he considers) a love at first sight kind of moment with this poor dolphin and had repeated visits with her. He even goes into detail about a particular moment with the animal which he explains in the following lines. These are quotes directly from an interview he did with the New York Times.

“She would take my leg very lightly in her jaws and run her teeth up and down my leg. It’s an incredible sensation. I don’t know if other people would find it erotic, but I certainly did.”

Fucking hell?! He got turned on. By a dolphin. Wow. Plenty of people go swimming with these adorable creatures and I’m pretty damn sure they don’t get a stiffy while doing it. He even goes are far as referring to the whole thing as an ‘affair’ as if the dolphin was a human. He claims she gave him seductive stares and made points to touch his crotch. The whole thing is just sick. The guy clearly needs some serious help. Especially considering he believes he had telepathic conversations with her. Padded room anyone?

This apparently all happened in the 1970s and it’s taken him this long to write his book. Why? I have no idea, and I don’t really care. He titled it, “Wet Goddess: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover” which he calls a ‘semi-autobiographical novel’. Ugh. He also says that the book isn’t meant to promote bestiality but to help people realize that “dolphins are smart, have real emotions and are capable of relationships.” Basically it’s supposed to be a vehicle to help save the dolphins and their environments. Except with sex scenes thrown in.

He did succeed in one thing though. He’s made me want to protect dolphins and other animals - from him!

Crosswalks are made for walking.

While out doing errands today I was sitting in the car waiting and happened to be right in front of two crosswalks. They were a good distance apart (don’t ask me how much because I’m horrible at guessing that) with cones lined up in the middle with the ‘must stop for pedestrians’ signs. They’re located right in front of a main entrance/exit to the store that gets quite a bit of traffic. The road connects the open parking lot with the parking garage so it too gets a lot of traffic going both ways. Obviously the crosswalks are there for a reason. So you can walk across safely without the cars crashing into you. Pretty simple right? Apparently not.

I was sitting in the car for probably 15 minutes or so and saw countless people come in and out of the store. I would say less than half of the people actually used the crosswalks. Instead, they would walk around them on the outside, or my personal favorite, walk BETWEEN the two crosswalks dodging around the cones/signs as if it were the signs that were out of place. I mean really? Can they not see the huge white lines painted on the ground with the words “crosswalk” painted inside? Obviously they can, but must feel that they are too good to walk where they’re supposed to. It’s even more insane when you watch them get frustrated at the drivers, who I always want to point out are doing exactly what they should be doing.

I know everyone is in a hurry to go nowhere, but why must we be assholes as we do it? People really do walk around as if they’re in their own little world and everyone else is just in their way. I saw people react to the giant orange cones with disgust when they had to sidestep them on their trip in between the two crosswalks. I then watched other people cross well down the street from the crosswalks and get angry that cars were driving in their way. Am I only one left in the world that actually walks where the crosswalks are? I mean if they were of no help they wouldn’t exist. Maybe that’s a very basic way to look at it but I think it makes sense. Drivers have to stop at the crosswalk to allow you to pass, so why would you cross somewhere else where they can just drive right by? I don’t get it.

For some reason while sitting in the car the song ‘Boots are made for walking’ popped in my head. I don’t even like that song but it came to my mind when I thought of the title. Then I changed it. I came up with a new version that I think should be posted on all the crosswalk signs and played over loudspeakers surrounding them.

“Crosswalks are made for walking, that’s just what you do,
One of these days these cars are gonna drive right over you.”

It’s sort of catchy. Guess my hubby isn’t the only one that makes up new lyrics. Except mine have nothing to do with a penis or someone’s unfortunate sex life.

Some products should never be made, ever.

Quick, what’s your favorite smell? Is it a flower? Something baking? Or maybe even the smell of a brand new car? Whatever it is, have you ever wished you could bottle it and be able to enjoy the scent whenever the urge struck you? Well, apparently someone who seriously had way too much time on their hands had a similar wish. Except their favorite smell wasn’t so innocent. Instead of something everyone would enjoy like cookies baking or the way a freshly bathed baby smells, they went a whole different route. A weird one. One that never should have happened.



I give you Vulva original-Vaginal Scent. I sort of feel the need to apologize for this right here but hey, you know how crazy this blog can get. At first I thought this was perfume made for the vagina which had me really confused since the idea of spraying alcohol based products on my vagina sounds painful and really pointless. But then I started to read the product description and went from really confused to a whole new level of “what the fuck?!” It’s not perfume at all. It’s not even made for the vagina. It’s actually a liquid that’s made to smell exactly like an aroused woman. Yes, you read that right. Someone went out and made a product that is meant to mimic the scent of a vagina. I don’t get it either.

According to the site they went through “years of extensive research and testing,” before making the final product for all to enjoy. They even gave the bottle a roll-on top which really just makes it that much more weird. The description goes on to say that after applying it to the back of your hand (yeah I’m sure that’s the only place people put it – eye roll) to sit back and enjoy. Are people really this desperate? Is there really a market for this kind of thing? Actually, I don’t really want to know the answer to this question since I’m probably better off not knowing. I also would have been better off not knowing about this product but since I now know, so do you.

You’re welcome.

I'm still alive and I'm coming back!

I abandoned you. I disappeared without notice for over 3 months. You could hate me and refuse to read anything I post and be perfectly reasonable. Except I hope that you’ll come back anyway. Because I love you. I love each and every person that spends some of their precious time reading my randomness. I’ve missed the writing and I’ve missed you, the readers. Even if you haven’t missed me too, I hope you return anyway. Please take me back?

I wish I could say I was off saving the world as my excuse for being missing in action. Like helping orphans or maybe rescuing animals! Instead, my only reason is we were super busy. Not much of an explanation is it? Life just showed up and took us for a speed ride and we were left playing catch up. Like playing cleanup crew at my Mom’s after the massive Rhode Island flood and then getting our house ready for a couple family members moving in since the flooding made their previous home unlivable. Sadly this wonderful blog was tossed in the back of the closet like an old sweater and is only now being pulled back out for fresh start. I’ve missed it.

So now that life has returned to some form of normal I’m back and ready to go! So many moments have come along that had me saying, “I could blog about that!” Clearly I never really got out of the habit of thinking about what to write even though I wasn’t here to do it. This time around will more or less be the same except for one thing. I’ve decided to leave the ‘Moronic Monday’ segments in hiding for a while. I want to bring my blog back to how it started with just pure random posts whenever they strike, instead of a schedule. Maybe I’ll bring it back later once I get going again, but for now lets just say it’s on vacation. I can let you guys be the real decider on that one!

I hope you forgive me for my absence and decide to return as my wonderful readers! I’ve still been reading all my favorite blogs but haven’t been commenting all that much. I’ll pick up on that more too, I promise!

It feels good to be back! I’m sure we’ll continue to have fun just as we did before.

-LB

Moronic Monday – Riot shields are meant for riots, not sledding down a hill, you Bobbies!

*You should really read this post with a British accent. Probably just in your head though, since most people really suck at mimicking it. Or at least I do. Plus the people around you might think you lost your mind like Britney Spears did and will now just randomly talk with a British accent.*

I cherish my memories of going sledding with friends. All bundled up and excited for the thrill of flying down a huge hill, on our riot shields. Ah, memories. That’s what some British Bobbies (police for those who didn’t know – like me until 5 minutes ago) can now say when telling stories of their days on the force. It’s what they decided to do during the country’s most recent cold snap when they happened to come across a large hill they apparently couldn’t resist.

Since the police aren’t generally issued snow sleds as part of their uniform and equipment they had a problem. Their inner children wanted to sled instead of work but all they had were their asses. That is, until someone remembered their riot shields which they apparently have on them at all times. It’s sled-like right? Sure! Why not? That thought process led to the following video, because moments like these are always better when they’re recorded.



Don’t you just love their teamwork? They have each others back, at least until their buddy hits a bump and slides into a ditch. Then came the laughter and “cya later!” Poor Bobbie.

The video wasn’t actually recorded by any of the Bobbies, but by another guy there to play too. He claimed he was there to go down the hill in his kayak which just makes me wonder if British people have any actual sleds at all. Is there a sled shortage or something that I’m unaware of? The man also said he was afraid the police would scold him for using his kayak on the hill, so I assume he took this video as blackmail. Or possibly to prove he’s not he only one that is sledding challenged.

Although the Bobbies didn’t seem to mind the man taking a video of their play time, I’m sure they’re regretting it now as it makes its way around Youtube. Although many people have found it to be funny or a well deserved break, their superintendent doesn’t share the same view. He released a statement saying, “tobogganing on duty, on police equipment and at taxpayers’ expense is a very bad idea.” The police have been reprimanded and I’m sure there is now a segment in their training classes on how not to use your riot shield.

Maybe there should also be a course for everyone else on how not to use your kayak. And also to buy a real sled. Or toboggan, whatever you want to call it.

Twister should stick to being a game and not a condom.

The other day my hubby and I stopped at the grocery store to pick up milk on our way home from shopping. On our way out I stopped to look at the hand soap display. Not because we really needed soap but it was one of those ‘oh shiny’ moments and I got distracted. While waiting for me, my hubby stood a few steps down the aisle and happened to land in front of the condom display. I have no idea why the hand soap and condoms are so close together or why right next to it is a body soap display with the label “incontinence”. It’s a weird store, clearly.

Anyway, all the sudden he randomly said “twister.” I could see he was in front of the condom shelves so hearing that word mixed with condoms sounded like a very dangerous combination. Naturally, I asked what the hell he was talking about and he proceeded to point out a box of Trojan magnum condoms with the word twister on the front in bright green text. The description said it had “deep ridges” around the condom in a spiral for “both partners pleasure.” What the hell?! Who in the world would want that word associated with anything involving our most tender areas? The second I hear the word twister I instantly think of a tornado and a nipple twister. I’m not really sure why it’s those two things together but that’s apparently how my train of thought can go.

So I would like to know who the genius was that came up with that naming campaign. Because, he (and yes it has to be a man) deserves a nipple twister. During a tornado. There are so many other things that would be more appealing than twister. Like the other varieties named ridges or ecstasy. Actually, they should have named it ripples. That’s much less menacing. I don’t care how good the box says it will be nothing is coming near my lady regions named twister, thankyouverymuch!

My hubby was far less impressed (horrified) and just walked away while I stared at this box like it was an alien. A woman walking down the aisle with her child gave me a look like I was some kind of sex fiend but whatever.

Maybe she needed some incontinence soap which would mean she had far bigger problems.

Moronic Monday – Pull your pants up and step away from the cow!

This should probably be titled horrifying Monday or sickening Monday but it doesn’t fit the pattern. So, here we are anyway.

If you do some type of sexual act with an animal, is it rape? Apparently in New Jersey it’s not for the simple fact that you can’t ask the animal how it feels about it. A former police officer was arrested after police found a tape of him allowing cows to lick his penis and balls while he videotaped the scene. There aren’t even words to describe my initial reaction to that. I’m just at a loss really.





Robert Melia Jr. was brought before a judge and grand jury to face charges of animal cruelty with the horrifying video as evidence. But the charges were dropped. Why? Because the judge concluded that the prosecutor failed to prove to the jury that the cows were tormented by the acts of the defendant. WHAT THE FUCK?! The judge went on to say that it remained unclear after testimony if the cows were tormented or simply puzzled. Holy hell. Basically, because you can’t ask a cow how it felt after licking this man’s penis it automatically made it not cruelty against animals. Where did this judge get his credentials? Honestly. So when a dog is beaten by its owner it’s not cruelty because the dog can’t turn around and say it was hurt? It’s probably the most backwards ass reasoning of something that I’ve ever heard. That was a shitty judge.

Overall, since all the cows could do was moo, it apparently meant they consented to the whole thing. I think my brain might have just exploded. Also the author of the article I read about this actually called it a “moonlight tryst” and a “one night stand” which is frightening all on its own.

So the man gets away with the cow molestation but hopefully the court will nail him and his girlfriend for molesting three little girls, which was the entire reason they found the cow porn tape to begin with.

What is wrong with people?!

This is really a two for one week since the whole MM concept applies to both the cow molester and the inept judge. What more can you ask for, really?

My week has been awesome. If awesome actually meant craptastic.

My computer is still dying, or at least it's not thrilled about being saved. My hubby will think he beat the virus and all will be fine for a few minutes and then the big 'ha ha sucker' moment comes and it's still not better. He's determined though, so I have to give him that. In the meantime I still can't use it because logging into accounts with my passwords on a computer with a badass virus is just stupid. So I'm still on my hubby's Mac which he hasn't been able to touch since mine crashed because I just can't be without a computer. It's a rule.

Then early this week my standing abilities decided to just abandon me as I managed to fall in my own house doing something that should have been simple. How I managed to fall and injure myself while hanging clothes in a closet is really anyone's guess. It's pathetic really. I walked away with a battle scar in the form of a fast forming bruise on my right leg that is now HUGE. It's currently dark green and lime green with purple blueish spots speckled in. Basically, my leg is an angry rainbow and I look like I lost some seriously weird fight. That I fought with the outside of my thigh. The best part is you can even see the shape of an edge I hit when I fell. It's my first imprint bruise and I can't really say I'm proud. But as my grandmother pointed out, I should be glad I didn't hit my head on something. Instead I can't sit, walk, sleep or basically move in any way without the bruise bitching about it.

On a better note, some of our 2010 plans are on the path to becoming reality. I still can't share exactly what they are yet but once I can I will spill all the details. One thing in particular took a huge step forward this week thanks to Hubby and hopefully soon it will be a full on reality. Positive thoughts!

I will be taking on the closet in another battle this weekend when we paint the inside and install new shelves and rods. Perhaps I should get some sports gear in preparation. Except I would probably hurt myself putting it on. Hell, if I can't handle a closet in normal clothing what chance do I have in a few pounds of padding? Maybe I should just get a bubble.

Apparently my 'little miss graceful' days are coming back to haunt me.

Moronic Monday - My computer is trying to kill itself!

As I write this, my hubby is desperately trying to revive my computer, which has decided it no longer wants to live. The end of last week it started acting kind of funny but the full on crash came Saturday afternoon. Out of the blue my screen went green with a black box in the center warning that it was infected. Then everything went to hell in a hand basket.

Since then I haven't been able to use it at all. It's been in my hubby's hands with scans and programs running to save it while I use his Mac that I hate. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with his computer, I just like mine. I know where I have things saved and like my system. Basically I'm like an old person that doesn't like straying from my norm.

I've been telling my hubby that my computer is my crack. Although I've never had any real type of addiction and never tried drugs, this is what I imagine a crack addiction would be like without the high and legal problems. I absolutely HATE my computer (because it hates me and pulls this kind of crap) but I can't live without it. The second I can't have it at my finger tips or it won't work properly I get all aggravated and feel a little lost. As sad as that is. That's essentially the definition of an addiction, I can't live without it but I can't stand it either. Ugh.

So because my computer is having surgery the real Moronic Monday is on hold. I can't really access my usual stuff to write it so here I am on my hubby's laptop. Let's all hope he can save it without me losing any of my stuff. I have too much music, too many pictures and far too many documents saved to lose everything without backups. I've had to do it before and do not want to be there again.

Fingers crossed people!

A new year, a new decade and new plans!

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you were able to ring in the new year in a positive way no matter how you celebrated. For us, it was a simple night in which seems to be a recurring theme. We’re not drinkers or partiers so those type of scenes aren’t fun. A couple years we’ve gone out to a show or event but we also enjoy just cuddling at home. We ate pizza, popped in some movies and watched the ball drop at midnight. Simple? Yes. But it worked for us.

I’m still a little amazed we celebrated entering 2010 since it feels like we just did this for 2009 like 3 months ago. I’m really not sure where the whole year went! I think we spent so many months (8 in total) hunting and waiting for our house that it sort of swallowed up 2009. We were basically in limbo for most of it. Our life went on hold in the beginning of February and started moving again the first week of October. But now that we’re settled in our house we can enter the new year ready to start fresh!

As for our new plans, we seem to have plenty! We never call them New Year resolutions but the concept is basically the same. Quite a few have to do with the house as I’m sure no one is surprised about. There’s always something to do, fix, or change with a house so that list has been growing since we moved in. One I’m looking forward to is new windows! The ones we have now are well past their prime and are so drafty. Many we could never leave open as they would fall out of the tracks due to some of the clips being broken. It will be so nice to have efficient, functional and nice looking windows. I cannot wait! Another is a new dishwasher since our current one has decided it’s a good idea to leak each time it runs, which is just so much fun.

Besides the house, we have plans to add a dog to our little family! I’m not sure exactly when this will happen but I’ll share pictures and info when it does. Our plan is to adopt an adult dog from a local shelter or rescue. Although puppies are adorable and fun it’s great saving a dog and giving it life it might not otherwise had. A lot of the time they almost seem to know they were saved. Some people call that foolish but many who rescued a dog in some way would agree. I’m looking forward to having a little fur-baby sometime soon since we were unable to due to the no pet policy at our apartment.

We also have a couple other plans that I can’t share yet but I will once they come through. Hopefully it will be very soon sometime in the next few months!

I’ll be back on my normal routine next Monday now that the holidays are over and things will be getting back to normal. I hope everyone had a great holiday season with whatever you celebrate. Ours were great minus the blizzard we had before Christmas that dumped 15 inches of snow. That was a mess and a half!

Thanks for finding and sticking with me much of 2009. It’s been lots of fun and hopefully will be even better this year! I love reading all of your comments and emails so keep them coming!

2010 here we come!