Road trips are just like insane asylums – they’re better when you’re drugged.

Why is it that whenever someone suggests a road trip it sounds like the best idea in the world and you can’t help be excited? Then once you get on the road you’re like, “why the HELL did I agree to this?” Does this happen to anyone else or is it really just me? I go through this every time a road trip comes up. It’s like I completely forget how bad they are even though I almost died during a road trip. I’ll get to that later though.

I haven’t gone on any since last September which was my least eventful one ever. The most that happened was the trip eventually led me to Washington D.C which meant having to ride the metro all over the place and I’m afraid of trains. Seriously. Smart idea for an anniversary trip huh? Anyway, my more eventful ones took place on the long distance trips but yet all the shit happened in the same two states. Have you ever driven on the New Jersey Turnpike? If you have, you’re probably nodding and thinking ‘oh, I know where this is going!’ Well, jump in for the story anyway because it’s why we’re all here.

Road Trip One:
This particular trip was my first real ‘road trip’ that traveled more then two states away, which in New England isn’t really all that far. No matter where you’re going, if you need to leave the New England area you must drive through New York and get on the New Jersey Turnpike for at least a little bit. You can’t avoid it. You just have to grip the armrest and hope to the high heavens that you make it out to the other end. Anything you see, hear and witness in between is just part of the trip and makes for an interesting story.

We tried to time going through New York to be during the low traffic hours and pretty much failed but at least we were moving most of the time. It wasn’t enough to blow past the crazies though. The first thing we ran into was a man I named “Crazy Phone Man”. We were on the highway and at that particular time in a stop and go situation. To our surprise, walking (yes, walking – on a highway) among the cars were three men. They were going up to car windows trying to sell cordless phones. We must have been lucky though because the particular crazy man that came up to our car thought to wrap the phone in cling wrap. Such a thoughtful guy, huh? He couldn’t brush his hair but he made sure the phone was safely swaddled in cling wrap. The best part, the phone wasn’t with its base. Yes, it was just the phone itself. If hitting the automatic door lock button repeatedly made the car any safer then we would have been a rolling Fort Knox.

To my Mom’s horror and my brother’s delight, we were later flashed by a big breasted woman on the New Jersey Turnpike. I don’t mean a quick peak and we were on our way. No. I mean she lifted her shirt and smashed her breasts up against her window for everyone in our car and lane to see. My brother literally asked if we could slow down so she could give a second show. If he had singles on him they probably would have been blowing out the window along with an excited “bravo!” She also decided to flash an 18 wheeler right after that and the guy slammed on his breaks. Luckily no one crashed but imagined that headline! “Blonde woman causes turnpike shutdown with nipples.” Her mother would be so proud.

Road Trip Two:
This trip took place a couple years after the one above. We made it through New York without much happening except seeing a man peeing on the side of the highway for all to see. Compared to everything else, that seemed mild. The smooth sailing ended once we were on the Turnpike (again). Traffic was steady but not bad. We were consistently going at highway speed which is honestly a miracle for the time a day we were traveling. Everything was going great and no one saw any boobs when suddenly a car cut right in front of us and nearly collided with another vehicle in the next lane. We had to slam on our breaks and turn to avoid colliding with the idiot and literally ended up at a complete stop – facing sideways.

This meant the 18 wheeler a few car lengths behind us had to slam on his breaks. Have you ever seen this happen? These beasts of a truck don’t exactly stop on command. It’s more like a few second delay especially at that speed. All in the matter of seconds (that felt like forever) we watched as this massive truck came bouncing down the lane towards us. The poor driver was trying so damn hard to stop his truck that it was literally shaking. Amazingly he stopped just inches from the passenger side of our car. I could have reached out and stroked the damn grill! No one ended up hitting anyone else and I really have no freaking idea how we didn’t all become a massive car pile up. As far as I know no boobs were involved in this mess but who really knows what that guy was in such a rush for?

You really need a damn vacation when you literally end up inches from your death.

WORST/BEST ROAD TRIP:
Ironically my best and worst road trip was one we took to New Jersey. We were going to the Six Flags Great Adventure and it was exactly that, an adventure. The trip was doomed from the start as the morning we got up to go, I threw up. I had no idea why and didn’t feel sick but blew chunks about an hour before we planned to leave. Since I still wanted to go and insisted I would be fine I ate some apple sauce (I don’t really know why though) and off we went. Everything was good until we hit Connecticut and I threw up again. This continued for a little while until I was pretty much vomited out and completely sworn off apple sauce for the near future. When we stopped for food I stayed in the car because food was the enemy at the time. By the time we reached the hotel though, I was completely fine and starving. It really made no sense.

The next day I was back to normal and we were off to the park. We rented those speedy pass things that let you blow by the people waiting for hours and hop right on your favorite ride. They’re awesome. We were having a blast until it was time to ride their Superman ride. I’m a roller coaster addict so I had no intention of skipping any of the rides and happily rode in the front row. It was my last ride of the day. For some reason the ride left my back screaming in pain and I was in tears. Even though I’m usually fine on rides that one really kicked my ass. I was in so much pain that I could barely stand walking and couldn’t even think about getting on another ride. Since our group split up I was stuck at the park for the day as no one brought cell phones. I spent the rest of the day slowly following my friends and brother around the park and sitting on benches in tears. When we finally caught up with my Mom I was near breaking point. We skipped the fireworks and headed right back to the hotel where everyone else was dropped off and my Mom and I took a trip to the local ER. I was in so much pain that my Mom was afraid I seriously injured my back.

After a few x-rays and exam in the ER it was determined that I didn’t do any serious damage but had basically pissed my muscles and spine the hell off. The doctor prescribed some drugs and told me that I was too thin to handle roller coasters. If I wasn’t in so much pain I probably would have thanked him for calling me thin and then told him he was crazy if he thought I was to never ride a roller coaster again. Once we got back to the hotel I was in love with that doctor. He prescribed Vicodin and muscle relaxers. Pain, what pain? I was passed out cold within 15 minutes of being in the room.

The next morning it was time to head back home and we all piled into the car. My Mom gave me my morning dose of magical drugs as we pulled away from the hotel. Ten minutes later I was out cold. I slept the entire 4 hours home! That, ladies and gentlemen was the best road trip I’ve ever been on. I fell asleep at the highway entrance in New Jersey and woke up in our driveway 4 hours later. It was beautiful. I missed the traffic, the road rage, the crazy ass people all over the place, the complaints, the bad music and the roadside bathrooms.

Moral of the story:

Don’t go on road trips and if you do, take some vicodin and muscle relaxers and it will be the best damn vacation you’ve ever had. You’re welcome. Send me a postcard from vicodin land when you get back!