Wait, She Said What?

A swarm of bees came for my birthday.

2010-07-27T15:47:00.002-04:00

It’s that time of year again! No, besides summer. It’s my birthday. Is it weird that I find it slightly strange to be turning 22? Usually I laugh at people when they ask if I feel any different but this year it does seem a little weird. For some reason I never got used to being 21. Not that there’s any special feel to that age either but I very rarely had to even think about how old I was never mind say it, so it still sounds strange to say. Oh well. At least I’m still at the point where I can just be happy with my age instead of where I’ll be 10 years from now and denying it.

Besides the fact that family is coming over tonight and we’re going whale watching this weekend for my birthday (yay whales!) something else came to celebrate. Bees! Yes, those wonderful little creatures decided our house is an awesome place to live. And by wonderful little creatures I really mean evil little pain in the asses. I know our house is nice and we love it, I just had no idea the bees would feel the same way. Specifically about our living room wall. They found a small crevice and moved themselves right in.

As for what kind of bees they are, the collective guess is they’re yellow jackets. Although we’ve gone from yellow jackets to wasps to hornets to carpenter bees back to yellow jackets. Honestly, we really have no idea what they are except that they are living in our wall and are very enthusiastically unwanted. So we decided to be good DIYers and take care of it with store bought spray. When they barely even twitched at the first one my hubby tried again. And again it didn’t work. After a third spray and still the bees were buzzing around we gave in and called a pest control company. We should have just started there.

Besides being bees with good taste (ignore the toot of my own horn) and apparently bionic since they can survive sprays made to kill them, they also have stage fright. When the pest control guy showed up I led him to the hole and we waited. Even though they always flying around especially near my head not a single one was to be found. He then returned to his car to get his little mirror one arrived and entered the hole. It was the one and only bee that surfaced while he was here and it was when he wasn’t looking. Of course! It’s like the little things knew their killer had arrived and stayed away. Stupid bees. So based on my description and where they made their nest he said they were more than likely yellow jackets but he can’t know for sure without seeing them.

So in two days they will be returning with their killer dust that will be blown into the wall and kill the bees. He said the entire nest will be killed off within three days of the dust being deployed. Yay! I’m not a big fan of sharing my home with bees. They can consider this their eviction notice.

I was molested by a spider.

2010-07-11T19:36:00.003-04:00

Are spiders supposed to be smart? Can they tell who exactly in the room despises them the most and then decide to attack them? Am I giving them too much credit? I ask because two nights ago I was sitting on our living room couch with the hubby and my brother. I hate, despise and fear spiders. The other two don’t really seem to care about them either way. Then there was the spider. I don’t know where it came from or how long it was there. Probably not long since I kind of sorta have radar for them and usually spot their location even when no one else seemed to notice. All I know was out of the entire house it decided the spot on the ceiling above our couch was a prime location. And it also decided I was the one it was looking for and not the other two warm bodies on the couch.

Before I had a chance to spot it and sick one of the men to kill it, the spider dropped. ON ME! Welcome to my biggest fear. A spider dropping and/or finding a way to touch me is a thought that can send me running from a room from even the tiniest of spiders. It makes my skin crawl and my insides scream just writing this. Anyway, the spider decided to make my fear a reality. Did it land on my head? No. My lap? Nope. It landed on my chest and scurried down my FREAKING shirt. Yes, I was molested by a spider in my very own house and somehow lived to tell about it. It’s a miracle. Or an overreaction but who’s really keeping score?

The second I felt it hit my skin I knew what it was without even seeing it. No I don’t mean I knew it was a bug. I mean I KNEW it was a spider because this is my life and what else would really drop on me of all people? Exactly. I screamed, jumped off the couch and proceeded to claw my own chest to get it off. It’s actually amazing I didn’t rip my shirt off which my brother is very appreciative for. So I guess even in pure panic my brain still had enough sense not to strip. Thank God for that. However what my brain couldn’t do was register pain since I scratched the hell out of my skin to get the spider away as fast as possible and had no idea I was attacking myself. I didn’t draw blood but I was pretty damn close.

The second the spider was out of my shirt and I saw it fly back towards the couch I ran to the opposite side of the room and hyperventilated. My hubby did a little dance to get off the couch since in my panic I sort of threw the spider at him. Sorry babe! He killed it of course and then stared in awe at the scratches on my chest. Honestly? It sort of looked like I was attacked by some poltergeist like in haunting movies except I did it to myself while conscious and still hadn’t even felt anything. That came a few minutes later and it stung like hell. A little while later, after my breathing returned to normal and I convinced myself to sit on the couch again a disturbing realization hit. That evil little pervert of a spider?

It got to second base with me.

Yup. This is my life people. You can’ even almost make this shit up.

When you saw Avatar, did you think of giant Smurfs too?

2010-07-05T11:27:00.001-04:00

Think him. Only taller. And no clothes.

So, we just saw Avatar for the first time this weekend. I know. We’re so behind everyone else. But I wasn’t in any big rush to see a movie the whole country was orgasming over just because ‘they’ said I should. It’s a movie, it can wait. Anyway, we eventually watched it mostly because we were able to get it as a free rental. Clearly, we didn’t try very hard to see it but oh well. Not knowing much about the movie going in except that it’s all people talked about at the time and it had something to do with blue people and was in 3D when it came out, we jumped in hoping to love it. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was far too distracted by the movie to really enjoy it.

Granted, the technology they used in the movie was pretty cool. Some of the computers and systems made my hubby come close to drooling but the whole linking ones brain up to something else and living as it is more creepy than cool to me, but whatever. My problem was the Navi people, or however you spell that just reminded me of Smurfs. I know that’s probably a huge jump but I was like “oh. We have giant Smurfs running around mostly naked. Weird.” Then next thing I know they started hissing at each other. So then I was like, “um, they’re part vampire now too?” It was at about that point that my hubby just laughed and said, “I think this movie is a little lost on you if that’s what you’re thinking about.” And honestly? Probably. But they even had little fang teeth and were hissing when they were mad so it was like Smurfs meets Twilight or something.

See? Blue vampire.

Then a bunch of things happened and somehow I was suddenly watching a war action movie in the middle of everything which was sad since one side had machine gun things and the others had wimpy arrows. I thought the weirdness was over until Grace was shot during an escape to go become a fake but sort of real blue person in the mountains. The blue people had to save her. Them and their God spirit person tree thing.

That’s when the orgy happened.

They all sat on the ground around their magical tree and linked to each other through their hair that looked more like tails and then gyrated all together while moaning and chanting. When I said it looked like a big nature orgy my hubby just laughed at me which didn’t really tell me if he agreed or just thought I was crazy. They did it twice actually with only the second one being successful. What makes a successful nature blue people orgy? Out of body experiences where you just move into another body. No really. That’s what they were trying to do. Plus, the human in the middle of it had to be naked and I have no idea why. That’s just how they do it. I guess.

Also? The giant Smurf vampires were also a lot like penguins. The blue people apparently have to mate under the magical tree for their ancestors to watch which to me just sounded like a big voyeur party. But once they did that they were mated for life. Just like penguins. It was a big ball of sweet and creepy all at the same time. But I guess even after you mate for life it’s still totally okay to abandon your for life partner to be blown up by the sky people because you’re having a mood swing. Which means penguins are better.

Going to a fireworks warehouse with two pyros is sort of like going to a crack house with crack addicts. I’m guessing.

2010-06-22T17:19:00.002-04:00

What happens in your house when the 4th of July is approaching? Cook out plans? Mega food shopping? Maybe even some decorating? Well, we do all that too. But we also indulge in flaming toys that make a really big boom. Totally normal right? Yeah, didn’t think so. But it happened anyway.

This past Saturday my hubby, brother and I took a 3 hour drive to New Hampshire to a large fireworks warehouse. But we didn’t go there to buy sparklers and little ground spark fountains, the kind that were just recently made legal in my little state. No, we went there to buy 500 gram cakes that shoot full blooms into the air and make a lot of noise. Yes, we’re having full aerials on the 4th and we currently have 3 cakes worth plus some individual shots affectionately called Predator. Basically, we bought the exact opposite of what are now considered legal fireworks. Our pile is pictured below.

Ignore the crap in the background, it was the microwave packaging.

Probably overboard but I can guarantee my hubby would tell you he wants more. This is what he has been thinking about since we started house hunting early last year. He knew right away he wanted to have a cook out and set off what he called ‘real’ fireworks and has been planning this for months. He probably would have bought more if we hadn’t just purchased 4 appliances a couple weeks ago. Personally, I would rather have the appliances but maybe I’m slightly biased since I use the kitchen and won’t be playing with the flaming boxes. Although I did pick out a small box that I don’t even know what it will do, all I know is whatever it shoots out will be pink which was enough for me. They named it Pink Diamonds which is just an adorable name for a firework. Pink isn’t exactly in line with the patriotic red, white and blue but we have plenty of that too.

The sales people there loved them since the prices of the cakes didn’t even faze them and my hubby gave a simple, “sure, throw it in” when they would show us different items. That’s how we ended up with that pile. Most of it was suggested and they just went with it. I assure you hubby doesn’t normally shop this way but a pyro in a fireworks warehouse is sort of like a dog standing in front of a huge plate of bacon. Just can’t help themselves.

Next year? They already plan to go bigger and we haven’t even launched the ones sitting in our basement yet. Also? Our neighbors will probably hate us. Although I know we won’t be the only ones since the entire state including the police department are confused about the new fireworks law. It clearly says only handheld and ground fireworks are now legal but yet it’s still a big mystery to people about what is and is not legal. Several police departments have flat out admitted they don’t know what the law is. Fantastic law enforcement people we have huh? Very impressive.

We also already had a major idiot strike only days after the fireworks law was passed, although it probably would have happened anyway but people are always looking for something to blame. A man from out of state was staying in a local hotel and decided it would be a good idea to set off fireworks in his hotel room including roman candles. The entire hotel was evacuated and his room was completely scorched. Serious dumbass.

You know, I probably shouldn’t tell hubby and my brother that I compared them to dogs and crack addicts. Might not find it quite as funny as I do.

Update on my disaster of a kitchen and our battle with Lowe’s.

2010-06-16T16:08:00.005-04:00

I sort of have my kitchen back. More specifically I have a dishwasher that is where it belongs and works. What a concept huh? The plumber was able to do what he was hired to do and after running new water lines and capping off old ones he was able to install the new dishwasher to set us free from washing everything in the sink. All for the same amount we spent on the dishwasher itself. Oh joy.

The microwave still isn’t in yet since we could barely even access part of our kitchen with the mess that was going on and the plumbing issues were more important. Hopefully that will happen pretty soon too since it’s annoying not having it. I never realized how much we rely on our microwave until it’s been just sitting in my dining room in a box. Plus staring at a hole above the stove isn’t exactly appealing. Speaking of the stove, that thing is awesome! Look at my new best friend!

The two ovens make cooking multiple things at different temperatures a breeze. Plus having a flat cook top is now my favorite thing in the world. Our old stove still had those coils that were no longer level so things would gather to one side of the pan and cooking evenly was a serious trick. Now there’s no more pan rocking and everything is even and cooks faster. I’m in love.

As for our battle with Lowe’s, we can officially declare it over. We didn’t hear from a senior manager until after we put in a complaint with the district office. Only three hours later we received two phone calls from a store manager who suddenly seemed very eager to speak with us. He claimed that our report had been marked resolved which was why we never heard from him. He also claimed that there were no notes about a manager we spoke with on the first day who was extremely rude so he had no idea that conversation even happened. Whatever, we would have never heard from him if he hadn’t received a call from his district manager.

Anyway, to try to resolve the situation and leave us with good feelings about their store, they’re sending us a $200 gift card. It’s appreciated and obviously we’ll return to the store and use it, but I can’t guarantee we’ll always turn to Lowe’s for our household purchases in the future. Before this, we automatically went to Lowe’s for everything from seed and stone to appliances and painting items. Now, because of everything that happened and the fact that the store dragged it out for literally a week we probably won’t be as loyal to their company. That might change over time but as of right now that’s how we feel.

We still have two holes in our basement ceiling from where we had to cut to access the leaking water line.

Aren’t they pretty? I literally groan each time I go downstairs for something and have to see them. It’s never fun seeing holes where they don’t belong. I hate them. But they’ll be fixed soon too. Our washing machine is also good to go. The recall fix literally took the GE guy less than 2 minutes. All he had to do was put a cover over the wire so that if it ever broke it wouldn’t come in contact with the metal tub. It’s running as we speak as I attempt to catch up on laundry. I’ll be climbing laundry mountain for the next couple days. If I’m not back in a few days call in the search party.

PS: The things you guys say in the comments just makes me love you all! Saying you'll boycott a store on my behalf or that I should have been able to punch someone in the nuts are the kind of thing that make this blog soooooo worth it! You're awesome.

Shit hit the fan. Then the fan exploded.

2010-06-13T22:48:00.001-04:00

Have you ever had just one of those weeks? Of course you have. We’re having one of them. Only it’s lasting longer than a week. And it just keeps on growing. Something that should have been simple and pretty straight forward turned into the biggest cluster fuck that still hasn’t been straightened out. And honestly? I have no idea when it will be. It SHOULD be Tuesday but who really knows. It was supposed to be fine for last Wednesday. Then Thursday. Then Friday would be the magic day. And you get the picture.

First, we decided to buy new appliances. Goodbye old slowly dying white things and hello beautiful stainless steel! I was thrilled especially since we were buying them all at once so I wouldn’t have to stare at mismatched ones for a while. So we went to the store found what we wanted and sort of fell in love with a stove. It has TWO ovens people! Awesome! We ordered the microwave, dishwasher and stove. We planned to order the fridge the following week since we had to remove a cabinet that would be in the way. We placed the order for delivery and installation and went home ready to have an updated kitchen. This is pretty much where the fun ended. Now we enter into a world of stress.

A couple days later the truck showed up with my pretty new toys waiting inside. The delivery men had a surprise for me though. They weren’t going to install anything, just deliver. That’s right; they were just ‘dropping off’ our new appliances. So they put the stove in its spot and left the new microwave and dishwasher sitting in the middle of my kitchen still in the original boxes. Why? Because the sales person we bought from didn’t put in for installation. Even though we told him that was what we wanted and expected. Fucking hell!

We called Lowe’s (where we bought the appliances) and the salesperson claimed we told him we wanted to install them ourselves. HELL NO! Hubby doesn’t do plumbing. It’s not his thing. He is amazing with a lot things but plumbing is not one he even wants to do. Ever. We never had even remotely close to a conversation with this guy where we said we would do anything ourselves. Actually, we told him flat out that we wanted them installed and the old ones hauled away. The guy apparently only half listened. Then he decided to blame us for the whole thing. Asshole.

So what did they say when we said they needed to send someone out for installation? Said the earliest they could do was the following Monday. It was Wednesday! The big problem with that was we had no hot water since the old dishwasher was unhooked. I know that sounds weird but whoever originally hooked up a dishwasher in this house the first time, did it wrong. Big surprise. The hot water line was hooked up separately from the lines under the sink and the only turn off valve to that line had been dry walled over in the basement ceiling. So the only way to turn off that pipe was directly at the hot water heater. Which meant Lowe’s expected us to have no hot water for literally almost a week. So NOT happening.

So we had a plumber come out Friday to install the dishwasher even though it would cost more just so we could have a functioning kitchen and house. Except that didn’t happen. Turns out the hot water line to the dishwasher isn’t only wrong but was leaking. Awesome huh? It was beyond repair and needed to be replaced. Instead we’re having them re-run the line through the cabinets to connect under the sink where they should have been to begin with so it won’t be hidden behind dry wall anymore. Best of all though? In order to have hot water back in the house we had to cut a hole in the dry wall in the basement ceiling to get to the turn off valve for the leaking pipe. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Because of the size of the job the plumber couldn’t do the rerunning of the pipes that day since it was already late afternoon. So the earliest they can come back is Tuesday morning. So we have had hot water all weekend but no dishwasher. It’s still sitting in the kitchen taking up way too much space and getting in the way. Plus there is a huge empty space under the counter where it should be and a hole in the ceiling downstairs. Basically? My house is a fucking mess.

As if that wasn’t enough, something else popped up on Saturday. Turns out our front load washing machine is involved in a recall. What the fuck?! It’s a fire hazard. Apparently some wire inside can break and when it touches the metal tub can cause shocks and catch on fire. It’s happened to 7 different people already. So now we can’t use the washing machine until Tuesday afternoon when GE comes out to repair it. Literally one thing after another.

Lowe’s is being total assholes about the whole thing too. We’ve been told by two different people that we would be hearing from a senior store manager about the problems we had with the sales person and delivery. We were told we would hear from them within 24 hours. That was on Wednesday and we haven’t heard anything. They’re not even trying to right the situation. So when we went out to buy our new fridge, we didn’t go back to Lowe’s. Instead we went to Sears and they even price matched what Lowe’s was offering. We pushed back the delivery date so we could get this mess situated and then remove the cabinet that would be in the way of the new fridge.

It’s safe to say we’ve been pretty stressed. I haven’t even wanted to be in my own house all weekend just so I wouldn’t have to look at the disaster zone that is my kitchen. I know that’s avoidance but hey, whatever works.

Oh and we almost got in an accident last night on our way home from dinner. Some ass in a huge SUV decided he wanted to be in the exact spot of our lane that we were already in. I looked up and there it was within inches of my door. Thankfully my Hubby was able to get us out of it but barely. Scared me so much I actually screamed.

Sigh.

Dear Universe, we could really use a break this week. Thanks.

Scientists are just horny bastards. Or maybe that was just me.

2010-05-17T20:49:00.006-04:00

Remember in science class when there were always one or two immature boys in the back laughing about something dirty that they warped from something simple? They were the same kids that looked up the word sex in the dictionary in third grade. Yeah, I just became one of them, at least for the short moment in the car the other day with the hubby. This isn’t exactly what I dreamed I would be those years ago sitting in class while the teacher talked about something literally no one gave a shit about. Oh well.

We were on our way to a mall (yay shopping!) on a nice but partly cloudy day. I suddenly sound like a weather forecast but you get the picture. Anyway, I looked up and made a passing statement that I could no longer remember the names of the clouds that we were all forced to learn back in school that once again no one really cared about it. I don’t even remember what grade we had to learn them in and clearly they didn’t stick well so really, what did we accomplish? My hubby on the other hand did remember a couple of them and stated that he thought the one in front of us was called a “nimbus cloud.” I paused for a few minutes then the following conversation happened.

Me: “Hmm.”

Hubby: “What? Is that the wrong name?”

Me: “I don’t know. It kind of sounds like a sex toy though.”

Hubby: Laughs. “Wow.”

Me: “What? It does. You could totally name a vibrator or a dildo nimbus”

Hubby: Continues laughing. “You just turned a cloud into a sex toy. That’s not normal.” Pauses. “I think cumulus would be a better name. Stratus would work too.”

Me: Laughs. “Cloud names are perfect for sex toys!”

Hubby: “I never knew clouds were so dirty.”

Me: “It’s the scientists. They’re all just horny bastards.”

Welcome to our life. He had to point out how not normal I was for even having that train of thought but then he jumped right in. Then he told me I should blog about it. People tell us we were made for each other mostly because of conversations like this. I’m not really sure what that says about us, but oh well.

Also, I don’t really know if scientists are all horny bastards but I did have a dirty science teacher in high school that would look down all the girl’s shirts. So really the same thing.

Me vs. Our New Printer (a.k.a. me screwing up technology).

2010-05-11T19:39:00.005-04:00

Despite being a house that’s always buying new electronic thingies and keeping up with the new and improved equipment, we for some reason never bothered to do so with our printer. It’s not like it was just a little old but still chugging along. No, it actually screwed with my head. You know how you’re supposed to be able to put a stack of paper in the tray and the machine feeds itself whenever you tell it to print? Yeah, well that was a luxury our old printer took away. Instead, we would have to hand feed it one sheet at a time in order for anything to be accomplished. You also had to do it just right or it would ignore the paper completely and claim it was all out. Then at random times it would just flash all its lights and basically throw a temper tantrum in the middle of doing a print job and then be like oh, well I have to start all over again. It was basically the diva of the printing world.

Sadly we put up with this for quite a while. I have no idea why. I think we’re just insane because we’ve been holding onto it for at least 6-8 months with it acting this way. Don’t even ask me why because I have no answer. It’s not like we’re attached to it. Actually, I pretty much would tell anyone that would listen just how much I hate the damn thing. I would talk about throwing it out the window and seeing if it can bounce or smashing it with a sledge hammer each time I needed to print something. We would talk about buying a new one and then I guess suffer amnesia and forget about it until the next time we had to print something in a hurry. My only excuse is we don’t really need to print things all that often.

Its stay here has come to an end though. Finally. Last night we were trying to print 10 pages worth of things which is equal to slamming your own head into a wall with that hell of a printer. After getting 7 pages done feeding it one by one and making sure everything printed in the grayscale since it was out of color ink, it had a tantrum. Then after throwing a fit for a couple minutes and ignoring all commands an innocent looking little box popped up saying the job must now restart. Fucking hell! I was so not doing it all again and the hubby took one look at my face which must have resembled either homicidal thoughts or mental breakdown because he announced we were going to the store to buy a new printer. Yippee! Eat that you piece of shit HP printer!

We bought a new shiny Canon printer/scanner/copier machine that is completely wireless. We can put it anywhere and print from anywhere all while sitting on our asses and letting the machine do all the work. It can hold a crap load of paper and keep it out of sight at all times but best of all it can feed itself. That’s pretty much all I cared about so it wasn’t going to take much to impress me. Apparently it has a lot of other features I haven’t bothered to learn about yet because I’m just enjoying the fact that I can print from the couch and it does its job without me having to coax it into working. Such a wonderful thing.

At least it was for the whole 5 minutes it lasted. Now I keep getting a message that says the “printer is not responding”. You have got to be shitting me. Now I have a printer that’s giving me the silent treatment?! Fucking hell. I have no idea what happened. We printed things last night and it went beautifully. I made sure to ask the hubby what I had to do to print things in the future. I did what he said. And it’s not working. I have no idea why and I didn’t do anything. I just hit print like I’m supposed to and the printer is on and says ‘ready’. Just nothing happens. It’s like this one is taking the old ones side. I’m just never meant to print anything apparently.

So I have to wait until the technology whisperer (a.k.a. my hubby) gets home from work and fixes the issues in point 3 seconds. Because that’s how it always goes. Something won’t work for me and I can’t figure out the problem. He just looks at it and it works again. It’s the story of my life.

On a related note, our TV isn’t working. Well, not the TV itself but the Verizon box/DVR thing. It’s just refusing to work. It can turn on and off and I’m getting sound of the channel it’s stuck on but the screen is frozen. I can’t change the channel or get anything to pop up on the screen. It basically ignores me unless I use the power button. It’s been that way since the first time I turned it on today even though it was fine last night.

I just can’t win. Technology and I were not meant to be. I kill all things electronic and it’s all completely accidental. Actually, I never even do anything to them it just happens. Sometimes with me just being in the same room. It’s why I wrote a post called “I think I was born in the wrong century or possibly I’m possessed.” It’s basically this post, only different electronics are involved.

Lets hope I didn’t kill the new printer. Especially since we’ve had it for less than 24 hours.

PS: Turns out our DVR has a bad hard drive that can cause freezing, according to the dude on the phone. So they're overnighting a new one and we have to ship the old one back to them. At least it's fast. It's functioning right now, they were able to reset it but it will only keep happening so it must be replaced.

As for the printer, it's completely fine and we have no clue why it refused to work earlier. It worked fine when my Hubby came home and tried. I don't know why it ignored me though. Who knows.

Why can’t Mother’s Day be on like a Tuesday instead?

2010-05-06T23:49:00.004-04:00

Who decided Mother’s Day should always be on a Sunday? Is there a certain person that decided that for everyone or was it one of those things that just happened? It’s a little inconvenient. It’s a great concept, don’t get me wrong. A day to celebrate the Mom’s of the world, particularly the one(s) in your life. And they deserve it. But why is it on a day when everything is closed, especially florists? Buying flowers is like a massive scavenger hunt around here if you actually want to buy them in person. Of course you can always order online, pay extra fees and have them delivered in a box by some random person. Because who doesn’t enjoy being charged more for the same thing just because they can?

Last year we didn’t really plan ahead which is really unlike me and as a result we almost didn’t get my Mom flowers. Everyone was closed and the ones that weren’t had nothing. We actually found one at the last minute and I had to settle for something I probably wouldn’t have picked if I had a full selection. She loved them of course and they were beautiful. But I wasn’t satisfied. This year will be different! We found a florist that is not only open on Sunday but offered pre-order online to guarantee you would have exactly what you wanted. Perfect! Why don’t more places do that? Seriously?

I guess I just find it surprising that there aren’t more options to buy flowers on Mother’s day somewhere local. Instead you feel almost trapped into using an online service. Have you visited an online flower delivery site lately? I landed on www.Teleflora.com earlier this week and was surprised at how quickly the price shot up. I’ll even show you what happened.

I browsed through the site for a bit and decided that I really liked an arrangement they call “Teleflora’s Sunny Smiles”. I thought my Mom would really like it and clicked the picture which brought up their ‘quick view’ screen. It offered two price options, a standard and a deluxe. The standard was listed at $29.95 and the deluxe at $39.95. All I had to do was provide the delivery zip code and it would be added to my cart. Below is a screen shot of the prices and the one I selected.

I picked the standard for the advertised price and typed in my Mom’s zip code. I clicked continue and was brought to my shopping cart. To my surprise the price had changed. Not only did it increase but without much explanation. I assumed at first it was based on where it’s delivered and for some reason we live in a higher fee area. Then I looked down and found yet another surprise. The picture below is a screen shot of my cart.

What was the first thing you noticed? How about the $14.99 ‘service charge’? Whatever the hell that is. I noticed they took off the $10.00 as part of the sale which brought the arrangement back to the stated $29.95 but they were then tacking on an additional $15. Just like that my order was up to $45.00. How wonderful. They weren’t done yet though. On the next page came the shipping.

It would be an additional $14.99 minimum for shipping unless I wanted it to arrive on the Friday or Saturday (which I would). Then it was $17.99 and $18.99 respectively. Fan-freaking-tastic. In a blink of an eye my $29.95 flowers magically became $63.93. The price literally doubled right before my eyes and I wasn’t getting anything extra. Is this beyond excessive to anyone else besides me? I love my Mom more than I can even say but I think she would want to smack me upside the head for paying that. That is if I didn’t do it first.

In the end I ordered a comparable and equally beautiful arrangement with vase included through someone local for $35.00. I was able to place the order online and choose in-store pickup for Sunday, at the time of my choosing. I will be able to view/inspect the arrangement before paying. Best of all, I will have the joy of seeing my Mom’s face when I hand the flowers to her.

Money can’t buy that kind of moment.

I want to wish a very happy Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s out there! You’re all amazing! I hope you have a beautiful day with the people that you love, especially your children no matter their age.

“A Mother holds her children’s hands for a short while, but will be held in their hearts forever.” – Unknown.

A man fell in love with a dolphin. No, really.

2010-05-05T18:17:00.003-04:00

Why do so many of the weirdest stories I write about come out of Florida? It’s not a thing against the state, I happen to love all the time I’ve spent there and it’s still one of my favorite places to visit. I just would love to know why so much weird ass shit happens there. Maybe they just happen to report a lot of it and other states keep it hidden like a dirty little secret. Either way, here we go again.

I’ve managed to find yet another story about a man getting way too intimate with animals. If you don’t remember the other one then go to the post about the man molesting the cows. Caught up? Ok, good. Or not, depending on how you want to look at this. I don’t know how I find them and I most definitely don’t go looking for it, they just seem to find me. I wish I could blame someone else and say it was sent to me but I just manage to stumble upon it in my readings on the internet. Which is obviously a very scary place.

My wanderings this time brought me to a story about a man, who fell in love with a dolphin. I don’t mean he saw it and said, “oh look how cute, I love dolphins!” No. He met one at an amusement park and fell in love as in a relationship kind of love. And then he wrote a book about it. Has your brain exploded yet?

Malcolm Brenner from Sarasota apparently had (what he considers) a love at first sight kind of moment with this poor dolphin and had repeated visits with her. He even goes into detail about a particular moment with the animal which he explains in the following lines. These are quotes directly from an interview he did with the New York Times.

“She would take my leg very lightly in her jaws and run her teeth up and down my leg. It’s an incredible sensation. I don’t know if other people would find it erotic, but I certainly did.”

Fucking hell?! He got turned on. By a dolphin. Wow. Plenty of people go swimming with these adorable creatures and I’m pretty damn sure they don’t get a stiffy while doing it. He even goes are far as referring to the whole thing as an ‘affair’ as if the dolphin was a human. He claims she gave him seductive stares and made points to touch his crotch. The whole thing is just sick. The guy clearly needs some serious help. Especially considering he believes he had telepathic conversations with her. Padded room anyone?

This apparently all happened in the 1970s and it’s taken him this long to write his book. Why? I have no idea, and I don’t really care. He titled it, “Wet Goddess: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover” which he calls a ‘semi-autobiographical novel’. Ugh. He also says that the book isn’t meant to promote bestiality but to help people realize that “dolphins are smart, have real emotions and are capable of relationships.” Basically it’s supposed to be a vehicle to help save the dolphins and their environments. Except with sex scenes thrown in.

He did succeed in one thing though. He’s made me want to protect dolphins and other animals - from him!

Crosswalks are made for walking.

2010-05-01T16:05:00.000-04:00

While out doing errands today I was sitting in the car waiting and happened to be right in front of two crosswalks. They were a good distance apart (don’t ask me how much because I’m horrible at guessing that) with cones lined up in the middle with the ‘must stop for pedestrians’ signs. They’re located right in front of a main entrance/exit to the store that gets quite a bit of traffic. The road connects the open parking lot with the parking garage so it too gets a lot of traffic going both ways. Obviously the crosswalks are there for a reason. So you can walk across safely without the cars crashing into you. Pretty simple right? Apparently not.

I was sitting in the car for probably 15 minutes or so and saw countless people come in and out of the store. I would say less than half of the people actually used the crosswalks. Instead, they would walk around them on the outside, or my personal favorite, walk BETWEEN the two crosswalks dodging around the cones/signs as if it were the signs that were out of place. I mean really? Can they not see the huge white lines painted on the ground with the words “crosswalk” painted inside? Obviously they can, but must feel that they are too good to walk where they’re supposed to. It’s even more insane when you watch them get frustrated at the drivers, who I always want to point out are doing exactly what they should be doing.

I know everyone is in a hurry to go nowhere, but why must we be assholes as we do it? People really do walk around as if they’re in their own little world and everyone else is just in their way. I saw people react to the giant orange cones with disgust when they had to sidestep them on their trip in between the two crosswalks. I then watched other people cross well down the street from the crosswalks and get angry that cars were driving in their way. Am I only one left in the world that actually walks where the crosswalks are? I mean if they were of no help they wouldn’t exist. Maybe that’s a very basic way to look at it but I think it makes sense. Drivers have to stop at the crosswalk to allow you to pass, so why would you cross somewhere else where they can just drive right by? I don’t get it.

For some reason while sitting in the car the song ‘Boots are made for walking’ popped in my head. I don’t even like that song but it came to my mind when I thought of the title. Then I changed it. I came up with a new version that I think should be posted on all the crosswalk signs and played over loudspeakers surrounding them.

“Crosswalks are made for walking, that’s just what you do,
One of these days these cars are gonna drive right over you.”

It’s sort of catchy. Guess my hubby isn’t the only one that makes up new lyrics. Except mine have nothing to do with a penis or someone’s unfortunate sex life.

Some products should never be made, ever.

2010-04-29T18:01:00.002-04:00

Quick, what’s your favorite smell? Is it a flower? Something baking? Or maybe even the smell of a brand new car? Whatever it is, have you ever wished you could bottle it and be able to enjoy the scent whenever the urge struck you? Well, apparently someone who seriously had way too much time on their hands had a similar wish. Except their favorite smell wasn’t so innocent. Instead of something everyone would enjoy like cookies baking or the way a freshly bathed baby smells, they went a whole different route. A weird one. One that never should have happened.

I give you Vulva original-Vaginal Scent. I sort of feel the need to apologize for this right here but hey, you know how crazy this blog can get. At first I thought this was perfume made for the vagina which had me really confused since the idea of spraying alcohol based products on my vagina sounds painful and really pointless. But then I started to read the product description and went from really confused to a whole new level of “what the fuck?!” It’s not perfume at all. It’s not even made for the vagina. It’s actually a liquid that’s made to smell exactly like an aroused woman. Yes, you read that right. Someone went out and made a product that is meant to mimic the scent of a vagina. I don’t get it either.

According to the site they went through “years of extensive research and testing,” before making the final product for all to enjoy. They even gave the bottle a roll-on top which really just makes it that much more weird. The description goes on to say that after applying it to the back of your hand (yeah I’m sure that’s the only place people put it – eye roll) to sit back and enjoy. Are people really this desperate? Is there really a market for this kind of thing? Actually, I don’t really want to know the answer to this question since I’m probably better off not knowing. I also would have been better off not knowing about this product but since I now know, so do you.

You’re welcome.

I'm still alive and I'm coming back!

2010-04-27T19:57:00.005-04:00

I abandoned you. I disappeared without notice for over 3 months. You could hate me and refuse to read anything I post and be perfectly reasonable. Except I hope that you’ll come back anyway. Because I love you. I love each and every person that spends some of their precious time reading my randomness. I’ve missed the writing and I’ve missed you, the readers. Even if you haven’t missed me too, I hope you return anyway. Please take me back?

I wish I could say I was off saving the world as my excuse for being missing in action. Like helping orphans or maybe rescuing animals! Instead, my only reason is we were super busy. Not much of an explanation is it? Life just showed up and took us for a speed ride and we were left playing catch up. Like playing cleanup crew at my Mom’s after the massive Rhode Island flood and then getting our house ready for a couple family members moving in since the flooding made their previous home unlivable. Sadly this wonderful blog was tossed in the back of the closet like an old sweater and is only now being pulled back out for fresh start. I’ve missed it.

So now that life has returned to some form of normal I’m back and ready to go! So many moments have come along that had me saying, “I could blog about that!” Clearly I never really got out of the habit of thinking about what to write even though I wasn’t here to do it. This time around will more or less be the same except for one thing. I’ve decided to leave the ‘Moronic Monday’ segments in hiding for a while. I want to bring my blog back to how it started with just pure random posts whenever they strike, instead of a schedule. Maybe I’ll bring it back later once I get going again, but for now lets just say it’s on vacation. I can let you guys be the real decider on that one!

I hope you forgive me for my absence and decide to return as my wonderful readers! I’ve still been reading all my favorite blogs but haven’t been commenting all that much. I’ll pick up on that more too, I promise!

It feels good to be back! I’m sure we’ll continue to have fun just as we did before.

-LB

Moronic Monday – Riot shields are meant for riots, not sledding down a hill, you Bobbies!

2010-01-18T23:41:00.000-05:00

*You should really read this post with a British accent. Probably just in your head though, since most people really suck at mimicking it. Or at least I do. Plus the people around you might think you lost your mind like Britney Spears did and will now just randomly talk with a British accent.*

I cherish my memories of going sledding with friends. All bundled up and excited for the thrill of flying down a huge hill, on our riot shields. Ah, memories. That’s what some British Bobbies (police for those who didn’t know – like me until 5 minutes ago) can now say when telling stories of their days on the force. It’s what they decided to do during the country’s most recent cold snap when they happened to come across a large hill they apparently couldn’t resist.

Since the police aren’t generally issued snow sleds as part of their uniform and equipment they had a problem. Their inner children wanted to sled instead of work but all they had were their asses. That is, until someone remembered their riot shields which they apparently have on them at all times. It’s sled-like right? Sure! Why not? That thought process led to the following video, because moments like these are always better when they’re recorded.

Don’t you just love their teamwork? They have each others back, at least until their buddy hits a bump and slides into a ditch. Then came the laughter and “cya later!” Poor Bobbie.

The video wasn’t actually recorded by any of the Bobbies, but by another guy there to play too. He claimed he was there to go down the hill in his kayak which just makes me wonder if British people have any actual sleds at all. Is there a sled shortage or something that I’m unaware of? The man also said he was afraid the police would scold him for using his kayak on the hill, so I assume he took this video as blackmail. Or possibly to prove he’s not he only one that is sledding challenged.

Although the Bobbies didn’t seem to mind the man taking a video of their play time, I’m sure they’re regretting it now as it makes its way around Youtube. Although many people have found it to be funny or a well deserved break, their superintendent doesn’t share the same view. He released a statement saying, “tobogganing on duty, on police equipment and at taxpayers’ expense is a very bad idea.” The police have been reprimanded and I’m sure there is now a segment in their training classes on how not to use your riot shield.

Maybe there should also be a course for everyone else on how not to use your kayak. And also to buy a real sled. Or toboggan, whatever you want to call it.

Twister should stick to being a game and not a condom.

2010-01-14T10:08:00.000-05:00

The other day my hubby and I stopped at the grocery store to pick up milk on our way home from shopping. On our way out I stopped to look at the hand soap display. Not because we really needed soap but it was one of those ‘oh shiny’ moments and I got distracted. While waiting for me, my hubby stood a few steps down the aisle and happened to land in front of the condom display. I have no idea why the hand soap and condoms are so close together or why right next to it is a body soap display with the label “incontinence”. It’s a weird store, clearly.

Anyway, all the sudden he randomly said “twister.” I could see he was in front of the condom shelves so hearing that word mixed with condoms sounded like a very dangerous combination. Naturally, I asked what the hell he was talking about and he proceeded to point out a box of Trojan magnum condoms with the word twister on the front in bright green text. The description said it had “deep ridges” around the condom in a spiral for “both partners pleasure.” What the hell?! Who in the world would want that word associated with anything involving our most tender areas? The second I hear the word twister I instantly think of a tornado and a nipple twister. I’m not really sure why it’s those two things together but that’s apparently how my train of thought can go.

So I would like to know who the genius was that came up with that naming campaign. Because, he (and yes it has to be a man) deserves a nipple twister. During a tornado. There are so many other things that would be more appealing than twister. Like the other varieties named ridges or ecstasy. Actually, they should have named it ripples. That’s much less menacing. I don’t care how good the box says it will be nothing is coming near my lady regions named twister, thankyouverymuch!

My hubby was far less impressed (horrified) and just walked away while I stared at this box like it was an alien. A woman walking down the aisle with her child gave me a look like I was some kind of sex fiend but whatever.

Maybe she needed some incontinence soap which would mean she had far bigger problems.

Moronic Monday – Pull your pants up and step away from the cow!

2010-01-11T21:20:00.003-05:00

This should probably be titled horrifying Monday or sickening Monday but it doesn’t fit the pattern. So, here we are anyway.

If you do some type of sexual act with an animal, is it rape? Apparently in New Jersey it’s not for the simple fact that you can’t ask the animal how it feels about it. A former police officer was arrested after police found a tape of him allowing cows to lick his penis and balls while he videotaped the scene. There aren’t even words to describe my initial reaction to that. I’m just at a loss really.

Robert Melia Jr. was brought before a judge and grand jury to face charges of animal cruelty with the horrifying video as evidence. But the charges were dropped. Why? Because the judge concluded that the prosecutor failed to prove to the jury that the cows were tormented by the acts of the defendant. WHAT THE FUCK?! The judge went on to say that it remained unclear after testimony if the cows were tormented or simply puzzled. Holy hell. Basically, because you can’t ask a cow how it felt after licking this man’s penis it automatically made it not cruelty against animals. Where did this judge get his credentials? Honestly. So when a dog is beaten by its owner it’s not cruelty because the dog can’t turn around and say it was hurt? It’s probably the most backwards ass reasoning of something that I’ve ever heard. That was a shitty judge.

Overall, since all the cows could do was moo, it apparently meant they consented to the whole thing. I think my brain might have just exploded. Also the author of the article I read about this actually called it a “moonlight tryst” and a “one night stand” which is frightening all on its own.

So the man gets away with the cow molestation but hopefully the court will nail him and his girlfriend for molesting three little girls, which was the entire reason they found the cow porn tape to begin with.

What is wrong with people?!

This is really a two for one week since the whole MM concept applies to both the cow molester and the inept judge. What more can you ask for, really?

My week has been awesome. If awesome actually meant craptastic.

2010-01-09T00:51:00.006-05:00

My computer is still dying, or at least it's not thrilled about being saved. My hubby will think he beat the virus and all will be fine for a few minutes and then the big 'ha ha sucker' moment comes and it's still not better. He's determined though, so I have to give him that. In the meantime I still can't use it because logging into accounts with my passwords on a computer with a badass virus is just stupid. So I'm still on my hubby's Mac which he hasn't been able to touch since mine crashed because I just can't be without a computer. It's a rule.

Then early this week my standing abilities decided to just abandon me as I managed to fall in my own house doing something that should have been simple. How I managed to fall and injure myself while hanging clothes in a closet is really anyone's guess. It's pathetic really. I walked away with a battle scar in the form of a fast forming bruise on my right leg that is now HUGE. It's currently dark green and lime green with purple blueish spots speckled in. Basically, my leg is an angry rainbow and I look like I lost some seriously weird fight. That I fought with the outside of my thigh. The best part is you can even see the shape of an edge I hit when I fell. It's my first imprint bruise and I can't really say I'm proud. But as my grandmother pointed out, I should be glad I didn't hit my head on something. Instead I can't sit, walk, sleep or basically move in any way without the bruise bitching about it.

On a better note, some of our 2010 plans are on the path to becoming reality. I still can't share exactly what they are yet but once I can I will spill all the details. One thing in particular took a huge step forward this week thanks to Hubby and hopefully soon it will be a full on reality. Positive thoughts!

I will be taking on the closet in another battle this weekend when we paint the inside and install new shelves and rods. Perhaps I should get some sports gear in preparation. Except I would probably hurt myself putting it on. Hell, if I can't handle a closet in normal clothing what chance do I have in a few pounds of padding? Maybe I should just get a bubble.

Apparently my 'little miss graceful' days are coming back to haunt me.

Moronic Monday - My computer is trying to kill itself!

2010-01-04T22:46:00.005-05:00

As I write this, my hubby is desperately trying to revive my computer, which has decided it no longer wants to live. The end of last week it started acting kind of funny but the full on crash came Saturday afternoon. Out of the blue my screen went green with a black box in the center warning that it was infected. Then everything went to hell in a hand basket.

Since then I haven't been able to use it at all. It's been in my hubby's hands with scans and programs running to save it while I use his Mac that I hate. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with his computer, I just like mine. I know where I have things saved and like my system. Basically I'm like an old person that doesn't like straying from my norm.

I've been telling my hubby that my computer is my crack. Although I've never had any real type of addiction and never tried drugs, this is what I imagine a crack addiction would be like without the high and legal problems. I absolutely HATE my computer (because it hates me and pulls this kind of crap) but I can't live without it. The second I can't have it at my finger tips or it won't work properly I get all aggravated and feel a little lost. As sad as that is. That's essentially the definition of an addiction, I can't live without it but I can't stand it either. Ugh.

So because my computer is having surgery the real Moronic Monday is on hold. I can't really access my usual stuff to write it so here I am on my hubby's laptop. Let's all hope he can save it without me losing any of my stuff. I have too much music, too many pictures and far too many documents saved to lose everything without backups. I've had to do it before and do not want to be there again.

Fingers crossed people!

A new year, a new decade and new plans!

2010-01-01T03:45:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you were able to ring in the new year in a positive way no matter how you celebrated. For us, it was a simple night in which seems to be a recurring theme. We’re not drinkers or partiers so those type of scenes aren’t fun. A couple years we’ve gone out to a show or event but we also enjoy just cuddling at home. We ate pizza, popped in some movies and watched the ball drop at midnight. Simple? Yes. But it worked for us.

I’m still a little amazed we celebrated entering 2010 since it feels like we just did this for 2009 like 3 months ago. I’m really not sure where the whole year went! I think we spent so many months (8 in total) hunting and waiting for our house that it sort of swallowed up 2009. We were basically in limbo for most of it. Our life went on hold in the beginning of February and started moving again the first week of October. But now that we’re settled in our house we can enter the new year ready to start fresh!

As for our new plans, we seem to have plenty! We never call them New Year resolutions but the concept is basically the same. Quite a few have to do with the house as I’m sure no one is surprised about. There’s always something to do, fix, or change with a house so that list has been growing since we moved in. One I’m looking forward to is new windows! The ones we have now are well past their prime and are so drafty. Many we could never leave open as they would fall out of the tracks due to some of the clips being broken. It will be so nice to have efficient, functional and nice looking windows. I cannot wait! Another is a new dishwasher since our current one has decided it’s a good idea to leak each time it runs, which is just so much fun.

Besides the house, we have plans to add a dog to our little family! I’m not sure exactly when this will happen but I’ll share pictures and info when it does. Our plan is to adopt an adult dog from a local shelter or rescue. Although puppies are adorable and fun it’s great saving a dog and giving it life it might not otherwise had. A lot of the time they almost seem to know they were saved. Some people call that foolish but many who rescued a dog in some way would agree. I’m looking forward to having a little fur-baby sometime soon since we were unable to due to the no pet policy at our apartment.

We also have a couple other plans that I can’t share yet but I will once they come through. Hopefully it will be very soon sometime in the next few months!

I’ll be back on my normal routine next Monday now that the holidays are over and things will be getting back to normal. I hope everyone had a great holiday season with whatever you celebrate. Ours were great minus the blizzard we had before Christmas that dumped 15 inches of snow. That was a mess and a half!

Thanks for finding and sticking with me much of 2009. It’s been lots of fun and hopefully will be even better this year! I love reading all of your comments and emails so keep them coming!

2010 here we come!

Moronic Monday – Did he steal a donut too? (Hubby as guest writer!)

2009-12-21T22:38:00.000-05:00

*My hubby decided he wanted to have some fun and write his own MM post. Which was helpful since my brain decided not to function tonight and basically boycotted the entire post. Bitch. So he’s my guest writer for the day! Enjoy!*

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In yet another shocking incident where people prove that there are new lows that have yet to be explored on Moronic Monday – a man steals from cops…in the police station.

An Ohio man and his girlfriend were brought into the station for a disorderly conduct charge, but were released and free to go. The man had to make a phone call, where he then proceeded to think it’s a good idea to go ahead and start taking things from around him, such as used drug syringes, candy bars and a hat. He left the donuts alone, knowing that it was entirely possible that he would be water boarded and sent to “the hole,” with a mysterious guy named Bruno that would teach him a thing or two about donuts.

So this begs the question – how could anyone possibly think it’s a good idea to steal from cops? I mean, you magically gain a hat and some miscellaneous things in your pockets…any cop is going to pat you down and find it, especially since you just got released from another charge! Does he have some blood disease fetish too? Is that a fetish that people have? Oh baby…yeah, shoot me up with that needle…I want AIDS!

And of all things to steal from the cops…why a couple candy bars? Why a hat? Seriously, a couple used syringes? What the hell was he trying to accomplish? If you’re going to steal from the cops, at least go a little video game style and get a night stick or tazer, or something cool. Used syringes are just sleazy. Stealing candy bars just says, “desperate fat kid.” And the hat…well depends on the hat. If it’s a cool one like a Red Sox hat, then ok, I can see it. If it’s some beaten NASCAR thing that’s been down a port-o-potty and fished out by some redneck…umm…there’s problems. With the track record this guy has going, I’m guessing it’s more towards the “potty hat.”

He actually got caught because of the hat. Not because it stank, but because he was wearing it underneath his own hat, and a part of the police department’s logo was showing. Nobody believed his explanation that he was an honorary police officer. The whole disorderly conduct thing kinda ruined that.

So after initially being released for disorderly conduct and free to leave, this douche from Ohio was booked and locked up for theft. He must not have had enough and wanted to stick around for some more fun. Either that or quality time with Bruno.

-“The Hubby”

Moronic Monday – Is that a lizard in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

2009-12-14T22:42:00.003-05:00

The answer to that question is, “actually, it’s a gecko. And a skink.” I don’t even know what a skink is but that’s beside the point. A German tourist was attempting to leave New Zealand when he attracted the attention of the airport security which led to a body search. I’m not really sure of the exact reason they searched him but I assume he must have had a pretty peculiar look on his face.

During the search the officers found a small package. Inside the box were 23 geckos and 20 skinks. In his underwear. Why? Just, why? Who in their right mind puts any kind of animal in their pants let alone their underwear so it’s just hanging out with your man/woman parts? I didn’t just make you a she-male, I promise. Just trying to include everyone. I’m nice like that. Anyway, I guess he happened to have a reject in his group because they also found a single gecko living in a rolled up sock packed into the man’s luggage. Maybe he was on little lizard timeout.

Apparently the entire point to this madness was to sell these little creatures on the black market. Um, I didn’t even think there would be a demand for them. Then again I’m not exactly a black market kind of person so, whatever. In the UK these things actually go for a large amount of money although I’m lost on why. For the 24 geckos the man had in his manly areas he could get close to $36,000. For geckos. Seriously!? As for the skinks, no one knows what they would go for since the ‘experts’ didn’t even know they were being traded on the black market until this guy was found. Basically, they learned something from the man with lizards in his tighty whities. Awesome.

He was an organized freak criminal though, as he made sure to separate the species into different compartments in the lizard box. I guess if you’re going to commit to transporting creatures in your underwear, you might as well go all the way. It won’t help him when it comes to trial though since not only was he trading these creatures and transporting them out of the country but he also basically kidnapped them from the wild. That’s usually frowned upon.

Just imagine what the Geico gecko would think.

Moronic Monday – Some people shouldn’t be allowed in Home Depot. Or near cars. Or really anywhere besides a padded room.

2009-12-07T00:29:00.002-05:00

The people in this story are so stupid that I think it just might hit a new level for our little Moronic Monday posts. Which is saying something if you’ve seen the previous entries.

Not everyone who walks into Home Depot or similar stores knows what they’re doing and that's fine. Hell, I walk in there a lot lately since buying the house and I’ve only ever touched a hammer when handing it to someone else. Tools are not my thing. Neither is wood. Or little pieces of hardware. Or anything electrical. Basically I go there to follow the hubby around while he attempts to tell me what we’re buying and trying to keep me out of the Christmas section. However, I accept my lack of knowledge about building and fixing things and just walk around aimlessly until it’s time to leave. This guy though, he jumped in head first and then fucked everything up. Including his car.

How bad do you think something needs to be for Home Depot to require you to sign a waiver before allowing you to take your purchased items? Apparently, the answer is pictured below.

Yup. This is an actual photo. It was taken in an IHOP parking lot by a man working for a lumber company who spotted it while driving by. He pulled over and bought a disposable camera just to capture the stupidity. Probably because he didn’t think anyone would believe him without proof. Then he called the Police which must have been an interesting 911 tape to listen to. How do you even explain such a thing and get the other person to believe the story? I would have hung up. It’s probably a good thing I’m not a 911 operator.

Turns out, along with the tons of plywood are a bunch of 2x4s right below all held down with some twine. As if that wasn’t enough, the entire backseat is filled with 10 bags of concrete weighing in at 80 pounds each! When police arrived they found the man crouched behind his car trying to cut the twine to remove the load. All together the materials weighed in at over 3,000 pounds which caused the back tires to explode, the wheels to bend and the back shocks to be driven through the floorboard. Yet the car was still running (see the exhaust?) as if the guy really expected to simply drive away.

The topping on the cake though, was when the guy admitted he planned to drive from Florida to Clanton, Alabama with his girlfriend and this entire pile of wood and concrete. Why?

To build a house.

Just think, this man is sitting somewhere right now with access to a car and power tools. Frightening.

You ask, I answer. Plus a brand new blog layout!

2009-12-03T02:05:00.007-05:00

(The Moronic Monday post for this week has been skipped since I’ve spent the last few days hunting for and fighting with new layouts. The new one is up and running smoothly so far, so I’m back on. Let me know what you think! Please comment or email if you notice any issues/bugs. MM will be back on December 7th.)

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Since many of you have sent me questions in comments and emails, I’ve decided to answer right here. I love reading your questions and I’m more than happy to answer so keep them coming! Either leave them in a comment or send me an email and I’ll keep adding onto this list. Whatever you want to know, just ask!

Here are seven (7) questions I’ve been asked that I can remember off the top of my head right now.

1. How/where do you find the crazy, weird, strange things/people you post about?
I get this a lot. Pretty much anywhere. They sort of just happen. Sometimes it’s something I stumble across reading online or heard about and went looking for the information to write a blog. I’ll post about pretty much anything so it makes for a large supply. Plus, with the number of just plain stupid/weird people in this world it makes my Moronic Monday posts really easy. I actually have issues picking one story out of several quite often.

2. Is that really you in your profile picture?
Nope. It’s just a picture I found online. I keep this blog pretty anonymous. It’s part of the fun for me. I write about my real life plenty but I keep names, pictures and general identities a secret.

3. Are the conversations you post between you and your hubby actually real?
Yes. We really are this weird. We have the most random conversations pretty much every single day. It keeps things fresh.

4. What do you really think about Twilight the movie/books, not Twilight the dildo?
How can I not answer this one? I hate Twilight and everything related to it. Books, movies, posters, dolls, calendars, whatever. I don’t get the love of vampires thing at all. Plus I think the Rob Pattinson dude looks like he needs a shower, a brush and a lot of sleep so I really don’t get why people think he’s ‘hot’.

The dildo, I think is weird and creepy but the post about it is probably my favorite.

5. Why did you start Moronic Mondays?
I get different variations of this one a lot. I wanted something all of you and I could expect on a regular basis besides the random posts about whatever pops in my head. I love the randomness of this blog but I also like some structure so I kind of have the best of both worlds. Except when I’m a horrible blogger and don’t post every Monday, sort of like this week.

6. Do you have a Facebook or Twitter page?
I don’t actually, at least not ones for this blog. I’m thinking about making a Twitter account though so whoever wants to can follow me there and be instantly updated whenever a new post goes up, plus random things that won’t be in posts on here. I’m still deciding but if I do you’ll see a link to follow me in the same section as the email and subscribe icons which can be found on the right side below the search bar.

7. What state are you from?
I forgot I didn’t put this in my profile before I got this question. I think I mentioned it in a post once or twice though. I live in Rhode Island. Yes, the smallest state in the country. And yes we’re a real state for those out there who assume we’re part of Massachusetts or New York. We’re Rhode Island, not Long Island.

That’s all I can remember right now, so if you don’t see your question answered here send it in and I’ll keep answering. From now on I’ll keep track of them so I don’t miss any.

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With the new layout come some new features!

A pink bar is located at the top below the header that contains Home and About buttons to make things a little easier to navigate. There is also a Comment RSS button for anyone that would like to be updated whenever a new comment is posted.

On the right hand side below the search bar are my new Email and Subscribe buttons. I hope their new location and design make it super easy to use for everyone.

At the bottom of each post are three ‘reaction’ boxes you can check off to express what you thought about the post above. Right now they’re labeled as Funny, Interesting, and Weird. Simply click the box you agree with and it will be counted. It’s anonymous so I have no idea who picks what. Feel free to use them. Don’t forget to comment though!

A new link will be added to the pink bar below the header directly linked to these questions and any others that will be added. Hopefully it will make it simpler for people to get to know me a little more.

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I hope you enjoy the new layout! Please let me know if you find anything not working as it’s still so new. Don’t forget to send in your questions!

PS. Hubby is now miffed that I forgot to give him credit for helping with the new layouts. Actually, he did pretty much all of it. I just sat there and said change this or move that. So thank you hunny!

Moronic Monday – How exactly do you arrest a goat?

2009-11-23T15:08:00.002-05:00

I never thought I would need to ask such a question. I mean, it’s only a goat. What could it possibly do that would actually make someone want to put it under arrest? Since when do we even arrest animals?! Well they do in Nigeria apparently. Real police arrested a local goat and it’s now in custody while the crime it’s charged with is under investigation.

It’s amazing how easy this weekly segment really is. It’s just shocking. It’s like the world tries to create stories made just for this post.

Apparently there are known vigilante groups in Nigeria that just roam the streets looking for crimes. Sort of like batman but totally messed up in the head. And with less cool shit to attack people with. The police actually allow them to fight crime which only makes me wonder what the hell the police are doing. One vigilante group came across a couple ‘hoodlums’ that were trying to steal a car. A Mazda to be specific. So they chased after them because that’s what vigilantes do when they’re out patrolling the streets. Sort of what the cops should have been doing but weren’t. According to the mighty crime fighters one of the guys got away but the other was captured.

And then he turned himself into a goat.

This is the exact story the vigilantes told the police with the black and white goat in tow. So what did the police do? Instead of sending them away or having their psychological state evaluated, they actually took the goat into police custody as if they had a real suspect. For armed robbery. Nigerians firmly believe in witchcraft so I guess they think all sorts of shit can happen but the fact that they think a human can magically transform into a goat is mind-blowing. What’s worse is the police seem to agree that it’s possible; all they admit to is that they just can’t prove it. It’s seriously scary.

A police spokesperson was quoted in saying, “We cannot confirm the witnesses’ story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat.” Why in the hell would they even take the goat into custody if they didn’t take the story even the slightest bit seriously?! He almost sounds like he’s saying he believes it happened but has no scientific proof to make the case. Uh, DUH! So why exactly are they still holding the goat prisoner? It was just wandering around probably eating some grass or tin and then it’s whisked away and kept in jail because people think it’s human. This story actually makes my head hurt.

Apparently the magical goat-man-transformer is a national curiosity as people flock to the police station to see it which they refer to as “the beast.” The police station has basically turned into a petting zoo. All because people are hoping a human will appear out of no where instead of a confused goat staring blankly back at them. Probably the weirdest police agency I’ve ever heard of.

Unfortunately for the goat, there’s no word on when it will be released. My guess is when it turns into a human. Which translates into never. Awesome.

A body farm. Yes, that’s exactly what you don’t want to think it is.

2009-11-20T17:09:00.009-05:00

Have you ever had a nightmare where there were dead bodies just fucking everywhere? Yeah, me either but I’m pretty sure this is what Stephen King dreams about all the time. It’s also an actual place that’s just as horrific as it sounds except there’s no killer running around. The entire term ‘body farm’ is probably the worst phrase I’ve ever heard myself say and I can talk about some pretty weird shit. It sounds like a scene straight out of one of the Saw movies but it’s actually exists. Three of them to be exact. Because clearly once you have one body farm, you want more. Like Pringles. Apparently. And yes I know how gross of a comparison that is.

The first one was created in Tennessee because they’re special and has become a trend across the country. A TREND! There are body farms at Western Carolina University, University of Tennessee-Knoxville and University of Texas-San Marcos. They must be so proud. I’m telling you the names in case you have an aversion to dead bodies (you know, like most people) so you can avoid the corpse college campuses of our wonderful country. Except whoever is in charge of this horror show is hoping to have one in every single state because that’s exactly what we all want. Basically they’re franchising. You know what though? I live in tiny Rhode Island and we totally don’t have room for a rotting dead human farm. Sorry. We’re full.

Anyway, the whole concept is so scientists (or necrophiliacs, whatever) can study how the human body decays in different environmental situations. I get it. It’s important for when actual serial killers build their own body farms and it gets repossessed. We have to know how they rot so we can figure out who they are and how long they were rotting. Totally makes sense except the whole dead bodies just lying around in the open part. It’s just creepy. I even watched a video of someone’s grandpa giving a tour of the ‘farm’ and explaining everything. There he was walking around all nonchalant as we pass by bodies just hanging out in the grass or on a rock. Limbs are all mangled and what’s left of the face contorted as if saying, “what the hell kind of shit is this?!" He just kept on talking as if he was explaining why the trees existed. Like it was no big deal.

Then the most horrifying and gag inducing part came up. He started talking about how when we die and are just left laying around outside, the skin on our hands slides off. Slides right fucking off! It's called skin slippage. They even zoomed in on dead hands to prove it. As if I needed a visual. I almost vomited on my laptop right then and there. He called it “degloving.” I will never look at gloves the same way again. He wasn’t done though. He started talking about how they recover finger prints from such a situation which apparently involves putting the dead person’s hand on your hand. Like sliding on glove. I’m not even shitting you. Again, I feel like I’m talking about a Saw movie except they really do this and this guy was giving a re-enactment with a pair of rubber gloves for the camera. I didn’t know if I should vomit or just run away screaming until it stopped.

Instead, I decided to share it with you.

You can thank me later.

Moronic Monday – ‘911, what’s your emergency?’ ‘I need sex.’

2009-11-16T21:33:00.003-05:00

Remember when you were a kid and were first learning to dial 911 and totally forgot the whole ‘only when in an emergency’ part and just dialed it at random times for no reason at all except that you could? Well, this guy never grew out of that apparently. He was bored and had zero minutes left on his cell phone so apparently he was broke too, so what’s a guy to do? Call a 911 operator of course. Except he wasn’t calling for a friendly conversation. No, he wanted a booty call. From the 911 operator. Clearly he didn’t think she had anything better to do, you know like helping save people’s lives.

Obviously the 911 operator was freaked out and angry that this man was wasting an important resource so she hung up on him. He then called back again. And again. And again. For a total of five phone calls all because he wanted to have sex with the female operator. He even went as far as asking if he could go to her house which begs the question if he was drunk or high, or even possibly both in order to truly believe it would happen. Or he was so horny all the blood drained from his head and he could no longer grasp reality. I pick all three. Just look at him!

Another important issue he overlooked was that 911 operator’s jobs are to track down where the callers are located. That’s sort of the entire point! Again, he was so distracted by his horniness that he just forgot and was surprised to find police outside his door 15 minutes later. Surprise! He was then arrested and charged for making a false 911 call. Maybe he found a nice jail cell buddy to help his physical problem.

My favorite part of the entire story though was when he was asked why he did this. His answer? That he couldn’t dial any other number on his cell phone AND he didn’t think he would get in trouble for calling 911.

This is totally a guy that would have paid to have sex with the virgin from last week, except he doesn’t have a job or money, so he thought the free version involved the 911 system in Florida. Clearly a winner.

Our remote is going to take over the world.

2009-11-14T22:13:00.008-05:00

The actual remote.

Hubby: “I have a mission for you.”

Me: “Um, what happened to the ‘if you so choose to accept it’ part, because I choose not to accept it.”

Hubby: …..

Me: “Okay. What is it?”

Hubby: “I need you to find four AA batteries.”

Me: “For what?”

Hubby: “So that we have a working remote.”

Me: “Oh, well I have a working remote right here.” *I held up our cable remote and even wiggled it a little to prove it.*

Hubby: “Yeah, but a working remote that controls everything.”

Me: “It does control everything. The TV, DVR and DVD player. I’m good.”

Hubby: “It doesn’t control the receiver.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I don’t need that.”

Hubby: “Oh, but you will.”

Me: “Um, that sounds a bit unsettling and I’m still pretty sure I don’t need the receiver thing.”

But I went hunting for batteries anyway and found stamps. Totally just as useful and I know for sure I need those.

Me: “Guess what?”

Hubby: “You found the batteries?”

Me: “What? Oh, no. I found stamps.”

Hubby: “Um good job? I still need the batteries. And a surge protector.”

Me: “I know where one is. Here. Okay, mission complete.”

Hubby: Laughs. “Not really, we still need the batteries.”

Me: “Oh right, the batteries you’re convinced we need and I know we really don’t. Gotcha.”

A few minutes go by and like magic I found the batteries. Ironically they were in the same spot as the stamps but I overlooked them because I was distracted by finding the stamps. I swear I don’t have ADD. Honestly.

The whole thing ended with:

Me: “I found the batteries! I’m totally awesome at this mission.”

Hubby: “Yes babe, totally awesome.”

I’m pretty sure he was mocking me. So as I write this he’s sitting on the edge of our couch programming this massive touch screen universal remote thing that I’m pretty sure could land a plane. Or at least make it crash. I’m going to stick with the cable remote though because I know I can use that thing. And I’m pretty sure I can’t fuck it up. The huge touch screen thing? I could probably kill it just by sitting in the same room.

Anyone who thinks I would be fine with the crazy remote contraption should read this blog about my talent of accidentally killing all things electronic.

I rest my case.

PS: My hubby read this post as I was taking pictures of the remote monster and this conversation happened.

Hubby: “You don’t like my remote?”

Me: …. *Focusing on taking a picture.*

Hubby: “You don’t like my remote?”

Me: …..

Hubby: “You’re not going to answer my question?”

Me: “I don’t know. Why?”

Hubby: “I don’t know why you won’t answer my question.”

Me: “I’m trying to take a picture of it and I don't think the remote likes me.”

Hubby: “You should add this to the blog.”

So I did. You’re welcome.

Why yes, I would like a free in-home estimate and you’re a total douche.

2009-11-11T16:43:00.002-05:00

Honestly, this has become our life. Every house on the planet needs repairs and upgrades and the only way to do that is shop around. We would be absolutely insane not to price multiple companies to be sure we’re getting the best price for the product but God it’s annoying. Did you know that every window replacement company does free home estimates? Of course it’s helpful but it’s also annoying when you have four scheduled in a seven day period. Yes, four separate companies will be coming to our house to tell us how bad our windows are and why we should buy from them. As if we don’t know the windows are drafty since it’s the entire reason we want them replaced. The first one comes today and it all begins. I imagine it’s going to be a lot of the same thing. Our windows suck, theirs are awesome and we should spend our money with them, now please sign here.

Plus we’re also shopping for a security system because we’re way too paranoid about the world not to have one. I only wish they came with a large attack dog and a big man with a machine gun plus steel shields that surround the whole house and a panic room in the basement. I may be overreacting. Anyway, we had one company called Safe Home Security (I was going to leave the name out but what the hell) come out last night and he tried to screw us. He wanted us to pay $200 for equipment when the exact package we were buying was being offered completely free on their website. Do I have stupid written on my forehead? No dumbass, now get the hell out! Plus, he boasted that the company has an A+ rating with the Better Business Bureau and haven’t had a complaint since 2001. Oh really? Well that sounds like something to check. Ha! They actually have an F rating which is the lowest you can go AND they have several hundred recent complaints. Top rated my ass. Plus the BBB revoked their accreditation in 2007 because of bad business practices and there’s even a lawsuit against them by the attorney general in the headquarters’ state. Oh hell no! Next please.

It’s the second in-home estimate we’ve had a bad experience with. We had National Floors Direct to give an estimate to replace our hallway carpet. It’s only a hallway so clearly it’s not a big job with tons of commission potential but they knew that from the very beginning. The guy showed up and the first thing out of his mouth was, “you dragged me all the way out here for a hallway?” Uh yeah asshole, it’s your job. We should have kicked him out right then but for whatever reason we let him stay. I think it was because I wanted clean carpet in the worst way. He then measured and had us go out to his car to see the samples in his trunk. What the hell?! It was like we were doing some drug or gun deal in a back alley somewhere. We were both pretty pissed at this point but the topping on the cake was he ignored everything I said and only looked to my hubby for answers. As if I wasn’t standing right in front of him and my opinion didn’t matter. Such an asshat.

The whole thing ended with us telling him to leave our home and him storming out muttering to himself followed by us calling the company number to file a complaint. They tried to get us to allow another salesperson to come out for an estimate after apologizing profusely for his behavior. But at that point we wanted nothing to with the company. A couple days later we purchased carpet from Lowes and are now thrilled with our new clean and soft carpet. Emphasis on clean. We still want to replace the carpet in the finished part of the basement and we clearly won’t be calling that guy again.

So, who will be buying our windows from? No clue. What company will monitor our security system? Beats me. All I know is both things will be happening eventually once we find the right ones. In the mean time we get to have all kinds of people in the house giving their ‘estimates’ while I sanitize basically everything after each visit since I’m still hiding from swine flu. Purell and air/surface sanitizers are currently my best friends.

Moronic Monday – Giving away her virginity wasn’t good enough; instead she put it up for auction.

2009-11-09T23:18:00.000-05:00

According to a woman from California, most women wasted an opportunity when they just gave away their virginity. You know, for love. Or fun, depending on your situation. Instead she decided to become a vagina business woman and sell her virginity. I suddenly felt like I was in the middle of ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ when I read her story. In the book the young girls entertain men and then sleep with the highest bidder after being checked out by a doctor to prove their purity. In this woman’s case, she put her virginity up for sale online and will have sex with the highest bidder after being checked out by a doctor if they so wish. It’s like she ripped a page right out of the book.

She claims the idea just came to her when her sister paid her college tuition by being a prostitute for 3 weeks. I guess she wanted to one up her sister and held an online auction instead of walking the streets. Their parents must be oh so proud, don’t you think? I know college is expensive but was this the only way she could think to pay for it? Not to mention she’s trying to earn a masters degree in Family and Marriage therapy. Yup, she’s going to counsel families and couples on how to get through tough times when her only idea was selling her woman parts online. She’s so totally qualified to help you through your problems now.

The scariest part of this whole thing isn’t even that she sees nothing strange about doing this; it’s that people actually want to pay to take her virginity. Not only pay, but bidding the auction up to $3.7million! Yeah, you read that right. Millions of dollars just to sleep with a stupid college student. It’s probably the most insane thing I’ve ever heard of. It also proves we’re in a world full of crazy men that have a very weird obsession with virgins. Proving how naïve she is, she stated that she was surprised to get sexually explicit messages from ‘weirdos’ explaining exactly what they wanted to do to her. Uh, duh! Wouldn’t you consider any man willing to pay lots of money just to have sex with a virgin a weirdo? I would. She also said she gets ‘polite requests from rich businessmen’ because they apparently don’t have any better way to spend their money.

The other scary thing is you know there will be tons of girls who will read her story and turn around to do the same exact thing. Before we know it we’ll have co-ed millionaires all around the country after they sell their virginities to the richest creep online. As long as they can manage to get through high school without becoming cheap sluts. It’s ironic since most of the girls I knew that wouldn’t see anything strange in doing this were the ones sleeping with any guy that looked at them.

Although, all I got when I lost my virginity was a horny boyfriend who is now my hubby.

Moronic Monday – Where should you hide your cell phone? In your butt crack of course!

2009-11-04T01:11:00.003-05:00

(Yes I know it’s now Wednesday but I forgot to come back to actually publish it. I thought I had scheduled it for Monday but I never set it. I’m a horrible blogger. So lets just pretend it's the right day and we can all be happy.)

So I never feel the need to hide my cell phone. Being an adult probably has something to do with that but even in school I never really hid it. Unless tossing it in my purses counts as hiding which I don’t since that’s still where it lives to this day.

However rules are a bit stricter now in schools and many try to ban cell phones all together. Except that wasn’t even the case in this story. This school had normal cell phone usage rules. The rule was ‘no talking or text messaging on cell phones during classes’. Can we get anymore simple then that? This was still beyond what a 14 year old girl could comprehend though because she insisted on texting while her teacher was trying to give the lesson. And when I say insisted, I mean she continued to text even after the teacher repeatedly told her to put the phone away. She just did what she wanted and ignored her instructor. Not all that shocking to me and you’re probably wondering why this was even a news story.

After the student continued sending her texts to whoever the teacher sent her to the principal’s office. It was there that the principal demanded her phone be confiscated. The only problem was she now claimed to not have a cell phone at all. Clearly he didn’t believe her so he decided to call her parents to report her misbehavior. It was up until this moment that the school was doing everything right. Then they took a weird turn. The first mistake was asking the student herself for the number to contact her parents. Uh what? Not once, not twice but multiple times the young girl gave incorrect phone numbers yet the principal continued to rely on her for the contact information. Is he stupid or just plain lazy? Since when does a school not have parent/guardian contact information on file for emergencies and situations like this? Doesn’t that happen like the first day of school? Why didn’t he just look the damn numbers up instead of playing the girls game? Idiot!

Anyway, that’s not what this whole thing was about. After failing to get the real phone number for her parents (and never bothering to look them up himself) he then decided to take the whole thing to a new level. He called the police. No, I don’t mean he called the on campus security. He called the actual police in their city. All because she was texting on her phone and refused to tell him what she did with it. Since when is not listening to your teacher about a cell phone an actual crime for the police to handle? Also, since when do police actually respond to such a call?

For a minute I thought perhaps the police thought they were being called for a serious crime and the school failed to mention it was a cell phone text related issue. Then I came across the part where the officers that showed up were just as wacked as the principal. When they arrived they actually decided to search the student. FOR A CELL PHONE! They didn’t just go through her bag and locker; no they actually searched her physical person. That’s when they found the cell phone. Stuffed in her ass crack. Why in the world she decided to hide it there and how she walked around as if everything was normal is beyond me. I guess she assumed they would never look there and honestly I wouldn’t have thought they would either.

Can you guess what they did next? Give her detention? No. Actually call her parents? Nope. They arrested her. A 14 year old girl was arrested for texting in class and refusing to hand the phone over to the teacher or principal. She was charged with disorderly conduct and suspended from school for a week. Can we say huge over-reaction? I get you have to be tough with kids and they need to follow the rules, but come on! She was texting on her phone in class. She was being a brat and didn’t listen to the teacher. How is this different from any other day in any high school in the country? So kick her out of class. Suspend her for a day or two for going against school policy. Having her body searched and then arrested and charged for doing something that never put anyone in any danger is just flat out insane.

A teacher once tried to take my cell phone after she saw it outside of my purse. I wasn’t even using it I just had to take it out to get to something else. I refused to hand it over because I knew most cell phones that were taken away were either lost or damaged. I was sent to the office and still refused to hand the phone over. You know what they did? NOTHING! They just said to put it away and if I was caught with it out again I would be sent home for the day. Most people I knew always refused to allow their phones to be confiscated and the worst they ever got was suspended for a day and that was after swearing up a storm over the situation. Even kids that got in full on brawls in the school halls weren’t arrested.

The girl was later charged with trespassing because she returned to the school two days later during her suspension term.

So many morons in one story.

We should all stick a tea pot up our nose. Apparently.

2009-10-28T01:59:00.004-04:00

(I know I missed my Moronic Monday post this week but I’ve been painting and trying to find homes for all our belongings in the house as we officially moved in. I already have a story lined up for next Monday though, so forgive me for this week!)

Have you ever had an urge to warm up some water and then stick the spout of your tea pot up your nose? Yeah, me neither. Apparently people actually do this with a special nose pot thing that they call a Neti Pot. It’s this small little tea pot look-a-like that you put water and table salt (seriously?) into then literally pour up your nose. It’s supposed to clean out your nostrils of basically everything according to the site but to me it just sounds like a fast way to get that horrible water up the nose feeling, and no one likes that. I mean you might as well tip your head back in the shower since you’ll end up with same feeling. It also seems like the messiest way to clean out your nose I’ve ever heard of.

The instructions say to just casually stand over your sink with your head tipped slightly back and pour the whole damn pot up there for EACH nostril. All I picture is water going all over the place including down your shirt. Haven’t they heard of nose spray or a tissue? They also claim it will feel good as you do it and I think they’re completely insane. Never in my life would pouring water directly into my nose feel like a good time. It’s also dishwasher safe because we all want things we stick up our nose mingling with our dinnerware. Next we’ll have washable q-tips and will toss those into the basket with our silverware. The dinner guests will just be oh so thrilled with that. They even make sure to have the picture model grinning like an idiot while she uses this weird little object.

Apparently you’re not only supposed to enjoy how it feels but be absolutely thrilled with the process. You don’t look totally strange at all doing this. It’s completely normal. Right. If I ever saw someone actually using a Neti pot I would think they took or drank too much of something and should seek professional help. I would be calling 911 telling them that my friend made tea for her nose and is now pouring it into her head so send the paramedics and probably a lot of towels. Isn’t it great that they included the water coming out of the other nostril as well? Wonderful picture design. It’s even scarier that someone was probably paid to make it.

I’m sort of lost on the point of this thing though. It says not to use it if your nose is stuffy, but when else would you need to remove mucus from your nose? When you’re not stuffy most people don’t even think about their nose never mind ways to give it a bath. It also makes sure to tell you to breathe through your mouth when using it as if there were any other option and people were actually confused. Is this really an issue for people? If it is then I’m horrified for our world’s future. The site also boasts it’s a great holiday gift and I feel the need to say no, this is a HORRIBLE gift. No one wants one of these things especially as a Christmas gift. Imagine that moment by the tree, “Here’s a thing to drain your nose. Merry Christmas!” This is a perfect example of a gift that you force gratitude through and then immediately think of ways to get rid of it. Toss it in the closet, re-gift, or just flat out throw it away. As my grandmother has always done, in my house it would ‘meet an unfortunate accident’ and be gone. Then the following year I would return the favor and give that person an ear irrigator. So they can feel the same pain.

I showed this to my hubby earlier tonight and his instant reaction was, “what the fuck?!” He then went on a little rant about how freaky it was that she was smiling so much and then he moved into the ‘I’m a little tea pot’ song and mixed the Neti pot into it. I would share it but I missed the words because I was laughing so hard at his reaction.

Next time your nose feels neglected warm up some water and table salt in a tea pot and have at it. It’s the fast track to the crazy house as anyone that sees you will be completely convinced you’ve lost your mind. Whoever invented this clearly lost theirs.

My apartment is trying to make my ears bleed or make my head explode.

2009-10-21T01:34:00.004-04:00

I wrote this during the day yesterday but didn’t post it right away. I meant to but kind of forgot to actually publish it. I blame it on the noise. So here it is now. Better late than never I guess.

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As I write this, the fire alarm in our apartment building is going off. No, I’m not an idiot for being inside. This is the 4th time it’s gone off today and this last time has been going for literally an hour and a half. Yes, you read that right. Apparently a hot water heater in one of the apartments leaked (each unit has one) and caused the alarm below it to go off. The fire department came to turn it off and everyone went back inside. Then about 20 minutes later it went off again. The process repeated itself and then it went off a third time for about 10 minutes. All was quiet for about 15 minutes and then the 4th one went off. This time the fire department abandoned us because the alarm won’t stop until it’s replaced. The guy that needs to replace it hasn’t shown up yet. So here I sit with an ear piercing alarm going off for over 90 minutes. It’s amazing there hasn’t been a mass suicide yet.

For the first hour or so I sat outside on the balcony on the damn floor because all our outdoor chairs are at the house already. I even brought the laptop out there at one point because I was bored out of my mind. Then the bugs invaded. These little orangey-red ladybug things were fucking everywhere. They were like little kamikaze bugs because they were dive bombing my head. I swear bugs are attracted to me because they can sense how much I hate them. Then a hornet showed up followed by this massive bug thing I’ve never seen before and really never want to see again. The final straw was a spider that was crawling right for me. I almost lost it. So, I packed everything up and came back inside. Here I sit with huge headphones on and music blasting my eardrums to death to block out the evil ringing. It’s either this or letting my ears bleed from the alarm. I pick this.

The best part of this whole thing is no one from the maintenance staff can do a damn thing about it. Only a licensed alarm person can replace the one that’s setting it all off, so they can’t touch it. The fire department won’t show up anymore to turn it off because they know it’s not a real fire. We’re totally fucked if a real one actually breaks out because they’re completely ignoring us at this point. The staff here can’t silence the alarm without incurring a large fine for messing with the equipment so basically we’re all screwed. Most people left a long time ago to avoid the noise. Besides me, there’s only two other people here and they’re outside. Why haven’t I left, you ask? I haven’t mastered flying on a broom yet and have no car because hubby has it with him at work. So yes I’m stuck here as if I’m in prison. Only I didn’t do anything. This could be used as a form of torture. Anyone stuck in this noise with no form of blocking it would spill every secret they had.

It’s wonderful timing that this is all happening only days before we officially move out. We’re literally leaving this weekend with Saturday being our last night here. Why did this have to happen today? Why couldn’t it be next Tuesday instead when I’m not here to suffer through it? No of course not, because Murphy’s Law hates me and has made me a target. You know what I say to that then? Screw you Murphy. Screw you. I have hundreds and hundreds of songs on my laptop to block out the noise and I’ll do it as long as needed. Let’s just hope I don’t need to pee anytime soon since my laptop battery is special and can’t function without being plugged in. I really should replace that thing. I also can’t eat lunch for the same reason. I would go insane in the time it took to make a sandwich and then it would be wasted. It’s a lose-lose situation. For a split second I felt that I would miss our apartment a little but fuck that. I won’t miss a damn thing now.

It’s been a full 2 hours straight now that the alarm has been ringing. Two very long hours.

The alarm guy was supposed to be here an hour ago. Asshole.

PS. After 2 and a half hours the alarm finally stopped. My head is still ringing.

PSS. That massive bug I had never seen before and didn't want to see again, yeah well one was just walking across my living room carpet!! It's even creepier up close!! A wide but thin body, wings, 6 long legs it uses to walk (not crawl), and 2 long antenna it wiggles around.CREEPY!

Moronic Monday: Forget eye for an eye, it’s goldfish for a diamond now.

2009-10-19T21:28:00.005-04:00

It’s a timeless story. You fall in love, you move in together and oh so romantically become common-law married. Then, things fall apart and you break up. Your ex common-law husband (that sounds so weird) decides he wants all the jewelry he’s ever given you. He steals it and refuses to give it back. All you want is your diamonds and since you can’t get your way, you decide to get even. So what do you do? You steal his goldfish of course.

This is exactly what a woman from Pasadena, Texas did. She was angry and apparently thought stealing the 7 goldfish the couple bought together was her best option. The man called police and reported them stolen. I’m sure the police were just thrilled at this call. Anyway, they did their duty and went straight to the woman’s house. After talking with the woman for a few minutes they discovered that not only had the woman stolen her ex husband’s beloved goldfish, but she took the revenge one step further.

She ate them.

Yup, she threw them in a frying pan and ate 3 of the little fishies before the police even arrived. We know this because the officers found 4 of them on a plate sitting on her kitchen table. She was completely unfazed by the whole thing and led them straight to her tiny victims the second they asked where the fish were. When asked where the remaining 3 fish were she simply stated, “I already ate those.” Just another day on the job for those officers, don’t you think?

Best of all, there was nothing the police could do. There’s no law against eating goldfish apparently and since the fish were purchased while the couple lived together they were considered community property. I guess as long as you buy a pet together Texas law doesn’t really care what you do to them afterwards. I get why she wasn’t arrested for stealing the fish because of the whole community property laws but what about animal cruelty? She killed the fish! And then she ate them! That’s not normal behavior you do with your pets. I get that they were fish but they were their pets! They named them and cared for them by feeding and cleaning their tank. She gets mad one day and then decides they’re dinner? What the hell is wrong with people?

The police said if the man wants to pursue the issue then it would be a civil case which he would obviously win since she flat out admitted to eating the fish and the police found some of them fried in her kitchen. I love how she even sat down at her table with a plate and dinnerware to eat the fish.

Because she’s dignified like that.

I never want to see wallpaper again and I’m apparently doomed to the fire of hell.

2009-10-16T01:33:00.000-04:00

Today was a busy and insanely exhausting day. We got so much done that it’s almost painful to think about. From our carpets being cleaned and wallpaper being ripped down to an entire room primed and another sanded. Have I mentioned I HATE wallpaper? It’s probably the most evil thing ever invented for home décor and that says a lot coming from me since I detest wood paneling with every fiber of my being. Not only was the wallpaper a pain in my ass but it was also ugly as hell. I swear it was based off of the uniforms people were forced to wear in concentration camps. I’m not even trying to be funny or mean with that, it’s just true. Two shades of gray in vertical stripes. Seriously. Plus they used about 10 times more glue then they really needed to so we had random small pieces that just refused to come off without beating it and the wall to death. I’m so glad it was only halfway up the wall because if it was floor to ceiling, I would still be in there scrapping my life away. I never ever want to see wallpaper ever again. Ever. It should be banned.

Oh, and I’m apparently doomed to eternal damnation. Isn’t that a ball of fun? I know this because two strange men appeared at the door to the house to tell me this. One was young, probably in his 20s that did most of the talking, but the other was in this floppy hat and basically smiled the entire time. It was one of those creepy smiles too and all I kept thinking was ‘creepy pedophile on my doorstep’ while the other told me how screwed I am. He was all like, “can I ask you a question?” I was about 2 seconds away from responding with ‘well, you already did so you didn’t give me much a choice now did you?’ but I had a feeling it would have been lost on them.

Anyway, his magic question was, “If you had to stand before God today, and he asked you why he should allow you into heaven, what would you say?” What the hell kind of question is that to ask someone at their door? So I just dryly answered, “I have no idea.” This petrified him and it was the funniest thing ever. He just had this horrified look on his face and repeated my statement back to me. I could just see him deciding I was screwed right then and there. Then he started rambling about how we’re all born in sin and God doesn’t like sin and can’t allow it in heaven and blah blah blah. I lost him for a bit because I was honestly bursting trying to hold back my laughter. He quoted the bible in there too but I don’t know what he said, then came the ring of fire in hell part. The funniest part of my day.

By his definition, heaven must be completely empty since he said we’re all born sinners and basically every human sucks, well except them. I want to know what we could possibly do in the womb or within our first minutes of life that automatically make us sinners. Plus it came up today that believing you’re completely without sin is actually a sin in itself, so that means even these religion pushers are going to hell to with the rest of us. Well, I can close a door in their face down there too then. I found the entire thing completely hilarious. They gave me some plastic bag full of flyers and a CD with more “you’re going to hell missy” crap. Which promptly went into the garbage. All this was happening while they were standing in the rain. I guess trying to scare people into converting to whatever they are is a rain or shine event. Kind of like the post office.

So, the gist of my day was that because I exist I’m going to hell in a ball of fire and wallpaper is evil and will be decorating hell, right next to the wood paneling. I also randomly sent a text to my hubby that said “The carpet people are done and I’m going to a ring of fire in hell,” just to confuse the hell out of him.

Moronic Monday: Dumbest. Criminal. Ever.

2009-10-12T03:31:00.004-04:00

Isn’t the whole point of committing a crime to actually try to not get caught? I stole something once when I was a kid. It was Halloween season and I stole rubber rats that someone stapled to a little wooden bridge. I honestly have no idea why I did it and I even broke their tales ripping them from the staples. I just liked them for whatever reason and I was a whole 6 years old so really, I was just stupid. Anyway, even at that age I knew not to get caught and I didn’t. My family to this day still doesn’t know it was me. Once I realized that the people were very much attached to their rubber rats and wanted them returned, I brought them back and still didn’t get caught. At the age of 6, I was a better thief then the guy this post is about. A side note, I didn’t become a career criminal and never stole another thing in my life so really it shouldn’t even count. Plus they were rubber rats. Enough said.

Anyway, apparently this guy never had his rubber rat experience and decided he would become a thief but then make it super easy for the police to find him. As in, a blind monkey with no legs could have found him. As creepy as that sounds. His inspiration came from going to a Phillies game dressed as a “Rockies Killer” and I don’t even know what that is. I guess he just wore a mask that he wrote those words on but he should have just saved us all the time and wrote stupid across his forehead instead. I wasn’t even aware there was a team called the Rockies until I read this story but it doesn’t matter. Here’s the guy in his wonderful outfit/costume thing.

His Mom must be so proud.

So, he went to the game, got really loud and obnoxious (what a shocker) and pissed off the people sitting around him so he was kicked out. Instead of just leaving he decided to wander over to a desk in the main office. Some moron left 3 of the World Series rings in an envelope on the counter (can someone say stupid as hell?) and this other moron in the mask picked them up and took them home as a souvenir. Except, before leaving with the rings he filled out a job application, complete with his real name, address and other personal information. He should have just walked straight to the jail with the rings in his hand instead.

Obviously the case was open and shut because not only did he fill out the paperwork but he was also caught on camera at the desk and walking away with the rings. Because no one would notice a grimacing skull with killer written across it. Of course not. He was found later at his home with the three rings. He didn’t even steal the really expensive rings, but the cheaper ones made for team employees. The players get $11,000 rings and he stole the $1,100 versions. I still don’t get why some dumbass left them on the counter to begin with. They said they were going to be mailed to employees that weren’t there but why they were out in the open is beyond me. Someone also must have been talking about them or they were marked “$3,300 rings in here – STEAL ME but please leave your name and number with the clerk.”

Clearly this man isn’t going to become a mastermind criminal. More like easy target practice for the police or frequent flyer for Moronic Mondays. You’re making this too easy Matthew, far too easy.

PS. I didn’t intend for both topics to be crime related but it’s where the really stupid people hang out, so it’s sort of finds me.

The old owners moved out but they left some little friends behind.

2009-10-09T02:23:00.001-04:00

I hate people. Have I mentioned that? More specifically I hate the people that owned our home before us. So far, we have learned that they were very dirty people who apparently had no issue living in complete filth. The floors were just plain dirty and require a firm scrubbing in every room. Plus the walls need to be scrubbed and there was mold growing in the refrigerator. They just put tinfoil over it instead of actually cleaning it. I know they sold their house as a short sale so it means they were in trouble financially but there are simple inexpensive ways to do basic cleaning. It doesn’t cost anything to sweep or mop your floor. I know she had a mop because she had it hanging from the basement ceiling as a place to hang clothes to dry. It clearly wasn’t doing much good there. She also left behind a bucket that most would use to mop as well as some spray cleaners and several sponges, which she apparently never used.

They also left several pieces of furniture behind plus tons of random items in the shed. I could handle and get over all that pretty easily but they also left something else for us to deal with. FLEAS! The house has fucking fleas! I nearly flipped my lid when I saw one on my hand. I was about to start cleaning and all of the sudden there it was. I could have screamed I was so mad. I know they had cats but that’s no excuse to have fleas. There are ways to prevent it and then treat it if it happens. But no, instead they just moved out and left it as our problem. So now flea bombs are going off in our house and tomorrow it will have that wonderful chemical smell until it fully airs out. Of course it’s good that we found out before we moved anything in and we haven’t replaced the carpets yet, but still!

It’s like they just completely gave up on taking care of anything. The house was just plain dirty, there’s a flea infestation and they allowed stray cats of the neighborhood to live in their shed since they never bothered to fix a broken window pane. The neighbors we met informed us of this problem and stated the window had been broken for a very long time. I realize they were probably very upset they couldn’t keep their home but what happen to the pride of taking care of your home? Has that completely disappeared? I would never let my home get to even half the state they left it in, whether I was losing it or not. Even if they didn’t care what other people thought what about for their own sake? They actually allowed themselves to live in this level of filth and didn’t do anything about it. There’s no excuse for it especially when you have the proper materials to keep the house at a respectable level. Who lets mold grow in their refrigerator and then just covers it with tin foil? Who just never mops or sweeps their floors, ever? I just don’t understand it. This woman was a mother; she had two kids in their teens, so you would think she would know better.

We also found an empty bottle of Patron Tequila in the teenage boy’s bedroom closet. Seriously! It was just sitting there on the floor in the corner clearly visible. I know for a fact he was underage as we actually saw him one day. He was no older then 18, at the most. I realize that parents can’t know everything their kids are doing and everyone has rebelled at least a little in their lives, but why would they leave it there? We know she had been in the house all throughout the week before closing because she was having non-stop yard sales and even posted ads online about them. Could she really have never bothered to open that closet door? It stood out with its specialty bottle. Wouldn’t most mothers’ double check their kid’s room to make sure everything was packed and removed? At the evidence of how these people lived, I guess anything is possible.

I just hope to God that the flea treatment works so we can move past this problem and get the house clean. It’s such a good thing that we don’t have contact with the previous owners anymore, because I have OH SO MUCH I wish I could say to them. What kills me though, is they moved to an apartment. She will definitely not be getting her cleaning deposit back.

Ugh. Never buy a short sale. Ever.

This is supposed to be a Moronic Monday post but all I can think about is that we closed on our house today!!

2009-10-06T00:13:00.002-04:00

Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! It finally happened, after months and months of waiting. We closed on our first house and it was amazing and insane all at the same time. We did a final walkthrough of the house and everything was where it was supposed to be. Then we went to closing and in the matter of 37 minutes, we were homeowners. It was the most whirlwind moment ever. We must be speed signers because even though there was a books worth of paperwork (seriously, why so many damn pages?) we were done before I even blinked my eyes twice. Then the keys were in my hand and we were pulling into our driveway as owners for the first time. Is it our house? Apparently it is but you could have fooled me. I still feel like I’m going to wake up tomorrow and it will all be a dream or something. Someone slap me because I’m in pure disbelief.

The first thing we did (after walking around the house 3 or 30 times) was change the locks because I don’t trust people. After that we started cleaning mostly because we weren’t really sure what else to do. We still don’t feel like we bought a house today but we have moving deadlines now so clean we must. Apparently, the people who owned it before didn’t understand you have to clean up your own filth. I swear, they never cleaned or even swept the floors the entire 3 years they lived there, seriously. It’s DISGUSTING! I did a dry sweep of the kitchen/dining room area with a swifter and the pad was completely black! I gagged a little at the sight of it. The same thing happened in the living room. Then hubby scrubbed the floor with a stiff brush with Lysol and the water was black before we knew it. You could see the dirt line on the floor from where he cleaned and where he hadn’t touched yet. I’m still mortified by it. It will be scrubbed at least 2 more times to get it clean enough to be comfortable. I don’t get what’s wrong with people, honestly. They had two cats but this wasn’t a pet issue, this was just dirty people and absolutely no cleaning happening at all. The cats were the cleanest living thing in the house. Ironically, the bathroom floor was the cleanest floor in the entire house. Go figure.

So we still have plenty of cleaning to do, and carpets to replace (again, disgusting) but the house is worth it. I can’t wait to paint so it will have a fresh new look inside. Just the small cleaning it got today, I swear the house would thank us if it could. We even met one of our neighbors. They saw us in the backyard and came right out to say hello, they seemed really happy to hear the house wouldn’t empty anymore. They even gave us a few tips on a broken window on the shed that apparently stray cats frequent and it made me so glad for perceptive and friendly neighbors since we wouldn’t have known until it happened. That will be stopped, now.

I don’t even know what else to say except I still can’t believe it. I have no idea when it will feel real but when it does I will probably cry again. Yes, I cried a little already. It was right after we closed and I was talking on the phone. Saying it out loud made me cry but yet I don’t believe it’s real. Maybe when we move in and stay the first night it will be cemented in my mind. Lets go with that.

I had a story ready to go for Moronic Monday but couldn’t focus at all. It will be back for next week though. Consider this a little detour!

PS: We already had to kill two spiders in the house and we haven't even owned it for 24 hours yet. And by we, I mean hubby. Spider killer/keep them away spray here we come!

I think I was born in the wrong century or possibly I’m possessed.

2009-09-30T03:18:00.004-04:00

Me: “Um, Hun? Something’s wrong with the shredder.”

Husband: (From the other room) “Oh god. What?”

Me: “It won’t do anything. It won’t even go in reverse.”

Husband: Sighs “What did you do?”

Me: “Nothing! I just put the paper in and it stopped halfway through. It’s supposed to be able to shred paper. That’s why they named it a paper shredder.”

He messed with it for a several minutes before dropping it into the garbage.

Husband: “Well, you killed it. Good job.”

Me: “It’s not my fault it couldn’t handle its own job.”

Husband: “You always manage to kill electronics no matter what it is.”

Me: “I don’t kill them. They just break.”

Husband: “Ok, how about the TV a couple months ago? Or the fact that we’ve gone through 3 DVD players in the last year. I won’t even get started on you and computers.”

Me: “The TV just died and I’m pretty sure it was natural causes. The DVD player thing was just a fluke.”

Husband: Laughs “I see you conveniently left out the computers part.”

Me: “Well, technically only one died the rest just went all crazy and I didn’t kill it. It killed itself. I didn’t fry it from the inside out; it did that all on its own!”

I don’t admit it all that often but electronics do tend to mysteriously die/kill themselves around me a lot more often then it seems to happen to other people. I really don’t do stupid things with them, it just happens naturally which is probably even worse. That computer really did fry from the inside out but I wasn’t even touching it. I was actually on the other side of the room when it started growling at me and then it sounded like it was trying to be a helicopter wanting to take off. Seconds later it was dead silent and never functioned again. Not my fault. He gets really nervous when I use his laptop. It sometimes just gives up on me for no reason or flat out refuses to acknowledge I opened it at all. It works perfectly fine for him though. He frequently tells me to just stay away from it claiming it’s innocent and doesn’t deserve to die yet. Whatever. As for the DVD player thing, I have no idea what happened. They died one right after another and before we knew it we had to go buy a new one. I like to think it was just a coincidence that two of the three died when I was the only one home. Our current one is doing just fine though and I use it pretty often, so there.

My husband thought I killed his brand new cell phone last week and I still swear I was totally innocent. He had bought it that day and it had been perfectly fine with him at work. When he got home he handed it to me to look at/play with. It wasn’t in my hand more then a few seconds before it went to a striped blue screen. I hadn’t even touched a single button yet! I made a face at what it was doing and he instantly started to worry. He was like, “What? What did you do?!” I think it just got too excited like when some puppies make a little piddle when they meet someone new. It was totally fine after he shut it off and turned it back on again. He didn’t let me near it for the rest of the night though.

I couldn’t live without most of today’s technology, especially computers but it’s like I was never meant to use them. My family always joked that I kill all things electronic but my hubby never believed it until we started living together. Now he’s just as convinced as they are that they drop like flies around me. Sometimes he says he wishes he could just keep me away from all the electronics in the house plus the knives and stove since I wasn’t meant to be in the kitchen either. Thankfully I’ve never killed a microwave despite it being the kitchen appliance I use the most. We’re getting a brand new washer/dryer set when we move into the house so let’s all hope they don’t die on me too. If they do, my husband just might take me back to the Stone Age because I can’t do much damage there. Actually, I probably could still manage. I can even picture it, “What the hell?! You broke the cave!”

It’s amazing I can even type this without some catastrophic computer malfunction.

Moronic Monday – The Wii is more powerful than drugs.

2009-09-28T02:07:00.005-04:00

Florida police recently taught drug dealers around the world an important lesson in case they ever find themselves in the midst of a drug raid. Always have a working Nintendo Wii around. Oh and it helps to have Wii bowling on hand as well, they apparently can’t resist that. It totally renders them useless at their job.

The sad thing is this actually worked and the drug dealer involved didn’t even try. Florida drug enforcement officers had been watching this man for a while and even went undercover. After working on making their case they got their magical warrant and descended on the dealer’s home. I basically picture them going in all SWAT team like, just the way we see it the movies. You know, more or less. I think the thought process went a little something like this, “FREEZE! Keep your hands up. You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. .. Hey, a Wii! Here, hold my gun I gotta try this! Yes! I got a strike man!” Or however they talk. The funniest (and saddest) thing about this was it wasn’t just one cop that had an attention problem, but a whole group of them joined in instead of doing their actual job, you know the find and pack up the drug evidence part. Hello?! It’s like they saw the Wii game and completely forgot why they burst into the house with their guns and vests on in the first place. Maybe this is how they normally dress to go bowling.

Best part of all though, the guy they were supposed to be making a case against was paranoid (well, duh). He had cameras set up inside his house and they were recording the entire time. So not only did this idiotic group of cops play a video came instead of actually doing their little raid but it was all caught on camera. Of course the video made it online and I have it for you to watch below.

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Did you happen to notice one of the officers jumping very excitedly after a good shot? Can you believe this person was doing this inside a wanted drug dealer’s house when they were supposed to be bagging evidence? Did you also happen to hear that the raid took 9 hours to complete because they were so busy bowling? They literally played for hours! Some reports even said some of the officers would be in the middle of cataloging evidence then put it down to take their turn at the game. I heard a saying once, “If both hands are involved in something, then your brain should be too.” Maybe they should have that printed on their t-shirts and vests instead of Florida PD. Oh, did I mention their epic long drug raid/police bowling contest cost the city $4,000 to complete? Yeah, those tax payers are thrilled.

The kicker though is that they never actually found any drugs in the house, instead they confiscated guns, TVs, video cameras and the computer the footage above was stored on. Of course you would expect that the superiors to these officers would have immediately denounced their behavior right? Well, no not exactly. The county sheriff called the bust, “brilliant police work”. Maybe he meant the bowling scores and not the actual raid. I guess we can only hope.

A story that was just too perfect for the new Moronic Mondays. Maybe next week the coast guard will go for a leisurely swim instead of patrolling the waters.

Moronic Mondays are coming!

2009-09-25T21:54:00.002-04:00

Even though the completely random nature of this blog is part of what makes it so fun for me, I’ve decided to add a little bit of structure. Like many others, I’m making a new weekly installment that I can count on. So many blogs out there have “wordless Wednesdays” which I don’t quite understand since when I come here to post I usually have plenty to say. It seems like so many blogs use Wednesday in general so I thought it would be better to focus on a totally different day. What better day then Monday? No one seems to have much love for Mondays since they usually feel pretty yucky having to let go of one weekend and being so far from the next. So, instead of dreading Mondays I’m going to make them fun by posting about some crazy idiotic story that I might come across.

My new weekly post is going to be called “Moronic Mondays”, which means no matter what else happens here during the week I will always have this on schedule. Not much else is changing so you’ll still find the random posts about whatever pops in my head like you do now. Those won’t be going anywhere and I hope to post every 3 days or so, on top of the new weekly ones. As for what will be on your screen each Monday, it could be anything from news stories or things people say/do that I happen to find. There seems to be never ending supply of just plain stupid things people do and say, so I should always have something to share.

My first post will be this coming Monday (the 28th) so keep an eye out! I hope everyone has fun with it, I know I will!

See you on the new Moronic Monday!

Men will wish they had a penis like the banana slug, but will quickly change their mind.

2009-09-22T07:09:00.008-04:00

Men of the world, do you like your penis? Don’t actually answer that question because I really don’t want to know but you can think it to yourself if you wish. I would be willing to bet that at some point in your life you wished it was bigger because somewhere along the way you became convinced bigger is always better. If you think this, then you are wrong. See, I’m here to fix you and your wives/girlfriends will thank me. Assuming bigger is always better works for a bowl of ice cream or bouquet of roses but not for this particular part of your anatomy (most of the time anyway). After a certain point you might as well try to park a bus inside a one car garage which would just be horrible for everyone. Anyway, I would like you to meet the Banana slug.

Flirting.

This lowly little creature has a pretty shitty life in the grand scheme of things especially since its only 8 inches long. It also happens to have an 8 inch penis which it would probably be pretty happy about although I just foresee back problems but whatever. Before the men get too excited at this (pun, I know – moving on) I should probably tell you that it’s shaped like a corkscrew. They also happen to be hermaphrodites, so they’re male and female at the same time. Apparently they’re against masturbation, just like the bible, so they insist on trading sperm with another Banana slug, which also has a penis. In a nut shell, they leave a smelly streak of slime to attract another slug. Then they eat the slime for a while (uh, ew) before they wrap around each other and trade sperm. After all that fun they then chew each others penis off. Are the men still here or are they on the floor in the fetal position crying?

Since they have a corkscrew of a penis it gets all tangled on the other Banana slug’s penis during their sperm trading party. That’s when they chew them off because they’re problem solvers. After that’s over they go off on their merry way laying eggs all over the place and then abandoning them. They’re horrible parents and even worse sexual partners, clearly. Once they’re done laying eggs they start to grow another penis. They basically look at it the way we do a haircut. They flaunt it, use it and then chop it off only to let it grow back in later except they don’t sit in a chair being pampered and sipping coffee, they instead let their mate rip it off their body. If this is how humans were, we would have died off a long time ago because every man I’ve ever met would rather die then let anyone come near their penis with something sharp. I can see the men cringing from here.

Some researchers also believe that if a Banana slug finds a mate that happens to be smaller then its own penis length, the smaller of the two will chew off some of the large penis until it fits. It would be like a human man having a penis as long as he is tall that would tower over his head and that’s seriously creepy. Then whatever woman he’s with chopping it down to size since he would never find a woman with a 6 foot deep vagina. It’s like an extreme circumcision done on an adult except they would feel everything and then be expected to perform right afterwards. Like I said, humans would have gone extinct.

Of course there’s always that one show off in the group trying to out do all the others. Scientists found a Banana slug that was 6 inches in body length but was sporting a 32.5 inch corkscrew penis. That’s over 5 times its own body length! Chewing that thing off must have taken forever.

So the lesson to all the men of the world is be happy the woman in your life accepted your penis for what it is because the alternative is her coming at you with a meat cleaver in the bedroom. To show your gratitude, go buy a huge bouquet of roses since bigger is always better. ;-)

PS. This is the kind of shit you get when I’m still awake at 6:30am and have access to a computer.

Cosmo magazine thinks we’re all acrobats or gymnasts and I think they’re freaking nuts!

2009-09-18T04:15:00.007-04:00

Dear Cosmo Magazine/ Sex Advice Department,

I’ve been reading Cosmo for years and I honestly have no clue why anymore. I’ve never really come away learning anything from your numerous (stupid) articles about how the color of a man’s shirt shows how serious he is about commitment or the way he eats says how he’ll be in bed or some weird shit like that. It makes no damn sense! I think all of your editors and writers sit around saying, “what kind of stupid shit can we convince them of this month?”

What the hell is up with your new “Sex Position of the Day” thing on your site? You copied the word of the day concept but instead of teaching anyone something useful it’s like you’re trying to kill all your readers or at least land them in the ER with a horrible story to tell. I think you do it on purpose so those same people can later write in for the embarrassing story section and it becomes a never-ending cycle. Oh and who the hell came up with your “carnal challenge” ratings? Have you ever actually attempted the stuff you recommend because if you have then you must be an Olympic gymnast that has no business telling us how easy it is. You should just stick with your hurdles or trapeze and stop trying to contort our lives! And if you’re not a circus gymnast then you’re just insane and should smack yourself in the head with 5 copies of your magazine, while you’re in one of your idiotic positions.

The first one I saw was called, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

Description: “Lie facedown on the bed, then scoot your body forward so your head and torso hang over the side, your palms on the floor supporting your weight. Your man crawls over you and enters from behind, his legs between yours. He can hold onto your hips for leverage to allow him to keep his head and shoulders raised high instead of resting on your back. Your bodies will form a sideways Y for Yes!”

I have an answer for you, NO NO and NO! This messed up excuse for pleasure looks like he’s trying to crack her back while pretending to be a performing seal. All you need is a ball on his nose and we’re magically at the circus all over again. I’m half expecting him to clap like a seal except he would then fall and break his face all while the girl is passed out from the massive blood rush to her head and the pain from her now broken spine.

It keeps getting worse though because when I clicked the next button, it told me I should now try the one called, “The Head Over Heels.”

Description: “Start by lowering yourself to your knees and crossing your arms on the ground in front of you, using a pillow to cushion your elbows. Stick your butt in the air and rest your head on your arms, bracing it on the floor if you need to. Tell your man to stand behind you and lift your legs up by your ankles until your body is almost perpendicular to the floor. Keep your knees bent and have him enter from behind.”

Screw you Cosmo. Is this one a joke? Seriously? I want to know because I can’t even almost picture anyone being like, “honey, do you feel like pretending you’re screwing a wheelbarrow tonight?” Have you even noticed how much this resembles a guy having way too much fun with his yard tool? I can’t be the only one that sees it. That’s not mentioning the fact that this has to be one of the most uncomfortable looking positions I think I’ve ever seen. This is freaking insane! Once again you have a girl who has passed out from the blood rush and a concussion from her head being slammed into the floor, plus a guy that look as if he’s playing dirty landscaper.

Your sex advice is just evil. My husband doesn’t find it sexy when I’m contorted like a pretzel because it makes him want to get me to a chiropractor or neurosurgeon. Plus he finds sex with an unconscious person much too close to sex with a dead person and that’s just horrible.

My advice is to stop letting crazy acrobats write your articles that may or may not have ever had sex themselves because if they did they would know how stupid some of these suggestions really are and then they would just smack their head into a wall for even writing. Oh and if you look at the woman in the “Head Over Heels” picture, her boob is actually falling off. Go back and look if you don’t believe me because it’s obvious whoever makes these things has never actually seen a naked woman before.

You should require anatomy classes for all writers and graphic designers before trying to depict, you know, freaking anatomy!

-LB, The non-contortionist

Sex toy makers are now trying to cash in on necrophilia.

2009-09-15T01:47:00.011-04:00

I’m creeped out that this even exists for me to write about. The sad part is although I find it beyond creepy I’m not all that surprised. This is the kind of world we live in people, a very weird world. Oh and this is totally not safe for work so consider yourself warned!

Have you heard of Twilight? That was probably a dumb question. Anyway, everyone knows it’s about a vampire and a human girl that fall in love and um that’s basically it. I’ve never read the books or seen the movie so I don’t know the little details but I know enough that makes me never want to know the rest. I do know that teen girls go absolutely gaga over the cast though. Apparently a sex toy company saw the insane obsession with the series and a hole in the market they decided was up to them to fill. Ready for this? They made a vampire inspired dildo. And they named it “The Vamp”. I couldn’t even attempt to make this shit up. Here’s the picture to prove it:

See? It’s a dildo that is supposed to be like what a vampire’s penis would be. Not just any type of vampire though but specifically a Twilight vampire. Apparently the vampires from Twilight sparkle. Yes, they sparkle. I don’t have the faintest idea why but that’s one of the unique things about them, I guess. So this company made their toy sparkle to make it more “real”. I told you this was weird. Did you happen to notice the color? It’s not your computer screen playing tricks on you. They purposely made it look like it could be on a walking dead corpse. Seriously! The company even says, “..a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deadly pale flesh tone..” What the fuck is THAT about? Do people really get off on using a death colored dildo? According to this company they do. WEIRD!

They don’t stop there though. For the people who want this thing, having it look like sparkly death (I can’t believe I even typed that) isn’t enough. No, they had to take it a step further. I couldn’t possibly say it any better then the company did themselves so here is exactly what they wrote in the product description:

“Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.” You should read that at least 3 times to get the full scope of how horrible of a statement it really is.

They literally designed the toy to be placed in the refrigerator so that the customer could get off using a dildo that not only looks dead but FEELS dead. Not only that but they believe it to be an authentic experience as if you could really just walk outside and screw a vampire all in his sparkle glory. What the hell?! It’s screwed up on at least 7 different levels. Probably more. They also go on to say, “..don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking The Vamp out in the sunlight and watch it sparkle.” Not only are they condoning playing with necrophilia dildos but they’re encouraging people to do so in public, in daylight!

This horror of a product can be yours for a mere $40. Apparently sparkly dead sex doesn’t come cheap. The feels like sparkly death penis toy can be found here. (In case you just have to see for yourself.)

PS. I was nominated for an award by a new follower and it’s a total first! I’m supposed to post a whole thing about it and nominate other people but I couldn’t resist writing this post so I’ll do it later. Thanks Zen Mama!

PPS. I had to re-ad the picture of The Vamp since photobucket deleted the other one because they found it just as disturbing as I did. Actually, it violated their terms of service which I think means basically the same thing. All is fine now.

PPPS. Is it really strange that this is probably my favorite post ever?

If I believed in omens, I would be worried right now.

2009-09-14T02:15:00.001-04:00

I’ve finally decided to give in and start packing although the entire idea totally stresses me out. I detest moving mostly because we did it so often when I was younger. I hate the idea of watching my life be reduced to a cardboard box. The only fun part is getting the new home but it’s short lived when the cardboard boxes follow you and now you have to put your entire life back together. It’s a like some screwed up life sized jigsaw puzzle and I’ve never liked puzzles. I’m also an obsessive labeler to the point where pretty much everything in the box is written on the outside. My husband thinks it’s crazy since his idea of labeling is “kitchen,” and mine is an actual list of what things from the kitchen are hiding behind the brown boxes from hell. Basically, I’ve banned him from labeling at all.

Even though we don’t have a set closing date yet and we’re still waiting for proof of termite treatment (from 3 years ago) from the owner that the inspector is demanding I’ve decided to let the what-ifs go and start packing the non-essentials. This means our office/guest bedroom because there’s nothing all that important to daily life in there. Well, except some paperwork but that can easily find a new home in the meantime.

Once I agreed to start packing is when the omen-if-there-were-such-a-thing came in. We headed out to get some cardboard boxes on Saturday and basically the skies opened up. I don’t mean it sprinkled and we all just ignored it. No, I mean buckets of water came pouring from the sky where if you even thought about opening your car door you were already soaked through to your skin. Not to mention it was also humid so basically it was a bad mood inducing day. So there we are to get cardboard boxes that enjoy disintegrating when wet when monsoon season decided to make an appearance. Did I mention it hasn’t actually rained here in weeks? Yeah, it was fantastic timing and I refused to get out of the car which means only Hubby actually got wet because he refused to use my bright pink umbrella.

Somehow we actually caught a short break in the rain to get them into the car so the trip wasn’t a total loss. It didn’t actually stop raining though; it went from full on monsoon to steady rain. It still wasn’t a good situation but it was better then the alternative we were facing. So after all that we then had to bring the boxes into our apartment and find a place to store them. They’ve been here since then still in the folded state and I haven’t packed a thing. I will, I swear, I just can’t guarantee exactly when that will happen. I’m hoping for tomorrow but don’t hold your breath because you’ll most likely die and I don’t want that on my hands. I also don’t really know where to start even though I’ve narrowed down a room to begin with. That’s another one of my packing issues, I never know what to pack first and it just gives me a headache. So you can picture me standing in our office/guest room looking around wondering what corner to attack first.

Any moving/packing tips? I’m hoping to avoid the stressful side of moving as much as possible so I can enjoy it but I haven’t invented that magic potion yet. If you have, then please send it my way.

Baby names have seriously gone to hell.

2009-09-10T16:52:00.003-04:00

Actual conversation from yesterday while reading celebrity 'news'.

Me: "Wow."

Husband: "What?"

Me: "Nicole Ritchie had a baby today. They named him SPARROW."

Husband: "SPARROW? As in a bird?"

Me: "Yeah."

Husband: "Why the hell do these people keep naming their kids incredibly stupid ass names?!"

Me: "Hold on, let me find the whole name again. Okay, it's SPARROW JAMES MIDNIGHT MADDEN."

Husband: "What the fuck?! It's a boy?"

Me: "Yes, it's a boy."

Husband: "What the fuck?! They're seriously setting that kid up to get his ass kicked."

Me: "I think they wanted it to match their daughter, HARLOW. I think that's what it is."

Husband: "HARLOW?"

Me: "Yeah, HARLOW WINTER KATE MADDEN."

Husband: "Really? Damn. What's next, MARROW ZIPPY SPRING?"

Me: "Wow. That's just horrible."

Husband: "And naming your kid after a bird at midnight isn't horrible?"

Me: "Well yeah, it is. I don't know, maybe they really really liked the movie Pirates of the Carribean a little bit too much. You know, as in Jack Sparrow - the hot pirate."

*He rolled his eyes at the hot pirate part.*

Husband: "Okay, fine. I like Forrest Gump and The Dark Knight so lets name our kid GUMP JOKER BUBBA."

Me: "That's even worse then the other name! You scare me sometimes."

Husband: "Well the crap people name their kids scares me."

It scares me too.

The house isn’t going to blow up or collapse so basically it was a good day.

2009-09-09T18:23:00.004-04:00

The bank finally decided to accept our offer and it was amazing and totally weird at the same time because they did it by email. Seriously. I didn’t even know banks did anything by email but apparently this is casual enough for them to let our acceptance pop up next to the Viagra spam emails and helping some Nigerian prince who needs a gazillion dollars.

So after that we had to be on top of our deadlines for inspections and appraisals even though the bank didn’t follow theirs. Yesterday was the big day and it was exciting and nausea inducing all at the same time. We showed up and the team of people to judge our house showed up ready to rip it apart. Machines were set up for Radon testing which we still don’t have the answer for yet and the furnace was probed like it was abducted by aliens. Then beams were beaten to death looking for termites and the guy went up on the roof looking like a summer version of Santa. When everything was done we had one report in our hands that said the boiler was old but working fine and could last for a long time but honestly, no one really knows for sure. Then later we got the inspection report by email (notice a pattern here) that listed the things he found wrong but they were all minor which was great but now we still have a list of things that are against codes that we have to fix like an emergency switch for the boiler in the wrong spot and no banister on the basement stairs. We won’t know the appraisal results or Radon levels until sometime next week and I’m running out of patience.

The house was a total mess because the lady who lived there apparently doesn’t understand that when you move out you’re supposed to take all your junk with you. She also doesn’t understand that no one wants all her junk because she’s planning an “indoor yard sale” for the coming weekend. The whole point of a yard sale is it’s supposed to be in the freaking yard. There was also a missing door at the top of the basement stairs that the listing agent tried telling me never existed which was total bullshit. I know for a fact it did because I touched it at our first viewing of the house and the hinges were like right next to her head as she tried telling me there was never a door. Besides the door, everything else was where it was supposed to be so I guess we should be happy. I want the damn door though.

So now we still have to wait to get all the reports in and then wait for the underwriters to make a final decision and wait for the closing date. The waiting never really ends. I haven’t started packing because none of this feels real yet. I keep waiting for someone to pull it out from under us even though everyone says we should be packing by now. I really am an eternal pessimist.

I’ve decided to adopt the view that since the roof isn’t going to fall in, the foundation isn’t going to collapse and the boiler isn’t going to blow the house into tiny pieces then it was a successful inspection. Well, so far anyway.

UPDATE: So I totally love our Radon dude because he picked up the machine this morning and I just got the report (by email - this is so funny) and it's good news! We're no where near the dangerous level at all, so yay it's safe to be inside the house! The level itself is considered low so I'm thrilled. Now we just need the appraisal which we probably won't have until next week sometime.

UPDATE #2: The appraisal report just came in even earlier then we thought! It's good news! It appraised at the amount we needed for the sale. So YAY! Now all the reports are in and being sent to the right people.

Phew! We've seriously gone from a complete standstill to about 70mph in just a few days!

“They’ll have it by Tuesday” really means they’ll have it whenever they hell they feel like it. Apparently.

2009-08-27T23:03:00.001-04:00

So, we’re still trying to buy the same house we started with last April. Yes, that means we’ve been waiting on the same damn house for over 4 months. It’s a short sale so it’s not all that shocking to anyone that knows how they work, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. We went months without a single update and then were given a big one last Thursday. Our agent called after hearing from the listing agent who had just talked to the short sale negotiator. Basically, it was an adult version of the phone game. The update was that we would have an approval letter from the bank by Tuesday. As in the Tuesday that just passed two days ago. It’s now almost Friday and we have shit.

We called our agent yesterday who then called the listing agent who promised to call the short sale negotiator to see what’s going on. So, the earlier phone came in reverse. The negotiator still hasn’t responded so the phone tag is now on hold. We were supposed to be at the end of the road. It was supposed to be all over and ready to move onto the inspection steps and then head towards closing. Now, we’re back in limbo with no idea what’s going on. This whole process really sucks! If you ever have a chance to buy a short sale, don’t. Just take my word for it; it’s for your own sanity.

The crazy thing is when our agent told me on the phone last week that we would have the approval by Tuesday I didn’t even really react. I was in shock that we were getting a real update with actual useful information. Our agent was like, “If I were you, I’d be happy! This is a good thing!” But now I realize I was right in not reacting because apparently it all meant nothing anyway. The bank was just talking out of their ass which they’re so ridiculously good at. They’ve had $1,000 of our money since April when the original contract was signed. We’re paying more for rent because we’re month to month now and we’re inching closer and closer to the deadline for the first-time homebuyers’ credit. This house is costing us money and we don’t even own it yet!

Other great things happened this week so I’m trying not to complain but I’m clearly not winning that battle.

Here are three very important lessons:

1. Never buy a short sale.
2. Bank deadlines don’t mean shit when they’re supposed to do something.
3. Never buy a short sale.

I’m going to go watch Dirty Dancing and eat frozen yogurt because they make me happy.

I survived the spider attack and now people are asking me masturbation advice.

2009-08-21T02:16:00.002-04:00

So I have survived the dreaded spider attack but not without injury. My foot is fine but I’m now paranoid sitting on my own couch which means its emotional damage. If I could sue the spider I would but it’s dead and down my toilet so it would be pretty hard to serve it papers. Lets hope it’s little friends stay away because I don’t need another panic attack. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to keep those to a minimum as much as possible. Oh by the way, I did stay up all night that fateful evening. I couldn’t get myself into bed until around 8am and thankfully I didn’t have anything to do that day. Attila the Mom made it worse when she shared her story about a crackly spider under her pillow, so now I hunt through my bed with a flashlight before getting in because I needed to be even more neurotic. Thanks for that. I like your blog so I’ll forgive you. Just no more horrible spider stories please.

Anyway, since my arachnid fiasco some people of the world have come to my blog for help. One reader found my blog by typing in “is being drunk like insomnia” and the answer is yes and no not really. Glad I could help. Actually, the scary thing is in my top 10 searches that brought people here, 6 of them are different variations of “drunk” and “insomnia” which means that the lushes of the world are also low on sleep which is a horrible combination and they’re coming to ME for advice. Seriously, we’re screwed!

I also attracted someone that searched, “can germaphobes become doctors?” That’s the last thing we need in our medical community, a doctor that’s afraid of germs. Imagine going in for the flu and you sneeze and the doctor runs screaming from the room. Also someone from New Zealand found me by looking up “doctor conversations on Ebola,” which only makes me wonder what the hell is going on there. Seriously, I would love to know as long as it’s through the safety of the computer screen, because Ebola scares the shit out of me. It should scare you too; even if you’ve never heard of it just take my word for it. I’m the queen of advice now.

The best one by far was about masturbation and God. The person searched, “does God get mad if you masturbate,” and they found me. Doesn’t that make you, as readers, oh so very proud? It did for me. I think it’s a fun moment when someone searches God and masturbation in the same line and get directed to you. It’s also a bit scary. This blog comes up in the number 3 slot for this search which means two other things are just as fucked up as this is. However, both things were questions/answers from Yahoo Answers so it makes sense, really. The first one was, “Why does God punish us for masturbating?” Honestly, I don’t know what punishment they’re talking about but maybe that’s another thing I missed when I wasn’t going to bible study. The second one was more interesting though, “Does God get mad when an atheist takes a Christian girl’s virginity? Seriously, do you think that kind of thing makes him mad?” Um, probably.

Right after those two things is where I show up although it was probably seriously disappointing to the poor horny little teen looking for real advice because the search links to a post about God getting mad when you call his prayer a curse and another one about mockingbirds needing to masturbate so I could sleep. Honestly, how much help could that have been? But, in case they search again this post should come up and if so then my answer is, everyone does it anyway so just go for it. God will forgive you, I assume.

I just single-handedly corrupted someone so if I don’t post again for like 2 weeks it’s time to be concerned because some angry parent killed me with a giant spider for answering the masturbation question. If you think about it, I protected them! They could have found this out on the streets but instead they learned it here at my so very innocent blog and are now masturbating in the safety of their bedroom/bathroom. You’re welcome!

Blogging while hyperventilating is probably a bad idea.

2009-08-07T05:40:00.001-04:00

I’m freaking the hell out right now! A thing I dread and fear everyday just happened and I’m losing my mind! A spider just walked on my foot! Just now when I was sitting on the couch watching a movie. I hate those things with a passion and the idea of one touching me sends me into a near panic attack. I was just sitting here and I suddenly felt that creepy crawly feeling and looked and there it was on my toe. I flung my foot like crazy while trying very hard not to scream since it was past 4am and I didn’t want my husband waking up thinking I was being murdered or something.

I basically had a mini panic attack right at that second because it had just been touching me and then I didn’t know where it went when I freaked out and I didn’t want to touch the floor because it might touch me again. I could barely breathe and was all hot and sweating while frantically trying to spot the evil thing on the floor. I finally found it hiding under the coffee table after sprinting across the living room to get to the flash light to help me see it. I probably woke up our downstairs neighbors when I beat the thing to its death with my husband shoe. It had to be his shoe because I could never actually use my own. Ew! Then I got it with a tissue and threw it in the toilet and flushed. When I opened the lid the damn thing was still there floating dead in the water! It was like it was haunting me from my toilet. I flushed like 6 more times to be sure it was gone. Then I sanitized the shoe, my hands and of course my foot. I scrubbed my foot so hard it hurts.

Now I’m all freaked out and can’t stop looking around making sure another one isn’t near me. I keep feeling like something is crawling all over me and it’s creeping me out! I can’t stand spiders. They should all just be gone. I know they serve some purpose and blah blah blah but they scare the shit out of me! If they could all just stay outside and never come near me at all then I could deal with them. I can’t get myself to go to bed now because I’m afraid one will crawl on me in my sleep. So now it’s almost 6am and I’m blogging about it since there’s nothing else I can do. My choice is write about it or panic and I’m doing both.

Someone get me a brown paper bag. Or an oxygen tank.

Apparently some people don’t know cats make really bad lit candle babysitters.

2009-08-05T02:09:00.004-04:00

Thinking, "What happens if I swat at it? Hmm"
I can’t even believe the story I just read. It’s sad actually. A local woman is seriously regretting spending so much money at Yankee Candle tonight. She’s also probably regretting her pet choice but that’s really unfair since the cat didn’t ask for any of this. She admitted she’s a big lover of scented candles and has them lit in her home pretty often. For a reason I cannot fathom she lit a few and then left her house! Didn’t anyone ever teach her this is a huge no-no in the candle etiquette world? On top of that, she left the candles lit with her cat left home alone. Can we say DUH? Cats are very predictable. We all know that they literally have a list of about 5 things they do each day; eat, drink, sleep, lick themselves and jump/walk on surfaces of all heights. That’s really the limit of their day. You have a sweet cat if cuddle is on that list but some don’t want to be bothered. Don’t get me wrong, I adore cats but they’re pretty much an easy to understand pet.

As you can guess, the cat jumped up on some surface, walked near a candle and knocked it over. The candle obviously landed on or near a flammable surface (which is pretty much anything in the average home) and it caught fire. Moments later there were flames shooting out of the second story window and firefighters arrived on scene. They said when they went inside they could see other lit candles on the main floor as they dashed upstairs to put out the fire. Thankfully they were able to save the cat but not much of the upstairs. The woman now has more then $20,000 in damages to her second story. All because she wanted the house to smell of lavender or cucumber melon. I don’t think normal insurance policies cover “I left my cat alone with my lit candles and he burned the house down”.

It doesn’t end there though because last week there was another cat/candle related fire in my state. This time the people were home but left the candles unattended in a room their cats had access to. Again, the cat went near the candle, it fell over and their apartment went up in flames. Sadly one of the cats died in that fire but the other was saved. The people all survived but couldn’t return to their home due to the damages. A few of their neighbors were also displaced due to the fire.

Obviously I feel bad for these families since one lost their beloved pet and both ended up with a lot of damages but I can’t help but be a little tough on them too. I grew up with cats and a mother who was a huge fan of scented candles. There was always at least one in every room and others in the closet for different seasons. She loved them! However, when they were lit they were never left unattended since there were two kids and cats in the house. If she was going to have some lit then she was going to be in that room. It just seems obvious to me that you wouldn’t leave them lit in that type of situation. I really can’t get over the woman who thought nothing of leaving her house with candles going. I would never do that no matter what type of pets I had or none at all. It’s just DUH!

Its stories like this that make me understand why my grandmother hates candles with a passion. Even when people give them to her as gifts she will never light them. Personally, I don’t light candles unless the lights go out. It’s not because I’m afraid of them but because I have no sense of smell (see this post that explains why I can’t smell) and can’t fully appreciate them. I have a bunch but they’re just used as decorations most of the time. Other people picked them out so I just have to take their word for it that they smell good. Being that they’re vanilla and french vanilla is probably a pretty safe bet though.

I get that people never think anything is going to happen to them (I’m not one of them, I’m more convinced everything is going to happen to me) but this world needs a lot more common sense!

So note to people, cats and candles don’t mix!

I ended up with a sunburn and almost threw up for my birthday and it was awesome!

2009-07-31T01:27:00.002-04:00

My birthday has come and gone but it was a great one. It actually was celebrated over two days which honestly is the best way to do it. Saturday was a family celebration that they went all out for and surprised me with. From signs around the neighborhood wishing me a happy birthday to banners and streamers and even a piñata just for kicks. It was crazy and fun all at the same time. I felt like a little kid again which is a fun gift in itself. My family is pretty awesome that way. Sunday was the trip to Six Flags and I’m so glad we went. A whole bunch of weird and funny things happened and I almost puked but it was fun and I can’t wait to go back.

To start, we woke up early to a rain storm which made us all nervous. Thankfully it cleared up well before we made it to the park. We were one of the first people there so parking was a breeze. We rode on the tram to take us up the hill to the entrance when we learned the tram driver hates his job. He shared so we just nodded and listened. I would hate his job too so I can’t blame him. Then we hiked up the steps and over the bridge to the main gate. We got in line right near the front and waited the 25 minutes until they opened. Next thing we knew two gates away from us were opened and allowing people in. Then the handicap/stroller gate opened but not the one we were in front of or the one next to us. A guy in front got a ticket takers attention and asked if the gate was being opened. She said no and that we had to go to the back of the long ass line. That was NOT happening. There was no way we were going to get in a never-ending line behind people who just pulled up. We stepped over into the handicap/stroller line along with everyone else and waited. Someone nearby said “they better not say we can’t go in this gate,” and the guy in front of us loudly said, “Oh! They’re letting ME in!” Once he said that though we got our way and they opened the original gate we were waiting for. It was really silly. Once in the park we rented a locker and then waited behind a red rope as an overly perky woman narrated a character dance show before they “officially” opened. I’m not a morning person and hate crazy perky morning people, but I had my caffeine for the day so I didn’t feel the urge to kill her. Maybe smack her but not commit murder.

After the mess of getting in was over we jumped in the first line and raced around a wooden rollercoaster built in the 40s. It makes you feel like you might die but that’s part of the fun! Next we hit the big coaster of the park and it’s almost straight drop. As always, it was awesome! I could ride that all damn day. A while later we made a bathroom stop and I had a surprise waiting for me in my stall. Apparently some woman decided wearing a bra to the park is just silly, as she left it on top of the toilet paper dispenser. I couldn’t believe it. If I had a camera on me I would have snapped a picture just to prove it to you. I also learned in this same bathroom that Six Flags must use all their water for the water rides because they only give you about point 5 second burst of water at a time to wash your hands. So you stand there like an idiot trying to get it to give you a few more drops to actually get the soap off. Then getting paper towel is like a weird “wax on – wax off” reenactment because it gives you a square the size of a CD case and you have to keep waving at the box to get more. No wonder men just wipe their hands on their pants!

I guess the rain scared away a lot of people because the lines were really short especially for middle of summer. We never waited more then 20 minutes for a ride and usually it was much less then that. We made fun of the flash pass people because they wasted money when it really wasn’t needed. Did you know those things cost $30.00 per person for the day?! Its nuts! I rather just wait. You can count it as family or friend bonding time as you try to entertain each other. You also have to pay $3.50 for a bottle of water if you want to avoid passing out from heat stroke. Some people can skip this all day but I’m not one of them. I dehydrate like it’s a fashion statement so I have to basically inhale water like it’s going out of style. This backfired on me at one point when I drank too much water too fast and then got on a ride that spun you in circles really fast as it swung you through the air. Yeah, it wasn’t my brightest moment. I got off the ride ready to throw up and never wanting to go near that ride again. I never ever get sick on rides so I knew it had to be because of the water. It took a while to recover so I had to sit down like an old lady and wait for the urge to go all exorcist chick on everyone went away. It was good times.

At one point we were next in line for a ride and watched as a particularly large woman was kicked off the ride for being too big. The ride attendant person was as nice as she could be about it but I still felt so bad. She had to feel humiliated in front of all those people but that was nothing compared to what the guy she was with did. I think it was her boyfriend but if not it was at least a friend she was there with. As she was walking away he sat there laughing his ass off with the other friends about her being kicked off. We could hear him and he was a few rows down! It was horrible. Still thinking he was her boyfriend I couldn’t help turn to our group and say, “well, we know he’s not getting laid tonight.” I still feel bad for the poor woman and I hope she let him have it once he was done with his ride. Asshole. We also found out the people that work at Six Flags don’t know a thing about what goes on in Six Flags. They don’t know their own show schedule and have no idea why the rides they run are randomly shut down for a bit. It’s not very reassuring at all if you think about it for more then 3 seconds so I recommend you don’t.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful until we left. About 15 minutes after we left the park we literally drove into a wall of rain. One second it was dry and sunny and the next we were in the middle of a monsoon. Everyone had to drive at about 5 MPH and pretend you could see where you were going. Then just as fast as it began, it stopped. I looked up and the most amazing rainbow I have ever seen appeared. It was bright and each color was easily distinguished as it was in full arch across the sky. We tried to get pictures but it wouldn’t show up on the camera. It was truly beautiful. Traffic slowed down again because everyone was trying to get a good look at it. Those don’t happen very often around here. It wasn’t one that disappeared really fast either, it lingered for a long time. After a little while traffic slowed way down again and we had no idea why. We later realized it was all because some car was pulled to the side of the road where a guy stood smoking. Why that caused a slow traffic jam is beyond me. I guess it was entertaining to some people or confusing, either way it caused us to take 30 minutes to drive what should have taken about 10.

Also on the way home we spotted a Virgin Mary statue standing in the woods facing the highway right before we saw a man taking a shit next to his car on the side of the road. That’s the kind of world we live in people. I couldn’t let myself forget any of this so I ended up taking notes in the car on an empty envelope. I called it my cliffnotes of the trip. It was also on the way home that I realized I had developed a sunburn on my chest and that really made me feel special. I had managed to burn while wearing 85spf sunscreen on a cloudy day. Yes, I am that talented! It’s not a really bad one but it was enough to cause some pain. I now can understand the appeal of those women who wear fabric from head-to-toe. We saw some at Six Flags with those on and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re called. Whatever they are and for, they are definitely great protection from the sun! Overall it was a great trip and I want to go back every day. We might go back in October when I hopefully won’t have such a sunburn and heat stroke problem. One can only hope.

Even though I had scorched skin, chills from the heat, a sore ass from the wooden rollercoasters that make you slam into your seat and almost threw up projectile vomit style it was a blast and I really enjoyed my birthday!

Thanks for the birthday wishes! =)

My birthday is on Monday and I feel old and young at the same time.

2009-07-24T23:17:00.003-04:00

It’s that time of year again! Not Christmas, just my birthday. I’ve always loved that my birthday was in the summer but since it’s at the end of July, it always reminds me that it’s almost over. It’s kind of always been bittersweet especially back in my school says. That actually always sucked. My birthday would be close and suddenly everything was about “back to school” sales and whatever. Now that doesn’t matter but the day isn’t as fun as it used to be.

I’m still young being in my early twenties but a birthday doesn’t change anything anymore. Remember the days when turning one year older was the biggest thing to happen to you? Like when you turned 10 and you were finally in the double digits. Then when you turned 13 and were officially a teenager. Turning 15 and that’s the year you start learning to drive. Year 16 feels huge in a ton of different ways plus its then legal to drive alone. When your 18th birthday hits it’s huge because now you’re legally an adult. Year 20 is even better because you can finally shed the “teen” at the end of your age. Turning 21 is big for people who want to drink or gamble, but anything after that and it doesn’t matter how old you are anymore. Unless you want to be president, in that case you have a good milestone left. Every milestone from 22+ is negative. People freak when they turn 30 and when you turn 50, everything is about you being “over the hill”. Then everything after that people will just call you old. Aging is such a shitty thing if you really think about it.

Honestly, I’m happy with my age. I’m not old and I’m not really young so it’s kind of a nice balance right now. It kills me though when someone asks, “how does it feel to be –insert new age here-?” Um, the same as it did yesterday? That’s all I can think to answer when someone asks that question. I don’t feel any different on my birthday anymore so am I must be missing something. A friend (who shall remain nameless) asked me the other day, “So, how does it feel having your birthday coming up?” I’ve been expecting these questions so I just turned with a straight face and said, “It tickles with a slight burn afterwards.” She had no idea what the hell I was talking about. She probably thought I was telling her I had urinary tract infection or something. Once she got it she laughed and told me I was crazy which really isn’t telling me anything I don’t already know. But hey, if people are going to ask me weird questions I’m going to give them weird answers. I think that’s my new motto.

Since my actual birthday is on Monday and the world refuses to stop for me, we’re celebrating over the weekend. Everyone wanted to know what I wanted to do as if I had been planning it all year. I had no clue until yesterday. We’re going to Six Flags. That’s right. I’m celebrating my birthday by being hurled through the air at high speeds and twisted all over the place. Who needs cake when you can swallow your stomach while flying through the sky upside down? It’s going to be hot and probably busy but oh well, its part of the whole adventure. The crazy part of amusement parks are the people you witness. After spending a few hours there you walk away really understanding the saying of, “it takes all kinds”. Depending on what happens, you might even hear about it later.

So, I’m turning a year older and I don’t feel any different about it. It should be a good birthday though!

“Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece?”

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.”

My local mall is taking inspiration from an Amsterdam brothel.

2009-07-19T20:07:00.004-04:00

This isn't what I saw. Just an example.
Have you been to your local mall recently? I went to a few around here in the last few weeks and learned something new. I’ve learned that a certain store is taking inspiration from a brothel. I know that sounds very odd but work with me here. I won’t say the same of the store but let’s just say its name is a wet ocean animal with flippers. These animals often balance a ball on their nose. Get it now? Anyway, the store itself is fine and the clothing is okay if it’s your style but that’s not my issue. My issue is they now have teenage girls and young adult women standing in their display windows to model their clothing. They just stand there in silence, usually two or three at a time. I’m sorry but seeing these girls standing behind glass is just weird!

I get that they’re trying to show shoppers what their clothes look like on real people instead of manikins but it’s just too awkward. All it reminds me of is those brothels with the prostitutes sitting on display for people to pick from. I know that’s a very odd jump but I for some reason go there in my mind. Not that I hang out in brothels or anything. As you walk by you can see people staring at them in disbelief so I’m not the only one who finds it surprising. The thing that really kills me is that many times the girls are pretty young. Some don’t even look at least 16 years old! I don’t know how long they have to stand in there or anything but I’d be surprised if many parents are okay with it, who knows they might not even know what the job exactly is. I’m not a mother yet but I know I wouldn’t want my teenage daughter on display like that.

Couldn’t they just have the clothing models walk around the store in their clothes to give customers a real life example instead of putting them in the display window? I would find that much less weird.

Am I totally off base here or do any of you find this completely weird too? If you had a teenage daughter would you let her take this job?

Does God get all mad when you call His blessing a curse or spell? If so, then I’m screwed!

2009-07-16T16:22:00.003-04:00

You should probably read the post right before this one titled, “A woman selling her house threatened to hunt us down and possibly put a curse on us.” Seriously, go read it then come back here. It will make much more sense that way.

After writing yesterday’s blog I decided to look up what exactly the writing above the doors meant. I had no clue what was going to pop up but I really wasn’t expecting the true answer. It turns out it’s not a curse at all. It’s not a spell either. Apparently it’s a blessing the Catholic church uses around Christmas time. Yeah, I was totally off base on this one, or more my Husband was. Let’s blame him.

Apparently, some Catholic churches hand out white chalk to the congregation for them to write this blessing above their front doors. Here’s how it breaks down.

The writing I saw in the house was:
“20+C+M+B+06”

The numbers part represent the year the blessing was written, so in this case it was in “2006”. The letters “CMB” stand for “Christus Mansionem Benedicat” in Latin which translates into “May God bless this house”. So yeah, I totally interpreted that wrong and clearly I’m not Catholic.

Apparently just walking through the door means your blessed and now I kind of feel like shit. I mean I don’t think God likes it when you see a blessing/prayer and think “Ohmygod we’ve been cursed!” But honestly, how was I supposed to know? I’m not Catholic but I’ve been to several masses especially around Christmas and we were never given chalk to go tag our house, so really it’s not my fault. My husband isn’t Catholic and neither is our agent so really we can’t be held accountable for our interpretation. Plus, one of my readers agreed it sounded like a curse so we’re no the only ones. At least I’ll be going to hell with company.

It doesn’t make the crazy lady all innocent though! Basically she insulted God too because she didn’t act the way she was supposed to with this blessing in her house. This is what the blessing stands for when used in the home.

"It's a blessing for the people living there and a reminder that whenever someone comes to their homes, they should be greeted with hospitality."

Um, I’m pretty sure she failed! Being rude and threatening to hunt people down isn’t exactly being hospitable. So, basically we all insulted God and it sucks. I blame that woman though. Maybe if she had been all nice and been like, “Thank you for coming and God bless you,” then we probably wouldn’t have thought curse and been like ‘maybe it’s a prayer’. Ok, I would have never thought it was blessing or prayer but I would have left the whole curse thing out of it. Probably.

So, I’m sorry God. I apologize for my husband and likeminded reader as well. That lady though, she’s on her own because I don’t appreciate being stalked and I’m pretty sure the bible says that’s wrong too.

A woman selling her house threatened to hunt us down and possibly put a curse on us.

2009-07-15T01:40:00.002-04:00

Anyone who has read some of my earlier posts knows we’re housing hunting right now and have been since the beginning of this year. We’ve seen tons of homes and even put offers in on a few only to be rejected in competition. So much for a slow market when we’ve been in a bidding war on every single house! Right now we’re trying to buy a short sale and it’s been in the limbo stage for almost 3 months and it’s really testing my patience and sanity level. Even though we’re waiting for an answer we have still been actively hunting in case anything better comes up which so far hasn’t happened.

If you’ve ever bought a house and looked at a bunch then you know you meet some interesting people. Most of the time we don’t even see the people selling the house but a few times they sit in one room and wait as we walk through. Can we say AWKWARD? No one wants to walk through and judge someone else’s house with them sitting/standing right there watching and waiting. It feels weird. I prefer when it’s just us and our agent that way we can speak freely and express different concerns without feeling strange. Yesterday was an exception though. We met the mother of all horrible sellers!

We had an appointment to see a house that’s been on the market for quite a while and now I totally get why. We showed up on time and the woman was still there. Most people are gone well before we arrive but she purposely waited for us to pull up with our agent. She then came out and was rude right from the start. We stayed aside and let our agent talk with her and she was just nasty. The first thing she said was “do not lock the kitchen door to the breezeway or else! I have your plates so I’ll be able to find you if you do.” The tone she said this in it was clear she was dead serious. I was floored and just looked at my husband in awe. Our agent stayed friendly and gave her his card and assured her that we wouldn’t touch the door. She then handed him a sheet of rules she wrote up about looking at her house. Totally not normal! Right before she pulled away she sharply demanded she be called when we were finished as she was only planning on going for coffee. So right off the bad we felt like we were on a tight time limit or something.

Once she was gone we entered the house and the weird things continued. The first thing we noticed was the door connecting the breezeway to the garage was locked and barricaded with a chair. We assumed there must be a dog in there so we knocked to see if a dog would react before opening the door. Everything was silent so we carefully removed the chair and peered inside. There was nothing but a couch and a work bench full of tools. Was she afraid the couch would grab a hammer and attack her? Who knows? We even checked the garage door to see if it wasn’t secure but it was completely solid and locked. It made no sense at all. We just put it back the way it was so she didn’t have a fit. I then noticed something written on the wall right above the door in the breezeway to the outside. It said, “20+C+M+B+06”. I kind of dismissed it assuming it was one of those ‘we were here’ things that kids do.

As we continued through the house we realized why it wasn’t selling. Every room needed serious updating and desperately. When we went into the living room the odd writing was there again. It was on the wall right above the front door. The room had clearly been recently painted so why would someone write over fresh paint is beyond me. It said the same exact thing as the other door, “20+C+M+B+06”. I have no idea what this means! It was above each door that led to the outside. My husband made a joke that it was a spell or curse or something. It was funny but not at the same time with how crazy this woman appeared to be. After finishing our walkthrough we realized this wasn’t the house for us and prepared to leave. Our agent called her to let her know we were finished just as she requested. About 3 or 4 minutes later she called our agent back to ask if we were going to buy the house. Seriously! After it was explained it just wasn’t the right fit she actually got mad. She made a comment about us wasting her time and making her leave her house for no reason! By that point we were eager to leave before she returned and had a hysterical fit! I honestly feel bad for her listing agent. I could never deal with this woman.

Clearly she’s upset about selling her home and I can understand that but I would never treat someone that way, especially potential buyers for my home. The whole thing was just weird. The home isn’t going to sell at her price. She’s way over priced for the condition of the home plus if she keeps treating people this way she will never sell. She just instantly turns people off. You almost expect her to be the kind of person to still show up even after she sells. No buyer wants that!

If anyone has any clue what the writing on the wall was I would love to know! Also if you know how to reverse a possible curse/spell that would be great too. You know, just in case!

Food, Fireworks and Fun! Oh my!

2009-07-05T23:30:00.000-04:00

So HAPPY (late) FOURTH of JULY to all my American readers! Did you have fun for the holiday weekend? I hope so because I totally did. We did some cooking and went to a cookout with family and friends. We ate way way too much food and still pigged out on dessert. I need to do like 1,000 crunches and run like 18 gazillion miles to work it all off now. We could have fed an army with all the food. No one was allowed to leave unless they took leftovers. That should be a rule at all cook outs. Everyone has to hand in their keys when they show up and won’t get them back unless they walk out with at least one leftover! Sort of a “friends don’t let friends leave without food” kind of program.

After lots of chatting and making the rounds with the guests it thinned out some and we had a fire in the yard. No we didn’t burn down any trees because we’re responsible and only we can stop forest fires. Actually, the yard has a fireplace so it was all safe, mostly. The huge pile of wood, flying burning debris and paint thinner as a fire starter wasn’t safety inspired but we did it responsibly. Then we went to watch fireworks on the water which was pretty awesome since we could literally see about 7 or 8 different shows (it’s hard to keep track). I think I got whiplash and vertigo from turning my head in so many different directions to see them all. It’s like 4 shows in one direction isn’t enough; no I want to see them all! It’s the pyro in me (spell check says ‘pyro’ isn’t a word and it makes me want to torch it). I can’t resist the shooting fire in the sky!

It’s amazing how many parents hand their young children fireballs on a stick to play with. I guess all parenting rules go out the window when it’s our nation’s birthday. It’s crazy that all week we hear how shitty the economy is, then 4th of July shows up and everyone buys boxes and boxes of fireworks. Recession, what recession? I guess people have to have fun somehow. We even got to play with some although we didn’t buy them. Someone else did and we kind of all just shot them off. Thankfully we didn’t kill each other or anyone else so it was a success! The holiday wasn’t even over yet and everyone was talking about what kind they wanted to buy for next year – in a state where they’re illegal to sell and use. Go figure. The police kind of ignore them for this weekend though because it would be insane to try to enforce the law when everyone and their grandmother are shooting them off. It would be a losing battle really.

The only part that sucked was I went to war with mosquitoes and I freaking lost! I put on bug spray just like everyone else. I put it everywhere and applied it at the same exact time as the rest of the group. Well, guess what?! I’m the only one who was bit! Not a single other person walked away with any bug bites. Me? I HAVE SEVEN! Five of them are all around one ankle/shin and I know I made sure to spray that area. They itch like hell and I even put itch cream on them to no avail. I don’t know how I managed it. I swear, only I could be outside with a bunch of other people with bug spray on and end up the only one with mosquito bites. My husband just shrugged and said, “I guess you smell good - to mosquitoes.” I was like, “uh, thanks. I guess.” At least I didn’t get sunburned though so I won one of the battles.

I guess you can’t have it all, but with this weekend I was pretty damn close! Family, food, fireworks and fun all make for a pretty great day.

Road trips are just like insane asylums – they’re better when you’re drugged.

2009-07-02T02:30:00.004-04:00

Why is it that whenever someone suggests a road trip it sounds like the best idea in the world and you can’t help be excited? Then once you get on the road you’re like, “why the HELL did I agree to this?” Does this happen to anyone else or is it really just me? I go through this every time a road trip comes up. It’s like I completely forget how bad they are even though I almost died during a road trip. I’ll get to that later though.

I haven’t gone on any since last September which was my least eventful one ever. The most that happened was the trip eventually led me to Washington D.C which meant having to ride the metro all over the place and I’m afraid of trains. Seriously. Smart idea for an anniversary trip huh? Anyway, my more eventful ones took place on the long distance trips but yet all the shit happened in the same two states. Have you ever driven on the New Jersey Turnpike? If you have, you’re probably nodding and thinking ‘oh, I know where this is going!’ Well, jump in for the story anyway because it’s why we’re all here.

Road Trip One:
This particular trip was my first real ‘road trip’ that traveled more then two states away, which in New England isn’t really all that far. No matter where you’re going, if you need to leave the New England area you must drive through New York and get on the New Jersey Turnpike for at least a little bit. You can’t avoid it. You just have to grip the armrest and hope to the high heavens that you make it out to the other end. Anything you see, hear and witness in between is just part of the trip and makes for an interesting story.

We tried to time going through New York to be during the low traffic hours and pretty much failed but at least we were moving most of the time. It wasn’t enough to blow past the crazies though. The first thing we ran into was a man I named “Crazy Phone Man”. We were on the highway and at that particular time in a stop and go situation. To our surprise, walking (yes, walking – on a highway) among the cars were three men. They were going up to car windows trying to sell cordless phones. We must have been lucky though because the particular crazy man that came up to our car thought to wrap the phone in cling wrap. Such a thoughtful guy, huh? He couldn’t brush his hair but he made sure the phone was safely swaddled in cling wrap. The best part, the phone wasn’t with its base. Yes, it was just the phone itself. If hitting the automatic door lock button repeatedly made the car any safer then we would have been a rolling Fort Knox.

To my Mom’s horror and my brother’s delight, we were later flashed by a big breasted woman on the New Jersey Turnpike. I don’t mean a quick peak and we were on our way. No. I mean she lifted her shirt and smashed her breasts up against her window for everyone in our car and lane to see. My brother literally asked if we could slow down so she could give a second show. If he had singles on him they probably would have been blowing out the window along with an excited “bravo!” She also decided to flash an 18 wheeler right after that and the guy slammed on his breaks. Luckily no one crashed but imagined that headline! “Blonde woman causes turnpike shutdown with nipples.” Her mother would be so proud.

Road Trip Two:
This trip took place a couple years after the one above. We made it through New York without much happening except seeing a man peeing on the side of the highway for all to see. Compared to everything else, that seemed mild. The smooth sailing ended once we were on the Turnpike (again). Traffic was steady but not bad. We were consistently going at highway speed which is honestly a miracle for the time a day we were traveling. Everything was going great and no one saw any boobs when suddenly a car cut right in front of us and nearly collided with another vehicle in the next lane. We had to slam on our breaks and turn to avoid colliding with the idiot and literally ended up at a complete stop – facing sideways.

This meant the 18 wheeler a few car lengths behind us had to slam on his breaks. Have you ever seen this happen? These beasts of a truck don’t exactly stop on command. It’s more like a few second delay especially at that speed. All in the matter of seconds (that felt like forever) we watched as this massive truck came bouncing down the lane towards us. The poor driver was trying so damn hard to stop his truck that it was literally shaking. Amazingly he stopped just inches from the passenger side of our car. I could have reached out and stroked the damn grill! No one ended up hitting anyone else and I really have no freaking idea how we didn’t all become a massive car pile up. As far as I know no boobs were involved in this mess but who really knows what that guy was in such a rush for?

You really need a damn vacation when you literally end up inches from your death.

WORST/BEST ROAD TRIP:
Ironically my best and worst road trip was one we took to New Jersey. We were going to the Six Flags Great Adventure and it was exactly that, an adventure. The trip was doomed from the start as the morning we got up to go, I threw up. I had no idea why and didn’t feel sick but blew chunks about an hour before we planned to leave. Since I still wanted to go and insisted I would be fine I ate some apple sauce (I don’t really know why though) and off we went. Everything was good until we hit Connecticut and I threw up again. This continued for a little while until I was pretty much vomited out and completely sworn off apple sauce for the near future. When we stopped for food I stayed in the car because food was the enemy at the time. By the time we reached the hotel though, I was completely fine and starving. It really made no sense.

The next day I was back to normal and we were off to the park. We rented those speedy pass things that let you blow by the people waiting for hours and hop right on your favorite ride. They’re awesome. We were having a blast until it was time to ride their Superman ride. I’m a roller coaster addict so I had no intention of skipping any of the rides and happily rode in the front row. It was my last ride of the day. For some reason the ride left my back screaming in pain and I was in tears. Even though I’m usually fine on rides that one really kicked my ass. I was in so much pain that I could barely stand walking and couldn’t even think about getting on another ride. Since our group split up I was stuck at the park for the day as no one brought cell phones. I spent the rest of the day slowly following my friends and brother around the park and sitting on benches in tears. When we finally caught up with my Mom I was near breaking point. We skipped the fireworks and headed right back to the hotel where everyone else was dropped off and my Mom and I took a trip to the local ER. I was in so much pain that my Mom was afraid I seriously injured my back.

After a few x-rays and exam in the ER it was determined that I didn’t do any serious damage but had basically pissed my muscles and spine the hell off. The doctor prescribed some drugs and told me that I was too thin to handle roller coasters. If I wasn’t in so much pain I probably would have thanked him for calling me thin and then told him he was crazy if he thought I was to never ride a roller coaster again. Once we got back to the hotel I was in love with that doctor. He prescribed Vicodin and muscle relaxers. Pain, what pain? I was passed out cold within 15 minutes of being in the room.

The next morning it was time to head back home and we all piled into the car. My Mom gave me my morning dose of magical drugs as we pulled away from the hotel. Ten minutes later I was out cold. I slept the entire 4 hours home! That, ladies and gentlemen was the best road trip I’ve ever been on. I fell asleep at the highway entrance in New Jersey and woke up in our driveway 4 hours later. It was beautiful. I missed the traffic, the road rage, the crazy ass people all over the place, the complaints, the bad music and the roadside bathrooms.

Moral of the story:

Don’t go on road trips and if you do, take some vicodin and muscle relaxers and it will be the best damn vacation you’ve ever had. You’re welcome. Send me a postcard from vicodin land when you get back!

My husband had an epiphany basically about crap and liverwurst. Seriously.

2009-06-25T01:00:00.007-04:00

You'll see how this fits in below.
Based on the last post many of you have probably figured out that my husband is kind of nuts. It’s the funny kind of nuts though, not get a straight jacket in here kind. Although he did mention the other day if he was ever in a padded room wearing a straight jacket he would just bounce around singing about doing just that. Makes me so proud.

Anyway, for some reason today we were talking about weird and nasty food and somehow ended up on yucky food his parents love (yes, the in-laws that hate me). I honestly couldn’t even guess how we ended up having this conversation. It was probably one of those things that evolved from a completely unrelated topic, as usual. I highly recommend people to have random conversations that are stupid, insane and even gross with the person you love. It keeps things fresh. It’s my marriage advice people. You’re welcome!

One of the foods that came up was liverwurst. Apparently, his Mom absolutely loves to eat this stuff spread on bread. Honestly, I’ve never even seen liverwurst in my life. Thankfully, no one has ever decided to have it in my presence and I’m very appreciative for it. Based on his description, it’s a solid but spreadable (not a real word I guess) and comes in a tube that makes it seem like it should be sausage. Basically, I’m picturing wet dog food in a tube but that’s probably not right. Or maybe it is but who knows? To keep going with the theme of random topics, when he was talking about liverwurst a song popped in my head. Is that sad? That something like liverwurst actually reminded me of a song. It probably is, especially for the band that sang it. I started telling him about it and he had no idea what I was talking about. I couldn’t resist. I had to share it with him, just like I just have to share it with you! I apologize in advance.

The song is called, “The Big One” by Confederate Railroad (it's also called "Daddy Cut The Big One"). Now, I don’t like this band and couldn’t even name another song by them but my Dad used to listen to it all the time. It’s one of those songs that you just don’t forget which you will now be inflicted with. The story (if you can even call it that) of the song is a man farted in church. That’s really all there is. The entire song is about the fart that everyone hears and that it stunk up the church. That’s some great writing people. Here it is if you really want to hear it, it’s not required though. By the way, the quality of the song on the site isn’t that great but it was the only one they had so I had to use it. It’s good enough though and you can clearly understand and hear the song so it works. The line is at the end, so you do have to listen to the whole thing to hear it.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

For those who do not wish to hear the song and I don’t blame you, the line that popped in my head was, “He said the devil made him do it, Mama said it was the liverwurst.” I guess eating the dog food in a tube makes you fart, but the song is really all I have to go on. My husband listened to the song and pretty much cracked up the whole way through. Then a few minutes later he had an epiphany. With this kind of topic, you can just tell how crazy this is going to be, huh? Here it is:

Husband: “Ohmygod! I just figured out where the phrase “crap on a cracker” came from! Liverwurst!”

I guess he’s infected me with his crazy because I can kind of get it. I mean, if this stuff looks, tastes and smells anything close to what I’m picturing it could totally be true. If it really looks like wet dog food, I would definitely call it ‘crap on a cracker’! I really don’t get why we even name food with “wurst” in it. Is there any more unappetizing sounding food then that? Well, there probably is but this has to rank up there as pretty damn bad.

Hopefully none of you actually like liverwurst because you probably won’t appreciate this comparison, but I do recommend you don’t eat any before going to church. They even wrote a song about it! As for my husband, he’s very proud of his idea and insisted I write a blog about it. I couldn’t think of anything else for tonight so I went with it.

If this insulted your liverwurst addiction then you can totally blame my husband, as he’s responsible for the this post and the last one. So yeah, it’s completely his fault and that’s my story. I also did not intend to have two song postings in a row, but oh well.

No one ever writes songs about nipples, it’s always about the penis.

2009-06-17T00:49:00.011-04:00

Another one of my favorite blogs, Yellow Trash Diaries has inspired a post basically because she told people too and I obeyed like a good little minion. If you don’t read her blog you totally should because she’s awesome and hysterical! Anyway, she wrote a post about a line to a song her husband made up about a penis. It was hilarious and crazy at the same time mostly because it reminded me of my husband and his song about a penis. She literally ended her post telling everyone to write a post with the word ‘penis’ in the title to prove that it draws in male followers. Basically, she’s conducting a scientific experiment about men’s lack of ability to resist any talk of sex or a penis. It’s totally going to be published in a medical journal or hustler magazine. Either one. So here I am sharing my insane husband’s song about a penis. What has my life become?

The back story goes all the way back to his high school years. He had a good friend named John (it’s amazing what guys will do to their best friends) that had a very sexually frustrated life at the time. Basically, it was a timeless problem. He wanted sex and the girlfriend didn’t, at all. So he frequently ~~whined~~ talked about how bad he needed sex and that he thought he was developing ‘blue balls’. Men always think they need sex as if it was just as important as breathing. His friend’s thought it was pretty funny that he was so desperate which led to this story. One night, my husband, his friend John and two other guy friends were driving somewhere in a car. One of their favorite and popular songs at the time came on the radio and instead of singing the original lyrics, my now husband started singing lyrics he made up on the spot. I should probably point out that even though my husband was great friends with John, he hated the girlfriend.

The song that started to play on the radio was “All The Small Things” by Blink 182. I think we can all see where this is going. If you don’t then you should leave now. For those who aren’t familiar with the song or don’t remember here are the chunk of original lyrics that my husband made up his penis song too.

Original lyrics:

All the, small things
True care, truth brings
I'll take, one lift
Your ride, best trip

Always, I know
You'll be at my show
Watching, waiting
Commiserating

Say it ain't so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Carry me home

Na, na, na

Clearly not a penis song. That is until my husband came along. I literally can not hear this song without thinking of his made up song. He has completely ruined the song for me and he’s pretty proud of that. He loves that I’m writing this blog by the way.

Here’s the song so you can hear the beginning part matched up with his lyrics, if you want. It’s only the first 12 lines.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Here’s my husband’s penis/sex version of the song:

All the, small things
John's dick, it shrinks
She took, one look
He's stuck, no luck

Always, he knows
Try to make it grow
Watching, Waiting
Masturbating

Say it ain't so
It will not grow
Turn the lights off
Whack it until Dawn

So Kim, this is for you and your husband. I wonder what it says about us that our husband’s turn perfectly good songs into anthems to the penis. We need to come up with a song about nipples and vaginas now.

My husband loves this post. He thinks it’s the best one yet. I’m afraid to see what crazy searches will lead people to this blog.

Husband: “This is going to bring in all kinds of searches!”

Me: “I’m afraid to see what exactly those searches will be. All because of your penis song I’m going to be flooded with perverts looking for porn.”

Husband: “I know, you’re welcome!”

That’s right ladies. He’s all mine.

Chronic insomnia is exactly like being drunk except no one is having fun and lack coordination is worse.

2009-06-10T20:19:00.002-04:00

Basically I’m drunk on lack of sleep. After two weeks of not being able to fall asleep until around 4 am I had one of those ‘it can’t get any worse moments’ and then it totally did. Except I never said that because after 5 years of dealing with this I know better. I slept in until around 2pm yesterday after falling asleep sometime past 5am and that was the last time I was asleep. Yes, I’ve been awake for 30 and a half hours straight and it’s so NOT on purpose. It completely sucks and I’ve been here before. A LOT! Actually I kind of go in these weird cycles of sleep where I do okay for a little while and then this happens. Last time I had a bad cycle, it lasted for over 2 and a half months. I would be awake well over 24 hours then crash/pass out then the next day I was up over 24 hours again and this just went on and on and on. Oh, and before you ask, no there’s nothing I can do to help, yes I’ve tried exercise, different diets, restricting foods/drinks after certain time, I never have caffeine anymore and I’m not stressing about things or thinking too much. Doctors can’t help me, specialists on sleep disorders can’t help me and neither can any of the things mentioned above. So, no more advice people! I’ve heard it all, thought it all and tried it all. It’s a, ‘been there, done that and bought the t-shirt and then burned it’ situation, so please give up. Thank you!

The only silver lining to this hell called lack of sleep is that I tend to look at the world in a totally bitchish way (yes, bitchish – new word!) I become much more cynical (as if I’m not enough already) and develop an ‘I don’t give a shit about anything’ attitude. It’s kind of fun to see what flies out of my mouth before I even have a chance to attempt to shut myself up. No sympathy and no filter exist when I’m like this but I’m still nice until someone does something to annoy me but it doesn’t take a whole lot sometimes. Like earlier, a commercial came on for a car that I don’t remember what it was now. She was talking about how great it was and I started talking to my TV and was all like, “no, that car is a piece of shit you dumb bitch”. Yes, I literally said this out loud in an empty apartment straight to the actress lady on the screen. I may be totally losing my mind at this point but it usually comes back after a minimum of 10 hours sleep. Hopefully. I’ve also developed an urge to smack my downstairs neighbor upside the head because he keeps sitting outside having yelling conversations with people on the other side of the courtyard because he’s too lazy to leave his little patio and walk over there!

I’m not responsible for this post, by the way. If it sucks or has a million and a half mistakes just blame the boogie man because my brain can’t be held responsible for something it’s not participating in. I think my brain either left the building or is in upside down. So if it’s bad just pretend like you never read it and we can all move on.

One of my most recent search inquiries that lead to my blog was, “my in-laws want to kill me” but I seriously doubt they found what they needed here. I mean, I never actually wrote anything about how to survive homicidal in-laws; I just shared how crazy mine on minus homicidal tendencies. Lets hope something better came up in their search besides me, like a handy how-to article or something.

Imagine what kind of searches this blog will come up in. Be scared. I am.

I cooked a tea kettle for dinner. What did you make?

2009-06-05T01:23:00.007-04:00

I should probably read this.
Are you one of those people that believe anyone can cook? If so, I’m here to prove you wrong. Oh so very wrong. Some people are naturally great at cooking a meal and others, not so much. I happen to know that there are people who cannot cook well to save their lives. I know because I am one. Now, I can do really basic stuff like hit the buttons on the microwave, measure out ingredients and boil water. My specialties include anything that can be microwaved (which isn’t even a word), prepackaged things that can be tossed in the pan with like water or milk or something and boil water. Anything beyond that and you don’t want me at the stove, unless you want to die from food poisoning or an explosion. It’s an accepted fact in my family and they no longer try to take me under their wing as they know it’s a losing battle.

Of course, I still have moments where even the basics escape me. One of those moments happened tonight. I was craving soup and decided to warm some up on the stove like a big girl. I put the soup in the pan, turned on the stove and walked away to wait for it to warm up. Several moments later I heard a very strange clicking sound that I was pretty sure I’ve never heard before. I went into the kitchen and didn’t notice anything odd but could still hear the noise. I checked the soup and it was still cold. I was all like, “What the hell? This stove is stupd!” My husband was in the shower so really, I was talking to myself but that was the least of my problems. I looked up at the panel and the light that indicates a surface unit is on was lit up but the burner was completely cold. Then I looked at the knobs and had an ‘oh shit’ moment. I turned the wrong burner on. Instead of the one in the front with the soup on it, I turned on the back burner which held our tea kettle. My tea kettle also happened to be empty which I know is a no-no, but shit happens. Sorry Mom.

I obviously quickly turned it off but the damage had been done. The tea kettle was clicking away which I took to be a very bad thing. I made my soup and tried too look all innocent when my husband was finished with his shower. He walked into the living room and was like, “Something’s burning! What the hell is burning?!” I explained my little mishap which he thought was a lot more then that, but really I think he was being dramatic. Once he was sure our apartment wasn’t about to burn down he was like, “You should be banned from the stove. Seriously.” It wouldn’t be all that shocking because he tried to ban be from using large knives after I cut my hand slicing open a pre-sliced bagel. Yeah, I really did that. Before you think I’m totally oblivious for not smelling something burning, I actually can’t smell, at all. I was born without a sense of smell so I cannot smell anything at all. Never could and never will. It’s called Congenital Anosmia which literally means being born without the ability to perceive smells. So yeah, that’s why I didn’t notice something was burning.

All is safe and fine now. Well, except for our tea kettle. Before my little accident it was shiny silver with a copper colored bottom. Below is what it looks like now.

No longer shiny silver.

Pretty burnt tea kettle.

Bye bye copper bottom - hello well done!

Oops.

So here's a tip because I'm now totally qualified. Always turn the correct burner on when using your stove or you end up making cajun style tea kettle for dinner. Now you know. You're welcome.

A trip to the doctor’s office is like getting into a biohazard bucket!

2009-06-03T02:32:00.007-04:00

I love this sign!
My husband had to see his doctor yesterday for a check-up ~~because he’s conscious about his health~~ because I made him and I went along for the visit. Not because it’s fun or anything but because we had things to do afterwards and it was just easier. I really should have thought it through more though. I seem to have a form of amnesia that made me forget how scary a doctor’s waiting room can be for a (minor) germaphobe! You would think I would remember this better but for some reason it didn’t pop into my mind until we walked through the door. I swear, in the few seconds it took him to check in at the desk I heard two high powered sneezes, three shallow coughs and one that sounded like it was coughing up both lungs. Every inch of my body cringed and my brain screamed, “RUN!” My husband, knowing me so well looked at me with pity and patted my knee. It was sweet and all but it would have been so much better if he whipped out a hazmat suit and an industrial size bottle of air sanitizer.

There were three people ahead of us so I knew I was going to be sitting there for a while. My brain started replaying the horrible information that a sneeze causes snot and saliva infested germs to fly through the air at 95 miles per hour and can travel up to 150 feet. I’m not good at measurements at all, but it was even within my grasp to realize there was no way to be in this room and 150 feet away from each person at the same time. I also happened to remember a terrifying little fact I recently learned that I wish I could unlearn. Apparently, in the average human sneeze there are about 40,000 droplets of mucus flying out of your nose/mouth. Even people who aren’t germaphobic have to find that utterly disgusting, right? I have the urge to wash just thinking about that. Yuck.

As we sat there I was trying to think about anything except disease, germs and soap but it wasn’t easy. I would find a way to get relaxed and hacker john would start up again. Before I knew it a new infected human walked in the office and instead of sitting in one of the many (and I mean many) open chairs she picked the one next to me. She had about 10 other choices but she must have like my shirt or something, I don’t know. She then decided to chat with me in between her sniffles and coughing. I don’t really consider that a good time to talk, maybe it’s good for moving into isolation but not to strike up a conversation. Nothing interesting was said as all my chit chat skills fled in fear the second we walked in the room.

Eventually the nurse called my husbands name and he stupidly asked me if I wanted to come or stay in the waiting area. There was no way I was staying out there in the infectious disease incubating party. I found out later he was trying to be funny but he seriously failed. Sometimes, he’s the only one who finds him funny. Jerk. When we were in the little room waiting for the doctor he joked about the woman that sat next to me. It wasn’t funny. This is how the conversation went.

Me: “I could have just caught the Ebola virus and you’re trying to be funny! I could die in 7 days all because of her cough!”

Husband: “Seven days? What is this, a scene from ‘The Ring’? And where the hell did you pull Ebola from? Of all the diseases you could pick.”

Me: “Whatever, smart ass. It’s a real disease and it kills people within days. I read a book about it in middle school and it was horrible!”

Husband: “I can’t believe you read about a deadly disease in middle school. How does it kill people so fast?”

Me: “It’s like the badass of the disease world. First, you get this headache that won’t go away then you start vomiting blood and hemorrhaging inside and out. Your insides become a freaking organ slushy and no one can cure you. Then you die!”

He stared at me with this shocked face. I think it was more because I knew about this disease then the actual things I told him.

Husband: “Damn. How the hell do you remember this from that long ago?”

Me: “Because it scared the shit out of me! I was all nervous for weeks every time I had a headache and it drove my Mom nuts. Every time I see or hear about a monkey the first thing I think about is Ebola.”

Husband: “What do monkeys have to do with it?”

Me: “The book was a scientist studying diseases and testing monkeys, and all the monkeys ended up with Ebola and it like killed a bunch of people. I don’t know. I don’t remember everything from it, just some stuff.”

The conversation pretty much ended there. He started looking through all the stuff in the room like a little kid and I disinfected my hands once or ten times. I need to buy more now. The doctor came in and gave him a clean bill of health and we were on our way. Hopefully I don’t come down with something in a week or so.

I really wish I could disinfect my entire body whenever I want. Like a bottle or can I can carry in my purse and just spray down whenever I end up in an incubation zone.

Is germaphobe not a real word? Spell check is telling me it’s wrong. It wants it to be “gramophone” instead and I have no clue what that is. How are you supposed to spell it anyway? Is it ‘germAphobe’ or ‘germOphobe’?

Spell check wants the second version to be “ergophobia”. I looked it up and it apparently means “an abnormal and persistent fear (or phobia) of work or functioning.” I know a few people who must have that phobia!

The TV wants us all to die.

2009-05-31T23:59:00.006-04:00

Have you watched the History channel lately? Personally, I love watching ‘Ice Road Truckers’. It’s kind of like watching a car wreck though. I spend the entire episode thinking “these guys are seriously insane,” yet I can’t resist watching. Things like that make me question my own sanity but that’s probably an issue for another post. Anyway, the channel has been previewing this new show and just the concept is a little beyond creepy. The new show is called “Life After People” and it’s supposed to show us what the world as we know it today will be like when we all die off. Yes, we’re dead and plants and animals have taken over. We’re apparently supposed to watch and be amazed according to the show tagline, but I think it’s a little lost on me.

Before you say it, I get that it’s supposed to be educational and interesting but I also think it’s freaky. The entire show is to constantly remind us that we will all just die one day and the world will be left completely human-less. Then animals and plants take over our buildings and eat our cats and dogs (yes, the show actually says this!) Can we get anymore depressing then this for a TV show? Honestly, why would I want to watch a show that is telling me, “Uh, when you and every human go extinct the tiger at the zoo will escape and eat your dog.” Great. Now the species that’s on the brink of extinction is going to kill our little furry friends that we love and cherish. Screw you history channel. I really don’t need to think about this.

This is a perfect example where ignorance is bliss and I’m totally all for it. I know I won’t be around forever and I’ve more or less accepted that. I still expect someone to take care of my little fur-babies when I kick the bucket though. How do you prepare your 10 pound dog to survive a world where a tiger is kicking it in its backyard? Someone needs to come up with some serious doggy/tiger defense classes or something.

This is how the show sees our world literally falling apart.

Two weeks after people: Animals will break out of the zoo desperate for food. This is where our poor little fur-babies become lunch.

One month after people: Los Angeles will dry up from lack of water supply that we won’t be there to control. Because we’re dead.

One month after people: Washington D.C. floods because we’re too dead to keep the water at bay.

Six months after people: Mosquitoes have taken over the world. Kind of glad I’m not around for that.

Ten years after people: Los Angeles burns to the ground. Fan-freaking-tastic.

One thousand years after people: The eastern coast is now one with the ocean. Anyone care for a swim? Oh never mind, YOU’RE DEAD!

Basically, if you’ve seen the movie ‘I Am Legend’, it’s kind of like that. Except there’s no flesh eating zombies and no Will Smith to admire. Other then that, it’s a perfect example of what our Earth will become when we all mysteriously die at the same exact moment, according to this seriously depressing show. I only watched the movie for Will Smith, so since he’s not in the show to do shirtless pull-ups then I’m going to have to pass.

If you have some weird obsession with humans going extinct and monkeys, elephants and ivy plants ruling the world then be my guest. I, on the other hand am content with the thought that when I die there will be people around to care for all the Fidos and Fluffys of the world.

Now excuse me while I go watch The Golden Girls.

My in-laws were convinced my husband would die because of me.

2009-05-29T16:22:00.004-04:00

So I just found a new blog that I instantly loved. It’s called The Devil’s Daughter-in-law and it’s awesome. She shares horribly wonderful stories of her evil mother-in-law and then shares the stories people email her. It’s fantastic because it makes you feel so much better about your own retched in-laws, ya know if you have any. It’s probably still enjoyable even if you adore your in-laws which in that case you should feel special because you’re a minority. Congratulations. For the rest of us, it’s like coming home to our people. I literally read every post on her blog today because I have too much time on my hands and it has inspired me to share stories of my in-laws. Friends seem to get a kick out of them so why not share with the blogging world, or the 3 people that read this blog.

My in-laws hate me. I know this for a fact, it’s not an assumption. They have hated me from day one even before the met me. They basically hate the concept of me existing which is fun because just the fact that I can breathe pisses them off. They have also decided to hate my family just because they can even though no one has ever done anything to insult them; actually it’s more the reverse since they have insulted my family and me several times. There are way too many stories to fit in one post so here are a few gems. They once decided I must have mental issues because my father is an alcoholic (I don’t speak to him) even though my husband’s Mother grew up with an alcoholic father, but “that’s different".

When my husband and I began dating we were long distance. Actually we even met online accidentally on a random site when neither one of us were looking for a relationship. I was even dating someone at the time and our conversations were just when we were bored and online. Anyway, at some point it turned into more then casual chats and we eventually fell in love (after my other lame relationship ended of course). It was hard but we made it work. My family was fine with it but his were not. My now father-in-law actually said “Your online relationship is against God.” I’m not an expert on the bible or anything but I’m pretty sure there isn’t anything in there about not meeting someone online. Maybe I missed that page.

Being long distance, the phone was our major form of communication. Hearing each others voice is important when you can’t be face to face each day, so we would have long conversations everyday. It was important to both of us but his family had a serious problem with that and blamed me for it. They once said to him after we finished a phone call, “Do you really like that she’s so needy and forcing you to talk to her everyday?” It’s safe to say the rest of that conversation didn’t go too well as my now husband was pissed! Another day they told him that my family was just trying to pawn me off on him and that’s why they were being supportive of our relationship. WHO SAYS THAT?! They had never even met my family and decided my Mom was trying to “get rid” of me. They also decided that I must be using him although I have no idea where they got that from. Their ass is my best guess.

As he was graduating college he had a fantastic internship in New York City for a few mouths. That horrified them and they tried to stop him. When his internship was over he moved to my state in New England. I didn’t want him moving just because of me but he had always wanted out of his home state in the Midwest and loved the northeast, especially the Red Sox. As he was preparing to move his parents really pulled out the stops to try to convince him to stay. They hated the idea that he was moving away because they wouldn’t be able to control him anymore. They spouted some really crazy shit to try to scare him into staying as if he was a young child. Some of my favorites are as follows.

“But you can’t swim! They have hurricanes there all the time and if the city floods you’ll die!” – Mother-in-law

Honestly, we haven’t had a real hurricane here in YEARS! We usually get just a tropical storm or two that’s too weak to do any damage. No one has drowned, I assure you. It’s not like we live on the Gulf Coast or something. Besides, if/when a real hurricane hits, he’s not going to go for a leisurely swim.

“All the buildings in the northeast are so old and decrepit!” – Father-in-law

Um, ok? The northeast is old but it’s not like the Midwest is a spring chicken! I really don’t even know what their point was with this comment.

“You can’t work in New York City; you’ll be shot and murdered as soon as you get there!" –Mother-in-law

Okay, I get that New York is kind of scary to people who have never been there, or even for some who have, but it’s not like everyone who goes there dies every second. I mean it’s a city just like anywhere else and it just has a really bad reputation. Besides, he wasn’t even living in New York City, just commuted there to work. Whatever.

“You must leave your car here. You can’t take it to New York! It will be hijacked and stripped when you’re sleeping!” – Both of them.

They firmly believed this even after he explained that he was going to be commuting to NYC by train (like everyone else) and the car would be staying at the train station where he was living, outside of the city. There was no way in hell he was leaving his car, because only the Lord knows what they would do to it while he was gone. I think the real reason they wanted him to leave it because they knew he would be driving to see me on weekends.

“Her family isn’t Godly! They’re not Christian Reformed like we are. They’re Catholic!” – Father-in-law

First you have to picture him saying “Catholic” as if it was some horrid disease or curse. Second, last time I checked Catholic people worshiped God. I’m also pretty sure it’s a religion. My family isn’t devout though so I guess that was part of their problem. Want the kicker though? They hate Catholics because “they’re so judgmental”. Yeah, ponder that shit for a while!

When all of that failed, his mother cried. I don’t mean she shed a few tears and waved goodbye. I mean she bawled her eyes out! In full hysterics that she was never going to see him again and that I was “stealing her son!” Then his father pulled the whole, “see what you’re doing to your Mother just so you can go be with your little girlfriend!” At least they called me little. None of it worked of course. He completed his internship and moved here.

This is probably WAY too long already so I’ll stop my story telling now. I’ll have to share the more of their antics another time.

If you’re actually still reading at this point, bless you!

It’s only impressive in my mind; to my husband it’s shockingly pathetic.

2009-05-25T02:06:00.003-04:00

For whatever reason I consistently suck at pretty much any game I play. Sometimes I’ll eventually get to the “okay” level and that’s usually an accomplishment for me. I still enjoy playing them I’m just not any good. So basically, I’m not the person you want to take to Vegas or have on your team for strip poker, because you’ll lose. I suck at video games the most so I just don’t play them very often. I’m still obsessed with my Nintendo DS though mostly because it’s pink, but it’s addicting even though I suck. I’m often handing it over to my husband to finish a level for me that I played 50 times and can’t get through. About 5 seconds later he hands it back finished and with a high score. I think it’s in men’s DNA to be good at video games.

Like some kind of cruel punishment I inflict on myself, I keep going back to one game on www.addictinggames.com. It’s called Bubble Spinner and it’s the simplest game ever made but weirdly addicting. I play it whenever I’m bored even though I get frustrated playing because I just flat out suck. I constantly end up with the little balls ramming into the side and have to start over. I had a break through today though. I somehow magically made it to level two! I didn’t even KNOW there was a level two until I got there. I thought if you ever managed to get rid of all the balls it was over. When it came up that I moved on I was like “HEY! Guess what?! I just made it to level 2 on the bubble game thing!” My husband looked at me from across the room where he was kicking ass on some Playstation game and said, “You’ve never done that before?” His face was all like ‘wow, that’s pathetic’. He didn’t say that but I know that’s what he was thinking. I was like, “No. I didn’t even know there was another level until just now. I thought it just went on forever or just ended.” He just looked at me in shock and I was like, “Why? Have you?”Honestly, I should have never asked because he was like, “Uh, yeah. I’ve gone as high as level 3.” Well, fine then!

I was proud of my level two accomplishment because honestly, that’s a big thing when you weren’t even aware you could get that far. So, yay for me! He did say ‘good job’ to be all supportive but now I’m like trying to make it past level three if there’s such a thing just so I can be like “HA!” It probably won’t happen because I don’t have the patience for the silly little rainbow balls. Plus, the game isn’t very enthusiastic when you beat a level. It just says “2x” in the corner and gives you a new set of balls to beat. That’s it! It should sing a song or have fireworks go off when you beat a level. Something that’s like, ‘Good job for not sucking!’ I told my husband this and just laughed at me but I’m serious. Like a virtual pat on the bank. Kind of like the way solitaire does the bouncing card piles at the end. Maybe the balls should explode or bounce all over the screen in between each level. I’m probably thinking about this way too much.

But at least when a game is kicking my ass I don’t get all mad and blame the games like men do! I know I suck. I just stop playing and then I’ve won in the long run because a game can’t beat you if it’s unplugged or turned off!

This is probably why I should have been an only child.

2009-05-22T16:19:00.000-04:00

Anyone that grew up with siblings knows that it’s sort of the job of the older sibling to torture the younger ones. Well, I took that job very seriously. Don’t get me wrong, I love my younger brother and couldn’t imagine not having him around but when we were growing up, torturing him was like my favorite pastime. It drove our parents’ nuts!

There’s about a 3 and ½ year difference between us so by the time he was born I was very happy being the only child. I liked our routine and that I didn’t have to share my Mom with anyone. I was thrilled when I visited him in the hospital but I apparently thought he was supposed to stay there because I was pissed when they brought him home. I literally told my Mom, “Take him back!” I suddenly had to share my room with a screaming baby who had colic and there was baby stuff everywhere. Plus, I thought my Mom was much too busy taking care of him so I wanted him to leave. When he was a baby my Mom left the room to answer the phone and left him lying on a blanket on the floor. My little evil streak came through and I stole the poor innocent baby that was my brother and put him in the little garbage can in our bathroom. I’m horrible, I know. I even left him there and went back to my movie in the living room. Poor kid. He wasn’t in there long as when my Mom came back in she asked me where he was and I feigned innocence claiming to not know. His piercing scream quickly led her to his location, covered in dirty tissue. It’s safe to say I had a particularly long time-out that day.

What’s sad is that’s not the worst thing I ever did to him. It was just the first thing I did that showed my Mom what she was in for. I once even told her to, “take his batteries out” one of the days he seemed to cry for hours on end. She didn’t find that too funny at the time but now thinks it’s hilarious! I wasn’t always mean though. When he was old enough I helped him learn to walk using my toy shopping cart. Although the joke now is that I had an ulterior motive, since the torture really began once he was fully mobile. He was like my own personal entertainment even though I would get in trouble each time I did something to him. I either didn’t learn my lesson or it was just too much fun to get him into crazy situations. I think it was the latter but who really knows.

Being a crazy daredevil boy he was into climbing trees but never went too high. Well, at least not when I wasn’t around. One day in particular I kept coaxing him to climb higher and higher. For some reason he always listened to me (talk about not learning your lesson) and went much too high for his age. He freaked himself out and was too scared to climb down. He was clutching the tree for dear life and crying his little heart out. I at least went to get our parents though, so it’s not like I had a heart of stone and left him there or something. My Dad and his friend had to climb up the tree to get him down. It wasn’t THAT big of a tree anyway, but big enough that a ladder was used to retrieve him. At first my Mom thought he got himself into that situation but he quickly tattled and I was back in time-out for “trying to kill your brother!” I wasn’t really trying to kill him, maybe trying to toughen him up a bit. Insert evil laugh here.

I think the worst thing I ever did was burry him alive. Yes, I buried him. In our backyard. Up to his chest. That’s normal sibling behavior right? Ok, maybe not but it was funny for me at the time. I don’t remember why there was a huge hole in our backyard but I think it had something to do with sewers being installed. Anyway, I convinced my brother to get in the hole and I filled it in around him. He was completely buried up to the middle of his chest, arms and all. He couldn’t move and started to panic when he realized I probably wasn’t going to un-burry him anytime soon. I would have, eventually but he was driving me nuts that day throwing nasty worms at me so I was getting him back. It was completely even revenge really. He eventually started screaming and my Dad came outside and was seriously pissed that I buried him. He tried just pulling him out but it turns out I was a good dirt packer back then and he had to literally dig him out. My Mom was mad when she got home and found out what happened and I got the whole, “don’t you ever burry your brother again! Ever!” I’m convinced most kids probably hear that at some point in their lives.

The good thing is he’s a completely normal young man now so it’s really okay. I didn’t traumatize him and he wasn’t mister innocent either. He had his fair share of torturing me in his day. Oh, I also painted his toe nails once convincing him it was normal. He then went to the pool with plenty of people around with bright red toe nails. My Mom wasn’t too happy with that either. Neither was my Dad. Something about not turning his little boy into a little girl.

Basically when my husband and I have children, I’m completely screwed. My Mom always told me, “you’re going to have kids just like you,” when I did things that drove her nuts so my kids are going to be burying their siblings and getting them caught in trees as cross dressers.

My family must have a good sense of humor though, because we all find these stories to be hilarious now. I also protected him a lot when he was really little. It was kind of a whole ‘only I could torture him’ thing I had going.

Was any of this normal? Seeing it all written out makes me wonder if I was a seriously weird child.

Things that are frustrating the hell out of me!

2009-05-22T01:28:00.001-04:00

1. That it’s been over a week and a half since my last post and I really have no good reason why. I’ve had material to write about and the time but for some reason I just couldn’t get my brain to write anything. Is there such a thing as “blogger’s block?” I’m back though and I’m going to kick my own ass if I do this again.

2. Are you one the gazillions of people on Twitter? I’m not! It drives me crazy how much I hear about Twitter. It’s freaking everywhere and I’m convinced it’s trying to haunt me. Everyone has an account even if they have no followers they actually know and have nothing important/interesting to “twit” or “twat” about, or whatever the hell it’s called. I can’t even watch the news without them telling me to follow them on Twitter. Why the hell would I do that?! It’s depressing enough watching the news with all the dead bodies and swine flu trying to kill us all, so why would I want that following me all day on freaking Twitter? Some little blue bird telling me that swine flu is like down the street and read to pounce on me in my sleep. So basically, I refuse to use Twitter. That little bird can bite me.

3. The fact that it’s now been four weeks since the offer we have in on a short sale house was sent to the bank for approval. I know they take time but it’s just frustrating wanting your house and having to wait for someone you don’t know to decide for you. We beat out the other offers on the house but the bank can still rip it away for whatever reason they want. Actually, they don’t even have to give a reason! So they can be all dictator-ish like, “You can’t have the house because we feel like denying you! HA HA HA! Suffer peons, suffer!” That’s what banks say all the time.

4. My hip apparently no longer wants to be my hip. I feel like a 90 year old woman who needs a hip replacement, except I’m in my 20s which is pretty pathetic. It’s like some evil invisible person is stabbing me in the hip as I walk. It’s only my left one and it was completely fine most of the day but hit around 4pm. So my choices are to either become a statue or never get off the couch. Since I’m not a big fan of bed pans I have to suffer and hobble my way to the bathroom. Just consider me a penguin for now. Someone get the fish.

5. My refrigerator pees! Three times it has built up ice in the bottom of the freezer under the panel and water drips into the fridge part and creates a super fun puddle. Sometimes, the puddle even freezes. It doesn’t leak out onto the floor thankfully, but basically it has relieving issues that won’t go away. So I get to call maintenance AGAIN to fix the damn thing AGAIN! I hate having them come in here. They’re nice but I hate having strange people come into my space. Plus once I call they will come in whether we’re here or not, and I find it crazy creepy that strangers can be in your home when you’re not there. Maybe that’s just me but I think it’s insane. Ah, the joys of apartment living.

6. That I’m so frustrated by so many things lately. Ok, this probably shouldn’t be on the list but it is something I find very frustrating. It’s kind of like a crazy never-ending cycle; I’m frustrated that I’m frustrated about things, so it just goes around and around. Did I mention it’s frustrating?

The next post will be a better one. Maybe a funny story or something. I’m too frustrated right now to decide.

The internet doesn’t know me well at all.

2009-05-09T20:21:00.001-04:00

I have come to realize that my different internet accounts don’t know me very well, at all. You would think that since I have no life and spend most of my time online that they would have a decent understanding of my likes and dislikes. Maybe not, but they shouldn’t recommend shit for me that either freaks me out or just makes my head hurt in confusion. It’s just not nice.

I’m going to share the weird and stupid recommendations a few sites gave me today. Basically, I didn’t want to be the only one to suffer.

Yahoo Answers (my addiction):

Recommended the following question:

“Should I drink my husband’s urine??, he keeps asking me about it!?”

“My husband has been in a kinky mood the last couple of weeks and he has repeatedly asked me if I would like to "drink his urine", first I was like -hell no, but he's serious about this (he has asked for it more times than he did to get me to do anal) and I've heard that it's a pretty common sexual activity among couples, so I'm kinda confused.”

Um, what? I literally had to inflict more confusion and re-read the question a few times before I allowed my brain to believe what I just read. Who exactly is this common for? Where the hell is she getting her information? I know it’s not normal in my house! I’m far from a prude but there’s no way in hell I would drink my husband’s urine and if he ever asked me I would seriously be freaked out. I would probably take him to a neurologist and be all like, “You need to scan his head. He must think I’m a walking urinal because he asked me to drink his piss. So like, fix him!”

Then she added this little gem of a line:

“I love my husband but I hate the thought of being his garbage can!”

Ok, this should basically answer her own question but is she also trying to tell us that her husband pees in their garbage can instead of a toilet? I mean, if not then wouldn’t that make her his toilet and not a garbage receptacle?

And why the hell does Yahoo answers think I have the answer to this question? When did they get the impression that I’m the one to come to about weird pee fetishes and freaky bedroom/bathroom activities? It’s freighting really.

Youtube:

Recommended me this video (it wouldn’t let me embed it):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TR2h7igF4g&feature=rec-HM-r2

I guess Youtube thinks I speak whatever the hell language this song is in. My husband says he thinks it’s German which just makes me think Germans have weird taste in music. I have no freaking clue what they’re saying but I think it’s basically about drunk women getting all excited about giant green gorillas that can’t dance and somehow squished green bananas come into it. This is what’s popular in Germany. Apparently.

When I hit the little translate link, it told me the name of the song is "Give the monkey sugar."

So if you ever take a trip to Germany, make sure you dress up like a green gorilla so you’ll blend in and people will think you’re one of them.

Actually, if you did that you’ll probably be arrested but ya know, you would be all German like. I guess.

--------- ---------- ---------

On a completely un-related note, has anyone noticed that those little Ipod ear bud things are magnetic? Like they repel each other but will totally stick to my fridge. Maybe that has something to do with why I’m so weird. I think I’ll write Apple a letter saying they have caused my brain to malfunction and I want a gazillion dollars in damages. I should get an immediate response and a check in the mail by Monday.

PS. I somehow ended up being the 4th comment on The Bloggess post today about all the ways Twitter pisses her off! It was awesome! I was all excited since I’m usually closer to the bottom of the list, but it may show just how much time I really spend on the computer and it may be a chronic addiction.

Oh well. Sometimes you just have to celebrate the small things.

She thought my vagina would be afraid of the woman’s public bathroom.

2009-05-09T02:25:00.000-04:00

Today, people see me as a nice and normal (on the outside, I look just like you) woman, but when I was teenager I was a total bitch! Maybe it was the hormones or the fact that I had an attitude the size of North America, but I was a preppy girl with a serious grudge against the world. That almost makes sense if you don’t think about it too much and kind of smack yourself in the head. Go ahead and try it, I’ll wait. – Please note: I’m not responsible for any concussions so don’t even think about calling that injury attorney on TV at 3am because I’m just a figment of your imagination and it won’t hold up in court. Contemplate THAT.

Anyway, I was kind of crazily overprotective of my younger brother. Think rabid bear protecting her cubs, minus the fur, foaming of the mouth, and flesh tearing claws – that was more or less me. Even if he completely started it and I saw him do it, it didn’t matter and I wouldn’t let anyone get him back. Some girl once decided to hit and push him down after he made fun of her for something. It was stupid because she did it in front of 3 other people who knew me and they came flocking to find me to snitch on what happened. I was like the mafia, someone hurt him and the news came immediately to me.

Just call me Don Juan.

The rabid part came out and I literally chased her around the campground we were in. Her friends ditched her and she eventually tried to hide. Only problem was she picked a WOMAN’S BATHROOM! She didn’t even lock the door and hid inside one of the literally three stalls. My friend and I were outside the door for a minute laughing at how stupid it was and I was all like, “does she think I’m afraid of the toilets?” After almost dying of laughter I went in and lost it laughing again when I realized that instead of using the deadbolt on the heavy outside door she hid behind a thin wooden stall with an eyehook lock. I was even a nice hostage taker/mafia leader and told her I wouldn’t kill her. Eventually she came out when she realized we weren’t leaving and I could just reach over the door and unlock the hook if I wanted to get her that bad. See, I wasn’t all stone, just partially.

She told me that he made fun of her for something she said that I totally don’t remember what it was because I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to her story. It was something about him setting off her trigger or something like that. I was all like, “I really don’t care what he did to you, DON’T EVER TOUCH HIM!” Then I got totally mean and all Sopranos on her and was like, “If you ever do it again, I’m going to make your face a permanent part of the pavement.” I would have never hurt her, but it was just letting her think I would that was enough. She literally avoided me after that. I never actually hurt anyone that went after my brother but I guess I had an awesome ‘I’m going to kill you mob boss face,’ because no one ever pushed it further then that.

Honestly, even if she ran into the men’s room I still would have followed her in. My vagina was a badass and wasn’t afraid of the toilets or urinals, even though they’re very strange things to even think about peeing in.

We should all totally have our meetings in the men’s room next to the urinals. Keeps everyone on their toes.

Joking with your doctor can get you sent to the crazy house and swine flu makes you want to buy a farm!

2009-05-07T22:32:00.000-04:00

I don’t know about you but I’ve never really met a doctor that has much of a sense of humor. I actually think they have it removed during medical school like some kind of requirement.

A friend of mine, who wants to remain anonymous that we’ll call Annie, has a cold from hell that is still kicking her ass. She was hacking up phlegm all over the place and basically felt like death. So I went with her to her doctor and witnessed the following scary and fucking hilarious conversation.

Annie: “I’ve been sick for over a week and I can’t stop coughing. I have a constant headache and I cough up green stuff all the time. Sometimes I can’t breathe because I’m coughing so hard. My nose is like a running faucet and my throat feels like it’s trying to rip it’s self apart. *Cough cough hack hack- phlegm* I think I’m dying.”

*Her doctor moves his little wheely stool in front of her and looks her dead in the face with a very serious look.

Doctor: “Annie, listen to me. You are not going to die but if you really think you are then we have a serious problem here. If you truly believe you’re going to die then you need to see a psychiatrist.”

Annie: “What? No. I don’t think I’m going to die I just feel like I’m going to die, it’s just how it feels.”

*At this point she just looked at me like this doctor was crazy which was ironically what the doctor was thinking of her.

Doctor: “I see. You have me very concerned and I may have to go make a few phone calls.”

Annie: “Why? Do you think I have swine flu because I really think I do? I mean I have the symptoms and everything...”

*The doctor cut her off shaking his head.

Doctor: “No, no. You don’t have swine flu. I think you have a sinus infection along with some seasonal allergies. I’m concerned because you believe you’re dying and that’s something a mental health professional needs to evaluate.”

Annie: “Huh? *Cough hacking cough* No, I don’t think I’m dying. Seriously, I was just saying I feel like death. Like, I feel like shit. I don’t need to see anyone; I know I’m not dying. It was kind of a joke, like ha-ha.”

I couldn’t hold it anymore and just died laughing. It was insane that she was just using a figure of speech and a little joke and this doctor was ready to strap on the straight jacket. This also got me a dirty look from her doctor. Annie tried to laugh with me but ended up caught in a coughing fit that lasted a good minute.

The doctor eventually understood what she was trying to say after both Annie and I explained what she really meant. He didn’t even get that the joke went right over his head. Seriously, this guy is like made of stone. She left with a boatload of prescriptions for antibiotics, cough medication, nose spray, and allergy pills. Basically, he doped her up.

By the time I left her house she was flying high on cough syrup and saying she was going to buy a horse. Where she plans to keep the horse in her tiny backyard, I have no idea.

Catching a swine flu look-a-like disease makes you want to start a farm. Apparently.

The first-time homebuyer class was trying to paralyze or infect me with the plague.

2009-05-06T02:17:00.000-04:00

Actual Hazmat play set. Every child should have one.
So my husband and I had to go to a first-time homebuyer class seminar thing tonight which I don’t think is how you’re supposed to spend your Cinco de Mayo, so I may have to send an angry letter to whoever scheduled the class. Anyway, about 60 people were there and I swear at least three people were infected with something. Every few minutes at least one of them would hack up a lung and I could feel the swine flu infecting my body. As I type this, I think I’m incubating some type of swine flu/black plague hybrid disease that could kill me by tomorrow afternoon. That or I could just be sick with a cold by the end of the week, either way it’s totally screwed up. Two of the infected people were sitting only two to three chairs away from me so I wasn’t the required 150ft away from them to avoid their cough spreading germs. Gross. As the guy was telling all of us what we should know, I couldn’t help but wish I had a hazmat suit folded up nicely in my purse.

To make it even worse the class was 3 ½ hours long and they set out chairs from hell that made my hips and lower back scream out in pain only about 30 minutes into the lecture. By the time the whole thing was over I was convinced I was never going to be able to walk again. This is how our conversation went on the way home.

Me: I think I’m going to be paralyzed from the waist down because of this damn class.

Husband: Um, you just walked from the building to the car, I think you’re fine.

Me: Yeah but it’s not immediate onset. It’s going to hit when I’m not expecting it like in the middle of the night or when I’m on the toilet.

Husband: Ok, fine. We’ll get you some of those old lady bathroom handle bars. Then you can just power lift yourself off the toilet.

Me: I’ll be too weak from the black plague- swine- bird flu hybrid disease I caught from the lady next to you.

At this point he just laughed his ass off and said that we’re both just crazy. But I survived the class and even though I’ll be dead by Thursday we have our little certificate that says we did the class thing. I may have to attend our closing in a hazmat suit strapped into a wheelchair but hey, we’ll get a house (well, when we find one that our offer is accepted on – whenever the hell that happens).

PS: Did I mention the class was held in a room at our local police station? Seriously. In between the explanations about different programs for first time buyers we heard policemen make announcements requesting someone to go to the main desk.

A homeowner’s class in the same building as the criminals of your city. It’s the American dream.

It’s totally not safe in the middle of nowhere. You can get raped and chopped up like a stir-fry.

2009-05-03T22:58:00.000-04:00

My husband and I drove by a house we saw online that’s for sale the other day. He liked that it had like an acre of land and some odd shape that’s a ranch but not at the same time. The closer we got to the house the less cell phone signal we had and I was all like, “Omygod! What if our car dies like right now and we can’t call anyone?! We’re going to die out here.” He kind of looked at me like I was suddenly growing a second head and was like, “We’re not going to die and the car’s fine. Besides, we’re on a street with plenty of houses that we could easily ask to use their phone and its daylight.” I literally almost lost my mind right there and then because how could I love someone so not up on how we could possibly die! So then I’m freaking out and was all like, “What?! We can’t just walk up to a house to use a phone! Have you not seen a single horror movie, like ever? That’s how you’d get chopped up into tiny little pieces and I’d be kept as their baby making slave. Oh, and people get raped in the daylight all the time. I saw it on Oprah.”

He laughed at me for my mini freak out but I think I’m totally justified. I mean, there’s like thick woods everywhere that crazy rapist and cannibals could be hiding out in their tree houses made out of human bones and skin. I mean, it happens all the time, right? Every house we drove by I was thinking about how someone could be breaking in right that second. He really doesn’t get that I think houses that are in the middle of no where are less safe then one in a normal neighborhood because there’s no one around and you could be dead for weeks before anyone smelled you.

So we pull up in front of the house and I opened my cell phone and it said the dreaded ‘searching’ screen. I was like, “Holy shit! The phone doesn’t even know it should be a t-mobile phone! We could be attacked like right now and no one would ever hear us scream!” He laughed at me was like, “Babe. There are plenty of houses on this street; if you screamed about 15 different people would hear you.” I think he’s totally nuts and I’m now more concerned then ever. I was then like, “Yeah but they would totally think it was a fox or fisher cat or something! They sound just like someone dying. So great, in case we weren’t dead already they would come out and shoot us thinking we were some wild screeching animal in heat. I feel SO much better now.” I gave him a huge eye roll with that and he just kept laughing and telling me I’m crazy. Maybe, but I’m not dead and hanging over someone’s fireplace mantel!

We left a few seconds after that and I couldn’t wait to see those magical little bars appear on my screen. When it had two bars I was like, “Look! We’re saved. Ok, new rule. No more houses outside the cell phone range.” He laughed but agreed. Besides, it would have been a hell of a commute since the highway was about 8 miles away from the house alone.

I tend to have a similar reaction when in the mountains.

I could be overreacting.

Mother Nature says to be green! She's even more important then that Simon guy that always tells us what to do!

2009-04-22T11:55:00.000-04:00

It’s Earth Day! Did you know that? It’s a good day to inform people about ways they can be green and help the planet, but we really all should be doing things everyday! Here’s what I do to help my little part of the planet. I’m not perfect and there’s a lot more I could or should do but here’s how my list goes so far.

My Green List:

- I recycle.
- I only use cold water when doing laundry.
- I always do full loads for laundry and dishes in the dishwasher.
- I turn lights off when I’m not using them – so whenever I leave the room or apartment.
- I use energy efficient light bulbs.
- Any electronics or appliances we buy (or will buy for our house) are energy star rated.
- I only use reusable bags when grocery shopping and any store I go too. I have a very cute little collection.
- I keep the thermostat turned down low for heat and higher for AC to save energy but still be comfortable.
- All my bills are set to be “paperless” so I only get online statements. Only two bills actually come in the mail and it’s because they don’t offer a “paperless” feature (dumb gas and electric company).
- I try to take as quick of a shower as I can but sometimes I will take longer then needed to relax, but only occasionally!
- I turn off the sink when brushing my teeth and only turn it back on when needed (saves gallons of water)!
- I never litter and will pick up things to throw them away that other people tossed aside.
- I use “green” cleaning products as much as possible and I’m surprised at how well they work compared to the original formulas.
- I have a water filter attached to my sink to use as drinking and cooking water instead of using bottled (when I need bottled for something I always recycle the bottle).

That’s everything I can think of at the moment. If I think of more I’ll come back to add but I’m pretty sure this covers it all. When my husband and I move into our new house we plan to add even more things to our list like installing efficient water flow faucets, toilets and showerheads (the things we can’t control in our apartment). We also plan to build a deck in the backyard and want to make it as environmentally friendly as possible. Any improvements we make we will try our hardest to make it energy efficient and use planet friendly materials. We also plan to use no VOC paint (it doesn’t have the fumes normal paint does) when we paint inside and out.

My husband also has plans to install a solar powered water heater and has already looked into installation costs and requirements. We would love to have solar panels on our roof at some point as well, but it depends on the requirements for the panels in relation to the house location and size as well as laws in the area.

So there’s my little part and hopes to do more. We also plan to buy a hybrid for our next car (I really love the Prius in red or black)!

Happy Earth Day and be kind to our awesome planet!

=)

Order a junior cheeseburger at Wendy's and they might give you a bun with no meat!

2009-04-21T22:39:00.000-04:00

Am I asking too much to expect people who work at Wendy’s to actually know what belongs with what on their menu? Is that being all crazy with my demands and should I just shut up and eat? I’m going with no, but I think I’m totally biased in this situation. They are my taste buds though and my stomach that’s involved so I kind of feel like I have a right (well, in this situation it’s not really my stomach but that’s not really important).

So I love Wendy’s food way more then I should and it’s totally bad for me, but it’s yummy and it’s kind of right near my apartment. I love their chicken tenders or nuggets or whatever their name is and dipped in the honey mustard sauce is heaven. Ok, I just made myself hungry and crave Wendy’s. Great. Anyway, even though the food is yummy they totally don’t know their own menu very well. I mean they look at it all damn day so you would think they would have a pretty good handle on it, but nope. Here’s a perfect example and it’s happened more then one time to my husband.

Him: “I would like a junior cheese burger with a large fry.”

Cashier: “Ok. That will be $3.00”

– (Or whatever it would cost – I’m not usually there)

He pays and they make the food. Now a junior cheeseburger is very simple. It includes the following:

Bun
Meat
Cheese
Ketchup
Mustard
Onion
Pickle

Sounds simple enough but when he opens the bag he finds a bacon cheeseburger instead. These include everything listed above with the additions of:

Mayonnaise
Lettuce
Tomato
Bacon

Clearly these do not belong on a junior cheeseburger so he returns to the counter and has the following (maddening) conversation.

Him: “This is not what I ordered. I asked for a junior cheeseburger and you gave me a bacon cheeseburger.”

Cashier: “Oh. Um. Well, what did you want again?”

Him: “A junior cheeseburger.”

Cashier: “Do you have your receipt?”

Him: “I was just in here. You saw me; I literally just left less then two minutes ago.” But he hands over the receipt anyway.

Cashier: “Well your receipt says bacon cheeseburger, so that’s what you got.”

Him: “Then you put it in wrong because I ordered a junior cheeseburger, I don’t even like bacon! I just want what I ordered.”

Cashier: “Well, do you want me to just take the bacon off?”

Him: “NO! I want a junior cheeseburger the way it should be. Let me see your manager.”

Manager: “What’s the problem here? What did he order?”

Cashier: “His receipt says bacon cheeseburger but he says he wanted a junior cheeseburger.”

Manager: “So just give him the junior cheeseburger.”

It was literally beyond the cashier’s comprehension to just replace the burger with the correct order. It’s really not that complicated. The sad thing is this wasn’t even the worst experience he had. One time they gave him a bacon cheeseburger instead of a junior cheeseburger. He returned it and they made a new one. When he opened it up it was a burger without the meat! They literally gave him a bun with cheese, ketchup, mustard, onion and a pickle and only that! He was floored and asked what it was supposed to be and their response was, “it’s a meatless burger.” Talk about a serious oxymoron! He then had to argue with them again that he didn’t want a bun with a bunch of toppings; he wanted the meat actually in the bun! They were just like, “well we thought you wanted one without the meat.” What would be the point?! Honestly. He did finally get the correct burger by the way, after he had to detail to them exactly what comes on their own menu.

He’s actually in an active boycott of the Wendy’s near his work because he thinks they’re too incompetent since they can’t make the simplest burger on their menu. Once they even gave him a chicken sandwich instead of a burger. That’s not even from the same animal!

So I think the people who work at Wendy’s and all fast food places need to study their menu much more. When they can’t tell the difference between a bacon cheeseburger, a junior cheeseburger and a chicken sandwich, there’s a serious problem somewhere!

They need to go back to preschool and play with one of those sound toys that say “a cow says moo, a pig says oink...” Maybe that should be part of their training process at Wendy’s!

My state punishes you more for recycling here then littering!

2009-04-19T02:21:00.000-04:00

You should recycle, everyone knows that. Not everyone does it, but most everyone admits that it’s better to recycle then to just throw it all away. We all also know that it’s wrong to litter (that means you, litterbugs!) and you will be fined if you’re caught. BUT, my wonderful state fines you much higher for bringing your recyclables from out of state then they will if you just throw it out of your car window. Yup, we’re special like that.

I just learned this today which proves that there’s always something new to learn about your lawmakers and their wacked out ideas. I was heading down (or up depending on how you look at it, whatever) the highway and was coming up on the exit for our recycling center. It has the longest name ever (six words in total – maybe they should have recycled some of those letters), but that’s not really important to my point. Anyway, at the entrance of the exit there was a sign that stated the following:

“State law prohibits dumping of out of state garbage. All violators will be fined a penalty of $5,000.”

The amount of the fine was in bright red just so they really got their point across. I saw it, commented about it (as usual) but was more then ready to forget about it. That was until several feet up the highway when we passed a ‘no littering’ sign. I’ve passed these things millions of times and have seen the fine posted enough times that I should know what it says. However, I’m good to the planet and don’t litter so I guess it just doesn’t stick. I learned (well, re-learned I guess) that the law and fines are as followed:

“NO LITTERING! Violators will be fined from $55 to $500.”

Hmmph. So, if someone decides to bring their junk to my state (for whatever reason they can think of) they will promptly be fined five thousand dollars, just for wanting to recycle here instead of where they live. If they just throw it out onto the ground somewhere else in the state (even right OUTSIDE the recycling center’s property line) they could only be charged fifty-five dollars. Even if they get the full fine of five hundred, they still get nothing compared if they crossed into the recycling center itself. How crazy is that?!

I get that we don’t want every other’s state’s stuff since we have enough of our own, but why do litterbugs get off so easy compared to people actually trying to bring their stuff where it can be repurposed? They’re being green! They want their junk to be recycled and turned into something useful instead of being eyesores on the side of the road. Talk about being severely punished for being the “good guy”. I’m not saying there shouldn’t be a fine since we can’t let everyone and their sister bring stuff from out of state, but why do the irresponsible people just tossing it on the ground get off easier? Why are they only out a small amount when the people bringing it to the proper place get slammed with a high fine?

My state is seriously backwards. They say they want you to recycle, especially larger items that need to be brought directly to the recycling center but yet they make it as difficult as they can. In a previous post I mentioned the very limited schedule they have. You can only drop off one Saturday a month and just between the hours of 8am – 12pm. That’s it! Then if you happen not to be a resident and want to recycle you have to pay a large fine (and keep your crap). Yet, we give minor punishments to people who litter and cause damage to the environment and wildlife, not to mention it makes the roadways look bad.

They seriously need to step up the littering fines and be more flexible on their “drop off hours”!

PS: My laptop totally shut down on me in the middle of writing this post and it brought back my work! I didn’t even save yet but it didn’t delete what I wrote! YAY!! Good thing since there was no way I was re-writing all this crap again.

Goopy ooze from brown balls of stink cleans your laundry....?

2009-04-16T22:55:00.000-04:00

Picture of Soap Nuts.
Pop quiz: What do you use to clean your clothes and linens when doing laundry? Time’s up! Everyone have their answer? Many of you probably said laundry detergent or listed the brand you like to use. Are you ready for an idea from left field (on my field anyway)?

How about washing your laundry with sun dried fruit, and only those pieces with NO detergent, fabric softener, bleach or dryer sheets? Yes, I’m being totally serious. Would you use it? Are you now thinking I’m completely nuts and worrying that I smell god awful? Don’t worry; I use normal soap for my clothes and my clothes smell spring fresh!

I’m totally not making any of this up. I accidently came across a company that sells a small fruit from trees grown only in India, Indonesia and Nepal. They’re called SOAP NUTS (actual fruit name – not company name). I feel the need to point out that they are neither soap nor a nut, but for some reason that’s their name. Makes a whole lot of sense huh? Anyway, these small fruits are sun-dried (like yummy sun-dried tomatoes only you don’t eat them) and de-seeded then used in your washing machine to clean your clothes. I’m totally not shitting you!

The site was completely legit and very enthusiastic about their funny little product. They gush how they clean your clothes without using chemicals or fragrances. I don’t really get how the whole thing really cleans your clothes but I’ll explain how they supposedly work.

Step 1: Place several of these odd and dirty looking brown/black “shells” into a little cloth baggy.

Step 2: Toss said baggy into your washing machine and NO other cleaning products.

Step 3: Set to wash in warm or hot water and rinse in cold water (that would be adding more steps for my washer since I would have to manually turn it off, reset water temp then turn it back on just the rinse cycle. Laundry sucks enough with out all that!) Oh, it says to leave the baggy with the soap nuts in for the rinse cycle although I don’t get why.

Step 4: Remove clothes from washer and little baggy and toss clothes into dryer with NO dryer sheets.

They claim that after all this you will have completely clean and soft clothes. I’m kind of left saying “HUHH?” I mean laundry is pretty basic but one of the key elements is soap/detergent, otherwise you’re just wetting and drying the clothes for nothing! According to people who use this stuff, a substance called “saponin” is what is supposed to be cleaning your fabrics. Uh huh.

It’s supposed to be a historical version of soap and I get that maybe it might have some qualities that may clean some things, but come on people! Could you really trust these little dried fruit things to make your clothes feel all clean and fresh? Would you feel just as satisfied wearing them after using these instead of your trusted detergent sitting in your laundry room? I wouldn’t and would just want to rewash everything before I felt they were clean to wear (I think being a slight germaphobe might have something to do it).

Here’s the really gross part though! The stuff that is supposed to be cleaning your clothes is described as a “honey like liquid”. Uh, ew? Plus they warn that you may see black marks on the baggy after the wash is finished. Oh yeah, that screams clean in my book! They also admit that the fruit/nut, whatever it is, actually has a “noticeable pungent smell”. It’s claimed that just the nuts will smell this way, but the clothes won’t. I find that a bit hard to believe, but whatever!

The final crazy thing is that they’re supposed to be all natural and great for the environment, you know, they’re “green”. BUT, you have to use warm or hot water in order for the goopy ooze to release from the brown balls of stink and “clean” your laundry. So, you have to use more energy and your hot water to wash whatever load it is, just for these fruit/nuts. What happened to using cold water for your laundry to save energy and hot water? Isn’t that what’s recommended to be environmentally friendly?

I call bullshit! I tend to lose that game though, so maybe I’m totally wrong and completely talking out of my ass but I still don’t want those little things rolling around with my clothes that I want clean.

I’ll stick with my laundry detergent that I know and love, thank you very much!

If only Mockingbirds could masturbate, then I could get some sleep.

2009-04-16T01:03:00.000-04:00

A new little birdie has moved into a small wooded area behind my apartment, and it goes by the name Northern Mockingbird. I prefer to call it a royal pain in my ass! He moved in about a month ago and has spent every single night since then singing. He starts around 7pm-ish and goes consistently until around 4 in the morning. This bird just sits in the damn tree and calls out into the night, and my bedroom window. Once I found out the type of bird it is, I went looking for information and couldn’t believe what I learned. Everyone finds it completely hilarious at my expense. Family and friends have gotten a huge kick out of it and like to make fun of me and my horny bird friend any chance they get.

Here are some facts about the (aggravating, infuriating, sanity killing) Mockingbird:

The mockingbird has even been known to mimic the sounds of dogs and sirens! The mockingbird is especially vocal on moonlit spring nights.
The male mockingbird is the one who does all the singing; he sings to attract females.
During mating season male mocking birds may sing night and day!

Yes, this bird is keeping me awake night after night because it’s HORNY! The bird is desperate to get laid and apparently none of the females are interested. I’ve decided this bird is either:

- Considered seriously ugly in the bird world
- Has some type of deformity
- Sucks at singing

Or my personal favorite,
- Is really really bad at bird sex in the nest.

Either way, until this bird gets laid my sleep is being severely disturbed. I can’t really sleep through any noise so it doesn’t take a lot to keep me awake. I’m no match against a persistent high pitch shrill of a noise throughout the night. I’ve been told it’s “not that bad of a sound” by other people but I’ve developed a deep dislike for this bird, so to me it might as well be a siren in my ear.

Maybe I should find a really slutty female bird that will just give this desperate Mockingbird some attention before I lose my mind.

If he could just masturbate it would make all of our lives so much better.

Quick! Someone stole their common sense!

2009-04-14T22:19:00.000-04:00

Here’s a question: when you read an ad for the sale of something or offering of a free item, do you read everything the ad says before responding? Say the ad is posted online. Doesn’t it make sense to read the whole ad, especially text that is capitalized and bolded before responding to the post? Maybe I’m alone on this but my answers to those questions would be OF COURSE!

My TV died last week (what fun huh?) and we purchased a new one. We can’t take it to the recycling center until next week because they only have drop off days one day a month. Yes, seriously. It’s kind of hard to encourage people to recycle when you tell them they can only do it one Saturday a month between 8am and 12pm. I mean, can we get any less convenient then that? Not to mention you have to pay them $5 to give them your dead and useless TV. Anyway, I digress. Since we have to hold on to this thing until that specified date, I decided to post it online just in case someone wanted it for parts or something. It’s listed as free so it’s not like I’m trying to make anything on it.

Here is the exact ad I posted.

“I have a 6 year old 27inch Toshiba TV that is free for the taking. PLEASE NOTE THE TV DOES NOT CURRENTLY WORK! I don't know what's wrong with it and really have no interest in having it checked out. We just simply purchased a new one. Might be best for parts, unless you are familiar with TVs and can repair it yourself. Either way, it's FREE!

It's cosmetically in great shape and has never been damaged. One day it worked fine and the next it refused to turn on and instead made clicking sounds. I do still have the remote for it (battery cover on remote is missing though).

Sound and picture were completely fine until the day it wouldn't turn on. Cord is in perfect condition. Weighs approximately 40-50lbs with the tube on the back making it somewhat bulky.

YOU MUST PICK UP! I will not ship or drop off the TV.

I can't drop it off at the Recycling center until April 25th which is the next "drop off" day. I will be holding the TV until then. If no one takes it before that date, then it's gone.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT THE TV ISN'T TURNING ON AND NOT FUNCTIONING AT THIS TIME!"

Clearly I tried making it as obvious as possible that the TV does not work. I explained exactly what was going on and tried to make sure there was no doubt about it. Well, apparently it wasn’t enough because I received an email asking if it was still available. I was all like, “Yes it is. You’re aware that it’s not working right? I made sure to put in the ad several times that it doesn’t turn on and just clicks instead.” I just wanted to make sure they knew but I figured they must obviously understand all this. Boy was I wrong! Here’s the email I got back.

“Thanks for getting back to me. We were not aware of all of the issues. Thanks anyway. We are not interested.”

HELLLLOOOO???? Did I miss something here? The ad talked about nothing except what was wrong with the TV. I made the text bold and even capitalized to emphasize it even more. I clearly stated the TV didn’t work several times yet they somehow “weren’t aware of all the issues”.

So I think someone stole their common sense. How did they miss it? So either they thought I wrote that it was a broken TV just because it’s fun to say OR they responded to the ad without even reading a single word I posted. Either way, their common sense is missing and someone should totally give it back.

Maybe we should invent some kind of “common sense donation bank” to help the people lacking this important skill.

Ugh!

I'm a genius and I just figured why the banks are so screwed! Ok, maybe not but I have a point.

2009-04-13T03:00:00.001-04:00

So we all know the economy is in the crapper because there are about a billion articles saying so and plenty of talking heads on TV telling us how much our lives suck. Great. The banks screwed up and now they need money. They have tons of homes they own that need to sell but there are too many so it's a huge problem, and blah blah blah. Everyone on the same page? Good, because here comes my point (not in a very genius way, but oh well).

Everyone knows that many of the houses on the market are short sales or foreclosures. They're more of a pain to buy since normal people don't make the choice to accept an offer but the bank people do. The banks sit and wait for buyers to make offers on the houses, then they sit and stare at the hundreds of offers they have on their desks for the hundreds of houses they're trying to unload. They take weeks or months doing this. Then some random day they make a choice. Logic (mine anyway) says they would pick the one offering the most money (and as close to the "asking price" as possible). Agree?

Well guess what, THEY DON'T! Here's a serious news flash, banks will purposely take LESS money on a house they are already losing money on in the first place! I know this because it just literally happened to me on a house I had an offer in on. So, yeah I didn't pull this out of my ass.

This made no sense to me, my agent or other agents in their office. Shocked, I have literally asked almost everyone I know they're opinion and they surprisingly agree with my logic. Banks make stupid choices, is the general agreement.

I think I have just figured out why our banking system is so screwed up, or at least a part of it. They gave mortgages to people who probably shouldn't have qualified, and they did this A LOT. Then they sold all these "bad loans" to other companies until they were passed around more then our friend the hot potato. The loans defaulted for one reason or another and the bank loses money on each house everyday. THEN, when someone wants to buy one of the damn things they choose to take less money (even though someone else will give more), and put themselves in a position to lose more on a house they were already in the red on. After all this nonsense, the people making all these choices get a huge bonus. So we're rewarding them for screwing the bank and everyone involved over. Freaking fantastic isn't it? Cue the eye rolling!

Anyone else want to smack themselves in the head after thinking about all this? I DO!
*SMACK*

Spring sprung a leak and I'm totally not happy about it.

2009-04-12T22:41:00.000-04:00

Do you ever get the feeling that Mother Nature is trying to screw with you? I do and many would say that means I’m clinically insane but it doesn’t change the fact that this spring season has been like one non-stop rain storm. Winter totally sucked and I was all like “I can’t wait for spring”. Now spring is here and it brought the monsoon season along with it. I know the whole ‘April showers bring May flowers’ crap but come on, how much rain do the flowers really need anyway? A few good showers and we’re done right? At least in my world it would be. No one would want to live there though because it would probably turn out to be a desert if I had any control over when it rains. But hey, I would be dry!

It’s not like it’s the nice gentle rain that doesn’t get in your way either. No, it’s the lets screw up peoples day kind of rain. The almost black skies with whistling wind and sheets of rain all damn day, and I don’t even live in the tornado section of the country! Actually here, the word tornado and dangerous thunder storms are totally the other part of the country’s problem. We get thunder and lighting but it lasts a whole ten minutes and you don’t even get the good bone rattling ones everyone is waiting for. Instead it just rains day after day and just a cloudy sky is considered “nice”. I might be crazy (ok, forget the ‘might be’) but a day where you see nothing but clouds and the sun is a distant memory doesn’t count as a nice day in my book, but hey my world is a desert, remember? So what do I know?

Maybe I wouldn’t hate the rain so much if I could actually use my totally cute bright pink umbrella more often, but I can’t. Rain here means wind so using your umbrella is like saying you think it looks better inside out! I think mine is just far too cute to let that happen so it stays dry in my purse while I bitch and moan about being wet.

New rule, it can only rain at night (even though that would probably screw a lot of things up).