I survived the spider attack and now people are asking me masturbation advice.

So I have survived the dreaded spider attack but not without injury. My foot is fine but I’m now paranoid sitting on my own couch which means its emotional damage. If I could sue the spider I would but it’s dead and down my toilet so it would be pretty hard to serve it papers. Lets hope it’s little friends stay away because I don’t need another panic attack. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to keep those to a minimum as much as possible. Oh by the way, I did stay up all night that fateful evening. I couldn’t get myself into bed until around 8am and thankfully I didn’t have anything to do that day. Attila the Mom made it worse when she shared her story about a crackly spider under her pillow, so now I hunt through my bed with a flashlight before getting in because I needed to be even more neurotic. Thanks for that. I like your blog so I’ll forgive you. Just no more horrible spider stories please.

Anyway, since my arachnid fiasco some people of the world have come to my blog for help. One reader found my blog by typing in “is being drunk like insomnia” and the answer is yes and no not really. Glad I could help. Actually, the scary thing is in my top 10 searches that brought people here, 6 of them are different variations of “drunk” and “insomnia” which means that the lushes of the world are also low on sleep which is a horrible combination and they’re coming to ME for advice. Seriously, we’re screwed!

I also attracted someone that searched, “can germaphobes become doctors?” That’s the last thing we need in our medical community, a doctor that’s afraid of germs. Imagine going in for the flu and you sneeze and the doctor runs screaming from the room. Also someone from New Zealand found me by looking up “doctor conversations on Ebola,” which only makes me wonder what the hell is going on there. Seriously, I would love to know as long as it’s through the safety of the computer screen, because Ebola scares the shit out of me. It should scare you too; even if you’ve never heard of it just take my word for it. I’m the queen of advice now.

The best one by far was about masturbation and God. The person searched, “does God get mad if you masturbate,” and they found me. Doesn’t that make you, as readers, oh so very proud? It did for me. I think it’s a fun moment when someone searches God and masturbation in the same line and get directed to you. It’s also a bit scary. This blog comes up in the number 3 slot for this search which means two other things are just as fucked up as this is. However, both things were questions/answers from Yahoo Answers so it makes sense, really. The first one was, “Why does God punish us for masturbating?” Honestly, I don’t know what punishment they’re talking about but maybe that’s another thing I missed when I wasn’t going to bible study. The second one was more interesting though, “Does God get mad when an atheist takes a Christian girl’s virginity? Seriously, do you think that kind of thing makes him mad?” Um, probably.

Right after those two things is where I show up although it was probably seriously disappointing to the poor horny little teen looking for real advice because the search links to a post about God getting mad when you call his prayer a curse and another one about mockingbirds needing to masturbate so I could sleep. Honestly, how much help could that have been? But, in case they search again this post should come up and if so then my answer is, everyone does it anyway so just go for it. God will forgive you, I assume.

I just single-handedly corrupted someone so if I don’t post again for like 2 weeks it’s time to be concerned because some angry parent killed me with a giant spider for answering the masturbation question. If you think about it, I protected them! They could have found this out on the streets but instead they learned it here at my so very innocent blog and are now masturbating in the safety of their bedroom/bathroom. You’re welcome!