I think I was born in the wrong century or possibly I’m possessed.

Me: “Um, Hun? Something’s wrong with the shredder.”

Husband: (From the other room) “Oh god. What?”

Me: “It won’t do anything. It won’t even go in reverse.”

Husband: Sighs “What did you do?”

Me: “Nothing! I just put the paper in and it stopped halfway through. It’s supposed to be able to shred paper. That’s why they named it a paper shredder.”

He messed with it for a several minutes before dropping it into the garbage.

Husband: “Well, you killed it. Good job.”

Me: “It’s not my fault it couldn’t handle its own job.”

Husband: “You always manage to kill electronics no matter what it is.”

Me: “I don’t kill them. They just break.”

Husband: “Ok, how about the TV a couple months ago? Or the fact that we’ve gone through 3 DVD players in the last year. I won’t even get started on you and computers.”

Me: “The TV just died and I’m pretty sure it was natural causes. The DVD player thing was just a fluke.”

Husband: Laughs “I see you conveniently left out the computers part.”

Me: “Well, technically only one died the rest just went all crazy and I didn’t kill it. It killed itself. I didn’t fry it from the inside out; it did that all on its own!”

I don’t admit it all that often but electronics do tend to mysteriously die/kill themselves around me a lot more often then it seems to happen to other people. I really don’t do stupid things with them, it just happens naturally which is probably even worse. That computer really did fry from the inside out but I wasn’t even touching it. I was actually on the other side of the room when it started growling at me and then it sounded like it was trying to be a helicopter wanting to take off. Seconds later it was dead silent and never functioned again. Not my fault. He gets really nervous when I use his laptop. It sometimes just gives up on me for no reason or flat out refuses to acknowledge I opened it at all. It works perfectly fine for him though. He frequently tells me to just stay away from it claiming it’s innocent and doesn’t deserve to die yet. Whatever. As for the DVD player thing, I have no idea what happened. They died one right after another and before we knew it we had to go buy a new one. I like to think it was just a coincidence that two of the three died when I was the only one home. Our current one is doing just fine though and I use it pretty often, so there.

My husband thought I killed his brand new cell phone last week and I still swear I was totally innocent. He had bought it that day and it had been perfectly fine with him at work. When he got home he handed it to me to look at/play with. It wasn’t in my hand more then a few seconds before it went to a striped blue screen. I hadn’t even touched a single button yet! I made a face at what it was doing and he instantly started to worry. He was like, “What? What did you do?!” I think it just got too excited like when some puppies make a little piddle when they meet someone new. It was totally fine after he shut it off and turned it back on again. He didn’t let me near it for the rest of the night though.

I couldn’t live without most of today’s technology, especially computers but it’s like I was never meant to use them. My family always joked that I kill all things electronic but my hubby never believed it until we started living together. Now he’s just as convinced as they are that they drop like flies around me. Sometimes he says he wishes he could just keep me away from all the electronics in the house plus the knives and stove since I wasn’t meant to be in the kitchen either. Thankfully I’ve never killed a microwave despite it being the kitchen appliance I use the most. We’re getting a brand new washer/dryer set when we move into the house so let’s all hope they don’t die on me too. If they do, my husband just might take me back to the Stone Age because I can’t do much damage there. Actually, I probably could still manage. I can even picture it, “What the hell?! You broke the cave!”

It’s amazing I can even type this without some catastrophic computer malfunction.

Moronic Monday – The Wii is more powerful than drugs.

Florida police recently taught drug dealers around the world an important lesson in case they ever find themselves in the midst of a drug raid. Always have a working Nintendo Wii around. Oh and it helps to have Wii bowling on hand as well, they apparently can’t resist that. It totally renders them useless at their job.

The sad thing is this actually worked and the drug dealer involved didn’t even try. Florida drug enforcement officers had been watching this man for a while and even went undercover. After working on making their case they got their magical warrant and descended on the dealer’s home. I basically picture them going in all SWAT team like, just the way we see it the movies. You know, more or less. I think the thought process went a little something like this, “FREEZE! Keep your hands up. You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. .. Hey, a Wii! Here, hold my gun I gotta try this! Yes! I got a strike man!” Or however they talk. The funniest (and saddest) thing about this was it wasn’t just one cop that had an attention problem, but a whole group of them joined in instead of doing their actual job, you know the find and pack up the drug evidence part. Hello?! It’s like they saw the Wii game and completely forgot why they burst into the house with their guns and vests on in the first place. Maybe this is how they normally dress to go bowling.

Best part of all though, the guy they were supposed to be making a case against was paranoid (well, duh). He had cameras set up inside his house and they were recording the entire time. So not only did this idiotic group of cops play a video came instead of actually doing their little raid but it was all caught on camera. Of course the video made it online and I have it for you to watch below.

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Did you happen to notice one of the officers jumping very excitedly after a good shot? Can you believe this person was doing this inside a wanted drug dealer’s house when they were supposed to be bagging evidence? Did you also happen to hear that the raid took 9 hours to complete because they were so busy bowling? They literally played for hours! Some reports even said some of the officers would be in the middle of cataloging evidence then put it down to take their turn at the game. I heard a saying once, “If both hands are involved in something, then your brain should be too.” Maybe they should have that printed on their t-shirts and vests instead of Florida PD. Oh, did I mention their epic long drug raid/police bowling contest cost the city $4,000 to complete? Yeah, those tax payers are thrilled.

The kicker though is that they never actually found any drugs in the house, instead they confiscated guns, TVs, video cameras and the computer the footage above was stored on. Of course you would expect that the superiors to these officers would have immediately denounced their behavior right? Well, no not exactly. The county sheriff called the bust, “brilliant police work”. Maybe he meant the bowling scores and not the actual raid. I guess we can only hope.

A story that was just too perfect for the new Moronic Mondays. Maybe next week the coast guard will go for a leisurely swim instead of patrolling the waters.

Moronic Mondays are coming!

Even though the completely random nature of this blog is part of what makes it so fun for me, I’ve decided to add a little bit of structure. Like many others, I’m making a new weekly installment that I can count on. So many blogs out there have “wordless Wednesdays” which I don’t quite understand since when I come here to post I usually have plenty to say. It seems like so many blogs use Wednesday in general so I thought it would be better to focus on a totally different day. What better day then Monday? No one seems to have much love for Mondays since they usually feel pretty yucky having to let go of one weekend and being so far from the next. So, instead of dreading Mondays I’m going to make them fun by posting about some crazy idiotic story that I might come across.

My new weekly post is going to be called “Moronic Mondays”, which means no matter what else happens here during the week I will always have this on schedule. Not much else is changing so you’ll still find the random posts about whatever pops in my head like you do now. Those won’t be going anywhere and I hope to post every 3 days or so, on top of the new weekly ones. As for what will be on your screen each Monday, it could be anything from news stories or things people say/do that I happen to find. There seems to be never ending supply of just plain stupid things people do and say, so I should always have something to share.

My first post will be this coming Monday (the 28th) so keep an eye out! I hope everyone has fun with it, I know I will!

See you on the new Moronic Monday!

Men will wish they had a penis like the banana slug, but will quickly change their mind.

Men of the world, do you like your penis? Don’t actually answer that question because I really don’t want to know but you can think it to yourself if you wish. I would be willing to bet that at some point in your life you wished it was bigger because somewhere along the way you became convinced bigger is always better. If you think this, then you are wrong. See, I’m here to fix you and your wives/girlfriends will thank me. Assuming bigger is always better works for a bowl of ice cream or bouquet of roses but not for this particular part of your anatomy (most of the time anyway). After a certain point you might as well try to park a bus inside a one car garage which would just be horrible for everyone. Anyway, I would like you to meet the Banana slug.

Flirting.

This lowly little creature has a pretty shitty life in the grand scheme of things especially since its only 8 inches long. It also happens to have an 8 inch penis which it would probably be pretty happy about although I just foresee back problems but whatever. Before the men get too excited at this (pun, I know – moving on) I should probably tell you that it’s shaped like a corkscrew. They also happen to be hermaphrodites, so they’re male and female at the same time. Apparently they’re against masturbation, just like the bible, so they insist on trading sperm with another Banana slug, which also has a penis. In a nut shell, they leave a smelly streak of slime to attract another slug. Then they eat the slime for a while (uh, ew) before they wrap around each other and trade sperm. After all that fun they then chew each others penis off. Are the men still here or are they on the floor in the fetal position crying?

Since they have a corkscrew of a penis it gets all tangled on the other Banana slug’s penis during their sperm trading party. That’s when they chew them off because they’re problem solvers. After that’s over they go off on their merry way laying eggs all over the place and then abandoning them. They’re horrible parents and even worse sexual partners, clearly. Once they’re done laying eggs they start to grow another penis. They basically look at it the way we do a haircut. They flaunt it, use it and then chop it off only to let it grow back in later except they don’t sit in a chair being pampered and sipping coffee, they instead let their mate rip it off their body. If this is how humans were, we would have died off a long time ago because every man I’ve ever met would rather die then let anyone come near their penis with something sharp. I can see the men cringing from here.

Some researchers also believe that if a Banana slug finds a mate that happens to be smaller then its own penis length, the smaller of the two will chew off some of the large penis until it fits. It would be like a human man having a penis as long as he is tall that would tower over his head and that’s seriously creepy. Then whatever woman he’s with chopping it down to size since he would never find a woman with a 6 foot deep vagina. It’s like an extreme circumcision done on an adult except they would feel everything and then be expected to perform right afterwards. Like I said, humans would have gone extinct.

Of course there’s always that one show off in the group trying to out do all the others. Scientists found a Banana slug that was 6 inches in body length but was sporting a 32.5 inch corkscrew penis. That’s over 5 times its own body length! Chewing that thing off must have taken forever.

So the lesson to all the men of the world is be happy the woman in your life accepted your penis for what it is because the alternative is her coming at you with a meat cleaver in the bedroom. To show your gratitude, go buy a huge bouquet of roses since bigger is always better. ;-)

PS. This is the kind of shit you get when I’m still awake at 6:30am and have access to a computer.

Cosmo magazine thinks we’re all acrobats or gymnasts and I think they’re freaking nuts!

Dear Cosmo Magazine/ Sex Advice Department,

I’ve been reading Cosmo for years and I honestly have no clue why anymore. I’ve never really come away learning anything from your numerous (stupid) articles about how the color of a man’s shirt shows how serious he is about commitment or the way he eats says how he’ll be in bed or some weird shit like that. It makes no damn sense! I think all of your editors and writers sit around saying, “what kind of stupid shit can we convince them of this month?”

What the hell is up with your new “Sex Position of the Day” thing on your site? You copied the word of the day concept but instead of teaching anyone something useful it’s like you’re trying to kill all your readers or at least land them in the ER with a horrible story to tell. I think you do it on purpose so those same people can later write in for the embarrassing story section and it becomes a never-ending cycle. Oh and who the hell came up with your “carnal challenge” ratings? Have you ever actually attempted the stuff you recommend because if you have then you must be an Olympic gymnast that has no business telling us how easy it is. You should just stick with your hurdles or trapeze and stop trying to contort our lives! And if you’re not a circus gymnast then you’re just insane and should smack yourself in the head with 5 copies of your magazine, while you’re in one of your idiotic positions.

The first one I saw was called, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

Description: “Lie facedown on the bed, then scoot your body forward so your head and torso hang over the side, your palms on the floor supporting your weight. Your man crawls over you and enters from behind, his legs between yours. He can hold onto your hips for leverage to allow him to keep his head and shoulders raised high instead of resting on your back. Your bodies will form a sideways Y for Yes!”

I have an answer for you, NO NO and NO! This messed up excuse for pleasure looks like he’s trying to crack her back while pretending to be a performing seal. All you need is a ball on his nose and we’re magically at the circus all over again. I’m half expecting him to clap like a seal except he would then fall and break his face all while the girl is passed out from the massive blood rush to her head and the pain from her now broken spine.

It keeps getting worse though because when I clicked the next button, it told me I should now try the one called, “The Head Over Heels.”

Description: “Start by lowering yourself to your knees and crossing your arms on the ground in front of you, using a pillow to cushion your elbows. Stick your butt in the air and rest your head on your arms, bracing it on the floor if you need to. Tell your man to stand behind you and lift your legs up by your ankles until your body is almost perpendicular to the floor. Keep your knees bent and have him enter from behind.”

Screw you Cosmo. Is this one a joke? Seriously? I want to know because I can’t even almost picture anyone being like, “honey, do you feel like pretending you’re screwing a wheelbarrow tonight?” Have you even noticed how much this resembles a guy having way too much fun with his yard tool? I can’t be the only one that sees it. That’s not mentioning the fact that this has to be one of the most uncomfortable looking positions I think I’ve ever seen. This is freaking insane! Once again you have a girl who has passed out from the blood rush and a concussion from her head being slammed into the floor, plus a guy that look as if he’s playing dirty landscaper.

Your sex advice is just evil. My husband doesn’t find it sexy when I’m contorted like a pretzel because it makes him want to get me to a chiropractor or neurosurgeon. Plus he finds sex with an unconscious person much too close to sex with a dead person and that’s just horrible.

My advice is to stop letting crazy acrobats write your articles that may or may not have ever had sex themselves because if they did they would know how stupid some of these suggestions really are and then they would just smack their head into a wall for even writing. Oh and if you look at the woman in the “Head Over Heels” picture, her boob is actually falling off. Go back and look if you don’t believe me because it’s obvious whoever makes these things has never actually seen a naked woman before.

You should require anatomy classes for all writers and graphic designers before trying to depict, you know, freaking anatomy!

-LB, The non-contortionist

Sex toy makers are now trying to cash in on necrophilia.

I’m creeped out that this even exists for me to write about. The sad part is although I find it beyond creepy I’m not all that surprised. This is the kind of world we live in people, a very weird world. Oh and this is totally not safe for work so consider yourself warned!

Have you heard of Twilight? That was probably a dumb question. Anyway, everyone knows it’s about a vampire and a human girl that fall in love and um that’s basically it. I’ve never read the books or seen the movie so I don’t know the little details but I know enough that makes me never want to know the rest. I do know that teen girls go absolutely gaga over the cast though. Apparently a sex toy company saw the insane obsession with the series and a hole in the market they decided was up to them to fill. Ready for this? They made a vampire inspired dildo. And they named it “The Vamp”. I couldn’t even attempt to make this shit up. Here’s the picture to prove it:

See? It’s a dildo that is supposed to be like what a vampire’s penis would be. Not just any type of vampire though but specifically a Twilight vampire. Apparently the vampires from Twilight sparkle. Yes, they sparkle. I don’t have the faintest idea why but that’s one of the unique things about them, I guess. So this company made their toy sparkle to make it more “real”. I told you this was weird. Did you happen to notice the color? It’s not your computer screen playing tricks on you. They purposely made it look like it could be on a walking dead corpse. Seriously! The company even says, “..a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deadly pale flesh tone..” What the fuck is THAT about? Do people really get off on using a death colored dildo? According to this company they do. WEIRD!

They don’t stop there though. For the people who want this thing, having it look like sparkly death (I can’t believe I even typed that) isn’t enough. No, they had to take it a step further. I couldn’t possibly say it any better then the company did themselves so here is exactly what they wrote in the product description:

“Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.” You should read that at least 3 times to get the full scope of how horrible of a statement it really is.

They literally designed the toy to be placed in the refrigerator so that the customer could get off using a dildo that not only looks dead but FEELS dead. Not only that but they believe it to be an authentic experience as if you could really just walk outside and screw a vampire all in his sparkle glory. What the hell?! It’s screwed up on at least 7 different levels. Probably more. They also go on to say, “..don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking The Vamp out in the sunlight and watch it sparkle.” Not only are they condoning playing with necrophilia dildos but they’re encouraging people to do so in public, in daylight!

This horror of a product can be yours for a mere $40. Apparently sparkly dead sex doesn’t come cheap. The feels like sparkly death penis toy can be found here. (In case you just have to see for yourself.)

PS. I was nominated for an award by a new follower and it’s a total first! I’m supposed to post a whole thing about it and nominate other people but I couldn’t resist writing this post so I’ll do it later. Thanks Zen Mama!

PPS. I had to re-ad the picture of The Vamp since photobucket deleted the other one because they found it just as disturbing as I did. Actually, it violated their terms of service which I think means basically the same thing. All is fine now.

PPPS. Is it really strange that this is probably my favorite post ever?

If I believed in omens, I would be worried right now.

I’ve finally decided to give in and start packing although the entire idea totally stresses me out. I detest moving mostly because we did it so often when I was younger. I hate the idea of watching my life be reduced to a cardboard box. The only fun part is getting the new home but it’s short lived when the cardboard boxes follow you and now you have to put your entire life back together. It’s a like some screwed up life sized jigsaw puzzle and I’ve never liked puzzles. I’m also an obsessive labeler to the point where pretty much everything in the box is written on the outside. My husband thinks it’s crazy since his idea of labeling is “kitchen,” and mine is an actual list of what things from the kitchen are hiding behind the brown boxes from hell. Basically, I’ve banned him from labeling at all.

Even though we don’t have a set closing date yet and we’re still waiting for proof of termite treatment (from 3 years ago) from the owner that the inspector is demanding I’ve decided to let the what-ifs go and start packing the non-essentials. This means our office/guest bedroom because there’s nothing all that important to daily life in there. Well, except some paperwork but that can easily find a new home in the meantime.

Once I agreed to start packing is when the omen-if-there-were-such-a-thing came in. We headed out to get some cardboard boxes on Saturday and basically the skies opened up. I don’t mean it sprinkled and we all just ignored it. No, I mean buckets of water came pouring from the sky where if you even thought about opening your car door you were already soaked through to your skin. Not to mention it was also humid so basically it was a bad mood inducing day. So there we are to get cardboard boxes that enjoy disintegrating when wet when monsoon season decided to make an appearance. Did I mention it hasn’t actually rained here in weeks? Yeah, it was fantastic timing and I refused to get out of the car which means only Hubby actually got wet because he refused to use my bright pink umbrella.

Somehow we actually caught a short break in the rain to get them into the car so the trip wasn’t a total loss. It didn’t actually stop raining though; it went from full on monsoon to steady rain. It still wasn’t a good situation but it was better then the alternative we were facing. So after all that we then had to bring the boxes into our apartment and find a place to store them. They’ve been here since then still in the folded state and I haven’t packed a thing. I will, I swear, I just can’t guarantee exactly when that will happen. I’m hoping for tomorrow but don’t hold your breath because you’ll most likely die and I don’t want that on my hands. I also don’t really know where to start even though I’ve narrowed down a room to begin with. That’s another one of my packing issues, I never know what to pack first and it just gives me a headache. So you can picture me standing in our office/guest room looking around wondering what corner to attack first.

Any moving/packing tips? I’m hoping to avoid the stressful side of moving as much as possible so I can enjoy it but I haven’t invented that magic potion yet. If you have, then please send it my way.

Baby names have seriously gone to hell.

Actual conversation from yesterday while reading celebrity 'news'.

Me: "Wow."

Husband: "What?"

Me: "Nicole Ritchie had a baby today. They named him SPARROW."

Husband: "SPARROW? As in a bird?"

Me: "Yeah."

Husband: "Why the hell do these people keep naming their kids incredibly stupid ass names?!"

Me: "Hold on, let me find the whole name again. Okay, it's SPARROW JAMES MIDNIGHT MADDEN."

Husband: "What the fuck?! It's a boy?"

Me: "Yes, it's a boy."

Husband: "What the fuck?! They're seriously setting that kid up to get his ass kicked."

Me: "I think they wanted it to match their daughter, HARLOW. I think that's what it is."

Husband: "HARLOW?"

Me: "Yeah, HARLOW WINTER KATE MADDEN."

Husband: "Really? Damn. What's next, MARROW ZIPPY SPRING?"

Me: "Wow. That's just horrible."

Husband: "And naming your kid after a bird at midnight isn't horrible?"

Me: "Well yeah, it is. I don't know, maybe they really really liked the movie Pirates of the Carribean a little bit too much. You know, as in Jack Sparrow - the hot pirate."

*He rolled his eyes at the hot pirate part.*

Husband: "Okay, fine. I like Forrest Gump and The Dark Knight so lets name our kid GUMP JOKER BUBBA."

Me: "That's even worse then the other name! You scare me sometimes."

Husband: "Well the crap people name their kids scares me."

It scares me too.

The house isn’t going to blow up or collapse so basically it was a good day.

The bank finally decided to accept our offer and it was amazing and totally weird at the same time because they did it by email. Seriously. I didn’t even know banks did anything by email but apparently this is casual enough for them to let our acceptance pop up next to the Viagra spam emails and helping some Nigerian prince who needs a gazillion dollars.

So after that we had to be on top of our deadlines for inspections and appraisals even though the bank didn’t follow theirs. Yesterday was the big day and it was exciting and nausea inducing all at the same time. We showed up and the team of people to judge our house showed up ready to rip it apart. Machines were set up for Radon testing which we still don’t have the answer for yet and the furnace was probed like it was abducted by aliens. Then beams were beaten to death looking for termites and the guy went up on the roof looking like a summer version of Santa. When everything was done we had one report in our hands that said the boiler was old but working fine and could last for a long time but honestly, no one really knows for sure. Then later we got the inspection report by email (notice a pattern here) that listed the things he found wrong but they were all minor which was great but now we still have a list of things that are against codes that we have to fix like an emergency switch for the boiler in the wrong spot and no banister on the basement stairs. We won’t know the appraisal results or Radon levels until sometime next week and I’m running out of patience.

The house was a total mess because the lady who lived there apparently doesn’t understand that when you move out you’re supposed to take all your junk with you. She also doesn’t understand that no one wants all her junk because she’s planning an “indoor yard sale” for the coming weekend. The whole point of a yard sale is it’s supposed to be in the freaking yard. There was also a missing door at the top of the basement stairs that the listing agent tried telling me never existed which was total bullshit. I know for a fact it did because I touched it at our first viewing of the house and the hinges were like right next to her head as she tried telling me there was never a door. Besides the door, everything else was where it was supposed to be so I guess we should be happy. I want the damn door though.

So now we still have to wait to get all the reports in and then wait for the underwriters to make a final decision and wait for the closing date. The waiting never really ends. I haven’t started packing because none of this feels real yet. I keep waiting for someone to pull it out from under us even though everyone says we should be packing by now. I really am an eternal pessimist.

I’ve decided to adopt the view that since the roof isn’t going to fall in, the foundation isn’t going to collapse and the boiler isn’t going to blow the house into tiny pieces then it was a successful inspection. Well, so far anyway.

UPDATE: So I totally love our Radon dude because he picked up the machine this morning and I just got the report (by email - this is so funny) and it's good news! We're no where near the dangerous level at all, so yay it's safe to be inside the house! The level itself is considered low so I'm thrilled. Now we just need the appraisal which we probably won't have until next week sometime.

UPDATE #2: The appraisal report just came in even earlier then we thought! It's good news! It appraised at the amount we needed for the sale. So YAY! Now all the reports are in and being sent to the right people.

Phew! We've seriously gone from a complete standstill to about 70mph in just a few days!