Moronic Monday – Riot shields are meant for riots, not sledding down a hill, you Bobbies!

*You should really read this post with a British accent. Probably just in your head though, since most people really suck at mimicking it. Or at least I do. Plus the people around you might think you lost your mind like Britney Spears did and will now just randomly talk with a British accent.*

I cherish my memories of going sledding with friends. All bundled up and excited for the thrill of flying down a huge hill, on our riot shields. Ah, memories. That’s what some British Bobbies (police for those who didn’t know – like me until 5 minutes ago) can now say when telling stories of their days on the force. It’s what they decided to do during the country’s most recent cold snap when they happened to come across a large hill they apparently couldn’t resist.

Since the police aren’t generally issued snow sleds as part of their uniform and equipment they had a problem. Their inner children wanted to sled instead of work but all they had were their asses. That is, until someone remembered their riot shields which they apparently have on them at all times. It’s sled-like right? Sure! Why not? That thought process led to the following video, because moments like these are always better when they’re recorded.



Don’t you just love their teamwork? They have each others back, at least until their buddy hits a bump and slides into a ditch. Then came the laughter and “cya later!” Poor Bobbie.

The video wasn’t actually recorded by any of the Bobbies, but by another guy there to play too. He claimed he was there to go down the hill in his kayak which just makes me wonder if British people have any actual sleds at all. Is there a sled shortage or something that I’m unaware of? The man also said he was afraid the police would scold him for using his kayak on the hill, so I assume he took this video as blackmail. Or possibly to prove he’s not he only one that is sledding challenged.

Although the Bobbies didn’t seem to mind the man taking a video of their play time, I’m sure they’re regretting it now as it makes its way around Youtube. Although many people have found it to be funny or a well deserved break, their superintendent doesn’t share the same view. He released a statement saying, “tobogganing on duty, on police equipment and at taxpayers’ expense is a very bad idea.” The police have been reprimanded and I’m sure there is now a segment in their training classes on how not to use your riot shield.

Maybe there should also be a course for everyone else on how not to use your kayak. And also to buy a real sled. Or toboggan, whatever you want to call it.

Twister should stick to being a game and not a condom.

The other day my hubby and I stopped at the grocery store to pick up milk on our way home from shopping. On our way out I stopped to look at the hand soap display. Not because we really needed soap but it was one of those ‘oh shiny’ moments and I got distracted. While waiting for me, my hubby stood a few steps down the aisle and happened to land in front of the condom display. I have no idea why the hand soap and condoms are so close together or why right next to it is a body soap display with the label “incontinence”. It’s a weird store, clearly.

Anyway, all the sudden he randomly said “twister.” I could see he was in front of the condom shelves so hearing that word mixed with condoms sounded like a very dangerous combination. Naturally, I asked what the hell he was talking about and he proceeded to point out a box of Trojan magnum condoms with the word twister on the front in bright green text. The description said it had “deep ridges” around the condom in a spiral for “both partners pleasure.” What the hell?! Who in the world would want that word associated with anything involving our most tender areas? The second I hear the word twister I instantly think of a tornado and a nipple twister. I’m not really sure why it’s those two things together but that’s apparently how my train of thought can go.

So I would like to know who the genius was that came up with that naming campaign. Because, he (and yes it has to be a man) deserves a nipple twister. During a tornado. There are so many other things that would be more appealing than twister. Like the other varieties named ridges or ecstasy. Actually, they should have named it ripples. That’s much less menacing. I don’t care how good the box says it will be nothing is coming near my lady regions named twister, thankyouverymuch!

My hubby was far less impressed (horrified) and just walked away while I stared at this box like it was an alien. A woman walking down the aisle with her child gave me a look like I was some kind of sex fiend but whatever.

Maybe she needed some incontinence soap which would mean she had far bigger problems.

Moronic Monday – Pull your pants up and step away from the cow!

This should probably be titled horrifying Monday or sickening Monday but it doesn’t fit the pattern. So, here we are anyway.

If you do some type of sexual act with an animal, is it rape? Apparently in New Jersey it’s not for the simple fact that you can’t ask the animal how it feels about it. A former police officer was arrested after police found a tape of him allowing cows to lick his penis and balls while he videotaped the scene. There aren’t even words to describe my initial reaction to that. I’m just at a loss really.





Robert Melia Jr. was brought before a judge and grand jury to face charges of animal cruelty with the horrifying video as evidence. But the charges were dropped. Why? Because the judge concluded that the prosecutor failed to prove to the jury that the cows were tormented by the acts of the defendant. WHAT THE FUCK?! The judge went on to say that it remained unclear after testimony if the cows were tormented or simply puzzled. Holy hell. Basically, because you can’t ask a cow how it felt after licking this man’s penis it automatically made it not cruelty against animals. Where did this judge get his credentials? Honestly. So when a dog is beaten by its owner it’s not cruelty because the dog can’t turn around and say it was hurt? It’s probably the most backwards ass reasoning of something that I’ve ever heard. That was a shitty judge.

Overall, since all the cows could do was moo, it apparently meant they consented to the whole thing. I think my brain might have just exploded. Also the author of the article I read about this actually called it a “moonlight tryst” and a “one night stand” which is frightening all on its own.

So the man gets away with the cow molestation but hopefully the court will nail him and his girlfriend for molesting three little girls, which was the entire reason they found the cow porn tape to begin with.

What is wrong with people?!

This is really a two for one week since the whole MM concept applies to both the cow molester and the inept judge. What more can you ask for, really?

My week has been awesome. If awesome actually meant craptastic.

My computer is still dying, or at least it's not thrilled about being saved. My hubby will think he beat the virus and all will be fine for a few minutes and then the big 'ha ha sucker' moment comes and it's still not better. He's determined though, so I have to give him that. In the meantime I still can't use it because logging into accounts with my passwords on a computer with a badass virus is just stupid. So I'm still on my hubby's Mac which he hasn't been able to touch since mine crashed because I just can't be without a computer. It's a rule.

Then early this week my standing abilities decided to just abandon me as I managed to fall in my own house doing something that should have been simple. How I managed to fall and injure myself while hanging clothes in a closet is really anyone's guess. It's pathetic really. I walked away with a battle scar in the form of a fast forming bruise on my right leg that is now HUGE. It's currently dark green and lime green with purple blueish spots speckled in. Basically, my leg is an angry rainbow and I look like I lost some seriously weird fight. That I fought with the outside of my thigh. The best part is you can even see the shape of an edge I hit when I fell. It's my first imprint bruise and I can't really say I'm proud. But as my grandmother pointed out, I should be glad I didn't hit my head on something. Instead I can't sit, walk, sleep or basically move in any way without the bruise bitching about it.

On a better note, some of our 2010 plans are on the path to becoming reality. I still can't share exactly what they are yet but once I can I will spill all the details. One thing in particular took a huge step forward this week thanks to Hubby and hopefully soon it will be a full on reality. Positive thoughts!

I will be taking on the closet in another battle this weekend when we paint the inside and install new shelves and rods. Perhaps I should get some sports gear in preparation. Except I would probably hurt myself putting it on. Hell, if I can't handle a closet in normal clothing what chance do I have in a few pounds of padding? Maybe I should just get a bubble.

Apparently my 'little miss graceful' days are coming back to haunt me.

Moronic Monday - My computer is trying to kill itself!

As I write this, my hubby is desperately trying to revive my computer, which has decided it no longer wants to live. The end of last week it started acting kind of funny but the full on crash came Saturday afternoon. Out of the blue my screen went green with a black box in the center warning that it was infected. Then everything went to hell in a hand basket.

Since then I haven't been able to use it at all. It's been in my hubby's hands with scans and programs running to save it while I use his Mac that I hate. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with his computer, I just like mine. I know where I have things saved and like my system. Basically I'm like an old person that doesn't like straying from my norm.

I've been telling my hubby that my computer is my crack. Although I've never had any real type of addiction and never tried drugs, this is what I imagine a crack addiction would be like without the high and legal problems. I absolutely HATE my computer (because it hates me and pulls this kind of crap) but I can't live without it. The second I can't have it at my finger tips or it won't work properly I get all aggravated and feel a little lost. As sad as that is. That's essentially the definition of an addiction, I can't live without it but I can't stand it either. Ugh.

So because my computer is having surgery the real Moronic Monday is on hold. I can't really access my usual stuff to write it so here I am on my hubby's laptop. Let's all hope he can save it without me losing any of my stuff. I have too much music, too many pictures and far too many documents saved to lose everything without backups. I've had to do it before and do not want to be there again.

Fingers crossed people!

A new year, a new decade and new plans!

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you were able to ring in the new year in a positive way no matter how you celebrated. For us, it was a simple night in which seems to be a recurring theme. We’re not drinkers or partiers so those type of scenes aren’t fun. A couple years we’ve gone out to a show or event but we also enjoy just cuddling at home. We ate pizza, popped in some movies and watched the ball drop at midnight. Simple? Yes. But it worked for us.

I’m still a little amazed we celebrated entering 2010 since it feels like we just did this for 2009 like 3 months ago. I’m really not sure where the whole year went! I think we spent so many months (8 in total) hunting and waiting for our house that it sort of swallowed up 2009. We were basically in limbo for most of it. Our life went on hold in the beginning of February and started moving again the first week of October. But now that we’re settled in our house we can enter the new year ready to start fresh!

As for our new plans, we seem to have plenty! We never call them New Year resolutions but the concept is basically the same. Quite a few have to do with the house as I’m sure no one is surprised about. There’s always something to do, fix, or change with a house so that list has been growing since we moved in. One I’m looking forward to is new windows! The ones we have now are well past their prime and are so drafty. Many we could never leave open as they would fall out of the tracks due to some of the clips being broken. It will be so nice to have efficient, functional and nice looking windows. I cannot wait! Another is a new dishwasher since our current one has decided it’s a good idea to leak each time it runs, which is just so much fun.

Besides the house, we have plans to add a dog to our little family! I’m not sure exactly when this will happen but I’ll share pictures and info when it does. Our plan is to adopt an adult dog from a local shelter or rescue. Although puppies are adorable and fun it’s great saving a dog and giving it life it might not otherwise had. A lot of the time they almost seem to know they were saved. Some people call that foolish but many who rescued a dog in some way would agree. I’m looking forward to having a little fur-baby sometime soon since we were unable to due to the no pet policy at our apartment.

We also have a couple other plans that I can’t share yet but I will once they come through. Hopefully it will be very soon sometime in the next few months!

I’ll be back on my normal routine next Monday now that the holidays are over and things will be getting back to normal. I hope everyone had a great holiday season with whatever you celebrate. Ours were great minus the blizzard we had before Christmas that dumped 15 inches of snow. That was a mess and a half!

Thanks for finding and sticking with me much of 2009. It’s been lots of fun and hopefully will be even better this year! I love reading all of your comments and emails so keep them coming!

2010 here we come!