We should all stick a tea pot up our nose. Apparently.

(I know I missed my Moronic Monday post this week but I’ve been painting and trying to find homes for all our belongings in the house as we officially moved in. I already have a story lined up for next Monday though, so forgive me for this week!)

Have you ever had an urge to warm up some water and then stick the spout of your tea pot up your nose? Yeah, me neither. Apparently people actually do this with a special nose pot thing that they call a Neti Pot. It’s this small little tea pot look-a-like that you put water and table salt (seriously?) into then literally pour up your nose. It’s supposed to clean out your nostrils of basically everything according to the site but to me it just sounds like a fast way to get that horrible water up the nose feeling, and no one likes that. I mean you might as well tip your head back in the shower since you’ll end up with same feeling. It also seems like the messiest way to clean out your nose I’ve ever heard of.

The instructions say to just casually stand over your sink with your head tipped slightly back and pour the whole damn pot up there for EACH nostril. All I picture is water going all over the place including down your shirt. Haven’t they heard of nose spray or a tissue? They also claim it will feel good as you do it and I think they’re completely insane. Never in my life would pouring water directly into my nose feel like a good time. It’s also dishwasher safe because we all want things we stick up our nose mingling with our dinnerware. Next we’ll have washable q-tips and will toss those into the basket with our silverware. The dinner guests will just be oh so thrilled with that. They even make sure to have the picture model grinning like an idiot while she uses this weird little object.







Apparently you’re not only supposed to enjoy how it feels but be absolutely thrilled with the process. You don’t look totally strange at all doing this. It’s completely normal. Right. If I ever saw someone actually using a Neti pot I would think they took or drank too much of something and should seek professional help. I would be calling 911 telling them that my friend made tea for her nose and is now pouring it into her head so send the paramedics and probably a lot of towels. Isn’t it great that they included the water coming out of the other nostril as well? Wonderful picture design. It’s even scarier that someone was probably paid to make it.

I’m sort of lost on the point of this thing though. It says not to use it if your nose is stuffy, but when else would you need to remove mucus from your nose? When you’re not stuffy most people don’t even think about their nose never mind ways to give it a bath. It also makes sure to tell you to breathe through your mouth when using it as if there were any other option and people were actually confused. Is this really an issue for people? If it is then I’m horrified for our world’s future. The site also boasts it’s a great holiday gift and I feel the need to say no, this is a HORRIBLE gift. No one wants one of these things especially as a Christmas gift. Imagine that moment by the tree, “Here’s a thing to drain your nose. Merry Christmas!” This is a perfect example of a gift that you force gratitude through and then immediately think of ways to get rid of it. Toss it in the closet, re-gift, or just flat out throw it away. As my grandmother has always done, in my house it would ‘meet an unfortunate accident’ and be gone. Then the following year I would return the favor and give that person an ear irrigator. So they can feel the same pain.

I showed this to my hubby earlier tonight and his instant reaction was, “what the fuck?!” He then went on a little rant about how freaky it was that she was smiling so much and then he moved into the ‘I’m a little tea pot’ song and mixed the Neti pot into it. I would share it but I missed the words because I was laughing so hard at his reaction.

Next time your nose feels neglected warm up some water and table salt in a tea pot and have at it. It’s the fast track to the crazy house as anyone that sees you will be completely convinced you’ve lost your mind. Whoever invented this clearly lost theirs.

My apartment is trying to make my ears bleed or make my head explode.

I wrote this during the day yesterday but didn’t post it right away. I meant to but kind of forgot to actually publish it. I blame it on the noise. So here it is now. Better late than never I guess.

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As I write this, the fire alarm in our apartment building is going off. No, I’m not an idiot for being inside. This is the 4th time it’s gone off today and this last time has been going for literally an hour and a half. Yes, you read that right. Apparently a hot water heater in one of the apartments leaked (each unit has one) and caused the alarm below it to go off. The fire department came to turn it off and everyone went back inside. Then about 20 minutes later it went off again. The process repeated itself and then it went off a third time for about 10 minutes. All was quiet for about 15 minutes and then the 4th one went off. This time the fire department abandoned us because the alarm won’t stop until it’s replaced. The guy that needs to replace it hasn’t shown up yet. So here I sit with an ear piercing alarm going off for over 90 minutes. It’s amazing there hasn’t been a mass suicide yet.

For the first hour or so I sat outside on the balcony on the damn floor because all our outdoor chairs are at the house already. I even brought the laptop out there at one point because I was bored out of my mind. Then the bugs invaded. These little orangey-red ladybug things were fucking everywhere. They were like little kamikaze bugs because they were dive bombing my head. I swear bugs are attracted to me because they can sense how much I hate them. Then a hornet showed up followed by this massive bug thing I’ve never seen before and really never want to see again. The final straw was a spider that was crawling right for me. I almost lost it. So, I packed everything up and came back inside. Here I sit with huge headphones on and music blasting my eardrums to death to block out the evil ringing. It’s either this or letting my ears bleed from the alarm. I pick this.

The best part of this whole thing is no one from the maintenance staff can do a damn thing about it. Only a licensed alarm person can replace the one that’s setting it all off, so they can’t touch it. The fire department won’t show up anymore to turn it off because they know it’s not a real fire. We’re totally fucked if a real one actually breaks out because they’re completely ignoring us at this point. The staff here can’t silence the alarm without incurring a large fine for messing with the equipment so basically we’re all screwed. Most people left a long time ago to avoid the noise. Besides me, there’s only two other people here and they’re outside. Why haven’t I left, you ask? I haven’t mastered flying on a broom yet and have no car because hubby has it with him at work. So yes I’m stuck here as if I’m in prison. Only I didn’t do anything. This could be used as a form of torture. Anyone stuck in this noise with no form of blocking it would spill every secret they had.

It’s wonderful timing that this is all happening only days before we officially move out. We’re literally leaving this weekend with Saturday being our last night here. Why did this have to happen today? Why couldn’t it be next Tuesday instead when I’m not here to suffer through it? No of course not, because Murphy’s Law hates me and has made me a target. You know what I say to that then? Screw you Murphy. Screw you. I have hundreds and hundreds of songs on my laptop to block out the noise and I’ll do it as long as needed. Let’s just hope I don’t need to pee anytime soon since my laptop battery is special and can’t function without being plugged in. I really should replace that thing. I also can’t eat lunch for the same reason. I would go insane in the time it took to make a sandwich and then it would be wasted. It’s a lose-lose situation. For a split second I felt that I would miss our apartment a little but fuck that. I won’t miss a damn thing now.

It’s been a full 2 hours straight now that the alarm has been ringing. Two very long hours.

The alarm guy was supposed to be here an hour ago. Asshole.

PS. After 2 and a half hours the alarm finally stopped. My head is still ringing.

PSS. That massive bug I had never seen before and didn't want to see again, yeah well one was just walking across my living room carpet!! It's even creepier up close!! A wide but thin body, wings, 6 long legs it uses to walk (not crawl), and 2 long antenna it wiggles around.CREEPY!

Moronic Monday: Forget eye for an eye, it’s goldfish for a diamond now.

It’s a timeless story. You fall in love, you move in together and oh so romantically become common-law married. Then, things fall apart and you break up. Your ex common-law husband (that sounds so weird) decides he wants all the jewelry he’s ever given you. He steals it and refuses to give it back. All you want is your diamonds and since you can’t get your way, you decide to get even. So what do you do? You steal his goldfish of course.

This is exactly what a woman from Pasadena, Texas did. She was angry and apparently thought stealing the 7 goldfish the couple bought together was her best option. The man called police and reported them stolen. I’m sure the police were just thrilled at this call. Anyway, they did their duty and went straight to the woman’s house. After talking with the woman for a few minutes they discovered that not only had the woman stolen her ex husband’s beloved goldfish, but she took the revenge one step further.

She ate them.




Yup, she threw them in a frying pan and ate 3 of the little fishies before the police even arrived. We know this because the officers found 4 of them on a plate sitting on her kitchen table. She was completely unfazed by the whole thing and led them straight to her tiny victims the second they asked where the fish were. When asked where the remaining 3 fish were she simply stated, “I already ate those.” Just another day on the job for those officers, don’t you think?

Best of all, there was nothing the police could do. There’s no law against eating goldfish apparently and since the fish were purchased while the couple lived together they were considered community property. I guess as long as you buy a pet together Texas law doesn’t really care what you do to them afterwards. I get why she wasn’t arrested for stealing the fish because of the whole community property laws but what about animal cruelty? She killed the fish! And then she ate them! That’s not normal behavior you do with your pets. I get that they were fish but they were their pets! They named them and cared for them by feeding and cleaning their tank. She gets mad one day and then decides they’re dinner? What the hell is wrong with people?

The police said if the man wants to pursue the issue then it would be a civil case which he would obviously win since she flat out admitted to eating the fish and the police found some of them fried in her kitchen. I love how she even sat down at her table with a plate and dinnerware to eat the fish.

Because she’s dignified like that.

I never want to see wallpaper again and I’m apparently doomed to the fire of hell.

Today was a busy and insanely exhausting day. We got so much done that it’s almost painful to think about. From our carpets being cleaned and wallpaper being ripped down to an entire room primed and another sanded. Have I mentioned I HATE wallpaper? It’s probably the most evil thing ever invented for home décor and that says a lot coming from me since I detest wood paneling with every fiber of my being. Not only was the wallpaper a pain in my ass but it was also ugly as hell. I swear it was based off of the uniforms people were forced to wear in concentration camps. I’m not even trying to be funny or mean with that, it’s just true. Two shades of gray in vertical stripes. Seriously. Plus they used about 10 times more glue then they really needed to so we had random small pieces that just refused to come off without beating it and the wall to death. I’m so glad it was only halfway up the wall because if it was floor to ceiling, I would still be in there scrapping my life away. I never ever want to see wallpaper ever again. Ever. It should be banned.

Oh, and I’m apparently doomed to eternal damnation. Isn’t that a ball of fun? I know this because two strange men appeared at the door to the house to tell me this. One was young, probably in his 20s that did most of the talking, but the other was in this floppy hat and basically smiled the entire time. It was one of those creepy smiles too and all I kept thinking was ‘creepy pedophile on my doorstep’ while the other told me how screwed I am. He was all like, “can I ask you a question?” I was about 2 seconds away from responding with ‘well, you already did so you didn’t give me much a choice now did you?’ but I had a feeling it would have been lost on them.

Anyway, his magic question was, “If you had to stand before God today, and he asked you why he should allow you into heaven, what would you say?” What the hell kind of question is that to ask someone at their door? So I just dryly answered, “I have no idea.” This petrified him and it was the funniest thing ever. He just had this horrified look on his face and repeated my statement back to me. I could just see him deciding I was screwed right then and there. Then he started rambling about how we’re all born in sin and God doesn’t like sin and can’t allow it in heaven and blah blah blah. I lost him for a bit because I was honestly bursting trying to hold back my laughter. He quoted the bible in there too but I don’t know what he said, then came the ring of fire in hell part. The funniest part of my day.

By his definition, heaven must be completely empty since he said we’re all born sinners and basically every human sucks, well except them. I want to know what we could possibly do in the womb or within our first minutes of life that automatically make us sinners. Plus it came up today that believing you’re completely without sin is actually a sin in itself, so that means even these religion pushers are going to hell to with the rest of us. Well, I can close a door in their face down there too then. I found the entire thing completely hilarious. They gave me some plastic bag full of flyers and a CD with more “you’re going to hell missy” crap. Which promptly went into the garbage. All this was happening while they were standing in the rain. I guess trying to scare people into converting to whatever they are is a rain or shine event. Kind of like the post office.

So, the gist of my day was that because I exist I’m going to hell in a ball of fire and wallpaper is evil and will be decorating hell, right next to the wood paneling. I also randomly sent a text to my hubby that said “The carpet people are done and I’m going to a ring of fire in hell,” just to confuse the hell out of him.

Moronic Monday: Dumbest. Criminal. Ever.

Isn’t the whole point of committing a crime to actually try to not get caught? I stole something once when I was a kid. It was Halloween season and I stole rubber rats that someone stapled to a little wooden bridge. I honestly have no idea why I did it and I even broke their tales ripping them from the staples. I just liked them for whatever reason and I was a whole 6 years old so really, I was just stupid. Anyway, even at that age I knew not to get caught and I didn’t. My family to this day still doesn’t know it was me. Once I realized that the people were very much attached to their rubber rats and wanted them returned, I brought them back and still didn’t get caught. At the age of 6, I was a better thief then the guy this post is about. A side note, I didn’t become a career criminal and never stole another thing in my life so really it shouldn’t even count. Plus they were rubber rats. Enough said.

Anyway, apparently this guy never had his rubber rat experience and decided he would become a thief but then make it super easy for the police to find him. As in, a blind monkey with no legs could have found him. As creepy as that sounds. His inspiration came from going to a Phillies game dressed as a “Rockies Killer” and I don’t even know what that is. I guess he just wore a mask that he wrote those words on but he should have just saved us all the time and wrote stupid across his forehead instead. I wasn’t even aware there was a team called the Rockies until I read this story but it doesn’t matter. Here’s the guy in his wonderful outfit/costume thing.





His Mom must be so proud.

So, he went to the game, got really loud and obnoxious (what a shocker) and pissed off the people sitting around him so he was kicked out. Instead of just leaving he decided to wander over to a desk in the main office. Some moron left 3 of the World Series rings in an envelope on the counter (can someone say stupid as hell?) and this other moron in the mask picked them up and took them home as a souvenir. Except, before leaving with the rings he filled out a job application, complete with his real name, address and other personal information. He should have just walked straight to the jail with the rings in his hand instead.

Obviously the case was open and shut because not only did he fill out the paperwork but he was also caught on camera at the desk and walking away with the rings. Because no one would notice a grimacing skull with killer written across it. Of course not. He was found later at his home with the three rings. He didn’t even steal the really expensive rings, but the cheaper ones made for team employees. The players get $11,000 rings and he stole the $1,100 versions. I still don’t get why some dumbass left them on the counter to begin with. They said they were going to be mailed to employees that weren’t there but why they were out in the open is beyond me. Someone also must have been talking about them or they were marked “$3,300 rings in here – STEAL ME but please leave your name and number with the clerk.”

Clearly this man isn’t going to become a mastermind criminal. More like easy target practice for the police or frequent flyer for Moronic Mondays. You’re making this too easy Matthew, far too easy.

PS. I didn’t intend for both topics to be crime related but it’s where the really stupid people hang out, so it’s sort of finds me.

The old owners moved out but they left some little friends behind.

I hate people. Have I mentioned that? More specifically I hate the people that owned our home before us. So far, we have learned that they were very dirty people who apparently had no issue living in complete filth. The floors were just plain dirty and require a firm scrubbing in every room. Plus the walls need to be scrubbed and there was mold growing in the refrigerator. They just put tinfoil over it instead of actually cleaning it. I know they sold their house as a short sale so it means they were in trouble financially but there are simple inexpensive ways to do basic cleaning. It doesn’t cost anything to sweep or mop your floor. I know she had a mop because she had it hanging from the basement ceiling as a place to hang clothes to dry. It clearly wasn’t doing much good there. She also left behind a bucket that most would use to mop as well as some spray cleaners and several sponges, which she apparently never used.

They also left several pieces of furniture behind plus tons of random items in the shed. I could handle and get over all that pretty easily but they also left something else for us to deal with. FLEAS! The house has fucking fleas! I nearly flipped my lid when I saw one on my hand. I was about to start cleaning and all of the sudden there it was. I could have screamed I was so mad. I know they had cats but that’s no excuse to have fleas. There are ways to prevent it and then treat it if it happens. But no, instead they just moved out and left it as our problem. So now flea bombs are going off in our house and tomorrow it will have that wonderful chemical smell until it fully airs out. Of course it’s good that we found out before we moved anything in and we haven’t replaced the carpets yet, but still!

It’s like they just completely gave up on taking care of anything. The house was just plain dirty, there’s a flea infestation and they allowed stray cats of the neighborhood to live in their shed since they never bothered to fix a broken window pane. The neighbors we met informed us of this problem and stated the window had been broken for a very long time. I realize they were probably very upset they couldn’t keep their home but what happen to the pride of taking care of your home? Has that completely disappeared? I would never let my home get to even half the state they left it in, whether I was losing it or not. Even if they didn’t care what other people thought what about for their own sake? They actually allowed themselves to live in this level of filth and didn’t do anything about it. There’s no excuse for it especially when you have the proper materials to keep the house at a respectable level. Who lets mold grow in their refrigerator and then just covers it with tin foil? Who just never mops or sweeps their floors, ever? I just don’t understand it. This woman was a mother; she had two kids in their teens, so you would think she would know better.

We also found an empty bottle of Patron Tequila in the teenage boy’s bedroom closet. Seriously! It was just sitting there on the floor in the corner clearly visible. I know for a fact he was underage as we actually saw him one day. He was no older then 18, at the most. I realize that parents can’t know everything their kids are doing and everyone has rebelled at least a little in their lives, but why would they leave it there? We know she had been in the house all throughout the week before closing because she was having non-stop yard sales and even posted ads online about them. Could she really have never bothered to open that closet door? It stood out with its specialty bottle. Wouldn’t most mothers’ double check their kid’s room to make sure everything was packed and removed? At the evidence of how these people lived, I guess anything is possible.

I just hope to God that the flea treatment works so we can move past this problem and get the house clean. It’s such a good thing that we don’t have contact with the previous owners anymore, because I have OH SO MUCH I wish I could say to them. What kills me though, is they moved to an apartment. She will definitely not be getting her cleaning deposit back.

Ugh. Never buy a short sale. Ever.

This is supposed to be a Moronic Monday post but all I can think about is that we closed on our house today!!

Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! It finally happened, after months and months of waiting. We closed on our first house and it was amazing and insane all at the same time. We did a final walkthrough of the house and everything was where it was supposed to be. Then we went to closing and in the matter of 37 minutes, we were homeowners. It was the most whirlwind moment ever. We must be speed signers because even though there was a books worth of paperwork (seriously, why so many damn pages?) we were done before I even blinked my eyes twice. Then the keys were in my hand and we were pulling into our driveway as owners for the first time. Is it our house? Apparently it is but you could have fooled me. I still feel like I’m going to wake up tomorrow and it will all be a dream or something. Someone slap me because I’m in pure disbelief.

The first thing we did (after walking around the house 3 or 30 times) was change the locks because I don’t trust people. After that we started cleaning mostly because we weren’t really sure what else to do. We still don’t feel like we bought a house today but we have moving deadlines now so clean we must. Apparently, the people who owned it before didn’t understand you have to clean up your own filth. I swear, they never cleaned or even swept the floors the entire 3 years they lived there, seriously. It’s DISGUSTING! I did a dry sweep of the kitchen/dining room area with a swifter and the pad was completely black! I gagged a little at the sight of it. The same thing happened in the living room. Then hubby scrubbed the floor with a stiff brush with Lysol and the water was black before we knew it. You could see the dirt line on the floor from where he cleaned and where he hadn’t touched yet. I’m still mortified by it. It will be scrubbed at least 2 more times to get it clean enough to be comfortable. I don’t get what’s wrong with people, honestly. They had two cats but this wasn’t a pet issue, this was just dirty people and absolutely no cleaning happening at all. The cats were the cleanest living thing in the house. Ironically, the bathroom floor was the cleanest floor in the entire house. Go figure.

So we still have plenty of cleaning to do, and carpets to replace (again, disgusting) but the house is worth it. I can’t wait to paint so it will have a fresh new look inside. Just the small cleaning it got today, I swear the house would thank us if it could. We even met one of our neighbors. They saw us in the backyard and came right out to say hello, they seemed really happy to hear the house wouldn’t empty anymore. They even gave us a few tips on a broken window on the shed that apparently stray cats frequent and it made me so glad for perceptive and friendly neighbors since we wouldn’t have known until it happened. That will be stopped, now.

I don’t even know what else to say except I still can’t believe it. I have no idea when it will feel real but when it does I will probably cry again. Yes, I cried a little already. It was right after we closed and I was talking on the phone. Saying it out loud made me cry but yet I don’t believe it’s real. Maybe when we move in and stay the first night it will be cemented in my mind. Lets go with that.

I had a story ready to go for Moronic Monday but couldn’t focus at all. It will be back for next week though. Consider this a little detour!

PS: We already had to kill two spiders in the house and we haven't even owned it for 24 hours yet. And by we, I mean hubby. Spider killer/keep them away spray here we come!