Scientists are just horny bastards. Or maybe that was just me.

Remember in science class when there were always one or two immature boys in the back laughing about something dirty that they warped from something simple? They were the same kids that looked up the word sex in the dictionary in third grade. Yeah, I just became one of them, at least for the short moment in the car the other day with the hubby. This isn’t exactly what I dreamed I would be those years ago sitting in class while the teacher talked about something literally no one gave a shit about. Oh well.

We were on our way to a mall (yay shopping!) on a nice but partly cloudy day. I suddenly sound like a weather forecast but you get the picture. Anyway, I looked up and made a passing statement that I could no longer remember the names of the clouds that we were all forced to learn back in school that once again no one really cared about it. I don’t even remember what grade we had to learn them in and clearly they didn’t stick well so really, what did we accomplish? My hubby on the other hand did remember a couple of them and stated that he thought the one in front of us was called a “nimbus cloud.” I paused for a few minutes then the following conversation happened.


Me: “Hmm.”

Hubby: “What? Is that the wrong name?”

Me: “I don’t know. It kind of sounds like a sex toy though.”

Hubby: Laughs. “Wow.”

Me: “What? It does. You could totally name a vibrator or a dildo nimbus”

Hubby: Continues laughing. “You just turned a cloud into a sex toy. That’s not normal.” Pauses. “I think cumulus would be a better name. Stratus would work too.”

Me: Laughs. “Cloud names are perfect for sex toys!”

Hubby: “I never knew clouds were so dirty.”

Me: “It’s the scientists. They’re all just horny bastards.”


Welcome to our life. He had to point out how not normal I was for even having that train of thought but then he jumped right in. Then he told me I should blog about it. People tell us we were made for each other mostly because of conversations like this. I’m not really sure what that says about us, but oh well.

Also, I don’t really know if scientists are all horny bastards but I did have a dirty science teacher in high school that would look down all the girl’s shirts. So really the same thing.

Me vs. Our New Printer (a.k.a. me screwing up technology).

Despite being a house that’s always buying new electronic thingies and keeping up with the new and improved equipment, we for some reason never bothered to do so with our printer. It’s not like it was just a little old but still chugging along. No, it actually screwed with my head. You know how you’re supposed to be able to put a stack of paper in the tray and the machine feeds itself whenever you tell it to print? Yeah, well that was a luxury our old printer took away. Instead, we would have to hand feed it one sheet at a time in order for anything to be accomplished. You also had to do it just right or it would ignore the paper completely and claim it was all out. Then at random times it would just flash all its lights and basically throw a temper tantrum in the middle of doing a print job and then be like oh, well I have to start all over again. It was basically the diva of the printing world.

Sadly we put up with this for quite a while. I have no idea why. I think we’re just insane because we’ve been holding onto it for at least 6-8 months with it acting this way. Don’t even ask me why because I have no answer. It’s not like we’re attached to it. Actually, I pretty much would tell anyone that would listen just how much I hate the damn thing. I would talk about throwing it out the window and seeing if it can bounce or smashing it with a sledge hammer each time I needed to print something. We would talk about buying a new one and then I guess suffer amnesia and forget about it until the next time we had to print something in a hurry. My only excuse is we don’t really need to print things all that often.

Its stay here has come to an end though. Finally. Last night we were trying to print 10 pages worth of things which is equal to slamming your own head into a wall with that hell of a printer. After getting 7 pages done feeding it one by one and making sure everything printed in the grayscale since it was out of color ink, it had a tantrum. Then after throwing a fit for a couple minutes and ignoring all commands an innocent looking little box popped up saying the job must now restart. Fucking hell! I was so not doing it all again and the hubby took one look at my face which must have resembled either homicidal thoughts or mental breakdown because he announced we were going to the store to buy a new printer. Yippee! Eat that you piece of shit HP printer!

We bought a new shiny Canon printer/scanner/copier machine that is completely wireless. We can put it anywhere and print from anywhere all while sitting on our asses and letting the machine do all the work. It can hold a crap load of paper and keep it out of sight at all times but best of all it can feed itself. That’s pretty much all I cared about so it wasn’t going to take much to impress me. Apparently it has a lot of other features I haven’t bothered to learn about yet because I’m just enjoying the fact that I can print from the couch and it does its job without me having to coax it into working. Such a wonderful thing.

At least it was for the whole 5 minutes it lasted. Now I keep getting a message that says the “printer is not responding”. You have got to be shitting me. Now I have a printer that’s giving me the silent treatment?! Fucking hell. I have no idea what happened. We printed things last night and it went beautifully. I made sure to ask the hubby what I had to do to print things in the future. I did what he said. And it’s not working. I have no idea why and I didn’t do anything. I just hit print like I’m supposed to and the printer is on and says ‘ready’. Just nothing happens. It’s like this one is taking the old ones side. I’m just never meant to print anything apparently.

So I have to wait until the technology whisperer (a.k.a. my hubby) gets home from work and fixes the issues in point 3 seconds. Because that’s how it always goes. Something won’t work for me and I can’t figure out the problem. He just looks at it and it works again. It’s the story of my life.

On a related note, our TV isn’t working. Well, not the TV itself but the Verizon box/DVR thing. It’s just refusing to work. It can turn on and off and I’m getting sound of the channel it’s stuck on but the screen is frozen. I can’t change the channel or get anything to pop up on the screen. It basically ignores me unless I use the power button. It’s been that way since the first time I turned it on today even though it was fine last night.

I just can’t win. Technology and I were not meant to be. I kill all things electronic and it’s all completely accidental. Actually, I never even do anything to them it just happens. Sometimes with me just being in the same room. It’s why I wrote a post called “I think I was born in the wrong century or possibly I’m possessed.” It’s basically this post, only different electronics are involved.

Lets hope I didn’t kill the new printer. Especially since we’ve had it for less than 24 hours.

PS: Turns out our DVR has a bad hard drive that can cause freezing, according to the dude on the phone. So they're overnighting a new one and we have to ship the old one back to them. At least it's fast. It's functioning right now, they were able to reset it but it will only keep happening so it must be replaced.

As for the printer, it's completely fine and we have no clue why it refused to work earlier. It worked fine when my Hubby came home and tried. I don't know why it ignored me though. Who knows.

Why can’t Mother’s Day be on like a Tuesday instead?

Who decided Mother’s Day should always be on a Sunday? Is there a certain person that decided that for everyone or was it one of those things that just happened? It’s a little inconvenient. It’s a great concept, don’t get me wrong. A day to celebrate the Mom’s of the world, particularly the one(s) in your life. And they deserve it. But why is it on a day when everything is closed, especially florists? Buying flowers is like a massive scavenger hunt around here if you actually want to buy them in person. Of course you can always order online, pay extra fees and have them delivered in a box by some random person. Because who doesn’t enjoy being charged more for the same thing just because they can?

Last year we didn’t really plan ahead which is really unlike me and as a result we almost didn’t get my Mom flowers. Everyone was closed and the ones that weren’t had nothing. We actually found one at the last minute and I had to settle for something I probably wouldn’t have picked if I had a full selection. She loved them of course and they were beautiful. But I wasn’t satisfied. This year will be different! We found a florist that is not only open on Sunday but offered pre-order online to guarantee you would have exactly what you wanted. Perfect! Why don’t more places do that? Seriously?

I guess I just find it surprising that there aren’t more options to buy flowers on Mother’s day somewhere local. Instead you feel almost trapped into using an online service. Have you visited an online flower delivery site lately? I landed on www.Teleflora.com earlier this week and was surprised at how quickly the price shot up. I’ll even show you what happened.

I browsed through the site for a bit and decided that I really liked an arrangement they call “Teleflora’s Sunny Smiles”. I thought my Mom would really like it and clicked the picture which brought up their ‘quick view’ screen. It offered two price options, a standard and a deluxe. The standard was listed at $29.95 and the deluxe at $39.95. All I had to do was provide the delivery zip code and it would be added to my cart. Below is a screen shot of the prices and the one I selected.







I picked the standard for the advertised price and typed in my Mom’s zip code. I clicked continue and was brought to my shopping cart. To my surprise the price had changed. Not only did it increase but without much explanation. I assumed at first it was based on where it’s delivered and for some reason we live in a higher fee area. Then I looked down and found yet another surprise. The picture below is a screen shot of my cart.







What was the first thing you noticed? How about the $14.99 ‘service charge’? Whatever the hell that is. I noticed they took off the $10.00 as part of the sale which brought the arrangement back to the stated $29.95 but they were then tacking on an additional $15. Just like that my order was up to $45.00. How wonderful. They weren’t done yet though. On the next page came the shipping.







It would be an additional $14.99 minimum for shipping unless I wanted it to arrive on the Friday or Saturday (which I would). Then it was $17.99 and $18.99 respectively. Fan-freaking-tastic. In a blink of an eye my $29.95 flowers magically became $63.93. The price literally doubled right before my eyes and I wasn’t getting anything extra. Is this beyond excessive to anyone else besides me? I love my Mom more than I can even say but I think she would want to smack me upside the head for paying that. That is if I didn’t do it first.

In the end I ordered a comparable and equally beautiful arrangement with vase included through someone local for $35.00. I was able to place the order online and choose in-store pickup for Sunday, at the time of my choosing. I will be able to view/inspect the arrangement before paying. Best of all, I will have the joy of seeing my Mom’s face when I hand the flowers to her.

Money can’t buy that kind of moment.

I want to wish a very happy Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s out there! You’re all amazing! I hope you have a beautiful day with the people that you love, especially your children no matter their age.

“A Mother holds her children’s hands for a short while, but will be held in their hearts forever.” – Unknown.

A man fell in love with a dolphin. No, really.

Why do so many of the weirdest stories I write about come out of Florida? It’s not a thing against the state, I happen to love all the time I’ve spent there and it’s still one of my favorite places to visit. I just would love to know why so much weird ass shit happens there. Maybe they just happen to report a lot of it and other states keep it hidden like a dirty little secret. Either way, here we go again.

I’ve managed to find yet another story about a man getting way too intimate with animals. If you don’t remember the other one then go to the post about the man molesting the cows. Caught up? Ok, good. Or not, depending on how you want to look at this. I don’t know how I find them and I most definitely don’t go looking for it, they just seem to find me. I wish I could blame someone else and say it was sent to me but I just manage to stumble upon it in my readings on the internet. Which is obviously a very scary place.

My wanderings this time brought me to a story about a man, who fell in love with a dolphin. I don’t mean he saw it and said, “oh look how cute, I love dolphins!” No. He met one at an amusement park and fell in love as in a relationship kind of love. And then he wrote a book about it. Has your brain exploded yet?

Malcolm Brenner from Sarasota apparently had (what he considers) a love at first sight kind of moment with this poor dolphin and had repeated visits with her. He even goes into detail about a particular moment with the animal which he explains in the following lines. These are quotes directly from an interview he did with the New York Times.

“She would take my leg very lightly in her jaws and run her teeth up and down my leg. It’s an incredible sensation. I don’t know if other people would find it erotic, but I certainly did.”

Fucking hell?! He got turned on. By a dolphin. Wow. Plenty of people go swimming with these adorable creatures and I’m pretty damn sure they don’t get a stiffy while doing it. He even goes are far as referring to the whole thing as an ‘affair’ as if the dolphin was a human. He claims she gave him seductive stares and made points to touch his crotch. The whole thing is just sick. The guy clearly needs some serious help. Especially considering he believes he had telepathic conversations with her. Padded room anyone?

This apparently all happened in the 1970s and it’s taken him this long to write his book. Why? I have no idea, and I don’t really care. He titled it, “Wet Goddess: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover” which he calls a ‘semi-autobiographical novel’. Ugh. He also says that the book isn’t meant to promote bestiality but to help people realize that “dolphins are smart, have real emotions and are capable of relationships.” Basically it’s supposed to be a vehicle to help save the dolphins and their environments. Except with sex scenes thrown in.

He did succeed in one thing though. He’s made me want to protect dolphins and other animals - from him!

Crosswalks are made for walking.

While out doing errands today I was sitting in the car waiting and happened to be right in front of two crosswalks. They were a good distance apart (don’t ask me how much because I’m horrible at guessing that) with cones lined up in the middle with the ‘must stop for pedestrians’ signs. They’re located right in front of a main entrance/exit to the store that gets quite a bit of traffic. The road connects the open parking lot with the parking garage so it too gets a lot of traffic going both ways. Obviously the crosswalks are there for a reason. So you can walk across safely without the cars crashing into you. Pretty simple right? Apparently not.

I was sitting in the car for probably 15 minutes or so and saw countless people come in and out of the store. I would say less than half of the people actually used the crosswalks. Instead, they would walk around them on the outside, or my personal favorite, walk BETWEEN the two crosswalks dodging around the cones/signs as if it were the signs that were out of place. I mean really? Can they not see the huge white lines painted on the ground with the words “crosswalk” painted inside? Obviously they can, but must feel that they are too good to walk where they’re supposed to. It’s even more insane when you watch them get frustrated at the drivers, who I always want to point out are doing exactly what they should be doing.

I know everyone is in a hurry to go nowhere, but why must we be assholes as we do it? People really do walk around as if they’re in their own little world and everyone else is just in their way. I saw people react to the giant orange cones with disgust when they had to sidestep them on their trip in between the two crosswalks. I then watched other people cross well down the street from the crosswalks and get angry that cars were driving in their way. Am I only one left in the world that actually walks where the crosswalks are? I mean if they were of no help they wouldn’t exist. Maybe that’s a very basic way to look at it but I think it makes sense. Drivers have to stop at the crosswalk to allow you to pass, so why would you cross somewhere else where they can just drive right by? I don’t get it.

For some reason while sitting in the car the song ‘Boots are made for walking’ popped in my head. I don’t even like that song but it came to my mind when I thought of the title. Then I changed it. I came up with a new version that I think should be posted on all the crosswalk signs and played over loudspeakers surrounding them.

“Crosswalks are made for walking, that’s just what you do,
One of these days these cars are gonna drive right over you.”

It’s sort of catchy. Guess my hubby isn’t the only one that makes up new lyrics. Except mine have nothing to do with a penis or someone’s unfortunate sex life.