A trip to the doctor’s office is like getting into a biohazard bucket!


I love this sign!

My husband had to see his doctor yesterday for a check-up because he’s conscious about his health because I made him and I went along for the visit. Not because it’s fun or anything but because we had things to do afterwards and it was just easier. I really should have thought it through more though. I seem to have a form of amnesia that made me forget how scary a doctor’s waiting room can be for a (minor) germaphobe! You would think I would remember this better but for some reason it didn’t pop into my mind until we walked through the door. I swear, in the few seconds it took him to check in at the desk I heard two high powered sneezes, three shallow coughs and one that sounded like it was coughing up both lungs. Every inch of my body cringed and my brain screamed, “RUN!” My husband, knowing me so well looked at me with pity and patted my knee. It was sweet and all but it would have been so much better if he whipped out a hazmat suit and an industrial size bottle of air sanitizer.

There were three people ahead of us so I knew I was going to be sitting there for a while. My brain started replaying the horrible information that a sneeze causes snot and saliva infested germs to fly through the air at 95 miles per hour and can travel up to 150 feet. I’m not good at measurements at all, but it was even within my grasp to realize there was no way to be in this room and 150 feet away from each person at the same time. I also happened to remember a terrifying little fact I recently learned that I wish I could unlearn. Apparently, in the average human sneeze there are about 40,000 droplets of mucus flying out of your nose/mouth. Even people who aren’t germaphobic have to find that utterly disgusting, right? I have the urge to wash just thinking about that. Yuck.

As we sat there I was trying to think about anything except disease, germs and soap but it wasn’t easy. I would find a way to get relaxed and hacker john would start up again. Before I knew it a new infected human walked in the office and instead of sitting in one of the many (and I mean many) open chairs she picked the one next to me. She had about 10 other choices but she must have like my shirt or something, I don’t know. She then decided to chat with me in between her sniffles and coughing. I don’t really consider that a good time to talk, maybe it’s good for moving into isolation but not to strike up a conversation. Nothing interesting was said as all my chit chat skills fled in fear the second we walked in the room.

Eventually the nurse called my husbands name and he stupidly asked me if I wanted to come or stay in the waiting area. There was no way I was staying out there in the infectious disease incubating party. I found out later he was trying to be funny but he seriously failed. Sometimes, he’s the only one who finds him funny. Jerk. When we were in the little room waiting for the doctor he joked about the woman that sat next to me. It wasn’t funny. This is how the conversation went.

Me: “I could have just caught the Ebola virus and you’re trying to be funny! I could die in 7 days all because of her cough!”

Husband: “Seven days? What is this, a scene from ‘The Ring’? And where the hell did you pull Ebola from? Of all the diseases you could pick.”

Me: “Whatever, smart ass. It’s a real disease and it kills people within days. I read a book about it in middle school and it was horrible!”

Husband: “I can’t believe you read about a deadly disease in middle school. How does it kill people so fast?”

Me: “It’s like the badass of the disease world. First, you get this headache that won’t go away then you start vomiting blood and hemorrhaging inside and out. Your insides become a freaking organ slushy and no one can cure you. Then you die!”

He stared at me with this shocked face. I think it was more because I knew about this disease then the actual things I told him.

Husband: “Damn. How the hell do you remember this from that long ago?”

Me: “Because it scared the shit out of me! I was all nervous for weeks every time I had a headache and it drove my Mom nuts. Every time I see or hear about a monkey the first thing I think about is Ebola.”

Husband: “What do monkeys have to do with it?”

Me: “The book was a scientist studying diseases and testing monkeys, and all the monkeys ended up with Ebola and it like killed a bunch of people. I don’t know. I don’t remember everything from it, just some stuff.”

The conversation pretty much ended there. He started looking through all the stuff in the room like a little kid and I disinfected my hands once or ten times. I need to buy more now. The doctor came in and gave him a clean bill of health and we were on our way. Hopefully I don’t come down with something in a week or so.

I really wish I could disinfect my entire body whenever I want. Like a bottle or can I can carry in my purse and just spray down whenever I end up in an incubation zone.

Is germaphobe not a real word? Spell check is telling me it’s wrong. It wants it to be “gramophone” instead and I have no clue what that is. How are you supposed to spell it anyway? Is it ‘germAphobe’ or ‘germOphobe’?

Spell check wants the second version to be “ergophobia”. I looked it up and it apparently means “an abnormal and persistent fear (or phobia) of work or functioning.” I know a few people who must have that phobia!


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