“They’ll have it by Tuesday” really means they’ll have it whenever they hell they feel like it. Apparently.

So, we’re still trying to buy the same house we started with last April. Yes, that means we’ve been waiting on the same damn house for over 4 months. It’s a short sale so it’s not all that shocking to anyone that knows how they work, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. We went months without a single update and then were given a big one last Thursday. Our agent called after hearing from the listing agent who had just talked to the short sale negotiator. Basically, it was an adult version of the phone game. The update was that we would have an approval letter from the bank by Tuesday. As in the Tuesday that just passed two days ago. It’s now almost Friday and we have shit.

We called our agent yesterday who then called the listing agent who promised to call the short sale negotiator to see what’s going on. So, the earlier phone came in reverse. The negotiator still hasn’t responded so the phone tag is now on hold. We were supposed to be at the end of the road. It was supposed to be all over and ready to move onto the inspection steps and then head towards closing. Now, we’re back in limbo with no idea what’s going on. This whole process really sucks! If you ever have a chance to buy a short sale, don’t. Just take my word for it; it’s for your own sanity.

The crazy thing is when our agent told me on the phone last week that we would have the approval by Tuesday I didn’t even really react. I was in shock that we were getting a real update with actual useful information. Our agent was like, “If I were you, I’d be happy! This is a good thing!” But now I realize I was right in not reacting because apparently it all meant nothing anyway. The bank was just talking out of their ass which they’re so ridiculously good at. They’ve had $1,000 of our money since April when the original contract was signed. We’re paying more for rent because we’re month to month now and we’re inching closer and closer to the deadline for the first-time homebuyers’ credit. This house is costing us money and we don’t even own it yet!

Other great things happened this week so I’m trying not to complain but I’m clearly not winning that battle.

Here are three very important lessons:

1. Never buy a short sale.
2. Bank deadlines don’t mean shit when they’re supposed to do something.
3. Never buy a short sale.

I’m going to go watch Dirty Dancing and eat frozen yogurt because they make me happy.

I survived the spider attack and now people are asking me masturbation advice.

So I have survived the dreaded spider attack but not without injury. My foot is fine but I’m now paranoid sitting on my own couch which means its emotional damage. If I could sue the spider I would but it’s dead and down my toilet so it would be pretty hard to serve it papers. Lets hope it’s little friends stay away because I don’t need another panic attack. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to keep those to a minimum as much as possible. Oh by the way, I did stay up all night that fateful evening. I couldn’t get myself into bed until around 8am and thankfully I didn’t have anything to do that day. Attila the Mom made it worse when she shared her story about a crackly spider under her pillow, so now I hunt through my bed with a flashlight before getting in because I needed to be even more neurotic. Thanks for that. I like your blog so I’ll forgive you. Just no more horrible spider stories please.

Anyway, since my arachnid fiasco some people of the world have come to my blog for help. One reader found my blog by typing in “is being drunk like insomnia” and the answer is yes and no not really. Glad I could help. Actually, the scary thing is in my top 10 searches that brought people here, 6 of them are different variations of “drunk” and “insomnia” which means that the lushes of the world are also low on sleep which is a horrible combination and they’re coming to ME for advice. Seriously, we’re screwed!

I also attracted someone that searched, “can germaphobes become doctors?” That’s the last thing we need in our medical community, a doctor that’s afraid of germs. Imagine going in for the flu and you sneeze and the doctor runs screaming from the room. Also someone from New Zealand found me by looking up “doctor conversations on Ebola,” which only makes me wonder what the hell is going on there. Seriously, I would love to know as long as it’s through the safety of the computer screen, because Ebola scares the shit out of me. It should scare you too; even if you’ve never heard of it just take my word for it. I’m the queen of advice now.

The best one by far was about masturbation and God. The person searched, “does God get mad if you masturbate,” and they found me. Doesn’t that make you, as readers, oh so very proud? It did for me. I think it’s a fun moment when someone searches God and masturbation in the same line and get directed to you. It’s also a bit scary. This blog comes up in the number 3 slot for this search which means two other things are just as fucked up as this is. However, both things were questions/answers from Yahoo Answers so it makes sense, really. The first one was, “Why does God punish us for masturbating?” Honestly, I don’t know what punishment they’re talking about but maybe that’s another thing I missed when I wasn’t going to bible study. The second one was more interesting though, “Does God get mad when an atheist takes a Christian girl’s virginity? Seriously, do you think that kind of thing makes him mad?” Um, probably.

Right after those two things is where I show up although it was probably seriously disappointing to the poor horny little teen looking for real advice because the search links to a post about God getting mad when you call his prayer a curse and another one about mockingbirds needing to masturbate so I could sleep. Honestly, how much help could that have been? But, in case they search again this post should come up and if so then my answer is, everyone does it anyway so just go for it. God will forgive you, I assume.

I just single-handedly corrupted someone so if I don’t post again for like 2 weeks it’s time to be concerned because some angry parent killed me with a giant spider for answering the masturbation question. If you think about it, I protected them! They could have found this out on the streets but instead they learned it here at my so very innocent blog and are now masturbating in the safety of their bedroom/bathroom. You’re welcome!

Blogging while hyperventilating is probably a bad idea.

I’m freaking the hell out right now! A thing I dread and fear everyday just happened and I’m losing my mind! A spider just walked on my foot! Just now when I was sitting on the couch watching a movie. I hate those things with a passion and the idea of one touching me sends me into a near panic attack. I was just sitting here and I suddenly felt that creepy crawly feeling and looked and there it was on my toe. I flung my foot like crazy while trying very hard not to scream since it was past 4am and I didn’t want my husband waking up thinking I was being murdered or something.

I basically had a mini panic attack right at that second because it had just been touching me and then I didn’t know where it went when I freaked out and I didn’t want to touch the floor because it might touch me again. I could barely breathe and was all hot and sweating while frantically trying to spot the evil thing on the floor. I finally found it hiding under the coffee table after sprinting across the living room to get to the flash light to help me see it. I probably woke up our downstairs neighbors when I beat the thing to its death with my husband shoe. It had to be his shoe because I could never actually use my own. Ew! Then I got it with a tissue and threw it in the toilet and flushed. When I opened the lid the damn thing was still there floating dead in the water! It was like it was haunting me from my toilet. I flushed like 6 more times to be sure it was gone. Then I sanitized the shoe, my hands and of course my foot. I scrubbed my foot so hard it hurts.

Now I’m all freaked out and can’t stop looking around making sure another one isn’t near me. I keep feeling like something is crawling all over me and it’s creeping me out! I can’t stand spiders. They should all just be gone. I know they serve some purpose and blah blah blah but they scare the shit out of me! If they could all just stay outside and never come near me at all then I could deal with them. I can’t get myself to go to bed now because I’m afraid one will crawl on me in my sleep. So now it’s almost 6am and I’m blogging about it since there’s nothing else I can do. My choice is write about it or panic and I’m doing both.

Someone get me a brown paper bag. Or an oxygen tank.

Apparently some people don’t know cats make really bad lit candle babysitters.

Thinking, "What happens if I swat at it? Hmm"
I can’t even believe the story I just read. It’s sad actually. A local woman is seriously regretting spending so much money at Yankee Candle tonight. She’s also probably regretting her pet choice but that’s really unfair since the cat didn’t ask for any of this. She admitted she’s a big lover of scented candles and has them lit in her home pretty often. For a reason I cannot fathom she lit a few and then left her house! Didn’t anyone ever teach her this is a huge no-no in the candle etiquette world? On top of that, she left the candles lit with her cat left home alone. Can we say DUH? Cats are very predictable. We all know that they literally have a list of about 5 things they do each day; eat, drink, sleep, lick themselves and jump/walk on surfaces of all heights. That’s really the limit of their day. You have a sweet cat if cuddle is on that list but some don’t want to be bothered. Don’t get me wrong, I adore cats but they’re pretty much an easy to understand pet.

As you can guess, the cat jumped up on some surface, walked near a candle and knocked it over. The candle obviously landed on or near a flammable surface (which is pretty much anything in the average home) and it caught fire. Moments later there were flames shooting out of the second story window and firefighters arrived on scene. They said when they went inside they could see other lit candles on the main floor as they dashed upstairs to put out the fire. Thankfully they were able to save the cat but not much of the upstairs. The woman now has more then $20,000 in damages to her second story. All because she wanted the house to smell of lavender or cucumber melon. I don’t think normal insurance policies cover “I left my cat alone with my lit candles and he burned the house down”.

It doesn’t end there though because last week there was another cat/candle related fire in my state. This time the people were home but left the candles unattended in a room their cats had access to. Again, the cat went near the candle, it fell over and their apartment went up in flames. Sadly one of the cats died in that fire but the other was saved. The people all survived but couldn’t return to their home due to the damages. A few of their neighbors were also displaced due to the fire.

Obviously I feel bad for these families since one lost their beloved pet and both ended up with a lot of damages but I can’t help but be a little tough on them too. I grew up with cats and a mother who was a huge fan of scented candles. There was always at least one in every room and others in the closet for different seasons. She loved them! However, when they were lit they were never left unattended since there were two kids and cats in the house. If she was going to have some lit then she was going to be in that room. It just seems obvious to me that you wouldn’t leave them lit in that type of situation. I really can’t get over the woman who thought nothing of leaving her house with candles going. I would never do that no matter what type of pets I had or none at all. It’s just DUH!

Its stories like this that make me understand why my grandmother hates candles with a passion. Even when people give them to her as gifts she will never light them. Personally, I don’t light candles unless the lights go out. It’s not because I’m afraid of them but because I have no sense of smell (see this post that explains why I can’t smell) and can’t fully appreciate them. I have a bunch but they’re just used as decorations most of the time. Other people picked them out so I just have to take their word for it that they smell good. Being that they’re vanilla and french vanilla is probably a pretty safe bet though.

I get that people never think anything is going to happen to them (I’m not one of them, I’m more convinced everything is going to happen to me) but this world needs a lot more common sense!

So note to people, cats and candles don’t mix!