Moronic Monday – How exactly do you arrest a goat?

I never thought I would need to ask such a question. I mean, it’s only a goat. What could it possibly do that would actually make someone want to put it under arrest? Since when do we even arrest animals?! Well they do in Nigeria apparently. Real police arrested a local goat and it’s now in custody while the crime it’s charged with is under investigation.

It’s amazing how easy this weekly segment really is. It’s just shocking. It’s like the world tries to create stories made just for this post.

Apparently there are known vigilante groups in Nigeria that just roam the streets looking for crimes. Sort of like batman but totally messed up in the head. And with less cool shit to attack people with. The police actually allow them to fight crime which only makes me wonder what the hell the police are doing. One vigilante group came across a couple ‘hoodlums’ that were trying to steal a car. A Mazda to be specific. So they chased after them because that’s what vigilantes do when they’re out patrolling the streets. Sort of what the cops should have been doing but weren’t. According to the mighty crime fighters one of the guys got away but the other was captured.

And then he turned himself into a goat.

This is the exact story the vigilantes told the police with the black and white goat in tow. So what did the police do? Instead of sending them away or having their psychological state evaluated, they actually took the goat into police custody as if they had a real suspect. For armed robbery. Nigerians firmly believe in witchcraft so I guess they think all sorts of shit can happen but the fact that they think a human can magically transform into a goat is mind-blowing. What’s worse is the police seem to agree that it’s possible; all they admit to is that they just can’t prove it. It’s seriously scary.







A police spokesperson was quoted in saying, “We cannot confirm the witnesses’ story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat.” Why in the hell would they even take the goat into custody if they didn’t take the story even the slightest bit seriously?! He almost sounds like he’s saying he believes it happened but has no scientific proof to make the case. Uh, DUH! So why exactly are they still holding the goat prisoner? It was just wandering around probably eating some grass or tin and then it’s whisked away and kept in jail because people think it’s human. This story actually makes my head hurt.

Apparently the magical goat-man-transformer is a national curiosity as people flock to the police station to see it which they refer to as “the beast.” The police station has basically turned into a petting zoo. All because people are hoping a human will appear out of no where instead of a confused goat staring blankly back at them. Probably the weirdest police agency I’ve ever heard of.

Unfortunately for the goat, there’s no word on when it will be released. My guess is when it turns into a human. Which translates into never. Awesome.

A body farm. Yes, that’s exactly what you don’t want to think it is.

Have you ever had a nightmare where there were dead bodies just fucking everywhere? Yeah, me either but I’m pretty sure this is what Stephen King dreams about all the time. It’s also an actual place that’s just as horrific as it sounds except there’s no killer running around. The entire term ‘body farm’ is probably the worst phrase I’ve ever heard myself say and I can talk about some pretty weird shit. It sounds like a scene straight out of one of the Saw movies but it’s actually exists. Three of them to be exact. Because clearly once you have one body farm, you want more. Like Pringles. Apparently. And yes I know how gross of a comparison that is.

The first one was created in Tennessee because they’re special and has become a trend across the country. A TREND! There are body farms at Western Carolina University, University of Tennessee-Knoxville and University of Texas-San Marcos. They must be so proud. I’m telling you the names in case you have an aversion to dead bodies (you know, like most people) so you can avoid the corpse college campuses of our wonderful country. Except whoever is in charge of this horror show is hoping to have one in every single state because that’s exactly what we all want. Basically they’re franchising. You know what though? I live in tiny Rhode Island and we totally don’t have room for a rotting dead human farm. Sorry. We’re full.

Anyway, the whole concept is so scientists (or necrophiliacs, whatever) can study how the human body decays in different environmental situations. I get it. It’s important for when actual serial killers build their own body farms and it gets repossessed. We have to know how they rot so we can figure out who they are and how long they were rotting. Totally makes sense except the whole dead bodies just lying around in the open part. It’s just creepy. I even watched a video of someone’s grandpa giving a tour of the ‘farm’ and explaining everything. There he was walking around all nonchalant as we pass by bodies just hanging out in the grass or on a rock. Limbs are all mangled and what’s left of the face contorted as if saying, “what the hell kind of shit is this?!" He just kept on talking as if he was explaining why the trees existed. Like it was no big deal.

Then the most horrifying and gag inducing part came up. He started talking about how when we die and are just left laying around outside, the skin on our hands slides off. Slides right fucking off! It's called skin slippage. They even zoomed in on dead hands to prove it. As if I needed a visual. I almost vomited on my laptop right then and there. He called it “degloving.” I will never look at gloves the same way again. He wasn’t done though. He started talking about how they recover finger prints from such a situation which apparently involves putting the dead person’s hand on your hand. Like sliding on glove. I’m not even shitting you. Again, I feel like I’m talking about a Saw movie except they really do this and this guy was giving a re-enactment with a pair of rubber gloves for the camera. I didn’t know if I should vomit or just run away screaming until it stopped.

Instead, I decided to share it with you.



You can thank me later.

Moronic Monday – ‘911, what’s your emergency?’ ‘I need sex.’

Remember when you were a kid and were first learning to dial 911 and totally forgot the whole ‘only when in an emergency’ part and just dialed it at random times for no reason at all except that you could? Well, this guy never grew out of that apparently. He was bored and had zero minutes left on his cell phone so apparently he was broke too, so what’s a guy to do? Call a 911 operator of course. Except he wasn’t calling for a friendly conversation. No, he wanted a booty call. From the 911 operator. Clearly he didn’t think she had anything better to do, you know like helping save people’s lives.

Obviously the 911 operator was freaked out and angry that this man was wasting an important resource so she hung up on him. He then called back again. And again. And again. For a total of five phone calls all because he wanted to have sex with the female operator. He even went as far as asking if he could go to her house which begs the question if he was drunk or high, or even possibly both in order to truly believe it would happen. Or he was so horny all the blood drained from his head and he could no longer grasp reality. I pick all three. Just look at him!







Another important issue he overlooked was that 911 operator’s jobs are to track down where the callers are located. That’s sort of the entire point! Again, he was so distracted by his horniness that he just forgot and was surprised to find police outside his door 15 minutes later. Surprise! He was then arrested and charged for making a false 911 call. Maybe he found a nice jail cell buddy to help his physical problem.

My favorite part of the entire story though was when he was asked why he did this. His answer? That he couldn’t dial any other number on his cell phone AND he didn’t think he would get in trouble for calling 911.

This is totally a guy that would have paid to have sex with the virgin from last week, except he doesn’t have a job or money, so he thought the free version involved the 911 system in Florida. Clearly a winner.

Our remote is going to take over the world.

The actual remote.

Hubby: “I have a mission for you.”

Me: “Um, what happened to the ‘if you so choose to accept it’ part, because I choose not to accept it.”

Hubby: …..

Me: “Okay. What is it?”

Hubby: “I need you to find four AA batteries.”

Me: “For what?”

Hubby: “So that we have a working remote.”

Me: “Oh, well I have a working remote right here.” *I held up our cable remote and even wiggled it a little to prove it.*

Hubby: “Yeah, but a working remote that controls everything.”

Me: “It does control everything. The TV, DVR and DVD player. I’m good.”

Hubby: “It doesn’t control the receiver.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I don’t need that.”

Hubby: “Oh, but you will.”

Me: “Um, that sounds a bit unsettling and I’m still pretty sure I don’t need the receiver thing.”

But I went hunting for batteries anyway and found stamps. Totally just as useful and I know for sure I need those.

Me: “Guess what?”

Hubby: “You found the batteries?”

Me: “What? Oh, no. I found stamps.”

Hubby: “Um good job? I still need the batteries. And a surge protector.”

Me: “I know where one is. Here. Okay, mission complete.”

Hubby: Laughs. “Not really, we still need the batteries.”

Me: “Oh right, the batteries you’re convinced we need and I know we really don’t. Gotcha.”

A few minutes go by and like magic I found the batteries. Ironically they were in the same spot as the stamps but I overlooked them because I was distracted by finding the stamps. I swear I don’t have ADD. Honestly.

The whole thing ended with:

Me: “I found the batteries! I’m totally awesome at this mission.”

Hubby: “Yes babe, totally awesome.”

I’m pretty sure he was mocking me. So as I write this he’s sitting on the edge of our couch programming this massive touch screen universal remote thing that I’m pretty sure could land a plane. Or at least make it crash. I’m going to stick with the cable remote though because I know I can use that thing. And I’m pretty sure I can’t fuck it up. The huge touch screen thing? I could probably kill it just by sitting in the same room.

Anyone who thinks I would be fine with the crazy remote contraption should read this blog about my talent of accidentally killing all things electronic.

I rest my case.

PS: My hubby read this post as I was taking pictures of the remote monster and this conversation happened.

Hubby: “You don’t like my remote?”

Me: …. *Focusing on taking a picture.*

Hubby: “You don’t like my remote?”

Me: …..

Hubby: “You’re not going to answer my question?”

Me: “I don’t know. Why?”

Hubby: “I don’t know why you won’t answer my question.”

Me: “I’m trying to take a picture of it and I don't think the remote likes me.”

Hubby: “You should add this to the blog.”

So I did. You’re welcome.

Why yes, I would like a free in-home estimate and you’re a total douche.

Honestly, this has become our life. Every house on the planet needs repairs and upgrades and the only way to do that is shop around. We would be absolutely insane not to price multiple companies to be sure we’re getting the best price for the product but God it’s annoying. Did you know that every window replacement company does free home estimates? Of course it’s helpful but it’s also annoying when you have four scheduled in a seven day period. Yes, four separate companies will be coming to our house to tell us how bad our windows are and why we should buy from them. As if we don’t know the windows are drafty since it’s the entire reason we want them replaced. The first one comes today and it all begins. I imagine it’s going to be a lot of the same thing. Our windows suck, theirs are awesome and we should spend our money with them, now please sign here.

Plus we’re also shopping for a security system because we’re way too paranoid about the world not to have one. I only wish they came with a large attack dog and a big man with a machine gun plus steel shields that surround the whole house and a panic room in the basement. I may be overreacting. Anyway, we had one company called Safe Home Security (I was going to leave the name out but what the hell) come out last night and he tried to screw us. He wanted us to pay $200 for equipment when the exact package we were buying was being offered completely free on their website. Do I have stupid written on my forehead? No dumbass, now get the hell out! Plus, he boasted that the company has an A+ rating with the Better Business Bureau and haven’t had a complaint since 2001. Oh really? Well that sounds like something to check. Ha! They actually have an F rating which is the lowest you can go AND they have several hundred recent complaints. Top rated my ass. Plus the BBB revoked their accreditation in 2007 because of bad business practices and there’s even a lawsuit against them by the attorney general in the headquarters’ state. Oh hell no! Next please.

It’s the second in-home estimate we’ve had a bad experience with. We had National Floors Direct to give an estimate to replace our hallway carpet. It’s only a hallway so clearly it’s not a big job with tons of commission potential but they knew that from the very beginning. The guy showed up and the first thing out of his mouth was, “you dragged me all the way out here for a hallway?” Uh yeah asshole, it’s your job. We should have kicked him out right then but for whatever reason we let him stay. I think it was because I wanted clean carpet in the worst way. He then measured and had us go out to his car to see the samples in his trunk. What the hell?! It was like we were doing some drug or gun deal in a back alley somewhere. We were both pretty pissed at this point but the topping on the cake was he ignored everything I said and only looked to my hubby for answers. As if I wasn’t standing right in front of him and my opinion didn’t matter. Such an asshat.

The whole thing ended with us telling him to leave our home and him storming out muttering to himself followed by us calling the company number to file a complaint. They tried to get us to allow another salesperson to come out for an estimate after apologizing profusely for his behavior. But at that point we wanted nothing to with the company. A couple days later we purchased carpet from Lowes and are now thrilled with our new clean and soft carpet. Emphasis on clean. We still want to replace the carpet in the finished part of the basement and we clearly won’t be calling that guy again.

So, who will be buying our windows from? No clue. What company will monitor our security system? Beats me. All I know is both things will be happening eventually once we find the right ones. In the mean time we get to have all kinds of people in the house giving their ‘estimates’ while I sanitize basically everything after each visit since I’m still hiding from swine flu. Purell and air/surface sanitizers are currently my best friends.

Moronic Monday – Giving away her virginity wasn’t good enough; instead she put it up for auction.

According to a woman from California, most women wasted an opportunity when they just gave away their virginity. You know, for love. Or fun, depending on your situation. Instead she decided to become a vagina business woman and sell her virginity. I suddenly felt like I was in the middle of ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ when I read her story. In the book the young girls entertain men and then sleep with the highest bidder after being checked out by a doctor to prove their purity. In this woman’s case, she put her virginity up for sale online and will have sex with the highest bidder after being checked out by a doctor if they so wish. It’s like she ripped a page right out of the book.

She claims the idea just came to her when her sister paid her college tuition by being a prostitute for 3 weeks. I guess she wanted to one up her sister and held an online auction instead of walking the streets. Their parents must be oh so proud, don’t you think? I know college is expensive but was this the only way she could think to pay for it? Not to mention she’s trying to earn a masters degree in Family and Marriage therapy. Yup, she’s going to counsel families and couples on how to get through tough times when her only idea was selling her woman parts online. She’s so totally qualified to help you through your problems now.

The scariest part of this whole thing isn’t even that she sees nothing strange about doing this; it’s that people actually want to pay to take her virginity. Not only pay, but bidding the auction up to $3.7million! Yeah, you read that right. Millions of dollars just to sleep with a stupid college student. It’s probably the most insane thing I’ve ever heard of. It also proves we’re in a world full of crazy men that have a very weird obsession with virgins. Proving how naïve she is, she stated that she was surprised to get sexually explicit messages from ‘weirdos’ explaining exactly what they wanted to do to her. Uh, duh! Wouldn’t you consider any man willing to pay lots of money just to have sex with a virgin a weirdo? I would. She also said she gets ‘polite requests from rich businessmen’ because they apparently don’t have any better way to spend their money.

The other scary thing is you know there will be tons of girls who will read her story and turn around to do the same exact thing. Before we know it we’ll have co-ed millionaires all around the country after they sell their virginities to the richest creep online. As long as they can manage to get through high school without becoming cheap sluts. It’s ironic since most of the girls I knew that wouldn’t see anything strange in doing this were the ones sleeping with any guy that looked at them.

Although, all I got when I lost my virginity was a horny boyfriend who is now my hubby.

Moronic Monday – Where should you hide your cell phone? In your butt crack of course!

(Yes I know it’s now Wednesday but I forgot to come back to actually publish it. I thought I had scheduled it for Monday but I never set it. I’m a horrible blogger. So lets just pretend it's the right day and we can all be happy.)

So I never feel the need to hide my cell phone. Being an adult probably has something to do with that but even in school I never really hid it. Unless tossing it in my purses counts as hiding which I don’t since that’s still where it lives to this day.

However rules are a bit stricter now in schools and many try to ban cell phones all together. Except that wasn’t even the case in this story. This school had normal cell phone usage rules. The rule was ‘no talking or text messaging on cell phones during classes’. Can we get anymore simple then that? This was still beyond what a 14 year old girl could comprehend though because she insisted on texting while her teacher was trying to give the lesson. And when I say insisted, I mean she continued to text even after the teacher repeatedly told her to put the phone away. She just did what she wanted and ignored her instructor. Not all that shocking to me and you’re probably wondering why this was even a news story.

After the student continued sending her texts to whoever the teacher sent her to the principal’s office. It was there that the principal demanded her phone be confiscated. The only problem was she now claimed to not have a cell phone at all. Clearly he didn’t believe her so he decided to call her parents to report her misbehavior. It was up until this moment that the school was doing everything right. Then they took a weird turn. The first mistake was asking the student herself for the number to contact her parents. Uh what? Not once, not twice but multiple times the young girl gave incorrect phone numbers yet the principal continued to rely on her for the contact information. Is he stupid or just plain lazy? Since when does a school not have parent/guardian contact information on file for emergencies and situations like this? Doesn’t that happen like the first day of school? Why didn’t he just look the damn numbers up instead of playing the girls game? Idiot!







Anyway, that’s not what this whole thing was about. After failing to get the real phone number for her parents (and never bothering to look them up himself) he then decided to take the whole thing to a new level. He called the police. No, I don’t mean he called the on campus security. He called the actual police in their city. All because she was texting on her phone and refused to tell him what she did with it. Since when is not listening to your teacher about a cell phone an actual crime for the police to handle? Also, since when do police actually respond to such a call?

For a minute I thought perhaps the police thought they were being called for a serious crime and the school failed to mention it was a cell phone text related issue. Then I came across the part where the officers that showed up were just as wacked as the principal. When they arrived they actually decided to search the student. FOR A CELL PHONE! They didn’t just go through her bag and locker; no they actually searched her physical person. That’s when they found the cell phone. Stuffed in her ass crack. Why in the world she decided to hide it there and how she walked around as if everything was normal is beyond me. I guess she assumed they would never look there and honestly I wouldn’t have thought they would either.

Can you guess what they did next? Give her detention? No. Actually call her parents? Nope. They arrested her. A 14 year old girl was arrested for texting in class and refusing to hand the phone over to the teacher or principal. She was charged with disorderly conduct and suspended from school for a week. Can we say huge over-reaction? I get you have to be tough with kids and they need to follow the rules, but come on! She was texting on her phone in class. She was being a brat and didn’t listen to the teacher. How is this different from any other day in any high school in the country? So kick her out of class. Suspend her for a day or two for going against school policy. Having her body searched and then arrested and charged for doing something that never put anyone in any danger is just flat out insane.

A teacher once tried to take my cell phone after she saw it outside of my purse. I wasn’t even using it I just had to take it out to get to something else. I refused to hand it over because I knew most cell phones that were taken away were either lost or damaged. I was sent to the office and still refused to hand the phone over. You know what they did? NOTHING! They just said to put it away and if I was caught with it out again I would be sent home for the day. Most people I knew always refused to allow their phones to be confiscated and the worst they ever got was suspended for a day and that was after swearing up a storm over the situation. Even kids that got in full on brawls in the school halls weren’t arrested.

The girl was later charged with trespassing because she returned to the school two days later during her suspension term.

So many morons in one story.