If only Mockingbirds could masturbate, then I could get some sleep.


A new little birdie has moved into a small wooded area behind my apartment, and it goes by the name Northern Mockingbird. I prefer to call it a royal pain in my ass! He moved in about a month ago and has spent every single night since then singing. He starts around 7pm-ish and goes consistently until around 4 in the morning. This bird just sits in the damn tree and calls out into the night, and my bedroom window. Once I found out the type of bird it is, I went looking for information and couldn’t believe what I learned. Everyone finds it completely hilarious at my expense. Family and friends have gotten a huge kick out of it and like to make fun of me and my horny bird friend any chance they get.

Here are some facts about the (aggravating, infuriating, sanity killing) Mockingbird:

  • The mockingbird has even been known to mimic the sounds of dogs and sirens! The mockingbird is especially vocal on moonlit spring nights.
  • The male mockingbird is the one who does all the singing; he sings to attract females.
  • During mating season male mocking birds may sing night and day!

Yes, this bird is keeping me awake night after night because it’s HORNY! The bird is desperate to get laid and apparently none of the females are interested. I’ve decided this bird is either:

- Considered seriously ugly in the bird world
- Has some type of deformity
- Sucks at singing

Or my personal favorite,
- Is really really bad at bird sex in the nest.

Either way, until this bird gets laid my sleep is being severely disturbed. I can’t really sleep through any noise so it doesn’t take a lot to keep me awake. I’m no match against a persistent high pitch shrill of a noise throughout the night. I’ve been told it’s “not that bad of a sound” by other people but I’ve developed a deep dislike for this bird, so to me it might as well be a siren in my ear.

Maybe I should find a really slutty female bird that will just give this desperate Mockingbird some attention before I lose my mind.

If he could just masturbate it would make all of our lives so much better.


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