Moronic Monday: Dumbest. Criminal. Ever.

Isn’t the whole point of committing a crime to actually try to not get caught? I stole something once when I was a kid. It was Halloween season and I stole rubber rats that someone stapled to a little wooden bridge. I honestly have no idea why I did it and I even broke their tales ripping them from the staples. I just liked them for whatever reason and I was a whole 6 years old so really, I was just stupid. Anyway, even at that age I knew not to get caught and I didn’t. My family to this day still doesn’t know it was me. Once I realized that the people were very much attached to their rubber rats and wanted them returned, I brought them back and still didn’t get caught. At the age of 6, I was a better thief then the guy this post is about. A side note, I didn’t become a career criminal and never stole another thing in my life so really it shouldn’t even count. Plus they were rubber rats. Enough said.

Anyway, apparently this guy never had his rubber rat experience and decided he would become a thief but then make it super easy for the police to find him. As in, a blind monkey with no legs could have found him. As creepy as that sounds. His inspiration came from going to a Phillies game dressed as a “Rockies Killer” and I don’t even know what that is. I guess he just wore a mask that he wrote those words on but he should have just saved us all the time and wrote stupid across his forehead instead. I wasn’t even aware there was a team called the Rockies until I read this story but it doesn’t matter. Here’s the guy in his wonderful outfit/costume thing.





His Mom must be so proud.

So, he went to the game, got really loud and obnoxious (what a shocker) and pissed off the people sitting around him so he was kicked out. Instead of just leaving he decided to wander over to a desk in the main office. Some moron left 3 of the World Series rings in an envelope on the counter (can someone say stupid as hell?) and this other moron in the mask picked them up and took them home as a souvenir. Except, before leaving with the rings he filled out a job application, complete with his real name, address and other personal information. He should have just walked straight to the jail with the rings in his hand instead.

Obviously the case was open and shut because not only did he fill out the paperwork but he was also caught on camera at the desk and walking away with the rings. Because no one would notice a grimacing skull with killer written across it. Of course not. He was found later at his home with the three rings. He didn’t even steal the really expensive rings, but the cheaper ones made for team employees. The players get $11,000 rings and he stole the $1,100 versions. I still don’t get why some dumbass left them on the counter to begin with. They said they were going to be mailed to employees that weren’t there but why they were out in the open is beyond me. Someone also must have been talking about them or they were marked “$3,300 rings in here – STEAL ME but please leave your name and number with the clerk.”

Clearly this man isn’t going to become a mastermind criminal. More like easy target practice for the police or frequent flyer for Moronic Mondays. You’re making this too easy Matthew, far too easy.

PS. I didn’t intend for both topics to be crime related but it’s where the really stupid people hang out, so it’s sort of finds me.