A man fell in love with a dolphin. No, really.

Why do so many of the weirdest stories I write about come out of Florida? It’s not a thing against the state, I happen to love all the time I’ve spent there and it’s still one of my favorite places to visit. I just would love to know why so much weird ass shit happens there. Maybe they just happen to report a lot of it and other states keep it hidden like a dirty little secret. Either way, here we go again.

I’ve managed to find yet another story about a man getting way too intimate with animals. If you don’t remember the other one then go to the post about the man molesting the cows. Caught up? Ok, good. Or not, depending on how you want to look at this. I don’t know how I find them and I most definitely don’t go looking for it, they just seem to find me. I wish I could blame someone else and say it was sent to me but I just manage to stumble upon it in my readings on the internet. Which is obviously a very scary place.

My wanderings this time brought me to a story about a man, who fell in love with a dolphin. I don’t mean he saw it and said, “oh look how cute, I love dolphins!” No. He met one at an amusement park and fell in love as in a relationship kind of love. And then he wrote a book about it. Has your brain exploded yet?

Malcolm Brenner from Sarasota apparently had (what he considers) a love at first sight kind of moment with this poor dolphin and had repeated visits with her. He even goes into detail about a particular moment with the animal which he explains in the following lines. These are quotes directly from an interview he did with the New York Times.

“She would take my leg very lightly in her jaws and run her teeth up and down my leg. It’s an incredible sensation. I don’t know if other people would find it erotic, but I certainly did.”

Fucking hell?! He got turned on. By a dolphin. Wow. Plenty of people go swimming with these adorable creatures and I’m pretty damn sure they don’t get a stiffy while doing it. He even goes are far as referring to the whole thing as an ‘affair’ as if the dolphin was a human. He claims she gave him seductive stares and made points to touch his crotch. The whole thing is just sick. The guy clearly needs some serious help. Especially considering he believes he had telepathic conversations with her. Padded room anyone?

This apparently all happened in the 1970s and it’s taken him this long to write his book. Why? I have no idea, and I don’t really care. He titled it, “Wet Goddess: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover” which he calls a ‘semi-autobiographical novel’. Ugh. He also says that the book isn’t meant to promote bestiality but to help people realize that “dolphins are smart, have real emotions and are capable of relationships.” Basically it’s supposed to be a vehicle to help save the dolphins and their environments. Except with sex scenes thrown in.

He did succeed in one thing though. He’s made me want to protect dolphins and other animals - from him!

Crosswalks are made for walking.

While out doing errands today I was sitting in the car waiting and happened to be right in front of two crosswalks. They were a good distance apart (don’t ask me how much because I’m horrible at guessing that) with cones lined up in the middle with the ‘must stop for pedestrians’ signs. They’re located right in front of a main entrance/exit to the store that gets quite a bit of traffic. The road connects the open parking lot with the parking garage so it too gets a lot of traffic going both ways. Obviously the crosswalks are there for a reason. So you can walk across safely without the cars crashing into you. Pretty simple right? Apparently not.

I was sitting in the car for probably 15 minutes or so and saw countless people come in and out of the store. I would say less than half of the people actually used the crosswalks. Instead, they would walk around them on the outside, or my personal favorite, walk BETWEEN the two crosswalks dodging around the cones/signs as if it were the signs that were out of place. I mean really? Can they not see the huge white lines painted on the ground with the words “crosswalk” painted inside? Obviously they can, but must feel that they are too good to walk where they’re supposed to. It’s even more insane when you watch them get frustrated at the drivers, who I always want to point out are doing exactly what they should be doing.

I know everyone is in a hurry to go nowhere, but why must we be assholes as we do it? People really do walk around as if they’re in their own little world and everyone else is just in their way. I saw people react to the giant orange cones with disgust when they had to sidestep them on their trip in between the two crosswalks. I then watched other people cross well down the street from the crosswalks and get angry that cars were driving in their way. Am I only one left in the world that actually walks where the crosswalks are? I mean if they were of no help they wouldn’t exist. Maybe that’s a very basic way to look at it but I think it makes sense. Drivers have to stop at the crosswalk to allow you to pass, so why would you cross somewhere else where they can just drive right by? I don’t get it.

For some reason while sitting in the car the song ‘Boots are made for walking’ popped in my head. I don’t even like that song but it came to my mind when I thought of the title. Then I changed it. I came up with a new version that I think should be posted on all the crosswalk signs and played over loudspeakers surrounding them.

“Crosswalks are made for walking, that’s just what you do,
One of these days these cars are gonna drive right over you.”

It’s sort of catchy. Guess my hubby isn’t the only one that makes up new lyrics. Except mine have nothing to do with a penis or someone’s unfortunate sex life.

Some products should never be made, ever.

Quick, what’s your favorite smell? Is it a flower? Something baking? Or maybe even the smell of a brand new car? Whatever it is, have you ever wished you could bottle it and be able to enjoy the scent whenever the urge struck you? Well, apparently someone who seriously had way too much time on their hands had a similar wish. Except their favorite smell wasn’t so innocent. Instead of something everyone would enjoy like cookies baking or the way a freshly bathed baby smells, they went a whole different route. A weird one. One that never should have happened.



I give you Vulva original-Vaginal Scent. I sort of feel the need to apologize for this right here but hey, you know how crazy this blog can get. At first I thought this was perfume made for the vagina which had me really confused since the idea of spraying alcohol based products on my vagina sounds painful and really pointless. But then I started to read the product description and went from really confused to a whole new level of “what the fuck?!” It’s not perfume at all. It’s not even made for the vagina. It’s actually a liquid that’s made to smell exactly like an aroused woman. Yes, you read that right. Someone went out and made a product that is meant to mimic the scent of a vagina. I don’t get it either.

According to the site they went through “years of extensive research and testing,” before making the final product for all to enjoy. They even gave the bottle a roll-on top which really just makes it that much more weird. The description goes on to say that after applying it to the back of your hand (yeah I’m sure that’s the only place people put it – eye roll) to sit back and enjoy. Are people really this desperate? Is there really a market for this kind of thing? Actually, I don’t really want to know the answer to this question since I’m probably better off not knowing. I also would have been better off not knowing about this product but since I now know, so do you.

You’re welcome.

I'm still alive and I'm coming back!

I abandoned you. I disappeared without notice for over 3 months. You could hate me and refuse to read anything I post and be perfectly reasonable. Except I hope that you’ll come back anyway. Because I love you. I love each and every person that spends some of their precious time reading my randomness. I’ve missed the writing and I’ve missed you, the readers. Even if you haven’t missed me too, I hope you return anyway. Please take me back?

I wish I could say I was off saving the world as my excuse for being missing in action. Like helping orphans or maybe rescuing animals! Instead, my only reason is we were super busy. Not much of an explanation is it? Life just showed up and took us for a speed ride and we were left playing catch up. Like playing cleanup crew at my Mom’s after the massive Rhode Island flood and then getting our house ready for a couple family members moving in since the flooding made their previous home unlivable. Sadly this wonderful blog was tossed in the back of the closet like an old sweater and is only now being pulled back out for fresh start. I’ve missed it.

So now that life has returned to some form of normal I’m back and ready to go! So many moments have come along that had me saying, “I could blog about that!” Clearly I never really got out of the habit of thinking about what to write even though I wasn’t here to do it. This time around will more or less be the same except for one thing. I’ve decided to leave the ‘Moronic Monday’ segments in hiding for a while. I want to bring my blog back to how it started with just pure random posts whenever they strike, instead of a schedule. Maybe I’ll bring it back later once I get going again, but for now lets just say it’s on vacation. I can let you guys be the real decider on that one!

I hope you forgive me for my absence and decide to return as my wonderful readers! I’ve still been reading all my favorite blogs but haven’t been commenting all that much. I’ll pick up on that more too, I promise!

It feels good to be back! I’m sure we’ll continue to have fun just as we did before.

-LB

Moronic Monday – Riot shields are meant for riots, not sledding down a hill, you Bobbies!

*You should really read this post with a British accent. Probably just in your head though, since most people really suck at mimicking it. Or at least I do. Plus the people around you might think you lost your mind like Britney Spears did and will now just randomly talk with a British accent.*

I cherish my memories of going sledding with friends. All bundled up and excited for the thrill of flying down a huge hill, on our riot shields. Ah, memories. That’s what some British Bobbies (police for those who didn’t know – like me until 5 minutes ago) can now say when telling stories of their days on the force. It’s what they decided to do during the country’s most recent cold snap when they happened to come across a large hill they apparently couldn’t resist.

Since the police aren’t generally issued snow sleds as part of their uniform and equipment they had a problem. Their inner children wanted to sled instead of work but all they had were their asses. That is, until someone remembered their riot shields which they apparently have on them at all times. It’s sled-like right? Sure! Why not? That thought process led to the following video, because moments like these are always better when they’re recorded.



Don’t you just love their teamwork? They have each others back, at least until their buddy hits a bump and slides into a ditch. Then came the laughter and “cya later!” Poor Bobbie.

The video wasn’t actually recorded by any of the Bobbies, but by another guy there to play too. He claimed he was there to go down the hill in his kayak which just makes me wonder if British people have any actual sleds at all. Is there a sled shortage or something that I’m unaware of? The man also said he was afraid the police would scold him for using his kayak on the hill, so I assume he took this video as blackmail. Or possibly to prove he’s not he only one that is sledding challenged.

Although the Bobbies didn’t seem to mind the man taking a video of their play time, I’m sure they’re regretting it now as it makes its way around Youtube. Although many people have found it to be funny or a well deserved break, their superintendent doesn’t share the same view. He released a statement saying, “tobogganing on duty, on police equipment and at taxpayers’ expense is a very bad idea.” The police have been reprimanded and I’m sure there is now a segment in their training classes on how not to use your riot shield.

Maybe there should also be a course for everyone else on how not to use your kayak. And also to buy a real sled. Or toboggan, whatever you want to call it.

Twister should stick to being a game and not a condom.

The other day my hubby and I stopped at the grocery store to pick up milk on our way home from shopping. On our way out I stopped to look at the hand soap display. Not because we really needed soap but it was one of those ‘oh shiny’ moments and I got distracted. While waiting for me, my hubby stood a few steps down the aisle and happened to land in front of the condom display. I have no idea why the hand soap and condoms are so close together or why right next to it is a body soap display with the label “incontinence”. It’s a weird store, clearly.

Anyway, all the sudden he randomly said “twister.” I could see he was in front of the condom shelves so hearing that word mixed with condoms sounded like a very dangerous combination. Naturally, I asked what the hell he was talking about and he proceeded to point out a box of Trojan magnum condoms with the word twister on the front in bright green text. The description said it had “deep ridges” around the condom in a spiral for “both partners pleasure.” What the hell?! Who in the world would want that word associated with anything involving our most tender areas? The second I hear the word twister I instantly think of a tornado and a nipple twister. I’m not really sure why it’s those two things together but that’s apparently how my train of thought can go.

So I would like to know who the genius was that came up with that naming campaign. Because, he (and yes it has to be a man) deserves a nipple twister. During a tornado. There are so many other things that would be more appealing than twister. Like the other varieties named ridges or ecstasy. Actually, they should have named it ripples. That’s much less menacing. I don’t care how good the box says it will be nothing is coming near my lady regions named twister, thankyouverymuch!

My hubby was far less impressed (horrified) and just walked away while I stared at this box like it was an alien. A woman walking down the aisle with her child gave me a look like I was some kind of sex fiend but whatever.

Maybe she needed some incontinence soap which would mean she had far bigger problems.

Moronic Monday – Pull your pants up and step away from the cow!

This should probably be titled horrifying Monday or sickening Monday but it doesn’t fit the pattern. So, here we are anyway.

If you do some type of sexual act with an animal, is it rape? Apparently in New Jersey it’s not for the simple fact that you can’t ask the animal how it feels about it. A former police officer was arrested after police found a tape of him allowing cows to lick his penis and balls while he videotaped the scene. There aren’t even words to describe my initial reaction to that. I’m just at a loss really.





Robert Melia Jr. was brought before a judge and grand jury to face charges of animal cruelty with the horrifying video as evidence. But the charges were dropped. Why? Because the judge concluded that the prosecutor failed to prove to the jury that the cows were tormented by the acts of the defendant. WHAT THE FUCK?! The judge went on to say that it remained unclear after testimony if the cows were tormented or simply puzzled. Holy hell. Basically, because you can’t ask a cow how it felt after licking this man’s penis it automatically made it not cruelty against animals. Where did this judge get his credentials? Honestly. So when a dog is beaten by its owner it’s not cruelty because the dog can’t turn around and say it was hurt? It’s probably the most backwards ass reasoning of something that I’ve ever heard. That was a shitty judge.

Overall, since all the cows could do was moo, it apparently meant they consented to the whole thing. I think my brain might have just exploded. Also the author of the article I read about this actually called it a “moonlight tryst” and a “one night stand” which is frightening all on its own.

So the man gets away with the cow molestation but hopefully the court will nail him and his girlfriend for molesting three little girls, which was the entire reason they found the cow porn tape to begin with.

What is wrong with people?!

This is really a two for one week since the whole MM concept applies to both the cow molester and the inept judge. What more can you ask for, really?

My week has been awesome. If awesome actually meant craptastic.

My computer is still dying, or at least it's not thrilled about being saved. My hubby will think he beat the virus and all will be fine for a few minutes and then the big 'ha ha sucker' moment comes and it's still not better. He's determined though, so I have to give him that. In the meantime I still can't use it because logging into accounts with my passwords on a computer with a badass virus is just stupid. So I'm still on my hubby's Mac which he hasn't been able to touch since mine crashed because I just can't be without a computer. It's a rule.

Then early this week my standing abilities decided to just abandon me as I managed to fall in my own house doing something that should have been simple. How I managed to fall and injure myself while hanging clothes in a closet is really anyone's guess. It's pathetic really. I walked away with a battle scar in the form of a fast forming bruise on my right leg that is now HUGE. It's currently dark green and lime green with purple blueish spots speckled in. Basically, my leg is an angry rainbow and I look like I lost some seriously weird fight. That I fought with the outside of my thigh. The best part is you can even see the shape of an edge I hit when I fell. It's my first imprint bruise and I can't really say I'm proud. But as my grandmother pointed out, I should be glad I didn't hit my head on something. Instead I can't sit, walk, sleep or basically move in any way without the bruise bitching about it.

On a better note, some of our 2010 plans are on the path to becoming reality. I still can't share exactly what they are yet but once I can I will spill all the details. One thing in particular took a huge step forward this week thanks to Hubby and hopefully soon it will be a full on reality. Positive thoughts!

I will be taking on the closet in another battle this weekend when we paint the inside and install new shelves and rods. Perhaps I should get some sports gear in preparation. Except I would probably hurt myself putting it on. Hell, if I can't handle a closet in normal clothing what chance do I have in a few pounds of padding? Maybe I should just get a bubble.

Apparently my 'little miss graceful' days are coming back to haunt me.

Moronic Monday - My computer is trying to kill itself!

As I write this, my hubby is desperately trying to revive my computer, which has decided it no longer wants to live. The end of last week it started acting kind of funny but the full on crash came Saturday afternoon. Out of the blue my screen went green with a black box in the center warning that it was infected. Then everything went to hell in a hand basket.

Since then I haven't been able to use it at all. It's been in my hubby's hands with scans and programs running to save it while I use his Mac that I hate. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with his computer, I just like mine. I know where I have things saved and like my system. Basically I'm like an old person that doesn't like straying from my norm.

I've been telling my hubby that my computer is my crack. Although I've never had any real type of addiction and never tried drugs, this is what I imagine a crack addiction would be like without the high and legal problems. I absolutely HATE my computer (because it hates me and pulls this kind of crap) but I can't live without it. The second I can't have it at my finger tips or it won't work properly I get all aggravated and feel a little lost. As sad as that is. That's essentially the definition of an addiction, I can't live without it but I can't stand it either. Ugh.

So because my computer is having surgery the real Moronic Monday is on hold. I can't really access my usual stuff to write it so here I am on my hubby's laptop. Let's all hope he can save it without me losing any of my stuff. I have too much music, too many pictures and far too many documents saved to lose everything without backups. I've had to do it before and do not want to be there again.

Fingers crossed people!

A new year, a new decade and new plans!

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you were able to ring in the new year in a positive way no matter how you celebrated. For us, it was a simple night in which seems to be a recurring theme. We’re not drinkers or partiers so those type of scenes aren’t fun. A couple years we’ve gone out to a show or event but we also enjoy just cuddling at home. We ate pizza, popped in some movies and watched the ball drop at midnight. Simple? Yes. But it worked for us.

I’m still a little amazed we celebrated entering 2010 since it feels like we just did this for 2009 like 3 months ago. I’m really not sure where the whole year went! I think we spent so many months (8 in total) hunting and waiting for our house that it sort of swallowed up 2009. We were basically in limbo for most of it. Our life went on hold in the beginning of February and started moving again the first week of October. But now that we’re settled in our house we can enter the new year ready to start fresh!

As for our new plans, we seem to have plenty! We never call them New Year resolutions but the concept is basically the same. Quite a few have to do with the house as I’m sure no one is surprised about. There’s always something to do, fix, or change with a house so that list has been growing since we moved in. One I’m looking forward to is new windows! The ones we have now are well past their prime and are so drafty. Many we could never leave open as they would fall out of the tracks due to some of the clips being broken. It will be so nice to have efficient, functional and nice looking windows. I cannot wait! Another is a new dishwasher since our current one has decided it’s a good idea to leak each time it runs, which is just so much fun.

Besides the house, we have plans to add a dog to our little family! I’m not sure exactly when this will happen but I’ll share pictures and info when it does. Our plan is to adopt an adult dog from a local shelter or rescue. Although puppies are adorable and fun it’s great saving a dog and giving it life it might not otherwise had. A lot of the time they almost seem to know they were saved. Some people call that foolish but many who rescued a dog in some way would agree. I’m looking forward to having a little fur-baby sometime soon since we were unable to due to the no pet policy at our apartment.

We also have a couple other plans that I can’t share yet but I will once they come through. Hopefully it will be very soon sometime in the next few months!

I’ll be back on my normal routine next Monday now that the holidays are over and things will be getting back to normal. I hope everyone had a great holiday season with whatever you celebrate. Ours were great minus the blizzard we had before Christmas that dumped 15 inches of snow. That was a mess and a half!

Thanks for finding and sticking with me much of 2009. It’s been lots of fun and hopefully will be even better this year! I love reading all of your comments and emails so keep them coming!

2010 here we come!