Men will wish they had a penis like the banana slug, but will quickly change their mind.

Men of the world, do you like your penis? Don’t actually answer that question because I really don’t want to know but you can think it to yourself if you wish. I would be willing to bet that at some point in your life you wished it was bigger because somewhere along the way you became convinced bigger is always better. If you think this, then you are wrong. See, I’m here to fix you and your wives/girlfriends will thank me. Assuming bigger is always better works for a bowl of ice cream or bouquet of roses but not for this particular part of your anatomy (most of the time anyway). After a certain point you might as well try to park a bus inside a one car garage which would just be horrible for everyone. Anyway, I would like you to meet the Banana slug.

Flirting.

This lowly little creature has a pretty shitty life in the grand scheme of things especially since its only 8 inches long. It also happens to have an 8 inch penis which it would probably be pretty happy about although I just foresee back problems but whatever. Before the men get too excited at this (pun, I know – moving on) I should probably tell you that it’s shaped like a corkscrew. They also happen to be hermaphrodites, so they’re male and female at the same time. Apparently they’re against masturbation, just like the bible, so they insist on trading sperm with another Banana slug, which also has a penis. In a nut shell, they leave a smelly streak of slime to attract another slug. Then they eat the slime for a while (uh, ew) before they wrap around each other and trade sperm. After all that fun they then chew each others penis off. Are the men still here or are they on the floor in the fetal position crying?

Since they have a corkscrew of a penis it gets all tangled on the other Banana slug’s penis during their sperm trading party. That’s when they chew them off because they’re problem solvers. After that’s over they go off on their merry way laying eggs all over the place and then abandoning them. They’re horrible parents and even worse sexual partners, clearly. Once they’re done laying eggs they start to grow another penis. They basically look at it the way we do a haircut. They flaunt it, use it and then chop it off only to let it grow back in later except they don’t sit in a chair being pampered and sipping coffee, they instead let their mate rip it off their body. If this is how humans were, we would have died off a long time ago because every man I’ve ever met would rather die then let anyone come near their penis with something sharp. I can see the men cringing from here.

Some researchers also believe that if a Banana slug finds a mate that happens to be smaller then its own penis length, the smaller of the two will chew off some of the large penis until it fits. It would be like a human man having a penis as long as he is tall that would tower over his head and that’s seriously creepy. Then whatever woman he’s with chopping it down to size since he would never find a woman with a 6 foot deep vagina. It’s like an extreme circumcision done on an adult except they would feel everything and then be expected to perform right afterwards. Like I said, humans would have gone extinct.

Of course there’s always that one show off in the group trying to out do all the others. Scientists found a Banana slug that was 6 inches in body length but was sporting a 32.5 inch corkscrew penis. That’s over 5 times its own body length! Chewing that thing off must have taken forever.

So the lesson to all the men of the world is be happy the woman in your life accepted your penis for what it is because the alternative is her coming at you with a meat cleaver in the bedroom. To show your gratitude, go buy a huge bouquet of roses since bigger is always better. ;-)

PS. This is the kind of shit you get when I’m still awake at 6:30am and have access to a computer.