No one ever writes songs about nipples, it’s always about the penis.

Another one of my favorite blogs, Yellow Trash Diaries has inspired a post basically because she told people too and I obeyed like a good little minion. If you don’t read her blog you totally should because she’s awesome and hysterical! Anyway, she wrote a post about a line to a song her husband made up about a penis. It was hilarious and crazy at the same time mostly because it reminded me of my husband and his song about a penis. She literally ended her post telling everyone to write a post with the word ‘penis’ in the title to prove that it draws in male followers. Basically, she’s conducting a scientific experiment about men’s lack of ability to resist any talk of sex or a penis. It’s totally going to be published in a medical journal or hustler magazine. Either one. So here I am sharing my insane husband’s song about a penis. What has my life become?

The back story goes all the way back to his high school years. He had a good friend named John (it’s amazing what guys will do to their best friends) that had a very sexually frustrated life at the time. Basically, it was a timeless problem. He wanted sex and the girlfriend didn’t, at all. So he frequently whined talked about how bad he needed sex and that he thought he was developing ‘blue balls’. Men always think they need sex as if it was just as important as breathing. His friend’s thought it was pretty funny that he was so desperate which led to this story. One night, my husband, his friend John and two other guy friends were driving somewhere in a car. One of their favorite and popular songs at the time came on the radio and instead of singing the original lyrics, my now husband started singing lyrics he made up on the spot. I should probably point out that even though my husband was great friends with John, he hated the girlfriend.

The song that started to play on the radio was “All The Small Things” by Blink 182. I think we can all see where this is going. If you don’t then you should leave now. For those who aren’t familiar with the song or don’t remember here are the chunk of original lyrics that my husband made up his penis song too.

Original lyrics:

All the, small things
True care, truth brings
I'll take, one lift
Your ride, best trip

Always, I know
You'll be at my show
Watching, waiting
Commiserating

Say it ain't so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Carry me home

Na, na, na

Clearly not a penis song. That is until my husband came along. I literally can not hear this song without thinking of his made up song. He has completely ruined the song for me and he’s pretty proud of that. He loves that I’m writing this blog by the way.

Here’s the song so you can hear the beginning part matched up with his lyrics, if you want. It’s only the first 12 lines.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Here’s my husband’s penis/sex version of the song:

All the, small things
John's dick, it shrinks
She took, one look
He's stuck, no luck

Always, he knows
Try to make it grow
Watching, Waiting
Masturbating

Say it ain't so
It will not grow
Turn the lights off
Whack it until Dawn

So Kim, this is for you and your husband. I wonder what it says about us that our husband’s turn perfectly good songs into anthems to the penis. We need to come up with a song about nipples and vaginas now.

My husband loves this post. He thinks it’s the best one yet. I’m afraid to see what crazy searches will lead people to this blog.

Husband: “This is going to bring in all kinds of searches!”

Me: “I’m afraid to see what exactly those searches will be. All because of your penis song I’m going to be flooded with perverts looking for porn.”

Husband: “I know, you’re welcome!”

That’s right ladies. He’s all mine.